Saddened

I went to bed sad last night. I woke up in the middle of the night, still sad. And this morning? Sad. I'm not sure the last time someone else's grief has impacted me so severely. I can't remember the last time.

I have made a wonderfully sweet friend here on Eglin AFB. She and I have really bonded throughout her infertility journey despite the fact that I had already conceived Elijah when we met. Spiritually, we see things so similarly and our hearts are so in the same place -- not only in regards to infertility but just surrounding family and life in general.

My good friend here at Eglin did IVF about 3 months ago. They conceived. Yesterday, they learned the baby has gone home to be with the Lord much earlier than any of us expected or planned. I am crushed. I feel so incredibly sad. I cannot imagine their grief right now.

While I did not suffer a miscarriage during our many infertility attempts and more specifically during our own four attempts with IVF, my heart knows the sadness of a failed IVF. To add to that weeks and months of being pregnant only to end up right back where you started is completely overwhelming to me. It is the one chief prayer of people doing intensive infertility treatments (right after begging the Lord for a positive result): Please Lord. If I do conceive, let me carry it to term. I do not think I can handle a miscarriage.

I know what many of you are thinking. Well at least she knows she CAN get pregnant. While this is true, and I sometimes wished during our infertility journey that I could have at least known that a pregnancy was possible . . . hearing this is not helpful. The fact that she can doesn't change the fact that she isn't. It doesn't change the fact that they will have to return for another IVF harvest (there were no frozen embryos) in order to try to conceive again. When you are on this journey, that is an incredibly hard concept to fathom. Try again?! Are you crazy!?

I can remember, after each of our failed attempts, lying on my bed, JB and I both crying, and me saying, "That's it. I canNOT do this again. I canNOT hurt like this again." Only after the fourth time did we both know that that truly was the last time for quite some time. The other times, after weeks (or months) passed, the sadness would dissipate slightly, and I'd feel the strength to hope again. I know that my dear friend will eventually get to that point. But it's a long journey.

I also feel completely and entirely helpless. I feel useless. It gives me even more respect for those of you who stood by us for the five years of our own disappointments and frustrations. There is nothing you can say. There is nothing you can do. All you can do is pray. That is truly the only thing you can do during a time like this. Thank you to those of you who loved me during those dark days. I don't know what I would have done with you.

I don't know if my friend will be reading my blog right now. I know that my blog which was once a place of pregnancy and child-free safety, has now morphed into a blog of a family and a pregnancy and that requires wisdom when choosing whether to tune in on a given day. That also makes me sad even though I know this is how it had to be. However, if she does read it, I just want her to know how much I am thinking of her. I am thinking of her nearly every minute of every day since I heard the news. I want both her and her husband to know how much we are praying for them. How much we hurt for them and with them. How much we are here. We're just here. We can't fix it. But we can be here and intercede for them when they cannot intercede themselves.

I can't fix it. I am useless. It just stinks. That's it. It stinks. My head starts spiraling again with questions I want to ask God. But I know, especially now, after watching our own story unfold, that God does have a plan. Sometimes those plans are painful and hard to watch unfold. But I just have to remind myself that he has plans to: "prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." I know that when my friend "will call upon Him and come and pray to Him, that He will listen to her. She will seek Him and find Him when she seeks Him with all her heart.’”

I also love the scripture she put on her own blog announcing this disappointment.

I will never forget this awful time,as I grieve over my loss. Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning.

Please, if you think about it, just pray. Not only for my one friend but for all those dealing with grief as the sun comes up this morning. God is there. He loves them. Ask Him to wrap His arms around them -- as tightly as he possibly can.

** If you would like to offer some love and prayers to my friend, you can visit her blog here.