I've been really contemplating the existence of the universe over here on the hills of the Bauernhof.
Don't misinterpret. There is no part of me that will ever contemplate my faith.
Learn? Grow? Think?
Moreso now than ever before.
I never used to really give the details of my life and existence much thought. I think that was due to 4 main reasons:
- John did the thinking for me.
- I didn't have children.
- I wasn't old enough to care.
- I hadn't faced any really big losses.
I've lost people in my life. But they've mostly been people I expected to lose. I've had "second tier" losses, but I haven't loss that right-up-close-to-me-person-that-wasn't-supposed-to-die.
I still really, haven't. But I tell you what. My Uncle's death ... my cousin-in-law's death ... my grandmother going into a home for the end of her life. All of that sort of happening in one fell swoop. It will make you think.
I'm in my 40's! That seems impossible. Closer to 50 than 40? WHAT?! My children are aging. My boys will be in high school. Life is just flying by. They will soon have families of their own and not need me much at all.
How is it that my dear Scrubs has been gone nearly 7 years and our "replacement" dogs are nearing 7 themselves? How can time just fly by while we are standing there watching?
How do I embrace every minute and yet take breaks that I need? How do I make sure I have all the memories but not worry about capturing every moment? How do I enjoy where I am at when I know there will be a new obstacle waiting right around the corner for me that I need to prepare for?
In the next ten years, I will most likely say good bye to some amazing people in my life who have simply reached the end of their lifespan. That feels HARD. I don't WANT to do this. Every one tells you that you will have to, but it truly seems so far away.
Until it's right up in front of you, hitting you smack in the face.
My Dad and his five siblings have always been incredibly close. They are "the Huismans." How can one of them die? How can it be that my Grama has been gone for over a decade? The matriarch of this clan? A decade? It truly feels like yesterday. What happens in one more generation? Is she never remembered? How do I make sure things are remembered? How do I not put value on my things even though I want to have the memories around me.
Mannnn, I am sorry. This is sort of a downer.
And yet it isn't.
WHAT in the WORLD do people do WITHOUT Jesus!? How do they live without him? How do they see purpose? How do they NOT simply want to quit?
This life is but a vapor. I am aging. My body is no longer able to shoot the lay-ups that paid for it to go to college. My kids have no idea that I used to be able to hit a volleyball pretty hard. They haven't seen me go out on my first date with their dad. I'm just an "old Mom" to them.
But I'm a Mom who is determined to raise these human souls for Jesus. Truly that is my whole focus. Every single day. Every thing we do. I want them to love Jesus. It truly all circles around this. If what we are doing isn't for the glory and edification of their lives and God's kingdom: what is the point?
Of course, not every single thing we do can be about Jesus. But it can be done with Jesus in mind. With our souls in mind. Every tree we plant is to make this land healthier for the generation. It is to plant shade trees for the next generation to sit under.
Jesus may come back. But if he doesn't come back any time soon, there will be some beautiful trees on our farm to sit under.
To nurture their souls. And their bodies.
Man, I need to not be so deep. I need to go back into my "willy welaxed wendi" body.
Where is that?
I suppose she grew up.
Man, I am FEELING this post today. Thanks for writing it.
Felt every single word of this. Thank you ❤️
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