A special mom

I received an email from a very special woman in my life. She is a wonderful mom. I have known her for a very long time. And in that email she admitted, for one of the first times ever, that she struggled with PPD after the birth of one of her children. I never knew this. In fact, no one did. How wonderful to hear that even the "great" moms have dealt with this. It was also SO encouraging to hear her write down exactly how I was feeling without me even telling her.


"No one knew, except my husband, unless people guessed. I think anyone who noticed something wrong just thought I was tired. And I was but there was a lot more to it.  The 'me' inside was vacant ... I lived in a fog. I would drop the older kids off at school and come home and stay home."


I loved how she phrased that. That the 'me' inside was vacant. That describes how I was feeling nearly perfectly. I say feeling because that real vacant feeling has passed. I am still recovering but the very deep and vacant place is no longer there -- of which I am so thankful.
 
"I did what I had to do to take care of the family but spent a lot of time crying, sad and just sitting and staring at nothing. The kids are what kept me going. I loved them to death and wanted them to be okay. If I needed to be away from everyone because I didn't want them to see me cry or I was going to 'lose it', I would take the baby in my room with the excuse of having to nurse her and just stay in there!"


This paragraph was also very similar to how I was feeling. In the midst of, my children were what kept me going. I craved them and loved them so incredibly much during this time that not taking care of them was beyond me. It was only when I realized that the way I was feeling was becoming so heavy, that it was starting to effect my ability to care for them, that I knew I had to get help.
  
"I look back now and think if I had opened up my mouth and told even one person that maybe things would have gotten better a lot faster-but I just couldn't do it, it was too personal."


So many people go through things like this alone! I don't want to ever see that happen again. 
 
"Went to Church, read my devotionals, knew all the verses but it didn't change things. I would fake a smile, say the appropriate things when I had to but most of the time it was like I was living an 'out of body' experience."


Again, the out-of-body is a great way to describe what was happening for me too.
 
"I remember one night, sneaking out and going next door-and sitting on the floor of the neighbors front porch and hiding. Not sure why, just needed to get out and didn't want to explain or talk. But after a while, a long while, I would get up in the morning and start doing things and all of a sudden realize I was smiling at something that I didn't have to make myself smile at. Then, there would be a day when I would go through a few hours of doing things and realize that I didn't feel so stinkin' tired. Or that I would actually do something outside of the necessities -without making myself do it...Then all of a sudden, it would hit me that I'd gone thru a whole day -a normal day. Then a few days at a time...The fog had lifted." 

This describes my healing perfectly. It is all of a sudden smiling. And all of a sudden doing something without having to think through every step of it. 
 
"Now, here you are, doing it all right and you have no idea how many young mother's out there you are helping! I'm not talking about the ones who are writing to tell you, I'm talking about the ones who, like me, just can't bring themselves to talking about their feelings. Whatever their reason, they are embarrassed, ashamed ... I wasn't about to admit I was crying all the time and couldn't remember if I fed the dog! Maybe some feel it's a social stigma, or will reflect poorly on their trust in God, heaven knows. Even pastor's wives suffer from depression too! And not just after having a baby-there a tons of reasons people go through this. Whatever the reason, whatever the path someone takes to get through it, I know the Lord is there carrying us and one day, the heaviness will disappear-may be gradual, may be sudden, but like a fog, it will lift."  

Thank you to this very special mom for sharing something so personal. I hope it ministers to other women as much as it ministers to me. I love you!