I can't put into words ...

I cannot put into words what COVID is like for us. I woke up in the middle of the night, my husband in the hospital working (again), and just started sobbing. The pain and the loss and the hardship and the stress is simply ... suffocating.

I keep thinking: This is just Wendi. She is just dramatic. She's prone to anxiety and depression.

But then I got a text message from John's co-director's wife. And her words mirrored mine ... perfectly. She feels exactly like I do. The fear. The frustration.

I actually reached out to an old counseling friend and have started some online sessions with her. She explained to me that when you have "skin in the game" the actions of others become 

SO

VERY

PERSONAL.

They aren't personal of course. But to me, they feel that way. And the ramifications of what is happening is resonating through our house in ripples.

Don't they see it?

Don't they feel it?

Kim (my counselor's name) reminded me that that skin is what makes it real. She used the same example my friends "Stebbs" told me about what's happening in Afghanistan right now. Afghanistan is real to me because so many of my friends fought there. Erin's husband, Craig, fought there. To watch everything you fought for "go down the tubes" is incredibly painful. There is a lot of frustration and blame with how things were handled. To many people, they are touched by the Afghanistan videos/pictures, but they don't understand what that feels like. To have your spouse fight for a year of their life for a cause that seems like it didn't matter ... that's hard.

And that's what I feel like. I know people appreciate him and are thankful. We get tons of texts of encouragement and support. But we are SO SO wounded and winded and wondering ...

... can we truly keep doing this wave after wave after wave?

If the vaccinations would get up into the higher numbers, this wouldn't be happening. Kim reminded me that everyone has their "truth" and they believe that truth vehemently. I get that. 

But when your husband SEES the tornado and feels people don't believe that it can be that bad for THEM until it IS that bad, it's so, so hard.

So hard.