Where I am

I want to try to describe how I am feeling right now so that sometime, in the future, someone can re-read these posts and recognize themselves in me. But it is so hard to write right now. And even harder to write about how I am feeling.

But let me try.

One of the most difficult things for me right now is social situations. I am usually okay in my immediate social circle, but even then, it feels like it is taking everything out of me to have a conversation. For those of you who know me in real life, you know that talking is not usually an issue for me. I talk quite well and quite a lot.

Get me outside of my immediate circle, and I nearly freeze, and this makes leaving my house difficult on a Base this small. We made the decision not to attend the big base "Gala" this coming weekend because it would require me to talk to so many people that I don't know very well. If I lived somewhere more anonymous, I could go out and run ten errands and not have to give more than a polite nod or smile to anyone. But here, on this Base, everywhere you go you see people you know. All the time. You know the people who work at the grocery store. And you know the people who are shopping with you. Small talk is nearly inevitable. And small talk is so hard for me right now.

I am not completely avoiding social situations. I need to get my boys out to play and so I will go and do things. But they are difficult, and I usually return exhausted. My dearest friends here all know how I am feeling. They are an amazing support. They are nudging me to get out but understanding when I cannot. They are forgiving and understanding and compassionate and patient. They are vital to me getting better.

I go through periods where I am crying a lot for no reason at all. Sometimes I will go a whole day without crying and sometimes I cry most of the day. It just depends. Fatigue seems to make the feelings of crying worse.

I feel anxious but not for any reason I can put my finger on. I feel easily frustrated. I feel like I am moving in slow motion. I don't feel that laughter comes easily, even when something seems worthy of laughter.

We have chosen to combat this on a variety of fronts. Prayer and scripture is a big one although I could definitely be doing a better job on that front. I have started counseling with a wonderful gal on Base. I have also started medication. We decided that since breast feeding was already not going well, we wouldn't take the risks associated with medication while breast feeding, and I have stopped breastfeeding. This was difficult for me emotionally, but together John and I decided that this was the best way for us to do things. I wanted to breastfeed longer, but I am happy that I was able to do so for two months. I felt like I was doing Abigail a disservice to stop breastfeeding, but her not having the best of me is also a disservice to her. JB and the boys also suffer from not having me at my best.

I do not think the boys are acutely aware that I am struggling. I do not cry in front of them and continue to go through the mom-motions: reading books, caring for them, playing with them, hugging them, etc. But the actions feel forced and not genuine. I describe it as being a robot. I am doing all the things I normally do, but my heart is not in it, fully. And I want to feel my heart in these things. I want to do them and enjoy doing them. 

Abigail has been smiling at me and it is warming my heart. But not as much as I know it should because I am so sad. I am hopeful that through counseling, medication, and prayer, I will be myself in no time. It can take a few weeks to start feeling better, and I am trusting that this will happen soon.

I do not anyone to misunderstand my sadness for being ungrateful. I love my children beyond words. They (and JB) are why I know I need to get better as soon as possible. I am so unbelievably thankful to be their mom. I am so unbelievably blessed that they were given to me. I do not feel any negative feelings toward them. I just feel fatigue and sadness and that effects my ability TO care for them. I hope that makes sense.

I am not keeping this a secret although it is not information I am offering readily. Like I said, only a few people on Base read my blog and those individuals are ones that I trust with this information. I share it in person if I feel it is important. But to those of you who follow me online, I feel the Lord nudging me to share the details of how I am feeling. I want future moms struggling with post-partum depression or just people struggling with depression in general, not to feel alone or different.