The upcoming

It's 2:28 in the morning and I can't sleep. I wrote this post yesterday and since I don't know how long I have before Elijah debuts, I thought I'd share it now before everything is out of date. Hopefully I'm going to go get some more sleep now. Contractions are still regular enough to wake me up, but other than being uncomfortable, I am not hurting too badly.

Yesterday I got a blog request. This blog request pertains to pregnancy so if you are dealing with infertility, you may want to just skip this post and tune in tomorrow . . .

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I don't get these everyday so I figured I should go ahead and answer this blog request. It's a good request, albeit anonymous, and one that I have been asked a lot and been thinking about writing about.

Here's the request posted via comment on yesterday's blog:

So, I've become addicted to your blog because of your amazing life story and beautiful writing... can I make a request?? Are you willing to write about how you feel about the upcoming labor and delivery? What is your plan, are you anxious, do you have any fears of the pain or recovery? I'm probably most interested because I am due with a baby myself in just three weeks after years of infertility, so our lives have parallelled just a bit and this is one area I would love for you to write about :) I hope it's not too personal...

It's not too personal as I still hold the power to say anything I do or do not want to. So with that . . . here goes . . .

Fear & Trust
One thing that I have not admitted to many people, but I'll share now for the sake of someone else finding understanding in their own feelings, is that I am fearful. Not of the actual delivery or bringing home the baby (although, now that I think of it -- yikes!) But fearful of whether this will actually happen. I think, because we spent so long dreaming of having a biological baby, that there is a part of me that believes that it just could never happen. That it just will never happen. That it just is not possible.

That same part of me has a fear that this mysterious Elijah, whom I feel move on a regular basis but have never seen in the flesh, doesn't really exist. I have an irrational fear of waking up and finding out this is all a dream. I fear something bad happening. I fear something going wrong. I know this fear is not from God and not something to dwell on. So I don't. I push the thoughts out of my mind as quickly as they come in. But they are there. Maybe this is a fear that all mothers-to-be feel. Or maybe it's because of the road we've travelled. Maybe it's a combo. Either way, it lurks.

I spent the first half of this pregnancy truly believing that this wasn't really happening. I was unable to convince my mind that there was actually a baby inside of me. I was almost embarrassed about the fact that I had gotten pregnant. I felt guilt that I had gotten pregnant. Here I was, the mother of one beautiful little boy already, preparing to usher in a second. And all the while friends and family members were still waiting for their number one. It felt unfair. And I felt unjustified in partaking in that celebration. I avoided talking about it. I avoided allowing people to see my bulging belly. I wanted to wear a shirt that explained to people who saw me my story so that they felt I had a right to actually be with child.

Once I started to show and I could see (and eventually feel) that there was actually a baby growing inside me, my mind began to wrap itself around the fact that yes indeed, I was pregnant. Yes indeed, somehow, JB and I had made a baby without a doctor assisting in any way. Well, of course, we know that it is God who makes life, not us, but you know what I mean. We still attribute every detail of this pregnancy to an unmistakable miracle -- a miracle that may happen only this one time.

So now that I am just days away from getting to meet this little guy, I am having trouble believing that he will actually come and live in our house. I finally admitted this fear to JB last week, and he reminded me that we felt the same way about Isaac before he was born. It wasn't that we doubted Bri's intentions or sincerity. Truly our fear had nothing to do with anything that was in the hands of Isaac's birthparents. It was more that we doubted the possibility that we, John and Wendi Kit., could actually be parents! How was this possible? Now that it is a birth and not an adoption, the same feelings have reemerged.

It is another lesson in trust. Trusting the Lord. He is the maker and giver of life. He is the knowledge in the heads of the doctors whom I will entrust my body and my child's body unto. He holds this situation and every situation I will encounter in life in his hands. I must trust him and must not allow fear.

Labor and Delivery
So speaking of fear . . . how do I feel about the actual labor and delivery. How do I feel? Hmmmm . . . Well, adjectives describe that best. Appropriate adjectives for a woman, especially this woman, just ten days away from delivering her first baby would include excited, scared, nervous, joyful, anxious, confused, concerned, and unprepared. I think those words pretty well wrap it all up for me.

I also feel blessed. Not only blessed that I am getting to have this opportunity, but blessed by other things as well. I feel very blessed that my husband is a physician -- and a physician that delivers babies at that. I don't feel that there will be a lot of unknowns for me as long as he is there with me. I feel blessed to deliver at a small hospital where I don't fear overcrowding or an M.I.A. anesthesiologist. I feel blessed by the great friends who are helping with Isaac (Tiffany) and Scrubs (Bobbie) and the list of others who have offered to help as well. I feel blessed that my in-laws and Mom are going to make the ten hour drive at first word Elijah is preparing to debut.

Pain
I don't really fear pain. Mainly because I believe in pain medication. Ha! No, but seriously, I think I feel like this is something that I can't quit half-way through. I have to keep going forward. People have done this for eons. I'm just one of those people. I have no plans regarding managing the pain except that I will do what I need to do, when I need to do it, to manage the pain. If that means an epidural, I will get one. If that means other narcotics, I will take them. This is where my wonderful husband comes into play. I trust him completely and know he will guide me in making the right decisions regarding my pain management.

On a side note, when I had my wisdom teeth out and got a dry socket, I had four different women who had birthed a child and had a dry socket tell me they would prefer to give birth again. (Any of those women still reading today? Please comment and tell all the other readers I am not crazy!) Now I had never given birth so I couldn't make that statement. But I have had a dry socket and to date, it was the most excruciating pain, (seconded by my fourth "mock transfer" for IVF) that I have ever had. I will let you know, post-delivery, which was worse. And I'll make sure to be honest.

Speaking of pain . . .

I know this is a touchy subject, but here is my viewpoint on pain. And please note that this is just my one, simple, opinion.

If I broke my leg and went into the hospital, I would allow them to give me pain medication before they set the bone. I request Novocain before getting a tooth pulled. I feel labor is the same. The argument people have for this is that our bodies were designed to handle this labor pain -- that years ago, people handled this labor pain without help. Well years ago, people also had their foot amputated without pain medication. They would get drunk or knocked out or just bite on a stick. People had their teeth pulled all the time without Novocain. But today, we have advanced. And I like advancement, personally. Years ago people lived without air conditioning or heat or electricity. But today, I live with all those things and enjoy them immensely.

I totally respect those of you who feel differently. If you are into doing labor naturally, I totally support you in that position and respect your ability to do so completely. If you have or want to accomplish labor without medication, I think that is fantastic! I am not promising what I am going to do. If I feel that I can do it without pain medication, I will. But if I feel that I need it, I will request it.

Birthplan
I do not have a formal birthplan. My plan, truly, is to rely on those around me to guide me. My husband has been a part of many deliveries. Dr. G. is a fantastic doctor as are the two doctors on back-up in case she can't be there due to her pending adoption. There is a fabulous team of nurses on the L&D floor. I plan to do my best, to allow JB to keep me focused and on track, and to take their advice as my needs arise. I have read a bunch on the topic, I've sought advice from friends, and I have had JB walk me through, repeatedly, each step that I will face. I feel as prepared as I can be for something I have never seen or participated in. As of right now, it will only be me and JB in the delivery room. My mother-in-law and mother may make it in time for some of the labor or delivery. I may allow them in for parts as I feel comfortable (if they even make it in time). This is another thing that I am just going to take as it comes.

Recovery
This is the part that scares me the least. I have always been one that feels I can handle pain and discomfort after the fact. It's the during-the-fact that makes me a bit more nervous. I know recovery varies greatly. I know mine may be fantastic or horrible. I have people here to help us for the first six weeks and figure that is the most preparing that I can do. I'll take each day as it comes.

Breastfeeding
This is the question I seem to get more than any other. I guess because Isaac was not breastfed due to his adoption. Yes, I definitely plan to breastfeed. I also hope to be able to pump and utilize bottles in order to have some help with midnight feedings after the initial few weeks. (Yes, don't worry -- I'm aware of nipple confusion possibilities.) Breastfeeding is something that is very important to me. However, we have a wonderfully healthy little boy who loves his Target brand formula something fierce! :) While I think breastfeeding is integral to our new little one, I will not punish myself if, for any reason, I cannot or do not breastfeed as long as I hope. I plan to do my best and go from there.

Prayers
So I think that basically sums up everything surrounding the fact that I am about to deliver a baby anytime now. If you would like to pray for me, I'd especially covet prayers for the following specific things:

• A safe and healthy baby boy. Most specifically, we are praying for a little boy who like his brother has a sweet disposition and loves sleep!
• An easy labor. (Seriously, let's all pray for this!)
• A well-behaved Scrubby and Isaac while I am gone for a few days.
• A safe drive for our family making the ten hour journey north.
• My ability to properly handle two small children at one time.

Thank to our anonymous requester for this blog suggestion. I enjoyed writing it and putting all my thoughts into one place. Again, please know that these are only my personal feelings and opinions on the birth process . . . since it's my blog, I guess I'm entitled to that! :)