Thursday, July 15, 2010

Today ...

... I said my first good bye to my family.

It was to Joni.

Okay, so technically she is not blood. But we aren't about blood in this family if you didn't already know that.

While we are here longer, Joni is leaving town, and today was the last day we could spend together.

We said good bye. And it stunk.

While we said good bye to a lot of people at Eglin a few weeks ago, the "see you laters" are now beginning with people in my family cirlce.

I'm not sure I am ready for them.

I tried to make it a "see you later" and not a "good bye" but deep down inside I couldn't force myself to do it.

While I am incredibly comforted by the fact that Joan and my mother will be coming to visit us in Turkey in the fall, I couldn't help but realize, while we pulled away after a fun day at the pool with Gabbi and Nate and Grace, that we would soon be not only saying good bye to two people we will see soon (my mom and Joan) but many people we may not see for a very long time.

I am not sure that the boys will see their grandparents or Papa or their aunts and uncles and cousins for nearly a year. I am not sure that I will see them.

As JB pulled out of Joni's driveway, and I cried ... hard, I mumbled playfully to Joan that while I wouldn't see everyone else for awhile, "We'll be together with our little family of four ... which is why we are going to Turkey in the first place." I paused and then said, "I think that is worth it."

JB nudged me.

I laughed. One of those laughs that you laugh while you are crying which makes you sort of snort a bit.

Of course he is worth it.

But that doesn't mean I am not going to do some major missing of people I love. It was a nine hour drive from South Florida to Eglin. Not it's a plane flight that is a little bit longer and quite a bit more expensive.

Why then does it feel like we are going to the other side of the world?


Anonymous said...

You are grieving the loss sooo beautifully...
I was thinking as I read it that i live with joy and love my life, but the good tears i get reading your goodybes are not only caring with and for you, but finishing some of my own tears of loss over the years. The gains truly, truly were worth it --you cannot even imagine now. But it does not lessen how God made us to love and hold those we love close if we can...I'm glad you're learning how to say "goodbye" for now, not just "see you later" --it will hold you in good stead! Tho "so long or see you later" is it's own coping mechanism for some! We're all made so different! And God is tenderly carrying you, His lamb, close to His heart in this! tante jan

Wendi Kitsteiner said...

Tante Jan, thank you for the comment. I love it. It's perfect. My heart is very sad right now. Thank you for understanding and loving us.