I'm behind.
I'm behind in emails. I'm behind in my devotions. I'm behind in keeping the house picked up. I'm behind in communication.
I'm behind. Just plain behind.
I am asking for a little bit of grace. Usually, I can return emails quickly. This is important when most of your communication is done this way. But recently I've been getting emails from people wondering if I received an email. I'm sorry! I'm behind! I just feel like I can't keep up. Not just with emails but with EVERYTHING!
I've been having trouble at the house. I love my boys but now that they are both, basically, two, they are, quite literally, human tornadoes. Since Scrubs has been caught chewing up a few little toys when we are not at the house, I've been wanting to be extra careful in what we leave out when we leave the house. But this means trying to clean up while trying to get them out the door. THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE! I go in a room and start cleaning. They are moving behind me, dust flying, the mess moving on! I do not know what to do.
Another issue is that the counters are now at their eye level. They are pulling things off left and right. JB caught Isaac with a screw driver, trying to play swords with an unarmed Elijah.
Not good.
John says it is just hormones. Maybe he is right. But it doesn't feel that way. It feels like I am spinning out of control. I think about going to Germany for two months to have this baby. I think of all that will be involved in that. How can I do all this? I'm not sure I'm capable. Am I able to do all this? Live thousands of miles away from home. Have three kids under three. Be a wife. Be a mom. Be a daughter, a friend, a neighbor, a child of God.
Aaaahhhhhhh!
Sorry, I just want to unload and let those who love me know that if they don't hear from me, please don't take it personally. Our Magicjack is still broken. We have no idea why. This has made me sad. We've been here six months and I feel like I've run up against a wall I don't know how to climb over. The wall is emotional. Physical. Spiritual.
I have support here. Two girlfriends came over yesterday with a bag of chocolate and devotions and cards to encourage me. They had run into me at Bible Study and when they asked how my morning had gone and I nearly started sobbing on the spot, realized I could use a pick-me-up. (This was the morning that I resorted to a video to try to placate the boys only to not be able to get the DVD player to work and then not to be able to find the cord to the portable DVD player and be left with two sobbing boys, upset because I promised them if that if they helped me clean up they'd get Mickey.)
Oh and this Turkish American Women's Club I am a part of NEEDS two hard copy photos of me. I have NO IDEA ON EARTH where to get two hard copies of a photo from. Everything is electronic. I don't know where to get a headshot and a print-out. And, even if I did know, I still can't get anyone to tell me WHY they need these items?
Anyways, thanks for listening.
Be patient with me as I work to catch up!
12 comments:
Reading your blog was very comforting to me this morning -made me feel normal!! I HATE when i get that overwhelmed feeling -and know I "should" just rest and trust...but I'm truly overwhelmed.I was just reading Ps 34 as I was feeling very, very overwhelmed w/ upcoming trip to India, closing things down here, flu for me and oom Ed, broke computer screen...Anyway what I wrote in my journalfrom Ps 34 is that"It seems lif jus brings us continuously to a place of weakness; we want to be so storng...on our own...But God is not proud of us/me for being strong without Him, but for leaning on Him, He does not mind if our "boast is in...but the Lord has helped me."...I will boast only in the Lord -let all who are HELPLESS take heart...so i will come out of this not having had it all together -but returning from India saying, My sould shall make its boast in Thee Lord! (and the humble -other helpless souls like me! --shall hear and be glad!" Another Psalm I love is Psa 18 because in it in answer to our crieds to Him, God himself comes swooping down on an angel --and fights for us --by the end of the Psalm before he knows it the Psalmist himself has been strengthened by God and is doing the fighting...I love that when God comes down to help and reaches His hand down to pull me from deep waters, as it says in Ps 18 --dark storm, rain clouds are under his feet --sometimes all we can see are the storm clouds and rain and it feels like -where is my helper! But He is right above, riding on the storm, swooping down to rescue you...hang in there dear wendi -Panic really can come when we are overhwelmed....He is right there with you supporting you by His right hand just as you do with your children...I will pray for you and can so feel your feelings with you! hugs and love Tante Jan
oh yuck -i should have edited the above -sorry -i was writing so quickly!
First, know that an important means of grace that God is giving you in this situation is your friends. It's us. Through a virutal world you can receive encouragement. How kind of our God! Each time you are feeling this way, it is important to tell someone. And I am most happy to listen! I have days like that as well. Days where I sit in a heap on the floor and tell God that I don't think I can do this! Surely my children will grow up not knowing how to read or thinking I'm a big meanie because I yell at them.
Wendi, the Lord has grace for you. It won't necessarily look like it all getting easier, but it will look like Him giving you the strength to get through! I know this without a doubt!
Now, for something practical, it sounds like perhaps Scrubbs needs to go back to the kennel while you are out? Or at least trapped in one room where the damage would be isolated. I know how much you love him and I love my Tyson in the same way, so I know you probably don't want to kennel him agian, but it might be for the best. See what John thinks. I am all for eliminating hardships.
And remember, don't try and evaluate your whole life during a difficult time! Just get through the moments and then evaluate later!
Love you Wendi! I say prayers for you often.
Yesterday I was amazed to read your list of goals for the year. It seems like way too much to expect. A marathon? And a book written? Give yourself a break. When I was a stay-at-home mom of three pre-schoolers, I had minimal goals for each day---make my bed, wash the dishes, and put on make up. Everything accomplished beyond that was gravy.
Joy, I loved this suggestion. I spoke about it with JB. He said firstly, I need not be concerned with everything out. Scrubs only has an issue with very small fluffy things. Secondly, I can totally put him in the laundry room if I just can't clean up. And I plan to use this more to cut myself some slack. Thank you for this advice.
Anonymous -- I agree. I think this post follows a post where I probably am trying to do too much. But, for clarification, no marathon for me. I want to do a sprint triathlon within 1 year AFTER baby gets here (that's a 1.5 hour adventure vs. 5-6 for a marathon!) but I agree, the kids are little, this is my season. Be faithful in the little but don't get too big. Agreed!
Tante Jan -- thank you for the scriptures. And your lack of editing is what makes you YOU -- just reading what you are thinking not what you edited out!
Hahaha....
I only laugh because I'm fond of telling people that between the time we did the last IVF and the positive test, our children turned heinous. And they DID. And they STAYED that way.
I don't think it's hormones....I think it's the age. From, say, 2.5-at least 4 it seems like kids are really at their worst. And you know? People survive. And eventually, kids to go school. It's a short blip of time in the scheme of things.
You'll be okay. Really.
Just remember that this is only a season and you will get through it. I read a poem once, and grabbed the last line as my motto for this time in my life: "The cleaning and scrubbing can help til tomorrow. But children grow up as I've learned to my sorrow. So quiet down cobwebs, dust go to sleep. I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep."
Everytime I get so consumed with the fact that I didn't get the laundry done and my kitchen is a mess, I just remind myself that my kids will only be little once and all of the rest of it will get done, but they are more important right now.
I also have bought myself a devotion that I can read a little excerpt out of for a spiritual pickup during the day. I keep it in the bathroom and read it there because as a mom you know that your 2 minutes to pee is sometimes your only minutes alone all day!
I HEAR YOU! I am feeling soooo overwhelmed... actually, more stressed than I think I have ever felt in my life. And I have zero kids, 0 dogs, and am living in the states. It will get better!
I wish i could print up a copy of what you wrote Wen and a copy of the responses because it's for a book in itself...i love how a mom can write like you did so beautifully and your friend with no kids or dog and your aunt who is turning 54 this month and has an empty nest all can feel so overwhelmed. I loved how it reminded me that my friends don't mind once in awhile hearing me say "help" I'm sinking! at least for this moment and i don't want to just sink here alone! I think if I had this in my files I'd name my file -"For when I feel guilty cuz I'm overwhelmed!
Wendi,
So sorry you're feeling so "out of control!" I can definitely relate. There are often times when I feel like I am failing at all my tasks: Child of God, wife, Mother, ministry leader, etc. Take advantage of your support network, and learn to let some things go. I've had to tell myself that the house only gets picked up at designated times, otherwise, I would be doing it all day long. Also, I've learned to live with more grime. :)
Please let me know if there is anyway I can help you when you arrive in Germany. I would be happy to drive up for a weekend to help you with the boys. Heck, we're going to Ramstein tonight just for kicks, it's really not that far. Please, as it gets closer, let me help you!
Love,
Jenny
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