Some days are harder than others

I apologize for this post. I don't think it will be the most upbeat ending to your day (or beginning if you are reading this on Tuesday morning).

A day like today is a day that I wonder whether infertility treatments are what I should be doing.

I can't put my finger on it. I can't tell you the exact reason why today was a hard day. Often times it is a combination of things. Either way, no matter how hard I try, when I start taking all of these hormones and keeping track of medications and checking the calendar to see what I do next, everything starts to unravel. September 7th is now, less than a month away, and its as if my mind instantly becomes aware of it and decides to go crazy.

I find myself changing the channel when certain shows come on. Songs about children and pregnancies are instantly turned off. Days like today are days that running by a park or walking through the mall is too much to bear and I either leave crying or avoid going altogether. A pregnancy announcement hurts my feelings. (How crazy is that?!)

Why can't I go through this journey and start treatments without getting so emotional? Is it the hormones or is it just the excitement and fear of trying again? I don't sleep well. My appetite is screwy. I get easily frustrated. Days are more difficult. I am conscientiously aware now that I have been married eight years and still do not have children. Three weeks ago, this wasn't something I thought about fifty times a day.

I find myself measuring myself up to other women. Is she healthy enough to get pregnant? Is she old enough to get pregnant? Is she mature enough to get pregnant?

Who am I? Am I God? What right do I have to make these assumptions? There I go back to my "just-world" mentality -- that somehow, I don't deserve this journey and someone else does. These thoughts cause me to get angry at myself. More hormonal emotions.

I will be okay. I know that. No matter how this thing turns out, I will be okay. I do wish that if we weren't going to have biological children, I could have total peace with that. Sometimes I have that peace, but some days, like today, I can't find that peace.

Days like today, I remember what JB wrote on the blog after our last failed attempt. He wrote: "...One must weigh the chance of this eventually working against the emotional cost of going through the process. That is actually the hardest part -- we have every reason to believe that this will work eventually. But deciding to keep pursuing it after the emotional toll is the real battle."

When we are not in a treatment cycle I think to myself, I can do this. I can do this a hundred times. I can do this until I am forty. But when I am in a treatment cycle I think, I can't do this. I can't do this again. This is the last time. This is too emotional. Negative results hurt too much. Counting days is too much of a reminder.

For now I just continue to take my medications and continue to take one small step and one short day at a time. I can't see the big picture and so I can only trust that I am heading in the right direction and strong enough to handle whatever this journey brings us.

I would appreciate your prayers, love, and encouragement during the next four weeks. On days like today, I really need it.