Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Bonding

I recently had another blog request. Here it is:

So, I think you have done a perfect job describing your feelings about adoption and how you used to wonder if you would love it as much as a biological child and that now, after doing it, the answer is a resounding "YES." However, I was just wondering if you feel like the adoption/biological issue has affected your "bond" with the boys.

For example, has carrying Elijah/breastfeeding made you "bond" more with him than you did with Isaac...not "love more" but "bond more?" And what about Isaac's relationship with John? He clearly is attached to him. Do you think Elijah will "bond" as quickly with John as Isaac did, considering that John played such an active role in Isaac's feedings and is limited with Elijah, and so on? Once again, I think the love issue is clear. Just wondering your thoughts on this...

And if it's too personal, you, of course, don't have to blog about it. Just something interesting I thought about as I was reading your blog....


All right, so here is my response. I did touch on this in a previous post. You can read it by clicking here. I write this post to help anyone considering adoption to have the whole picture. Here it is. As best I can paint it.

***

As I write this, my little Isaac just celebrated his eleventh month on this earth. He is currently taking a nap. Well, he's supposed to be. The noise on the monitor indicates he is doing more playing than sleeping. He talks to himself a lot lately. I have no idea what he is saying, but gosh is it cute. He is walking all over the place. He thinks JB is way cooler than Mom. He thinks Scrubs was put on this earth to be Isaac's personal playground and best buddy. He loves fruit. He hates green beans. He puts toys between his legs while I am trying to change his diaper. He loves music. He just started giving hugs and kisses.

As I write this, my little Elijah is nearing his third month on this earth. He is in his swing, staring at me, debating whether he wants to smile, sleep, and cry. I am hoping he chooses the middle option so I can move to the couch for my own nap. He has just started to develop a social smile. He is crying less. Sleeping more. He loves to be held. He loves his pacifier. He is currently infatuated with fans and lights and anything on the ceiling. One side of his head is flatter than the other because he keeps leaning to his right.

These two boys are an incredible gift. They are incredible blessings. I can speak with complete honestly when I say that I love these children with identical love. Both of them have a permanent notch in my heart. I do not look at them and see any difference between them. They are both my boys.

What is bonding anyway? It is defined as: a close personal relationship that forms between people. But how do you know when that occurs and how fast it occurs and when it completely occurs? It's a fairly abstract thought when you really think about it.

Isaac's arrival


We got the call that Isaac was on his way into our lives at around 2:00 on a Wednesday afternoon. May 7, 2008. His due date. And ironically, the birth date of his birth mom, Bri. By 3:00pm we were on the road and by 9:00pm, Bri was on the cell phone telling us "You have a son." We were still somewhere near Orlando, and it would be well after midnight before we first had the opportunity to see our little boy.

I cried when I held Isaac for the first time. It was a moment I cannot put into words. It truly was an out-of-body experience. I knew what was happening, but what was happening did not feel real. I knew that, supposedly, this tiny little baby was supposed to be our's. But I also knew that Bri had 48 hours to change her mind without any questions asked. I knew that the nurses were keeping a very tight eye on us as we didn't have one of the "magic bracelets" you were supposed to have to be in the nursery with the babies. I felt like you do when you are a little kid and you want to hang out in a group but aren't quite welcome. He was going to be our son. But he wasn't our son yet. We'd spend all day Thursday waiting for the okay from our lawyer to bring our family up to meet our little boy.

But that first moment. That first moment was incredibly powerful. I knew that I could love this little boy. I don't think I loved him yet. But somehow I knew I would.

I didn't hold Isaac a lot those first few days. There were a lot of other family members who wanted to meet him ... wanted to hold him ... wanted to love him. I did not feel an immediate attachment to this little boy and I have to admit that worried me. I felt that people were watching, wanting to see how I would react to him. But I wasn't sure how I felt. Did he really belong to us? It just didn't feel real. Bri was like a sister to me. I couldn't help but think about her and how she was doing and if she was sad. Those feelings were more powerful than my feelings about Isaac in the beginning.

While technically that first 48 was what we were waiting to see pass, there was still a part of me that worried someone was going to wake me up from this dream for weeks and months to follow. In hindsight, I think that I protected my heart a bit, worried that something would happen. But after awhile, I knew he was here forever, and I gave myself complete permission to fall in love.

Elijah's arrival


Eight and a half months later I was being wheeled out of the operating room after my c-section desperately wanting to meet our newest family member. As I held Elijah for just a few moments, I remember a whirlwind of emotions. And as I look back now, those emotions mirrored my feelings about Isaac. Here he was. He was my son. But it didn't feel real. I knew I would love him, but I didn't feel an incredible amount of love instantly. (Granted, I was pretty doped up and in a lot of pain. I am sure that contributed.)

Some mothers will tell you that that the moment that they held their child, an incredible bond of love was formed. I think that is awesome. Truly. And I completely believe that for many women that is how it is. But that wasn't the case for me with either of my sons. Both with Isaac and Elijah, I loved them, I cared about them, but my infatuation for them was slow growing.

I think there was some protection in my love for Elijah as well. Even though I watched myself grow as a pregnant woman, I really felt that Eiljah couldn't actually be real. Could we actually have a child? Could this really happen?

Bonding with the boys

For me, my trip to Minnesota for Hans and Rachel's wedding, was the beginning of my true bonding experience with Isaac. That was when he was just six weeks old. It was on that trip that I started to really feel like his Mom. I started to feel my heart swell when I thought about him. I started to truly fall in love with him. Once I started falling, I fell hard. He was the first thing I thought about in the morning and the last thing at night.

As for Elijah, I started feeling that incredible love for him in the last few weeks -- nearly an identical amount of time to his big brother. I think, for whatever reason, that it just takes me a bit to feel like a real Mom. I think it takes them smiling back at me before I really start to have that deep sense of bonding with my children. I truly believe that any child that joins my family will take me a similar amount of time whether they join us from my womb or from the womb of another mother. Whether he is a newborn or a teenager. I am not sure if that is a protection mechanism from the years of infertility disappointments or just how I would react no matter what.

I bottle fed Isaac. I am breastfeeding Elijah. I am being very honest when I tell you that I do not feel that breastfeeding has bonded me to Elijah faster whatsoever. Breastfeeding is not easy. You are trying to get the position correct. You are trying to get them to latch on. You are trying to not have them lie against your c-section incision. You are worried about how much they are getting. Once you get all that down, you are able to start enjoying the time you can spend with your baby. But for me, that time is usually time that I am giving Isaac cheerios or catching up with JB after a long day. It isn't necessarily this surreal bonding time.

I loved bottle feeding Isaac. It was easy. I knew how much he was getting. He took the bottle without a problem. The positioning was easy. There was no latching required. If anything, I felt that bottle feeding allowed for easier bonding. I could sit and enjoy the baby instead of worrying about getting everything just right.

If tomorrow, I was told I needed to start bottle feeding Elijah, I would be perfectly fine with that notion (other than the expense of formula and the fact that breastfeeding is healthier.) I sometimes wish that I was bottle feeding Elijah. Whole books have been written about the bonding that is created by breastfeeding. I'm sorry but I just really don't buy it. I feel as close to Isaac as I possibly can. I love to sit and hold his bottle and play with his little toes and kiss his forehead. We have bonded wonderfully without breastfeeding.

Here's another little bit of truth. They say that you, as a mother, react to your baby and your milk will begin to flow when you see your little one. It doesn't happen right away necessarily, but as you begin to bond to your little one, it happens more and more. The first time that I actually felt my milk "come in" was not when I held Elijah. It was when I was holding Isaac. I went in to see him after his surgery and scooped him into my arms and finally knew what the labor and delivery nurses were talking about. I actually love that this happened this way. It was complete proof to me that I was bonded to big brother.

In addition, I did not feel that being pregnant helped me to bond more with Elijah. I could feel him and I knew he was there, but there was something so "unreal" about the fact that I was actually pregnant! I was waiting a full pregnancy to meet him, and I waited a full pregnancy to meet Isaac too. I think there was probably a bit more of "this is really my son" when Elijah was born since he came from my womb and there wasn't a lawyer that needed to be involved. But we had waited, in different ways, equally long for both of these boys and the experience felt nearly identical.

Fatherhood and feeding

And then there is the father's role in feeding. JB will be the first to tell you that he bonded with Isaac much faster than he did with Elijah. Even now, two and a half months after Elijah joined us, JB is still probably more bonded with Isaac. He attachment to Elijah is growing, but much slower. When Isaac was born, JB was helping to do everything. He got to feed him nearly as much as I did.

That wasn't the case with Elijah. With Elijah, I was the one feeding him while JB tended to big brother. I was feeding Elijah about ten hours a day. JB very rarely got to hold Elijah. When I was in the hospital and during the first week home, JB would change a diaper, hand him to me, take him back, settle him to sleep, etc. But there was very little father-son time. And once I got healthier, I needed him even less for those activities. He therefore was with Isaac most of the time, and I was with Elijah.

JB will tell you that he truly started bonding with Isaac mere days after he was born. He fell for him just a few days after we left the hospital. He was helping to feed Isaac. He was getting up in the middle of the night. He was doing just as much with him as I was. He bonded with Isaac much faster than I did.

JB will also tell you that bonding with Elijah has been much slower and is still an evolving process. He hasn't had as much time with Elijah. Elijah's first week on this earth was incredibly stressful and tense. And then JB was back at work. When he comes home in the evenings, I need help with Isaac. His time with Elijah is still very limited.

Admitting the truth

I can now say, truly, that I have equal love in my hearts for both my boys. But if anything, during the weeks following Elijah's birth, I was more bonded to Isaac than I was to this new little baby. I truly am soooo glad that we adopted before we had a biological child. If things would have happened in another order ... well, picture it. Picture our first son being biological. Here comes adopted brother. Any feelings that bonding isn't occurring very quickly would be attributed to the adoption. But in our case, we were already incredibly bonded to our adopted son when our biological son emerged onto the scene.

I wish, while I was going through infertility treatments, that I would have talked to more people who had what I have: a biological and adopted child. I talked to many people who had adopted. But people who had only adopted. They told me how wonderful adoption was, but I wasn't sure I could believe them. How could they know that they felt the same about their adopted child as they did about their biological child? They didn't have a biological child to make that comparison to. If I would have met someone like me, I wonder if I would have gotten peace regarding adoption sooner than I did.

But I do have that comparison. I can make that comparison. I can tell you that I love both my boys so incredibly much. I have met three other women online who share my story. One is Amy whose boys are one year apart. She, too, travelled through infertility treatments, adoption, and then pregnancy. Another gal, Jess, has a private blog. Her son and daughter are six months apart! Talk about close! Stacy is a new gal I have just met. She is pregnant after adoption. I think a few moments on any of their blogs will show you that our family is not the exception. Here are three other families where the children have an incredible bond with their parents.

The adoption option

I have said it before, and I'll say it again. Every couple needs to travel the road of infertility and adoption in the way that it fits best for them. If that is not adopting, so be it. If that is exhausting infertility treatments, do it. If that is adopting and then doing infertility treatments, bog for it. If that is skipping infertility treatments altogether, so be it.

However, I am mostly thinking right now about the woman reading this post who has been struggling to get pregnant. You are open to adoption. But not yet. Not now. I hope that this post and my words encourage you that if and when you ever decide to pursue adoption -- whether it be to add to your already existing children or to be the first of your children -- you will fall in love with that child completely, wholeheartedly, and fully. You will bond. It may not happen right away. But it will happen. It is impossible to be responsible for a child's entire being and not love them. It is just as God loved us. We are adopted into his kingdom. And He loves us all unconditionally.

When we were contemplating adoption, I heard two comparisons that helped me tremendously.

The first was regarding my spouse. I love JB. I love him a lot. I think he is one cool guy. I would die for him. I live for him. He is not related to me. We do not have the same blood. But I still love him a whole heck of a lot.

The second comparison came from that husband of mine. When I asked him how I could be sure I would love an adopted child completely and fully he pointed at our dog. "Geez, Wendi, you are in love with that dog. And he's not even human!" So true. I love Scrubs. I'd do anything I could to save Scrubs' life. And he's not even the same species!

***

I hope that answered this blog reader's question. It's a hard question to answer, and I'm sorry I had to go into so much detail. It's also difficult not to mix "love" and "bonding" up when you talk about it. They seem so similar and so related. This topic is so near and dear to my heart, and I just want the world to know how awesome I think adoption is and how awesome I know you will think it is too! Stacy, Amy, and Jess, please feel free to comment if you have anything at all to add! I'd love to add your comments to this post as well.

14 comments:

ErieContrary said...

Wow. GREAT post. I really enjoyed reading every word. Thanks!

Anonymous said...

The woman that you are thinking of? Struggling to get pregnant, open to adoption, but not yet? I know it's many of us, but it's definitely me. So thank you, for your words and your encouragement.

AW said...

Wendi, GREAT POST! Although we have not completed an adoption journey, my experience is similar to yours on the bonding situation.

I was so worried at JK's birth that I was a bad mother. I didn't feel that instant connection with him that so many other girlfriends had talked about. I too, was recovering from a C-section, so maybe that was it. Or maybe it was because I was STILL waiting for that other shoe to drop after all the infertility/PL. I don't know.

Looking back, I LOVED my child. I would have died for him that first day out of an overwhelming instinctual urge. But it took awhile to fall in love...that deep, longing, unsated, can't-get-enough-of-you love affair that many women have right away. It took a few months for me. I’ve fallen deeper into it every day. Especially now that JK's talking so much and I can communicate with him more often (he's such a chatter box!), which I love. I think that communication and understanding has bonded us even more. I cannot imagine my life without him. An hour after bedtime, I’m longing, LONGING for him to be awake so I can spend more time with him.

Now, I will say something that I really hate to say. Especially since infertility/PL has been part of my journey for longer than a decade. I'm embarrassed by it and I'm always so fearful to be judged harshly for it, but here goes: I really do not enjoy being pregnant. My body does not tolerate it well at all. I'm tiny, incredibly uncomfortable, morning sickness for literally months on end, other bodily functions are totally screwed up and I won't go there. Yes, it's temporary...I know that. And the temporary discomfort is definitely worth the end result. But this second pregnancy has just solidified to me that I would love my child no matter the means of his/her arrival...my womb or a plane from Beijing. Becoming pregnant did not make me a mom. It's an ironic realization after all these years and money spent.

Joanna said...

Thank you, Wendi. I needed this post today. You may remember (or not) you and I went through an IVF at the same time in Oct/Nov 2006.

We have been trying to have a second child now for over a year and are actually in the middle of an IVF cycle which is being converted to an IUI because I only have 1 folllicle. This "failure" is stirring up all the old questions about "could we adopt?" I have felt for what seems like forever that I just couldn't. I'm still not at the point where I can say I'm ready to adopt, but reading your blog is so encouraging to know that adoption is a beautiful thing. I may forever feel a sting when I see a pregnant belly, but I can possibly have children to love; really love. Thank you for being so transparent on here and for telling the truth and for being a testimony to all of us. Thank you.

Joanna

Anonymous said...

I love how you express your self so truthfully. I had post pardom with my last two children. (I have 3). And I have to say I had a hard time with everything. I too didn't know if I felt the bond right away with my children. I had c-sections with them too. I don't know if it was the pain or what. I breastfed(ing) all of them. I love the time with them because I have to sit down with them and feed them, instead of propping a bottle when it's not convient. So that part of nursing I do love. I just remember being so tired after having them, I don't know if that is part of the bonding problem or what.

Becky said...

Amazing post Wendi! Thank you for also being open about not bonding right away with either of your boys. I imagine that after years of IF and now pregnancy loss, I will have trouble believing I am really a mom if/when it finally happens and so it is good to know that I will bond in time.

Blessed Blackman Bunch said...

WONDERFUL post!
I have never traveled the road of infertility or adoption but I remember being concerned about loving one child more or bonding more. My children are 2 TOTALLY different children, I wasn't allowed to breastfeed either, and they are opposite sex. MANY differences.
I love the way you compare adoption with our Heavenly FATHER! SO glad he adopted us. So glad that HE can enable us to love others!
Thanks so much for sharing!
I LOVE YOU! :)

Amy T. S. said...

I think for me I did bond faster with my bio dude. However, I think that had little to do with breastfeeding or biology but with hormones! I think that's part of the "point" of the hormonal craziness of postpartum - so that you will feel a biological need to protect that little life from the world.

About 24 hours after A was born from my womb I told Randy, "I don't feel any more bonded to him than I did to E when he was born." Then 48 hours postpartum hit and I was insane for A. I couldn't bear to be away from him. Like Wendi said, nothing different in the amount of love I felt for either child, but in my experience there was a different bond with my bio baby after adoption.

I think E was about 6 weeks old when I realized that I would die to protect that kiddo brought to our family through adoption. He was sleeping on my chest while I was sitting watching TV with Randy and E must have had a nightmare or something because out of the blue he just screamed bloody murder and I think I burst into tears at his pain. That was the obvious bonding point for us. Sometimes it isn't that dramatic.

That being said, a woman will probably bond with two biological children differently, too.

Anonymous said...

I definitely agree that bonding is something that takes time. I remember with my first daughter thinking there was something wrong with me for not having that instant "love at first sight" feeling. It takes me time to get to know my little one before those feelings really come out. I think it will be a while before I feel for Caroline (1.5 weeks old) the same bond I do for Hannah. Great post Wendy

Jenny Wilson
Stuttgart Germany

Jess said...

Love the post. Nod, nod, nod!

I have thoughts...just going to try to keep them as concise as possible. Ha! Haha!

Bonding for me took a little time for both kids. (I did have the same milk experience, though not the FIRST time, but it's happened. lol) With Ava we had very little heads-up BEFORE she was born (matched April, due June, came May) and then we had a whirlwind of crazy NICU time and 7 days before relinquishment was signed, etc. I definitely loved her, but it was as if I was loving someone else's child almost until we came home. I remember leaving the hospital with her and thinking..."oh my gosh, what if we screw this all up, we are taking someone ELSE'S CHILD as our OWN and now we're responsible for them AND this child!" It was a very, very humbling experience. I felt terrified that LITTLE OLD ME could do it right. I already had bonded a LOT to her bio family (even though we'd just met them the month before, but going through birth and NICU time does that to you!) and there's STILL not a day that goes by that I don't think of them. For that reason, my children do feel "different" to me, though that's not a difference in LOVE, but it is a difference. I most certainly think that I love the kids the SAME but adoption is part of Ava and there's no way around that, and there's no way I'd WANT there to be!

For Ethan I didn't bond a lot with him during pregnancy (uhm, well, I tried not to) because I was just sure he'd die. I mean that sounds psychotic, but it's true. I went from checking for blood for imminent miscarriage to checking for blood for imminent LABOR. So that was hard. Add to that the fact that, well, I was caring for an INFANT...and I just didn't have time to lie about being all gooey gushy about my!growing!belly! When in the hospital with him, I did love him, but mostly, honestly, I missed Ava. We'd never spent time apart from her since she'd been born, and so it was hard to not see her for even 24 hours! Bringing him home was hard, too, because I felt that he was just keeping me from caring for Ava. I had this little child and now another baby...and even though I'd had an "easy" l&d, recovery wasn't as easy as I'd expected. I was afraid that we'd done something terrible and Ava would hate us. Looking back a lot was hormonal...it got better FAST. But it was so.scary. in the begining.

Breastfeeding for me was extremely easy. I didn't like that it was somewhat more isolating in public or at get-togethers, and having to BF in those places with another infant was sometimes challenging. I did enjoy BFing, but I don't feel it really mattered a lot BONDING wise. Though! I did note that I had a more...PHYSICAL response to Ethan's cries, which I guess is hormonal. I would actually tear up if he cried sometimes, even if it was a cio and I knew I wasn't getting him!

As for the formula feeding, it was tough at first because of her feeding issues, but she caught on quick. I still did most of the feeding, so I can't say for sure if Travis bonded easier with Ava or Ethan. Though he def has a softer place in his heart for his girl. :)

Now I definitely would say that I love them equally. No doubt. The capacity to love is AMAZING and it has nothing/little to do with biology. I LOVE looking at our son and guessing who he looks like, but we do that with our daughter, too...we know her birthsiblings, so it's a game we get to play with her, too. I feel VERY VERY VERY blessed to have chosen this road. There are so many things about open adoption that are hard, but there are many many more that are so rewarding in ways I'd have never guessed. I enjoyed getting to "do" pregnancy and birth, and feel priveledged for having done that too. But...it's more of a gladness that I was able to experience it all and a thankfulness for the fact that it was definitely a work of God that it all happened the way it did.

Maybe we would have been happy with just Ava, just Ethan. We'd never have known, after all. There are a lot of paths life can take. But....I definitely definitely feel as if these children, this way, is something I'm "made" to do, if that makes sense!

Jess said...

OH, as if my post wasn't long enough...

After reading Amy's post, I want to add that I think that hormones (pg and post partum respectively) did help me bond with BOTH children. For me, I was more emotionally "unstable" in early pregnancy than after delivery...I was MUCH more teary and emotional with Ava's BIRTH than with Ethan, but afterwards moreso with Ethan.

The Sims Family said...

I am so glad you wrote this post. I bonded w/ my first son (adopted) right away. I love what I experienced w/ him and worry at times my bond won't be as strong w/ this new one (due in Sept.). Thanks Wendi for your honesty. Your boys are precious and I know you are blessed and thankful God chose y'all to be mommy and daddy to both of them. That's truly all that matters anyway.

Tara said...

Great post, Wendi. I know my situation is different in that both of my children are my biological children, but it's similar in that I carried one and not the other. I think the experience with each has been different. I don't think I feel/felt bonded towards one any more than the other, but I think because I'm breastfeeding my second child and didn't my first, I feel that she is more bonded to ME if that makes any sense. My first child was more content with others soothing him than my second child is. I think there are a number of factors (many people feeding my first child a bottle, many visitors for days on end for the first year of his life, personality, etc.). But I don't feel any differently towards that baby I carried and the baby I couldn't carry. And because I wasn't recovering from pregnancy and then from surgery, my first child--the one I didn't carry--was actually more enjoyable as a newborn than my second one--the one I did carry-- was (is).

Anyway, great, great job. I really hope this helps people who are struggling with the decision to adopt.

Tara said...

P.S. I LOVE that picture of you, JB and Isaac...it gave me chills and made me cry.