I loved all the comments I received from my post the other day about owing an explanation for why our boys are so close in age and in telling the story of our boys' births. I started to try and reply in the comments but felt like I had so much to say. So ... a separate post was in order.
First of all, to Tammy, who tells people "We were blessed with an adoption and a pregnancy" and then says that she can't remember which one is adopted when the inevitable follow-up question ensues ... I LOVE THIS! I actually read that Marie Osmond does the same thing regarding her children. Honestly, I really think we are going to start doing this. What a great response! It makes my heart excited just to think about having the opportunity to say this to someone.
To Jess ... thank you for reminding me that Isaac's birth story is just as important and just as cool as Elijah's. It is so true that I want him to be proud that he is adopted. I want him to be proud that he has a birth mom who loved him enough to pick another family for him and an adopted mom that loved him enough to bring him into her's. I think my concern is more when Isaac gets old enough to understand that I don't embarrass him or make him feel singled out. I think you and your husband are both right. There is a time to hedge and a time not to hedge. I think we are smart enough to know when is when.
To Leslie ... people certainly can be manipulative can't they? Instead of just asking if you did infertility treatments, which is what they want to know anyways, they work their way around, asking you if twins run in the family. I think your comment made me realize that people are curious by nature. We want to know. And truly, I don't mind people asking. I am so proud of both my boys and so proud at the two different ways they came to be my boys. I just need to figure out the right way to talk about it. And that brings me back to Tammy's comment. Did I mention that I love that?!
As to the anonymous twin who was in the same class as her brother, thank you for providing me with both the positives and negatives on this. It is true that technically the boys would be in different grades. However, both JB and myself have always been firm believers in not putting kids in school too early. We are big James Dobson (Focus on the Family) faithfuls, and in his book Bringing Up Boys, he specifically tells parents of boys born in the May/June/July months to consider holding them back another year so that they are not the youngest in their class. When Isaac was born in May, we decided to do that, and then we learned of Elijah's impending arrival. Now what to do? I know this is awhile away and we are in no hurry to figure this out. Isaac may be the type of kid who is soooo ready for school that we wouldn't dream of keeping him back a year. We'll let God lead. But for now, it is something we think about.
June ... I plan to address your question about doing IVF again in a post all to itself. It's a great question and I need some time to formulate my response.
To my anonymous friend who wrote, "Who would have ever thought you would be in such a dilemma?" ... isn't that the truth! I totally agree that it is an opportunity for witnessing and giving God the glory. I do use the line, "God has a great sense of humor doesn't he?" But I like your line better. "It was a huge miracle from the Lord!" In the same way, I am so glad we named our boys what we did. When people ask their names and I say Isaac (meaning laughter and the long awaited son of Abraham Sarah) and Elijah (which means our Lord is God), I am able to share why we named them what we did and what their names mean. It's another powerful opportunity to share our faith in the Lord.
Judy ... right on! I totally agree. People just ask things about things all the time. I'm with you on that. And truth be told, I am one of those people. I've asked nosey questions before. I'm sure I have. I can't think of a time I did right now, but I'm human so I am sure I have!
Bethany, I love your comment regarding embryo adoption with Peter and Mitchell. What a fantastic story! I, for one, am not educated or detailed enough to look at eye color and determine, by pulling out my high school biology dominant and recessive trait mapping system, that Peter and Mitchell cannot be biologically your children! Geeesh! But obviously some people are. I'm so blessed you allowed me to share you story with the Rochester Women audience. To this day, that remains one of my most favortist writing pieces.
Thank you everyone for your repsonses. You all gave me so much insight into so many different aspects of this journey and so many things to think about! Blessings to all of you!
6 comments:
Thanks Wendi, it is all part of the adventure of being a parent, hang on and enjoy the ride...
I've heard about others using the "blessed with both adoption and pregnancy" and not remembering which child is which. I LOVE that because it gives the true story, shows the children that to you they are exactly the same, shows the person you are telling that you love both children equally, all the while kind of politely hinting that it's rather rude to want to know which kid is which, as if it matters.
Yep - use it.
:) Carrie
If I were you, I might say "One is adopted, the other is biological>" Then, when they ask which is which, have them guess. Whichever boy they pick, say, "You're right!" Then you've been polite, but the joke is on them!
I think you are wise to consider what impact the question might have on the boys, however, it may be a non-issue. My eldest cousin (the long await first grandchild on my mother's side) is adopted. You can pretty much tell because her coloring is different from the rest of the family. However, for her whole life she knew she was adopted and it was kind of a non-issue.
When she was little, her parents just explained to her that they chose her- and just like their dog, Sarge- she was adopted into the family.
So as soon as she could talk, she would go around telling people, "Me 'dopted like Sarge!" She was excited to explain it to people and there was never a feeling of it being wrong/different/less than her siblings who came along (biologically) after her.
So maybe when Isaac is old enough, he will explain to people himself, "Me 'dopted like Scrubs!"
I love the responses you got to your post on "owing an explanation." I especially loved what anonymous said, "It was a huge miracle from the Lord." That is my favorite response because I have always thought of your story as exactly that - a huge miracle. I think it is an opportunity to give God all the glory every time you are asked. I think this can be done even without giving all the details. Your testimony is such an encouragement to us all that God's plan for us is SO much better than anything we could plan for ourselves. Truly He is able to do more than we could ever ask or imagine.
Ooooh, I'm interested in a post about the school issues.
We are VERY MUCH hoping to have our kids in different grades. While I'm cool with being super!open! about things, I think that it's too hard to have kids asking CONSTANTLY how it is they're the same age, and siblings, but....not the....same age....
Plus nosy kids are hard to get to back off sometimes!
LUCKILY I think that it falls right to get Ava to go so that she is one of the youngest, and Ethan go so he is one of the oldest. Luckier still is that that works out to girl/boy advantages.
That said, I am already wondering what we're going to do because Ethan really MAY need preschool if he continues having sensory issues. So we shall see.
TOO FAST, that stuff is COMING UP TOO FAST!!!!
My brother and I are 22 months apart. We always got the twins question even into college. He and I were always in the same grade: I started early, he started a little late. I think for some people being in the same grade can cause problems between siblings. For my brother and I, we rarely had problems. His strengths were my weaknesses and vice versa. Competition was not too much of an issue and we were always taught to help the other succeed instead of trying to beat them. There may have been sometimes that we wished we weren't in the same grade, but I think it helped us to grow closer to each other, to learn to be humble about our successes, and looking back I think it was the best thing for us in developing who we are today.
My two boys are 18 months apart. Even though the younger is much smaller and skinnier, I still get asked questions about if they are twins or try to think of something to say about them being 18 months apart. (People these days will give you weird looks for that age gap too!) My oldest will most likely start Kindergarten early since his birth month falls 2 months short of the cut-off but he is so ready for it. My younger child, I don't know. He may start late or right on time, who knows. Anyway, I would say at this age it's much too soon to worry about school and same grades. Wait until it's time to worry or decide.
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