Warning: complaints abound

I don't know why I am blogging at 4:18 on a Saturday morning. Maybe it's that I can't sleep. Maybe it's that this nagging stomachache thinks pepto bismol is a joke.

I've been dealing with insomnia since before I went to Florida. Ever since I started taking these little blue pills (estrace), I've had trouble sleeping. I've attributed it to JB being gone or having to share a full sized bed with him at Eglin, but last night, both of those factors were eliminated. JB was sleeping next to me, and we were back in our own big king bed.

And yet I still couldn't sleep. I managed a few hours, but when I found myself staring at the ceiling again at 3:30, I gave up and meandered out to my computer. Writing always relaxes me (except when I have a deadline). The good thing about blogging is I don't have any deadline. Unless you are Tara who will let me know if too many hours have gone by without an update from the Polar North. I suppose Tara believes I have a deadline.

The insomnia is one thing, but add to that that one of the key side effects of these little blue pills is also stomach cramping and bloating, and, well, it's been a rough ride. I truly feel like a whimp. I feel like I am a horrible medicine taker. At the same time, I know it isn't in my head. I purposefully do NOT read the "side effect" list on any new medication I take. I don't want to subconsciously start suffering from an effect that is all in my head. So after three days of intense stomach cramping, I called JB, he looked up estrace side effects on his handy-dandy new palm pilot, and informed me that, sure enough, it was not all in my head. It's one of the most frequent complaints.

Okay, so I've got the insomnia and I've got the cramping. Are you ready for some more complaining? The other issue is Metformin. Yes, I am still on that lovely little drug. I've now been on it for nearly two years. The problem with Metformin is that we have found it is exacerbated by increases in other medications or sicknesses.

To explain: I normally take 1500 mg. of Metformin nightly with no problems whatsoever. However, if I have a cold or I am taking or increasing another new drug, the Metformin kicks into full gear. I won't go into detail about what Metformin does to me, but needless to say, it is not good. It makes eating nearly pointless.

So back to my whimpiness. I think I am somewhere in the middle on the whimpiness scale. I feel like all this infertility stuff has made me tougher, but I still wish I could pop little blue pills and Metformin and shoot myself up with clear liquids and not blink an eye. I talk to other women and find my complaints are somewhere in the middle. Many women I have talked to quit taking Metformin very early on. They grew frustrated with the side effects. Other people I know have taken it without much problem at all. I talk to some women who are bombarded from side effects from estrace and clomid and gonal and progesterone and lupron. I talk to others who are not phased a bit. So I guess I fall somewhere in the middle.

I must pause to say that I can handle all these side effects times a thousand if they are not coupled with migraines. I so appreciate the prayers during this cycle for my headaches because, I am happy to say, I have not had even one TWINGE of a migraine or headache. That is such an unbelievable blessing. You don't realize how good it feels to feel good until you feel bad.

Well, it's 4:34 now. We are leaving for the race at 7 a.m. JB is going to run it with me. I have to tell you that I think my surprise of his arrival yesterday was one of the most completely-take-me-off-guard moments I have ever experienced. He totally got me! He even made up a story about how he couldn't talk to me before work on Friday because they were starting procedures very early when actually, the reason he couldn't talk to me was because he was somewhere above Alabama! Stinker!

I think we are going to try to go to the Saturday night service at church tomorrow. JB hasn't been to church in over a month, and Saturday services are often a little less family-oriented and will hopefully not impact me as much as last Sunday's service did. I also think I have to work at Mayo tomorrow, er, make that today. I told my boss I would work because JB was out of town and because the coming week is not only a holiday but IVF week so I would be out two days. Oh well. John has so much studying and residency application work to do that he wasn't too bothered when I told him I would be at work his first full day home. We're just both glad he's home!

Also, in the hope of not ending today's blog on a downer note, I thought I would share some other words-of-wisdom some anonymous person left on the comment board a few days back. (Side note: if you sign your name, I can say "thank you" more appropriately!) But anyways, I have been so blessed by all the wonderful encouragement I have been receiving and thought, since some of you probably don't read the comments (I know Tara, you do! Hey Tara, I have written your name in this blog four times. You rock), I would share these in my blog. Thanks to whoever sent them. I cannot tell you how wonderful it makes me feel to know that so many people are praying for us. Even anonymous peoples.

I really appreciate these comments. One of the things I struggle with during these times is wondering if what I do or do not do is effecting the result. If I run too much, will it affect it? If I eat too much junk food, will it affect it? If I don't pray enough, will it affect it? If I complain too much, will that affect it? Reading these quotes reminded me, that it isn't what I do or what I don't do -- it's just God. That's so important to remember. He has my best interest in mind and "all things work together for the good of those who love Him."

Wendi, you probably have no idea of how far-reaching your blog is and how many people are cheering you on as you walk this difficult journey called "Infertility". I'm certain their are days when you feel like no one else could ever possibly understand; however, anyone that has faced heartache and testing can identify with your frustrations and deep longings for a child. Walk hand in hand with your Heavenly Father, snuggle in His arms of love, and REST. You know that overwhelming feeling of love that you have for the precious "sticky babies"? Well, He has that same feeling about you...that's why we call Him our Father! Please know that hundreds of people are paraying for you, for JB, and for the babies. Blessings!

Here's a few more thoughts that have given me comfort:

"There is no circumstance, no trouble, no testing, that can ever touch me until, first of all, it has gone past God and past Christ, right through to me. If it has come that far, it has come with a great purpose, which I may not understand at the moment. But I refuse to become panicky, as I lift up my eyes to Him and accept it as coming from the throne of God for some great purpose of blessing to my own heart."--Alan Redpath

"Your Holy Spirit enfolds me -- making me realize I am not alone. Thank You for Your strength, Your wisdom and the comfort of Your presence. Even in the most agonizing times I have the knowledge that You are there, Lord. When all I can do is whisper Your Name, it is enough. You hear. You care. You understand. My praise and adoration, Lord Jesus. Amen."--Joan Winmill Brown

"All of us have wondered at times why God doesn't do more to fix our problems. But our human eyes often fail to see that God isn't rushing to change our circumstances because he is concerned with a much more serious problem -- our character. While you struggle with the woes of this world, God's main occupation is preparing you for the world to come. The focus of what God is doing in your life takes place in you, not around you."--Andy Stanley, in "LikeA Rock"