Monday, May 08, 2006

Trigger away

Good news for me: last night we took the "trigger" shot which will cause my eggs to start to release. Bad news for me: the needles only held 3 ml and I had to take 9 ml which meant -- you guessed it! Three intra-muscular shots. Poor JB felt so bad. Afterwards, we counted. These were my 32nd, 33rd, and 34th shot in a two week period. My new shots of progesterone will start on Tuesday evening. These will continue for 2 weeks and an additional 8 weeks if I am pregnant. These things are supposed to be the grand-daddy of all shots. I have a friend currently taking them and she is tough! So when she tells me they are terrible, I get a little worried. They are also intra-muscular. Intra-muscular kinda sucks. Since we had to do three shots (2 in 1 thigh, 1 shot in the other thigh), I am currently not able to bend either one of my legs very much. I am quite a site right now.

So anyways, 34 shots, 5 ultrasounds, and 4 blood draws later have finally brought us to tomorrow morning at 6:30 a.m. The retrieval is timed perfectly so that we go in right as my eggs are about to release.

There are actually four women who will be doing IVF this week at Mayo Clinic, and I met one of the other women in the waiting room yesterday morning as we were both in on Saturday and Sunday morning for blood work and ultrasounds.

The last time I had a conversation with a woman in the lobby of the infertility center, I was sorry I did immediately. She had five children, then got her tubes tied, then divorced her husband, then remarried. Her new husband wanted a child of his own, so, because her insurance covered IVF and not tubal reversal, they opted for IVF. She said to me (and I quote), "I don't know how I could possibly handle all this if I had no children. At least I have my five in case this doesn't work." I nodded and smiled, obviously crushed.

It's hard when you have a fear. It's even harder when someone says that fear out loud. It's almost as if your fear has a "voice" and is "real." When no one says it, you can convince yourself that it is irrational and all in your head. But when someone says it, you realize that your fear is real. I have a fear of being alone. I have a fear of JB getting called to duty overseas and being in a strange place with no children to spend my days with. I remember once having someone tell me not to worry about JB getting called to duty because I would have children by then. To hear them say that out loud nearly crushed me even though their intentions were very good. When the fear was in my head it was safe. And suddenly, to hear it, it was real. IVF is hard because for us, without a miracle, this is our last opportunity. I feel that it is harder because we don't have any children to go home to. To hear someone say that out loud is even harder than feeling it inside.

This woman yesterday was a little gentler but still oblivious to the fact that we didn't have two children to go home to. She spoke of her two boys and the fact that she only wanted one more and so they were going to give IVF a try. She didn't even seem too concerned if it didn't work.

Now don't get me wrong. I have quite a few great friends (you know who you are) who have struggled with secondary infertility (infertility after you already have a child or children) and I truly believe that this is JUST as painful as primary infertility. Actually I believe that women who get pregnant easily with child #1 and THEN struggle (when they never saw the struggle coming) are hurting just as much as I am. People are less prone to offer you sympathy because "well you have one." They also can't avoid places where babies are present because they have another child to take to the park and the mall and what-not. To the opposite extreme, I think women who have difficulty conceiving #1 will often handle secondary infertility easier because they were prepared for its arrival. For instance, if we were to have a child, we would be prepared for difficulty with #2.

So I know IVF is just as important to these women as it is to me -- well, maybe not the woman who already had five, but you know what I mean. It's just that, to hear them say that they don't know how they would handle this without their children at home to comfort them -- that goes to my core.

Sorry, I don't mean to be a downer. I have a LOT of thoughts floating through my head right now, and they are coming in fairly random. I didn't really sleep much last night at all. JB was so sweet. Everytime I would start tossing and turning, he would just rub my back and talk me through my anxious mind.

Despite my had running a mile a minute, yesterday was a nice day. I did some work at Mayo and then we went over to the Rays and cooked out. Our good friends Tara and Sean, who are both on research and therefore equipped with quite a bit of free time, joined us. It was a great day with beautiful weather. Jb went and saw Mission Impossible-3 with Ron and his kids while I rested at home. He said it was great.

Today, both Jb and I have off. I plan to go into Mayo for a bit just to tie up some loose ends. We also plan to go to the beautiful chapel at St. Mary's at some point just to sit together and pray for awhile. We, of course, believe you can pray anywhere. But we both agreed we could use some quiet and peaceful time to spend together and with the Lord. (I previously captured some pictures of this chapel when we went to hear Tara play her flute there. You can check out this post to see the
pictures of the chapel.)

Our 1% excitement and 99% scared feelings continue. Or is that 99% scared and 1% excited? Who the heck knows. I am weary but anxious for Tuesday, Friday, and the weeks that follow. Keep those prayers coming!!!

P.S. On Saturday, we went to see our good friends Calvin and Karen's baby Jadon. We were unable to go visit in the hospital due to appointments, and even though I wasn't feeling very well Saturday we wanted to see him before our hectic week took over. Here is a picture from the visit. JB is actually doing a mini-exam as Jadon has a bit of jaundice. Dad Calvin is a doctor, but he's a surgeon, and we all know (and Calvin admits) that surgeons forget the general health stuff a few years out of medical school. JB said that Jadon will just be fine. He's an adorable little guy! Too cute!

P.S.S. I am also including a picture from this hospital of Dave, Lesley, Karen, and Calvin (with new baby) as I just love the picture and it has four of our great friends in it, and I wanted to share it.

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