Mish Mosh

Well there are so many things to share, that I am not exactly sure where I should start today. So, excuse the randomness of this blog. I just don't have the energy to strive for too much of a theme today.

I guess I can start with that, my energy. After lying down the WHOLE day yesterday, I have found that walking to the bathroom now gets me out of breath. I wanted to try and stay down all day today but am growing frustrated with that idea. So I am sitting and lying a lot, but trying to take some occasional field trips. About a half hour ago I took a field trip to the garbage chute down the hall. Good times! I also took a field trip to the kitchen to take a picture of the flowers we have received. Here is the picture I took:

Now JB was not overly impressed with the picture. He asked me what I was doing. I told him I wanted a picture of my flowers. He gently and lovingly reminded me that the pulled out sofa bed in the background that I have been lying on and a barrage of needles and medications would probably not make for the best picture. I didn't disagree but explained that I lacked the energy to move things around. "People will get the idea," I said.

I don't think JB completely agreed with this assumption and instead, he decided to take a picture that more appropriately presented the flowers we had received.

Below, I present my husband, the Artist's photo. Please don't vote and tell me whose is better. I may be drugged up, but I am not a moron. I realize his photo is better, and I am okay with that. However, I didn't think mine was so bad that it shouldn't be included on the blog.


Speaking of flowers, the tulips are out in full bloom here in Minnesota. On our way to the hospital on Tuesday, JB took this picture of the tulips. Aren't they beautiful? He took a picture of me in front of them, but I feel that they are prettier without me in the photo considering my disheveled look.

Speaking of the tulips, they are having a hard time right now. They are having a hard time because it FREEZING here! I mean, it is seriously, freezing. They said we were going to have snow flurries last night. Snow flurries. On May 12. Our superintendent, Ed, told us that they turn on the air conditioning in the building from May 15-September 15. I realized that the air is on a measly FOUR MONTHS and the heat is on for EIGHT. Are you kidding me? To make matters worse, Ed came by to tell us that due to the snow, they were delaying the start of the air. Unbelievable.

Okay, all this talk about cold got me to thinking about the best cold there is! Yes, you guessed it. A Dairy Queen blizzard with chocolate ice cream and double oreos. Can't beat it. Like I had said yesterday, I have not been eating desserts. My friend Kelsey decided to do this with me and made it, like four days. She came in to work and told me she blew it. I figured, "Oh, she grabbed a tiny chocolate bar and ate it." NO! She blew it with a blizzard! That requires getting in your car and driving to the ice cream shop. I don't consider that "blowing it"; I consider that "carefully planning to blow it."

Well, back to my blizzard which was definitely a pre-calculated "blowing it". This first picture is right after JB handed me the blizzard. He even got me a bigger size than I usually got. Please excuse how "been sleeping all day" I look in this photo.

This second picture, below, was after I had taken a few bites and calmed myself down a bit. Notice though, how unbelievably happy I still appear. I do have to admit though, that I was unable to finish the blizzard. There is still some in the freezer waiting for another attempt.

Speaking of crappy food, JB and I have been eating a lot of it. There is something about being at the hospital two out of five days and requiring the chef (a.k.a. JB) to also be the dishwasher (a.k.a. used to be Wendi but is now JB) that brings out the fast food in us. However, the night before my second procedure, the amount of quick eating had gotten to us both, and JB decided to make a great fruit salad.

We've both come to realize that pictures of food aren't exactly the best, but nonetheless, here is a picture of the fruit salad complete with mango and papaya. Very good.

Okay, onto other news ... the news most of you have been seeing on the TV and emailing me about. The conjoined twins. To answer some of your top questions:

1. Yes, JB has met the twins. They were on his floor when he did his pediatric rotation. However, at the time, they were trying to keep the news media out of it and so, while JB told me, I wasn't allowed to tell anyone else. Quite tortureous. He watched them being pulled up and down the hallway in their redwagon which many of you may have seen on the web or on the news.
2. Yes, he knows a lot of the doctors in the photos and on the news. I am sure most of his classmates have met many of them as well.
3. Yes, their surgery started about the same time as my procedure, but no, we didn't see any of it because they were at St. Mary's and I was at Methodist. They do not perform any IVF procedures at St. Mary's because St. Mary's is a Catholic hospital and, Catholics (on the whole) are against children being born without a husband and wife having sex. Now this is obviously, a whole 'nother blog that would take me way too long to get into right now. However, needless to say, I don't agree with them. And if we end up having a child or two from this procedure, I am assuming my child would also disagree with them. Either way, the conjoined twins were at St. Mary's, about a mile from where I was at Methodist.

If you have fallen off of the face of the earth and do not know what I am talking about, just google "Conjoined twins" "Mayo" and you will get a ton of hits that will provide you plenty of pictures. However, here are two. The second one is a favorite of mine because this is the chapel at St. Mary's that I love SOOOOOO much. It is just so peaceful and wonderful, and I just love that photo.

Okay, well I warned you this blog would be a mish mosh and a mish mosh it has been. However before ending the mish and the mosh, I must comment on the controversy currently surrounding American Idol. Yes, you guessed it. I am talking about Chris Daughtry getting voted off. America, trust me, I was as shocked as you were. And now, they are claiming that some of the calls meant for Kris actually went for JB's girlfriend Kat McPhee. (Just kidding JB, geeez, relax! Everyone knows it's a joke.) Also, if JB gets mad about me putting a picture of Chris on my blog, I will just have to respond with putting up a picture of Kat and call it even. I'll even find a picture of Kat in that yellow dress she wore. How 'bout that?

Okay, so that's about it. I think we may go over to Ron & Ebby's tonight. Ron called and thanked JB for wanting to make cheesy chicken marinara. I don't think JB was thinking of cheesy chicken but Ronnie certainly was so cheesy chicken it is. I told JB I could go with to the grocery store if I could ride in one of those little buggies. He asked me if I meant the ones with the streering wheel and the car around them. No darling! Not the one for five-year olds. The old people's buggies with the little cart on the front.

Speaking of old people, I have gained a new respect with how frustrating it is to not be able to walk fast. It takes me FOREVER to get from place to place. The scenery is the same for so long, I just can't wait for a change. JB says he is getting weary of walking with "Pokey Wendi". I am hoping getting out of the house will help renew me energy. We will see.

Mish Mosh signing off. Adios!

We are back (by the blonde)

Well, this is Wendi and we are back. JB was going to write but decided that getting me food was more important. I am hungry! And I need my blizzard!

Where do I start? Well I guess I start with getting to the hospital. I walked across the street to Baldwin where we picked up a wheelchair and traveled the rest of the way to admissions. Here are some photos on our way to the wheelchair. I apologize for how pale I look. For one thing, I have, obviously, not been feeling well. For another thing, it is FREEZING today. They are actually projecting flurries tonight. Is it not May 12th!?!


Well here we are in our room. This was actually the room next to the room we had on Tuesday. JB said he was glad. That other room was bad luck. He went into it fertile and went out of it infertile. Or so we thought ... keep reading for mor information on the whole "JB has a sperm issue" issue.



Below is a picture of our friends Lesley (left) and Tia (right). Tia was just getting off overnight call on OB. Lesley was just coming on her shift. Tia told us to page her when we got in, we did, and they came right over. It was great to have some visitors while we waited to get started.



Okay, right after that picture above, they gave me a vallium. This was quite an amazing drug and this picture below kind of cracks me up. I was feeeling quite relaxed when this photo was taken. I really don't have a clear recollection of this photo. I was falling asleep continually and kept getting woken up to check my arm band, answer questions, etc. I was also excited when I saw that same lovely OBGYN resident that was with me on Tuesday. JB said I told her how much I liked her.



Okay, now a lot happened between the picture above and the picture below. We were wheeled into the operating room, and they started prepping me for the procedure. Now here's where things get interesting. The embryologist came in and he explained that we had 9 eggs fertilize, 3 didn't make it possibly from a sperm binding issue, but the other 6 that fertilized did NOT require ICSI.

Of course, JB was asking all these questions. We discussed the questions I wanted answered ahead of time because I knew I couldn't remember it after I took the drugs. So JB told the embryologist that Dr. C had told us they had to use ICSI. The embryologist went to talk with Dr. C who came back in apologized. He was wrong! They hadn't used ICSI at all! There was no sperm issue! We still aren't exactly sure about all this and might talk to the doctor about this again in the future, but JB, now says that our new room is good luck because he came in infertile and left fertile! Holy cow!

The actual procedure was relatively painless and fast. They put a test catheter in which didn't hurt at all because I had had the cervical dilation. Then they called the embryologist. He comes in with our two embryos and we get to WATCH THEM FALL INTO MY WOMB! This was so much more emotional than I could have ever imagined. Maybe it was just the drugs but I started SOBBING, and I think even JB was pretty moved. Then they went in and checked to make sure that the embryos didn't stick to the tube. When the embryologist says "all clear", we are done!

Then they wheeled us back to the room. Here is a picture after we got back to the room.

So now I am home. We actually took the wheelchair back home around 10:30 instead of having Tara pick us up although Tara came over to hang out for a bit. We talked for awhile and then I fell asleep while Tara was there. I didn't wake up until after 3:00. I had a bout of nausea but it passed and otherwise I am doing well.

We are very excited and amazed. They spoke with me a lot about good positive thinking, reducing stress, etc. so we are really working on this. We have some cognitive therapy CD's that will help me relax over the next two weeks before we go in for the pregnancy test to see if those little babies stuck.

We were blessed with flowers from my buddy Kristi -- "A peace lilly to give us peace" and some flowers from the RLS Foundation at what they pray is my "first of many mother's days". Wow! We also got a gift from our friend Bara today. Bara it is soooo cool. I think it is a Syrian wedding garment for me and JB? Is that right Bara? JB said he wants you to give him some more history of the gift.

I'll put some pics of our gifts up on the blog tomorrow. THANK YOU FOR all the emails and scriptures. They are great! While I haven't able to respond to everyone, we are so blessed ...

We are off

Last night I posted on Hannah's Prayer asking for some feedback on how a transfer works. I got a lot of comments and advice and stories. Here is what I think I know:

• I know we have to be there at 6:30 a.m.
• I know I am not supposed to empty my bladder (but have been advised by my posting friends to empty a little if I can).
• I know that JB can come in with me.
• I know that we are going into an operating room.
• I know they are giving me drugs that will leave me awake but quite a blonde!
• I know we will be able to see our two fresh embryos on the monitor. (I cannot WAIT for this).
• I know that I am going to eat chocolate oreo cookie blizzard tonight to celebrate (I have been off desserts for quite awhile).
• I know that for the two weeks that follow I am on a lot of restrictions, and I will gladly follow all of them. I am not even allowed to vacuum!
• I know that my stomach is currently VERY sore. I have been told this can take a few weeks to get better as my ovaries are very swollen and need to return to normal size.
• I know I am already tired of lying on the couch. I am not a couch potato. The next two weeks of minimal activity will not be easy so I plan to jog to relieve the stress. HA HA! Gotcha there, huh? I'm just kidding. No exercise. And even if I wanted to, I can't. My hubby yells if I walk too fast! :)
• I know that I am worried this will really hurt because my stomach is so sore already.
• I know I will get to talk to the doctor and get an update on our embryos and our surprising sperm issue.
• I know I have the best hubby in the world. He has been waiting on me all week and has really taken care of me. I know that he loves me despite the fact that I, well, we both have infertility issues! Imagine that.
• I know I am very excited!

Thank you for all the positive comments yesterday. I am trying to be positive, faith-filled, and hopeful. Sometimes it is hard because I am scared, but I know that the Lord is faithful and He knows the desire of our hearts. I also know we have a LOT more than two people praying, and I am also blessed that we have a total of 3 tries. I have so much to be thankful for. Great friends, family, Savior, husband, the finances to do this, being at Mayo. And that's just the icing.

I think, since I will pretty doped up, that JB will update the blog when we return home sometime toward lunch. I think our good buddie Tara (a.k.a. "the chauffeur") will pick us up again. Yo Tara! You rock.

I also wanted to share one email we received this past week. We have received tons of emails filled with thoughts, prayers, and encouragement. They were all great. I got an email from my grandparents yesterday that made me laugh so hard as they told me that they were too OLD to wait TWO weeks for the results! I was just rolling. I know G & G!!! I am too old for it too. Isn't it HORRENDOUS!?!?! What's with that anyways. When I told my friend this she was impressed that my grandparents are on the computer and checking a blog. You two are younger than you know! Even our friend Sean, who's in his 20's didn't know what a blog is.

Speaking of Sean, I got an email from our friend Sean too; it was not only comforting but hilarious. I thought I would share it with you here as I close and head out.

Hi Kits!
Just wanted to say hello and wish you the very best today. I pray that everything goes smoothly. One of the neat parts about medicine is getting to meet parents and kids of all different kinds. I know that you will be two of the very best parents and your children will be loved dearly and very lucky to have you as parents. (And so, without further delay, I'm filling out the paper work so that you could adopt me.)
: )
Peace, Sean

Now, I won't even add here that Sean reminded us the other day that he wasn't even able to drive when we started dating and has made numerous comments about us being old. I know that isn't what he meant. Right Sean?

Okay, back to the hospital. Hopefully this will be the last time for at least nine months!!!!

Time is set for Friday

Update: The nurse called and they have moved my time back to 6:30 a.m. I also talked to her how about I was still not feeling well. I went to work today but only for about three hours before I was too tired and hurting too much. She said that because I had so many eggs, my ovaries are very swollen which is why I am still so uncomfortable.

I also wanted to answer two questions that I have been asked a lot.

The first is when will we know if this worked. The answer is about 2 weeks -- around May 26th or 27th.

The second question is if I will be on bed rest at all. This is kind of a "debate" in IVF circles. There is no required bed rest, however, I will pretty loopy after this procedure (they give me meds to relax me), and I plan to try to take Friday at least and stay off of my feet. I will also try to stay off my feet for most of Saturday as well. They say it can't hurt even though it might not necessarily help. I also have a lot of restrictions over the two weeks that follow until the pregnancy test including no vacuuming, no lifting, no exercise etc.

Either JB or myself will try to update some time tomorrow although there won't be too much to report. We will simply see them drop the embryos in and then wait!

I'm sorry that all my posts are about IVF stuff lately. I promise that eventually, our blog will begin to offer some extended variety. Maybe, just for my cousin Josh, I can get JB to make some comments on peanut butter again. Josh really seemed to bond with that post.

But I won't be talking about IVF and infertility everyday. In fact, our friend Bara has promised to do a guest blog next week. But for right now, IVF is really the only thing I think about and so, that obviously comes out in my writing.

We got the message on Wednesday afternoon. 7:00 a.m. Friday it is. We go in first thing Friday morning to transfer 2 little embryos into my womb. We will actually do this as an ultrasound image is up on the screen so we will actually see the embryos dropped in. How awesome is that?

What's hard to believe is that those 6 embryos are fertilized babies! It is so hard to remember. As JB said, as of Friday, he is saying that I am officially pregnant. Of course I am not pregnant unless the embryos hang on. We just need those two little embryos to stick to the wall. They have ONE job -- STICK! I am thinking they can pull through and do this for us. But we, technically, have six little children. It's all so surreal.

I spend quite a bit of time on Hannah's Prayer. It is an online discussion board for all aspects of infertility. When I posted my results today, I was a little down, but Jenny Saaki who is the founder of Hannah's Prayer wrote me this quick post: "Wendi, congratulations on being a Mommy 6 times over! Praying for you and these precious little lives." I also got all kinds of other encouragement including: "I am really sorry about the surprising news in the middle of all of this Cycle!!! However I prefer to look at the brighter side... Six is a great number!!!! Congs on your precious babies. Praying for' you, dh and your precious babies!!!" Another post read: "God bless you Wendi. Still hoping and praying for your success with this IVF. As hard as it is, please try to not focus on all the details. It is easier said than done, and I certainly did not practice what I am preaching to you. Try as hard as you can to let go and let God." And then, "Praying for you and your six little ones -- it's an incredible feeling to know that you and your husband have children!!! Focus on that this week."

These comments were amazing to me. Do we have children right now? In a sense, yes. As I said, it's quite a confusing feeling actually knowing we have already conceived. Weird.

I don't know why but seeing these posts made me cry. (Well most everything is making me cry lately). I've never been pregnant, never been a mom, and for the first time, I feel so overwhelmed with these 6 embryos. JB and I are not selfish. If out of the six, we conceive one time, I will be blessed beyond measure. One is plenty for me. We always wanted a lot of children. JB's senior "prophecy" said that he and his wife Wendi would have a house full of little "Robbie's" (Robbie is JB's youngest brother). Now I don't want my daughter to look like Robbie or anything (no offense Robbie), but just one child and not a houseful would make my heart rest.

Sometimes I wish that I didn't want this quite so badly. Sometimes I wish that I was just okay with a family of two. But I want it more than anything. I remember one of my aunts telling me when I got married that there were two occasions in your life that you would remember forever: your wedding and the birth of your child/ren. I remember thinking: what if I never get to experience that? Of course, I know I am blessed with my wonderful husband, but we so want to include our own flesh and blood in the equation. At one of my bridal showers someone gave me a baby bootie and told me I'd get the other one and find out who knitted it, when we had our first child. I want to get that other bootie.

I know the Lord has us in the palm of His hand. I know He will take care of us and bring us to a place of peace. Please pray that I have peace over the next few weeks. I just want peace and I want to be positive. It is hard to be positive when you are scared. You want to be positive but don't want to get your hopes up. How do you do all of that? I don't know.

I just know I am so blessed by all the people praying. Please keep praying for me and our 6 embryos. Also pray that I am positive and upbeat and quit trying to protect my heart by not getting hopeful. I was talking to a great friend today -- all the non-hoping won't stop your heart from hurting when disappointment comes along so why not hope and be positive.

Thanks for loving, encouraging, and praying. It means the world to me. Thanks for listening to my words and understanding. This blog is very healing to me. Even if no one else reads it, to be able to see my growth through the storm is so wonderful.

Wendi returns

UPDATE: Well .... our results are in. We have a total of 6 embryos out of 14 that fertilized. Now if you remember, I was praying for 8 to 10 so this was a little dissapointing for me. JB is not really dissapointed at all. He was very happy with the 6. As he has said from the beginning, "The Lord knows best." If we are to get twins the first time, 4 more waiting will seem like a lot. So on Friday, they will put 2 in me, and we will have 4 frozen if everything goes as planned.

Now, where our update gets intersting is that when the doctor called and told me the results, he also told me they used ICSI. ICSI stands for: "Intracytoplasmic sperm injection." Basically, not only do I not ovulate correctly, but it appears something is "wrong" with the sperm as well. We aren't sure exactly what this means, and the doctor said he would give us more information when he sees us on Friday, but to make a long story short, when they put the eggs and the sperm together after the retrieval, they didn't fertilize!!! We had agreed beforehand that if ICSI was necessary they could use ICSI. ICSI means that they take one sperm and one egg and basically FORCE them together. However, we NEVER realistically thought that that would be the case. All the tests had come back great for John since the moment we started this process. But Dr. C said that the only way we would discover this "Sperm binding" problem is to actually do IVF. It wouldn't show up on any of the tests.

I took that a little hard and cried quite a bit. JB couldn't figure out why I was crying. I explained to him that basically, all of our attempts at artificial insemination were pointless. If we DID get the right number of eggs, it didn't really matter because they weren't fertilizing anyway! Ugh! Now of course, my reasonable husband said, "What does that matter now? We are doing IVF now and with ICSI, none of that matters." This is very true. He also said he was almost glad because now, when I got upset, I couldn't tell him to "leave me and go find a fertile wife" (which I have said a few times)! Now, the problem is shared.

So that's all I know right now. The transfer of 2 of these 6 embryos will be on Friday and we will have 2 additional chances after that. Like I said, I had hoped for more, but we have to trust the Lord that 6 is a perfect number for us. Even though I am a tad dissapointed, we could have ended up with none fertilized so 6 is good. :)

________________________________________________________

Well I am back posting on my blog. I saw JB's post. Didn't he do a great job? I truly don't remember him taking that picture of me eating toast, but I suppose, if it's there, it did happen. Other than that, there isn't much more I can tell you that he didn't already cover.

I can tell you about how yesterday went after we got home. Our lovely friend Tara drove us home, and then Kelsey stopped by around 1:30. I had a long conversation with Kelsey, and I was feeling great. Midway through talking to Kelsey, I started to fall asleep while sitting up. I went to lie down and slept from 2:00-6:00. I talked to my mom on the phone and my buddy Kristi, all the while feeling pretty good.

And then the pain took off! JB said they shoot air into me when they are doing their thing, and it was causing intense cramping -- at least a 6 or 7 on the infamous pain scale. Add to that that they actually have to cut me open, and I guess that explains my discomfort. To make matters worse, I could only lay on my left side. My right side caused cramping when I tried that and my back was not even slightly possible. Only a seat in our recliner really turned the cramping down a few knotches.

Around 8:00 JB gave me first shot of the progesterone, and I almost passed out. I still am not sure why. It didn't hurt that bad, but I was just having trouble standing and taking deep breaths due to the cramping, and I felt like I was going down. Poor JB had to help me with everything.

My night was quite long. I woke up about every two hours to go to the bathroom and take another pain pill. However, by about 3:00 this morning, the pain broke slightly, and I was even able to sleep on my right side some. Right now it is about 7:45, and I am feeling considerably better. I may try to do a few things at work, but I will just have to see how I am feeling after lunch.

I will update again in a few hours when we get an update ourselves on how our embryos are doing. Keep praying for those tiny little embryos to fertilize!!!

Today is the day!

Wendi's alive! Whew! (I just wanted to assuage any fears you may have had)

So, this is John (a.k.a. JB). Wendi is resting now, so I have been given the responsibility to inform everyone of what took place. I'll take you through the morning, but if you just want the results, you can scroll down.

Here is Wendi as we leave our condo - ain't she cute?

This is us on our way walking to the hospital. It's a reflection in a glass building.

So we arrived at the hospital at 6:20. We checked in and sat in the waiting room for about 10 minutes. Wendi's abdomen (no not the stomach - that's a digestive organ :) ) was pretty tender... I can't see why! They called her name, loaded her in a wheelchair (which she was very thankful for), and we were taken to our room.

Very relieved to be on a bed after the walk to the hospital.
(Just so you know, I said I could drive her over, but she wanted to walk outside!)

We hung out in the room for about 3 minutes before the nurse came in and asked Wendi a barrage of questions: any allergies to meds? any prior surgeries? any adverse reactions to anesthesia? where is kuala lumpur? rate your current pain? etc...

Then they took her temp, weight, blood pressure, heart rate, and respiratory rate, and then they took her to the pre-operative area. Now Wendi did not quite understand what was actually happening. She thought she was going to talk to the anesthesiologist and then come back to the room. I knew she was leaving for good, so I was a little surprised when she left without saying a word. I was putting something in her bag, looked up, and the room was empty. Now, I was really okay with that, but Wendi found herself being assigned a new bed in the pre-op area, and was like, "Ummm, am I going to see my husband before I have the surgery?" That is why I got called to pre-op about five minutes after I was abandoned.

I went down there and saw Wendi looking perplexed and worried saying "I won't be getting a general anesthesia?" She saw me and said, "I don't want to feel or remember anything!" The anesthesiology tech said that she would be getting more than a light sedation, but not as strong as general - basically completely out of it, but not needing to be intubated (breathing tube).

Wendi said she doesn't remember much. Being wheeled into the OR. Everyone talking to her and messing with tubes and stuff. A really sweet OB/Gyn resident holding her hand. Seeing the doctor. The anesthesiologist saying that he was going to make her more comfortable. Waking up in the hallway wheeling back to the room... and me! :)

Post-op. Wendi had to eat and drink before they would let her take a pain pill. The meds were still in her system, because she doesn't remember eating anything at all - but this toast is the proof!

We waited in the room for quite a while. Wendi was in and out of sleep for about an hour. The nurses came and took her vitals and said the doctor would be there in about 20 minutes. About an hour after that, the doctor came, apologized for being late and gave us the number of eggs retrieved....

Drumroll please...

21 eggs retrieved! We were hoping for at least 14, so this was great! I'll let Wendi explain the rest of the process when she is feeling up to it.

The doctor left, Wendi got dressed, and I rolled her downstairs. Tara, a classmate of mine (and a really good friend to Wendi), is on her research block, so she had some free time to pick us up to drive us home. However, Wendi said she needed to make a food run for some Chinese first.

Here is Wendi and Tara waiting for the food.

And here is she back home safe and sound, with Chinese food... minus 21 eggs.

(Oh - and Kuala Lumpur is in Malaysia.)

__________________________________________________

Well it's 5 a.m. If you prayed for me to sleep well, I appreciate it as I slept pretty soundly from 10:30 to just a few minutes ago. Dave and Lesley came over last night for our usual date: watching 24. They brought muffins from Pannakooken and prayed for us before they left. We really love them!!!!

I can hardly believe that today is the day. I was so frustrated back in January with how long we had to wait and now, the day is here, and it seems like we haven't waited that long at all.

I don't know many details about today. I know we are supposed to check in at 6:30. My guess is that the procedure will start around 8:00 a.m. because it is usually 36 hours after the trigger shot, and I took my trigger at 8:00 p.m. Sunday night. I have no idea how I will feel afterwards or how groggy I will be. I hope to return to work tomorrow so I am hoping I am not too groggy.
I am a little concerned with how my stomach will stand up. I have had such terrible cramping for the last few days but my tylenol with codeine has truly helped to relieve that. Unfortunately, after midnight, I can't eat or drink anything so please pray that the cramping eases up.

I think JB plans to update the blog later on today so check back for more news sometime soon. And keep praying as we will be checking in to the hospital on Friday again ...

THANKS FOR THE PRAYERS!!!! KEEP THEM COMING!!!

Thank you friends

I just wanted to post a quick thank you on my blog. Today has been one of the longest days of my life. I have cried many times and have taken a very healing nap! JB went out to get me the only thing I could think of to eat -- a grilled cheese sandwhich from Culver's and a fruit smoothie from Inta Juice. Unfortunately, when I am bothered by something, my appetite is the first to go and that is definitely the truth today. I am not hungry and nothing sounds good, and after midnight tonight, I can't eat again.

After just working a few hours at Mayo, I have been mostly at home today, resting, working on a scrapbook for English's graduation, doing a little work for RLS, and attempting a few chores as my body permits. JB is trying to help me by doing some laundry and cleaning up. Our house is not a pretty sight right now. But as I have been at home, every time I go to check my email, there is someone else sending me some sort of encouraging words, scriptures, a list of people they have asked to pray etc. I AM SO BLESSED by everyone's encouragement. I have heard from people I haven't heard from in months and years and people I have never met. I cannot even BEGIN to tell you what a comfort it is to know how many people are praying for us and this procedure.

If you think of it tonight, I would just ask you to pray for me to have peace. My biggest "peace-issue" has been the number we have chosen to fertilize: 14. I had always said that if we didn't end up with enough frozen, we could just go back and do this harvesting again. But after the last month of shots, migraines, stomach aches, pills, blood draws, and ultrasounds, I really don't feel like I could do this again. So this puts me in a panic. What if they fertilize 14 and only 1 takes or only 3 take? Of course, this is a non-issue. We picked 14 many months ago after much discussion, prayer, and thought. JB has assured me that no matter how much I second-guess things, he will not sign the paper to change the number! So that's that. And even if we did change it to, say, 20 ... what if all 20 fertilized? Then we have a whole 'NOTHER issue.

Of course, I KNOW this is all in the Lord's hands and I must give him this burden to carry, but, I am sure you all know how hard that can be to do. I am really not scared about the surgery. I am scared about being told the result, waiting to hear how the embryos are doing on Wednesday morning, and waiting the weeks that follow to find out whether the embryos implanted.

Anyways, the reason for my second post in one day (which is unusual even for me) is to say thank you. I have sat in front of my computer and just cried, so blessed by all the great words, prayers, scriptures, and encouragement. I can't write everyone back individually, but you know who you are, and thank you for your prayers and love.

I hope to post quickly before we leave early tomorrow morning. Again, thank you!

Trigger away

Good news for me: last night we took the "trigger" shot which will cause my eggs to start to release. Bad news for me: the needles only held 3 ml and I had to take 9 ml which meant -- you guessed it! Three intra-muscular shots. Poor JB felt so bad. Afterwards, we counted. These were my 32nd, 33rd, and 34th shot in a two week period. My new shots of progesterone will start on Tuesday evening. These will continue for 2 weeks and an additional 8 weeks if I am pregnant. These things are supposed to be the grand-daddy of all shots. I have a friend currently taking them and she is tough! So when she tells me they are terrible, I get a little worried. They are also intra-muscular. Intra-muscular kinda sucks. Since we had to do three shots (2 in 1 thigh, 1 shot in the other thigh), I am currently not able to bend either one of my legs very much. I am quite a site right now.

So anyways, 34 shots, 5 ultrasounds, and 4 blood draws later have finally brought us to tomorrow morning at 6:30 a.m. The retrieval is timed perfectly so that we go in right as my eggs are about to release.

There are actually four women who will be doing IVF this week at Mayo Clinic, and I met one of the other women in the waiting room yesterday morning as we were both in on Saturday and Sunday morning for blood work and ultrasounds.

The last time I had a conversation with a woman in the lobby of the infertility center, I was sorry I did immediately. She had five children, then got her tubes tied, then divorced her husband, then remarried. Her new husband wanted a child of his own, so, because her insurance covered IVF and not tubal reversal, they opted for IVF. She said to me (and I quote), "I don't know how I could possibly handle all this if I had no children. At least I have my five in case this doesn't work." I nodded and smiled, obviously crushed.

It's hard when you have a fear. It's even harder when someone says that fear out loud. It's almost as if your fear has a "voice" and is "real." When no one says it, you can convince yourself that it is irrational and all in your head. But when someone says it, you realize that your fear is real. I have a fear of being alone. I have a fear of JB getting called to duty overseas and being in a strange place with no children to spend my days with. I remember once having someone tell me not to worry about JB getting called to duty because I would have children by then. To hear them say that out loud nearly crushed me even though their intentions were very good. When the fear was in my head it was safe. And suddenly, to hear it, it was real. IVF is hard because for us, without a miracle, this is our last opportunity. I feel that it is harder because we don't have any children to go home to. To hear someone say that out loud is even harder than feeling it inside.

This woman yesterday was a little gentler but still oblivious to the fact that we didn't have two children to go home to. She spoke of her two boys and the fact that she only wanted one more and so they were going to give IVF a try. She didn't even seem too concerned if it didn't work.

Now don't get me wrong. I have quite a few great friends (you know who you are) who have struggled with secondary infertility (infertility after you already have a child or children) and I truly believe that this is JUST as painful as primary infertility. Actually I believe that women who get pregnant easily with child #1 and THEN struggle (when they never saw the struggle coming) are hurting just as much as I am. People are less prone to offer you sympathy because "well you have one." They also can't avoid places where babies are present because they have another child to take to the park and the mall and what-not. To the opposite extreme, I think women who have difficulty conceiving #1 will often handle secondary infertility easier because they were prepared for its arrival. For instance, if we were to have a child, we would be prepared for difficulty with #2.

So I know IVF is just as important to these women as it is to me -- well, maybe not the woman who already had five, but you know what I mean. It's just that, to hear them say that they don't know how they would handle this without their children at home to comfort them -- that goes to my core.

Sorry, I don't mean to be a downer. I have a LOT of thoughts floating through my head right now, and they are coming in fairly random. I didn't really sleep much last night at all. JB was so sweet. Everytime I would start tossing and turning, he would just rub my back and talk me through my anxious mind.

Despite my had running a mile a minute, yesterday was a nice day. I did some work at Mayo and then we went over to the Rays and cooked out. Our good friends Tara and Sean, who are both on research and therefore equipped with quite a bit of free time, joined us. It was a great day with beautiful weather. Jb went and saw Mission Impossible-3 with Ron and his kids while I rested at home. He said it was great.

Today, both Jb and I have off. I plan to go into Mayo for a bit just to tie up some loose ends. We also plan to go to the beautiful chapel at St. Mary's at some point just to sit together and pray for awhile. We, of course, believe you can pray anywhere. But we both agreed we could use some quiet and peaceful time to spend together and with the Lord. (I previously captured some pictures of this chapel when we went to hear Tara play her flute there. You can check out this post to see the pictures of the chapel.)

Our 1% excitement and 99% scared feelings continue. Or is that 99% scared and 1% excited? Who the heck knows. I am weary but anxious for Tuesday, Friday, and the weeks that follow. Keep those prayers coming!!!

P.S. On Saturday, we went to see our good friends Calvin and Karen's baby Jadon. We were unable to go visit in the hospital due to appointments, and even though I wasn't feeling very well Saturday we wanted to see him before our hectic week took over. Here is a picture from the visit. JB is actually doing a mini-exam as Jadon has a bit of jaundice. Dad Calvin is a doctor, but he's a surgeon, and we all know (and Calvin admits) that surgeons forget the general health stuff a few years out of medical school. JB said that Jadon will just be fine. He's an adorable little guy! Too cute!

P.S.S. I am also including a picture from this hospital of Dave, Lesley, Karen, and Calvin (with new baby) as I just love the picture and it has four of our great friends in it, and I wanted to share it.

Nuggets of Wisdom

Update: Well, I went in for my blood draw and ultrasound this morning same as usual. I was actually feeling a lot better today as my doctor told me to take the Tylenol with codeine for that pain instead of the migraine pain and it has helped TONS. The ultrasound was still unpleasant, however, we had so many great looking follicles on the right ovary that he spent very little time on my left ovary to prevent unnecessary pain. They like to see at least four follicles that are 18 above. I currently have 6 that are 18 above and about 6 more that are right at about size 17 or 17.5. Basically, we have PLENTY of good-looking follicles. We have a bunch that are close to 17 and by Tuesday morning, even without additional meds, these may very possibly be mature as well. Either way the doctors will take out EVERYTHING they can get, pick the best looking 14 (because that is all we are fertilizing) and fertilize them. I will find out the next morning how those 14 are doing.

The nurse just called and confirmed our Tuesday date. I had JB talk to her as she was giving a ton of instructions and I wanted to make sure they were all correct. (I second guess things a lot). The biggest thing to tell you is that we report at 6:30 a.m. on Tuesday morning. It's official.

A few things that I am currently leaning on for encouragement right now:

My Aunt Jan sent me this scripture:

This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us - whatever we ask - we know that we have what we asked of him.

My friend Leina sent me this forward (which I normally hate, but I loved this one)!

To: YOU
Date: TODAY
From: GOD
Subject: YOURSELF

Reference: LIFE This is God. Today I will be handling All of your problems for you. I do Not need your help. So, have a nice day. I love you.

P.S. And, remember... If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, do Not attempt to resolve it yourself !! Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something for God to do) box. I will get to it in MY TIME. All situations will be resolved, but in My time, not yours. Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it by worrying about it. Instead, focus on all the wonderful things that are present in your life now. Should you decide to send this to a friend you may have touched their life in ways you will never know! Now, you have a nice day, God

And JB, in his brilliance and profound nature, continues to say to me:

"I'm 99% scared and 1% excited. Or maybe it's 1% excited and 99% scared. But that's what makes it so great."

Actually that quote is not spiritual at all. It is from Armageddon when Owen Wilson is getting ready for their trip to outerspace. I'm not sure of the exact quote but that's how JB repeats it.

Anyways, getting ready to leave for our blood work and ultrasound. I'm actually to go in and catch up on a few things at work after my appointment (its like a few minutes walk away) so that I can take Monday and Tuesday completely off. I'll either put a quick update on here from work or have JB put it up when we get back.

Why I was pumped

Update: Well, I went in for my blood draw and ultrasound at 7 a.m. this morning. It was nice because on the weekends, the normal tech isn't there so a fellow (a year away from being done with training) does the ultrasound. This fellow, Dr. A___, is a great guy and is actually in charge of most of the decisions regarding my care. My follicles have definitely grown quite a bit and are nearly mature. He said he would wait to see what my estrodial was and either trigger me tonite (to release the eggs) or tomorrow nite.

Tara came over for breakfast, and I broke my rule of not letting people due dishes at my house as I am VERY VERY VERY uncomfortable. Actually, Dr. A quit measuring the follicles after awhile because I was so uncomfortable. He said he got the big ones, no need to put me through that much pain. While she was doing the dishes, the nurse called. My estrodial had doubled: 1055, and as Dr. A had suggested, he wants to give me one extra day to assure they are all mature.

So, barring any unforeseen circumstances, I will be going in on Tuesday for the retrieval which would make the transfer fall on Friday.

There it is. Tuesday it is. Please just pray for my comfort level. The ultrasounds are not fun at all with as uncomfortable as I am -- but we are almost there!


Okay, so a few weeks ago I did a post on how "pumped" I was about a story I was assigned for Rochester Women Magazine. Friday night we went to a release party for the magazine, and I found out that my story made the cover. I was told that it was a cover "candidate" but did not know until today that it made the cover.

What makes this story so great was, well, you know, you should just read it yourself. You can do that at: Beautiful Inside and Out. But I will tell you that the woman I wrote the story on, Jill Krieger Swanson, is a great Christian woman who adopted her two children and also does wonders with style and inspirational speaking. Now if you can remember from a previous post, I have recently admitted my new passion was fashion! So needless to say, Jill was a perfect fit for me in many ways.

Aside from my story, I went to bed last night at around 8:30, halfway through a movie, Murder on the Nile, with JB. I don't know what else to say except THEY NEED TO GET THESE EGGS OUT OF ME! The headaches were very good yesterday -- I only needed 2 pills. But my stomach is just ROARING with ANGER at having 50 eggs inside of it!!!

So here we go again, going in now for my blood draw and ultrasound. The earliest the retrieval could now be as Monday. (I will get 36 hours notice). So if they tell me today at 3:00 that I am ready, then I will be going in on Monday. Personally, I am thinking I will be going back in tomorrow which would put my transfer on Tuesday. Either way, I am really ready to go!!! I am having trouble walking, sleeping, sitting, standing up, anything. So that kinda puts a hard time on ANYTHING!

More updates coming later in the day.

Friday's Fast Facts

Update #2: Well, I got a call from the nurse. My estrodial was at 518 -- a lot higher but still a bit from 3,000. She said it could easily double in 24 hours however. I am taking 225 units of gonal tonite and another shot of lupron in the morning and then I have a blood draw and ultrasound at 8 a.m. tomorrow. I'll let you know something more tomorrow when I know something more! We are progressing nicely.

* * * * * * *

Update: Well I had my ultrasound at 8:10 and the news couldn't have been better! We had approximately 32 follicles of size 14 or larger (size 18-20 is considered "mature"). In addition we had approximately 20 follicles that were not measured but were 10 or less. (And remember -- we only plan to have them fertilize 14 so this is PLENTY!!!!) This is exactly what the doctor projected should happen -- the tons of follicles that worked against me with the IUI (because of the high risk of multiples) are now our friends! For the first time, as JB feverishly tried to write down all the follicle sizes, I wasn't crying knowing that this meant a cancelled cycle. This is what they WANTED. It was a great relief. I am waiting for my 3:30 call which will tell me what my blood estrodial was. I found out they want it to be about 3,000. I was 165 the other day but given how the follicles are doing, I am sure it will be pretty high. She'll then tell me what the weekend schedule is. But, we are very happy!!!!

* * * * * * *

Well I hope you all enjoyed Josh's post yesterday. If you have a free second, leave a comment for him. It will make him feel important. And that means a lot to Josh.

Just kidding Josh -- don't get all in a tizzy.

Josh and Sarah are two of our dearest friends. Josh is basically just like the language of his post most of the time. One time he did have a serious conversation with me, but then he told me he was just joking so that was the end of that.

Maybe Josh will pop back in sometime. Let me know, Josh, if you have anything more important than that post to share. Although with as deep as that post was, I find it highly unlikely your brain will be able to surpass that greatness.

JUST KIDDING!!!!!

As for me, I have come to realize that I am going through menopause! Don't laugh. It's true ... in a sense. When JB talked to the doctor he worked with the other day about me doing IVF, the one who had a daughter from IVF, he asked JB how I was handling going through menopause.

Lupron actually causes my body to decrease estrogen production! This is the same thing that happens to women going through menopause. It explains a lot of things including the fact that despite going off the birth control pill, I am still having the migraines.

However, I have decided to list all of the good things going on right now as there are many:

• I am not really going through menopause! I will be un-menopaused very soon.
• I probably have less than five shots left in my stomach.
• I probably have less than fives left in my thighs.
• Both of my jobs are really working with my schedule and helping to relieve extra stress.
• I have PLENTY of Tylenol with codeine now ... 120 pills. I am able to take the pills now all day .(I took about 10 today) without thinking twice about it and worrying that I will run out.
• We will most likely be doing the transfer in LESS than a week!
• I am married to the best husband in the world.
• My hormones have been fairly in check during this IVF cycle -- probably more than my 7 previous IUI/Clomid cycles.

I also want to ask for prayer that:

• I am able to sleep well the next few nights. My mind is spinning like crazy!
• they are able to pull out at least fourteen eggs or more.
• we end up with between 6 and 8 frozen embryos (or more). This would mean that after our first attempt with 2 embryos, we would have enough for 3-4 more tries without having to go back for more eggs (the hard part -- what I am doing now).
• I come out of the surgery and anesthesia feeling great.
• the Lord would guide the doctor's hands and eyes.
• JB's does great on his psychiatry test today.
• the transfer goes well -- the easier they get the instruments in and the less they touch my uterus, the better it is.

Today:

• I go in for a blood draw at 7:00 a.m.
• I go in for an ultrasound at 8:10 a.m. (JB is able to go with me!)
• we will meet with the nurse after my ultrasound to ask questions and discuss how my follicles are doing.
• JB has his final psychiatry test at 10:00 a.m.
• when the doctor gets our blood results in, he will look at the blood results and the ultrasound results and decide what we should do next.
• we will be getting a call around 3:00 telling us what our estrodial results were and what our schedule is for the next 24-36 hours.
• I will post after 3:00 when we know what is happening next.
• From 4:30-6:00 we are having a "release" party for the next issue of Rochester Women. At this point, I can tell you what my "awesome" story was about that I was so "pumped" about! We plan to only stay for a bit given how I am feeling.

Check back later this evening for an update of what the weekend holds.

Heisman in the HOUSE!

Well, well, well...It seems my sweet cousin Wendi needs to be a little more careful when I'm around. Maybe next time she won't leave her username and password out in the open!

Serioulsy though, Wendi asked me (Josh)to be a "Special Guest Blogger" today, and I just thought that was an excellent idea. The only question I had was...well...what should I write about? You see, from time to time Wendi asks John to be a "Special Guest Blogger". At first she probably thought that was a GREAT idea, but I'm sure Wendi quickly learned that it is not wise to give John free reign over anything. Now listen, I love JB as much as everyone else, but we all know that, given the opportunity, John will try to bring some "educational value" to everything. That, my friends, includes this blog! Now normally I wouldn't have a problem with this because I, for one, am not very high up on the educational ladder of life, and I am always looking to learn new/interesting facts about the differences between Natural Peanut Butter and Jiff Creamy Peanut Butter! But sometimes JB takes it over the line and starts telling me about his favorite diet plans, and why some work better than others. Alright...I'll stop. JB is one of the best guys I know so I'll leave him alone (plus, I know he has plenty of things he could say about me). So let's move on.

So...what should I write about? (Better yet, how can I make Wendi immediately regret her decision to let me blog?)

Well, I am kind of crazy so let me tell you what I did yesterday....

First off I needed to go to the store. I was walking down an isle when a guy said to me, "Hey man, how's it going?" I quickly jumped up, grabbed his arm and twisted it behind his back and said, "Now who's asking the questions?" After that, I had promised my 2 year old son that I would take him to Disneyworld so we jumped in the car and headed that direction. But instead of going to Disneyworld I took him to an old burned down warehouse and said, "OH NO TYLER, Disneyworld burned down!" He cried and cried, but I think he knew it was a funny joke. I started to drive to the real Disneyworld, but it was getting late so we just went home.

By the way, if you worked on a lobster boat, I bet sneaking up behind people and pinching them on the butt would be a joke that gets old pretty fast...but that's just what I think!

Well guys, I think that about wraps it up for me. Thank you for reading. Please direct all complaints to the Flakymn Foundation for Medical Students Wives!

Thank you for your time...Wendi will be back soon, I promise!

P.S. JB, I love ya man!

Josh

First blood test results are in

Yesterday was a rough day as I mentioned on my blog. Thanks for all your prayers and encouragement. At 9:00 p.m. I couldn't take the stomach pains, loopiness, and headaches anymore and went to bed. JB followed a few minutes later reminding me that I hadn't take any of my meds. He gave my metformin pills which I took and then went into the kitchen to prepare my Gonal shots.

I noticed John was taking an exceptionally long time preparing my shots, and my mind started wandering. I started adding. Each Gonal "pen" contains 900 units of medicine. As I added I realized that I had taken 825 units of medicine so far. I needed to take 150 units of medicine. How could this be done unless ...

JB came into the bedroom with a pouty face and mumbled, "I have bad news." I already knew what it was and started laughing and yelling, "Noooo!!!!" If there was only 75 units left in the pen (worth over $50), I would need to take two shots in the stomach. Bummer! It was not the news I wanted but my wonderful husband did the best job he could and it was relatively painless. However, when your stomach is cramped, grabbing a bunch of skin and sticking a needle into it isn't my favorite thing to do.

However, JB made me feel really good. He told me that he thought I was doing a great job which meant a lot as I have really felt like one big complaining frustration. He actually said that emotionally I have been handling this better than the IUI cycles.

Anyways, I slept very well and woke up feeling pretty good. I went in for my blood draw at 7:00 this morning having just one headache pill left.

My doctor continues to give me 20 pills at a time with no refills. This means that every time I finish my pills I have to call the pharmacy and request that they fax my physician and get more pills. Since I am allowed to take 13 pills a day (I take about 3-5 on a good day and 8-10 on a bad day), giving me 20 pills is only about 2-3 days worth. This doesn't always work well. I called the pharmacy on Tuesday morning and as of 8 this morning, they still didn't have anything for me. I called up to my doctor's area, and they said they would push the order through.

An hour later I get a call. They wouldn't refill my prescription unless I came back in for an appointment. Now mind you, I am currently a hormonal basketcase! I have already cried a few times that morning for no reason at all. So when they tell me this, I start crying. Then they transfer me to the appointment desk and I am told that the next available appointment is on Monday, May 9th! Needless to say I started crying even harder.

The woman obviously felt bad for this weeping girl fighting a migraine and cramps and began looking for another doctor I could see. She found an opening later that afternoon -- 1:10. I immediately emailed JB and asked if he could go with me. I felt a mess and really wanted him there to answer questions or help if I fell apart. I didn't want to appear as if I was desperate for drugs. John had a lecture but said he would work on it. About an hour later I got an email from him. It read:

I will be going with you! I spoke with Dr. ___, and he brought me to his office. He then showed me his family photo of his two daughters - one from IVF (ixy?) and the other a china adoption!!!! He was great! He also said that the other Dr. who is in charge of the rotation, Dr. ___, has twins from IVF!!! And both of these doctors are Air Force! Amazing. Either way, I will be going with you.

I was blessed again by how present the Lord is in the little things. It meant so much to have John there with me. And the fact that the physicians he was working with have not only been understanding but many of them have DONE IVF was amazing!

The new doctor talked to me a bit, said she thought this would go away after IVF was over and gave me a new prescription with 60 PILLS and 1 REFILL!! Another great answer to prayer.

Shortly after returning to work I got a call from Nancy at the RE office. She said my estrogen was 165. Now this means little to you and even very little to me but basically this number indicates how mature my follicles are. A mature follicle emits approximately 150-200 "units" of estrogen. This number is pretty low but low is not bad. They want to move slowly. They will look at this number and my internal ultrasounds to determine when my follicles are ready to go.

So the new schedule: Gonal tonight (225 units), Lupron and Gonal tomorrow (Thursday) and then a blood draw and ultrasound on Friday morning at 8:10. I will know more then. I would assume after Friday the ultrasounds will definitely be everyday until early next week.

In other news, our friends Calvin and Karen had their son: Jadon Wan yesterday around 2:00 in the afternoon. However, even neater than Jadon's birth (well, maybe not, but it is still pretty cool) is that Lesley is on OBGYN and got to deliver him! I was looking through the pictures and was like "There's a familiar face!" Here are some photos via Calvin. He sent us a whole album with some great snapshots.

Congrats Calvin and Karen on your new son.

Quick post

This post will be very quick. My head is giving me fits and JB thinks its better that when I am home, I avoid being on the computer if I can prevent it -- especially since I am starting at a computer all day. In addition, I am feeling fairly sick as well, definitely a good "sign" as it indicates the follicles that they want to grow are growing, and growing like crazy.

I am making it through work each day by taking a lot of pain pills but am then coming home, going to sleep for two hours, getting up for two hours, and going back to bed. I really have no appetite, most likely as a result of the major cramping.

From this point forward I will not be going into RLS and instead working from home in order to try and make all my appointments and keep up with my workload and get enough rest. My work at Mayo will be limited and based according to what I can handle each day.

Tomorrow I go in for my first blood draw. From this point forward I get a call at 3:00 each day telling me what to do the next day.

I would like to ask for prayer for the following things:

• My headaches
• My stomach and the major cramping going on
• That the surgery "retrieval" would take place earlier rather than later so I can go off these hormones as soon as possible
• For JB as he is having to not only help me with all my meds but basically now take care of everything around the house. In addition, of course, he is on his psych rotation all day and has his major shelf test this Friday.

I apologize to those of you who have emailed or called and not heard back from me. I am really having difficulty keeping up with communication given how I am feeling.

Thanks for the prayers. I'll update you tomorrow after I get the blood results back.

Reason # 342 not to have children

Jb and I have a sort of running joke between us. Whenever we see a child do something annoying, gross, frustrating, ridiculous, etc. we quickly give it a random number. For example, JB sees a kid pick his nose and eat it and turns to me and says, "reason #469 not to have children."

Now, obviously, as evidenced from the large amounts of money, tears, and effort we have put into having children, everyone reading this blog knows that we want to have children probably more than anything. However, we have also learned that you have to be able to make jokes and poke fun at your own problems. We have also really made it a point to celebrate our family of two.

Side note: I hate when people ask when we plan to start our family as we consider ourselves already a family even if we are a small family. Don't ever ask someone that. What constitutes a family? 2.2 children and a dog? Sorry. Now stepping off my soap box.

So anyways, onto our list (which actually doesn't exist in a concrete sense).

One of the ways we have poked fun at our situation and also reminded ourselves of all the problems we are avoiding by not having children is to point out all the things that would not be fun about having a child. A really dirty diaper? #421. The time one of the kids in our Sunday school class told a story about her mother in a hot tub with a priest? #49. Throw-up? #12.

Today I witnessed reason #342 -- child throws a temper tantrum in the middle of a rain storm while mother carries three bags of groceries. I am not making this up. On my way home from work, a woman walked out of the tiny grocer next to my house with 3 plastic bags in her right hand. In her left hand was the hand of a two-year-old little girl, complete with yellow rain slicker and galoshes.

They walked along with no apparent distress brewing. Then, all of a sudden, for what appeared to be no reason at all, the toddler stopped walking and SAT DOWN! The mother tried to pull her by the arm to get her to stand up but to no avail. The little girl continued to sit, in the rain, crying.

Now I am sure there was a reason in the two-year-old's mind, and maybe she even conveyed that to the mother for her refusal to walk another step. However, I am also pretty sure that this reason was not a very good one. I also really felt for the poor mother. It was raining. She had her hands filled with groceries, and now she had a toddler who refused to go home!

The solution? Manage to pick up the screaming child while holding her bags of groceries and getting soaken wet.

Are there any arguments that this makes the list? Oh, and we don't rank these items as it would be too subjective. If we did, I'm sure this event would at least cut into the top 100.

If you feel that you have an item that must be included, be sure to let me know. We'll consider every request for addition to our list. We apologize we cannot respond to each request personally.

I'm going to join the worship team (and other cold hard facts that may or may not be true)

I have figured out a sure-fire way to get pregnant. It's kind of obscure, but I think it just may work. I am going to join the worship team at church. I am sure JB is rolling his eyes right about now, but for those of you who attend Christ Community with me, you can't deny the cold hard facts. Nearly every woman on stage has either just had a baby or is preparing to have one. Add to that the fact that one of the leaders who wasn't on stage today sat right next to us, and I've decided that there must be something to leading singing that = having a baby.

Well, scratch that. I can't sing or play an instrument. But I still think there is something to that.

Speaking of trying to get pregnant. I thought I would quickly update you on where we are with IVF.

We are currently taking 10 units of Lupron each morning. Lupron is used to stop my body from ovulating spontaneously. Now for some women this Lupron would be very important as lack of ovulation is not their problem. However, in my case, having to take Lupron to stop something that never happens anyway kinda makes me giggle when I start thinking deeply about it. But, still, I take those shots in my thigh each morning.

Each evening I am taking shots of follicle stimulating hormones -- Gonal F. I take these shots in my stomach. And, honestly, shots in the stomach aren't as bad as they sound. I really have no problem with these. I am taking 225 units of Gonal F. This is the same medicine I took with my IUI (artificial insemination) procedures although I am taking nearly double what I took with the IUIs. This medicine is helping my follicles (which have eggs inside of them) grow.

Both of these are heavy hormones so while I am off the birth control pill, both of these meds also have headaches as a side effect so that could be why the headaches have gotten less frequent but not less intense.

On Wednesday this week I will go in for a blood draw which will measure my estrodial level. The level of the estrodial helps them know how many follicles I have and how mature they might be. At 3:00 on Wednesday I will get a call. They will tell me how much Gonal to take that evening and when to come in for an ultrasound and a blood draw. Basically, I will plan on daily ultrasounds and blood draws (with maybe a day off here and there) until the following week. I will get a call around 3:00 nearly everyday telling me what to do the next day.

They are hoping to have the retrieval (where they get the eggs) on Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday, May 8, 9, or 10, and then 3 days later go back and put 2 embryos in me!

So we are, right there. Counting the days. JB has gotten permission from his family medicine rotation people to take an entire week off if need be. This was a great blessing. This way he will be able to not only take me to all appointments, but be with me when I am coming off the anesthesia etc. Also, after I do the transfer, I will have some strict rules includng not lifting more than 10 pounds for two weeks so I will need him more than usual. I am excited about having him all to myself for a week.

As for other news, it's been a pretty rainy Sunday. We went to church at 9:00 (JOSH!), I went to work from 10:30-12:30, then Tara, Lesley, Nicole and I went to the NEW Pannakooken (I never can spell that) which is downtown and within walking distance! Then Tara and I hung out at her apartment for a bit. I am now doing a load of whites while JB makes some dinner. Although after our big lunch, I am really not that hungry.

I am very excited about the next 10 days of our lives. I so appreciate all the prayers and encouragement. Please keep them coming big time.

Oh and one more thing: Ben Hur is an Awesome movie! If you have never watched it, do it today!!! Don't delay. I was thoroughly impressed and will probably blog about this sometime in the future. It won 11 of 12 Academy Awards it was nominated for and was so beyond it's time. FANTASTIC MOVIE!

Goat U

Earlier this week, I heard about this "school" about "goats" being advertised on the radio. I remember hearing it and thinking immediately of JB. "He would love this!" It took hearing the ad a second time before I was able to catch the webpage and get him information.

As you may have noticed on previous posts, JB has expressed his interest in one day having a farm. This wouldn't be a huge farm but more of a "hobby farm." He would probably like this farm to include some goats so this was very educational and intriguing for him.

It was in fact a "Goat U" and was designed as an advertising tool for Purina. It's actually a very brilliant idea. Provide the general public and goat owners information about goats, give them a free lunch, t-shirt and products, charge a minimal amount of money ($12) and receive in return a bunch of free advertisement.

JB decided mid-week that this 8-4:00 "University" was something he planned to do despite the fact that it would take up his whole Saturday. While he was at Goat U, I planned to spend the day scrapbooking, cleaning up the house, and taking naps.

I ended up at Goat U with JB.

I'm not even really sure how this happened. Sometime inbetween getting halfway through Ben Hur (which we plan to finish tonight and so far I just absolutely LOVE) and waking up this morning, JB had convinced me to attend the Goat University with him.

I know, I know. Can you believe it? I love my husband so much that I decided I would rather listen to people talk about goats the whole day then spend the whole day without him around.

Basically what this was was two hours of opening lectures and then different workshops. Honestly, if it wasn't for the fact that I was having to take so much headache medicine that I was nearly sitting up asleep, (so much so that one of the speaker's wives asked me if I was "listening intently"), I kinda, sorta, enjoyed the goat talk and getting to see and pet the goats.

At one point I went to a different session than JB. He wanted to learn about healthcare for the goats, but I wanted to see some actual goats so I went to a class on showmanship. This was very interesting. They actually had the young kids get out there and worked with them on how to show their goats. I learned that there are two judging classes in all the 4H "stuff." There is actually judging on the quality of your animal which is nothing you can control. I always thought this was what all kids were judged on. But there is actually a "Showmanship" category as well which has nothing to do with how "good" your animal is but how "good" the kid is at making the animal look good. This means that even kids without the money to invest in a great, award-winning goat (or cow or pig or whatever), can win some awards.

We also attended a class on how to care for you goat. This was actually quite painful as they taught us techniques for de-budding (taking the horns out), de-hooving (trimming the toe-nails down), castrating (taking the, well, you know, out) etc. I was feeling really bad for some of these goats by the time we were done. At least with the dairy goats, this is for a full-life. But these poor meat goats will only live about 6 or 7 months anyways!

During the session of meat goats (which is probably what we would have as they require less work -- no milking), I learned what kind of market there is for these goats. Pakistanians, Indians, Mexicans actually come to the speaker's house and butcher the goat right there! He doesn't even need to advertise. There is a market for goat meat at any age. Even one of the dairy goat speakers told us that he simply leaves raw goat milk in the refrigerator on the side of his property and people he never meets come in, leave money, and take milk! How bizarre and fascinating all at the same time.

Another class discussed how to make good gates for your goats and provide them with entertaining toys. I learned that goats can climb really high and are very agile. I learned that goats are picky eaters. I learned that goats do NOT like to get wet. I really learned a lot of things. I got a good lunch, and I got a cool t-shirt.

I came home and fell asleep for nearly two hours and am now going to eat some dinner and finish the movie with JB. However, I did take some pictures of the goats (and JB took some pictures of me with the goats). I figured that there a lot of things I like to do (i.e., walking around a mall for the entire day) that JB doesn't really like to do, and that I am sure I can get a great swap out of this event.

And, I got to spend the day with JB, my best friend which was worth 8 hours of talking about goats!

Anyways, I know you are anxious (and it's not like you can't scroll past all my mumbo jumbo anyways). So without further ado, here are our photos from Goat U which we both successfully graduated from! This gives me a BA,GU and JB an almost MD,BS, GU! Cool!

The main workshop area in a 4H barn.

The goats used to teach the kids about showmanship.

I thought these two goats were so cute taking a break.

Here I am visiting with a goat. They are very friendly!

These Nigerian Drawf goats were only 2 days old!

Here's me getting to hold the 2 day old goats! So cute! (The goats I mean!)

Here was my graduation gift! A t-shirt. I actually quite like it.

Must now .... Complain

I have been told on a few occasions ... and this is painful for me to write ... (Gulp) ... that I am a drama queen.

It is for that reason that I have refrained from commenting about my headaches on too many occasions. If you think I have commented a lot, than you do not know how many times I have wanted to comment.

However, since this blog is about my life, and I write everyday, and the last 24 hours has involved a mombo migraine, I feel that I must blog about that even though I may have to hear from people like Ron Ray that I am a "drama queen."

I truly believe that even though my pain threshold was once whimpy -- to the point that my dad called me that all the time and I was so paranoid about being a whimp that when I had umbilical hernia surgery when I was 16 I woke up from anesthesia asking all the nurses if I "was a whimp?" The fear continued. Kristi once told me NOT to tell the coaches about my shin pain, and I listened to her say "Suck it up Wendicles!" every evening until the day I could no longer jump at all and was diagnosed with a stress fracture. (Kristi received a strong rebuke from our trainer and strength coach for this poor peer pressure.)

However, I believe that having a dry socket when I first moved to Mayo put all pain and discomfort into perspective for me. I have heard that Kristi's mom (whom I have been told is a loyal blog reader -- so correct me if I am wrong Mrs. Hartley, I mean, Dorris, sorry) would rather have a baby than have a dry socket.

Now I haven't had a baby, but I have had a dry socket, and the pain was not good. A dry socket is actually when, after getting your wisdom teeth out, the blood clot "unclots" and the bone is left exposed to the air. You know you have one when, after feeling very good about getting your wisdom teeth out, you suddenly turn very south.

I had to get my wisdom teeth out right after I moved to Rochester. No need to bring up the fact that my dentist in Kentucky told me to get dental insurance TO get them out and then told me, in fact, they were too deep to remove. Right after moving to the Polar North, tooth pain sent me to an oral surgeon who said that the three I had definitely needed to come out despite how deep they were.

Getting them out was no big deal. I seriously was completely okay once the anesthesia wore off. Two days later is when the dry socket took a hold of my life. The nurse at St. Charles High School ran into me crying in the teacher's lounge and told me to get to the surgeon's office immediately. She definitely diagnosed me correctly.

Okay, finally, I am getting to my point.

I say all this to say that physicians have something called a "pain scale." You may have experienced this. You go in to a doctor and they say, "On a scale of 1 to 10, rate your pain." If you can't speak, they may have you draw this on a board with faces representing your pain.

A dry socket, to me, is a 10. I had visions (prior to JB calling the doctor to prescribe more Vicodin and taking 2 of them which caused me to fall asleep for 12 hours) that I would ask John to somehow, make me unconscious. I didn't want him to kill me, just make me fall asleep until the pain passed. I remember considering a hammer to the head. (How bizarre is that?) There is no cure for a dry socket. All they can do is pack the hole with novocaine gauze every 12 hours until it heals and give you some Vicodin to counteract any additional pain.

Off track here. Vicodin is very serious stuff. I heard they sell on the street for $35 a pill. I can see why. When you NEED them, they make you very comfortable. But as my body began to heal more and more, the Vicodin created strange sensations. I remember JB giving me a bowl of soup one day while I sat on the couch, and I can vividly remember looking at that bowl of soup and wondering how could I hold the bowl and eat out of the bowl at the same time. (He decided to have me eat at the table instead.) Smart man!

Okay, sorry, so I said all that to say that this "pain scale" has become my new means of communicating with JB about my headaches. If a dry socket is a 10, I have not had a migraine encroach past an 8 since my IVF journey began two months ago.

Until last night.

I took a Tylenol with codeine at about 8:00 and went to bed about 9:30 as I had been having dull headaches all day. At 12:30 am I woke up with a full blown migraine. Because I was asleep, it took getting to a 9 on the "pain scale" before I was woken from a dead sleep due to the pain.

I woke JB up and we had a pain scale conversation. He believes I have been very conservative on my my numbers so when I told him I was at 9 he told me to take two Tylenol with codeine and 2 ibuprofin (and call him in the morning!) (Well, I think he wishes he could have said that last part.) I spent the next hour and a half waiting for this to kick in and debating with JB whether I needed to go to the ER where they could give me meds via IV.

Needless to say, the medicine finally kicked in enough that I was able to fall asleep. JB said he himself didn't get to sleep until 3:30. I felt really bad, but, misery does love company. JB did say that this qualified as an "emergency" and was not just me waking him up to have my company when I didn't feel good. (Which I have done on occasion.)

However, this experience left me with a NEW dilemma. At this increased rate of usage, I did not have enough pain medicine to make it through the weekend. I called the pharmacy, who faxed my doctor, who is a resident, and doesn't have a secretary, and who was NOT responding. By noon I was starting to panic. What if he didn't respond?! What would I do?

About this time my boss at Mayo came to my desk. I was on hold (again) with the pharmacy, begging them to help me figure out something. I got off the phone, and he asked if everything was okay. When I told him the story he reminded me that he was a physician and he could help!!! I immediately felt the prayers I had been mumbling all day being answered.

So at 3:00, when there was still no answer, my boss made a phone call, and PRESTO, I had meds which JB promptly picked up. Bless my boss! I told him the outlook for my weekend had just improved exponentially. I also told him that if he needed me to work on Sunday, I would gladly do so. I think he plans to take me up on that offer. However, if I don't have a headache, I can do ANYTHING!

It is now nearly 7:00, and I am feeling really good. JB and I just returned from a walk to the Indian market where we picked up some odds and ends to eat with our leftovers. I give my pain a 3 right now. (You see how this works now.) JB is making dinner, and we are going to watch Ben Hur. I have never seen this movie, and JB says every person must watch this movie once in their life. I've heard it is long so after our crappy night's sleep, we may just watch half. This is the second time we have tried to watch Ben Hur. The first time, we realized the first DVD was cracked so we had to send it back to the Netflix people. This time the DVD looks great.

Anyways, this drama queen is signing out reminding you that tonight, I start my Gonal shots!!! First blood draw on Wednesday. IVF here we come.