Processing

I am just now beginning to process everything that has gone on in my life in the last few weeks. I now know that IVF #5 is complete. I also know that we have no embryos remaining. This means that I will never, ever again participate in an infertility protocol to try to have children.

My blog has been a bit on the "slighter" slide in recent weeks. The reason has been two-fold. The first is that we've been busy. Visiting America for three weeks takes a lot out of you. JB's entire family was in Fort Lauderdale. That in and of itself is a whole lot of people. (He has three brothers and two sisters.) I had hoped to see some other friends while we were home, but with time the way it was, I barely got enough time with the family.

The second reason is that I have been dealing quite prominently with some depression and anxiety. It was as if, upon taking the first shot of lupron back around Thanksgiving, that I began sliding into a deep hole. I knew it was the medication? But knowing why you are sliding doesn't always make the slide easier.

I have learned a lot about infertility treatments. Doing this cycle with three children, meant doing this cycle without grieving my childlessness. This meant I had a very different perspective. I realized that the deep sadness and grief that surrounded each try with IVF we previously experienced was more than infertility. It was drugs. These drugs are no joke. I stopped taking lupron the day after we arrived in Minnesota and I have steadily felt myself return to normal. I am not there yet, but I am getting there.

Many people have asked me how I feel knowing that our last cycle of IVF, of which we should get the results in about a week, is complete. The biggest word I feel is relief. I wanted to give each and every embryo we let the doctors create, a chance at life. We have now done that.

So what am I praying? I am simply praying Thy Will Be Done. That is all I know what to pray. I do not know the future of my family. God has obviously written a story vastly different than any story I can write. I must allow him to write it.

I can honestly say that I am at peace with whatever the result may be. I did not feel this way with the previous transfers, obviously. This time, I truly feel blessed beyond belief with the three children He has given me. If He gives me 1 or 2 more, fantastic. If he does not, that is okay too. I am peace.

There are so many "what if's" that I have had to force myself not to ask those. I cannot even go into the future, especially considering my emotional state, so I am not going to try to. I am going to try to live in the shadow of his wings, right now, at present.

Also I wanted to make sure to leave you all with some previous posts that you may want to peruse. No one can understand the deep and dark place that depression is. No one can explain what it feels like to be plagued by anxiety. The only people who can come close are those who have lived it. I have written posts in the past about these very topics. If you are struggling with either of these things (or are loving some one who is), I pray these posts provide you with some direction and guidance.

Anxiety: What I learned in Counseling

Post Part Depression: My Journey

To those who are grieving

Friday Funnies

Sidge wanted more ice cream after his first serving (which he gets because he ate a good dinner.) When he asked if he could have more, Isaac told him, "You're going to have to eat another whole meal."
*****
Hanging out with Uncle Matt, Sidge was threatened with a wedgie to which he replied, "What is a wedgie?" He also asked Joni what it meant to "work your tail off."
*****
The kids are learning all kinds of things from their aunts and uncles and grandparents, and we keep having to say, "Who taught you that?" When Grama K. was coughing today, Sidge said, "Do you need the Heimlich?" (Apparently Aunt Katie taught him that.)

A few motherly moments

Some truths

People ask how it feels to be in America after three years living overseas. There are many things that "jump out" at me. Here are just some interesting things I've noted:

• I am anonymous. I don't run into people I know. I don't recognize any faces.
• Super Target is beyond big. The toy aisles are never-ending. How would a parent decide?
• Stores open early! Oh is this a fantastic treat. I could actually go run errands at 8am instead of waiting until 10am which I have had to do both in Turkey and in the Azores.
• An American washing machine is big! I can fit everything in it that's dirty at one time.
• You cannot know what is going to be for dinner and get something at the last minute. It's very strange to live in a place with so many fast food choices.
• There are stoplights. Everywhere. (The island only has three in total I think!)
• There is traffic. While driving is like riding a bike, remembering how to drive in traffic takes a bit of time to recall. (Ask my sister-in-law Adrienne who I relinquished the wheel too when the traffic became too heavy and my driving made her too nervous.)

Exciting BOI Update

Steve & Teri Fitzgerald and their newly adopted son Alaowei

 

We are so excited to announce that our second Because of Isaac couple, Steve & Teri Fitzgerald have officially adopted Alaowei! They have raised $7,000 which was enough for the lawyer to complete adoption number one. Steve and Teri still need about $3,000 more to finalize the adoption of their other son Abule. If you are able to donate money to help their second adoption become a reality, please visit our website to find out how to donate today!

 

Merry Christmas from South Florida!

The last time JB and I came home to South Florida for Christmas was 2007. It was about six months before we became parents to Isaac -- parents for the very first time.

 

First up? Christmas Eve with my "small" family. (It's just me and my brother.) We spent Christmas Eve together. JB cooked an amazing Asian meal despite being plagued pretty badly by food poisoning. (He thinks he ate some bad sushi.) Joan drove down to take some family pictures:

 

That's my Dad and Mom in red and then my brother Keith and his wife and two daughters.

 

John's family is a different story. He is the second oldest of six children. All of them are married (except for the youngest Rob who has a girlfriend.) Altogether there are eighteen of us (nineteen if you count Rob's girlfriend.) John's mom's sister joined us which put us at just one under twenty! Quite a crew. (Especially considering we buy a gift for EVERYONE!)

 

Here is a video of the entire Kitsteiner family (too hard to capture them in a photo.) We spent the entire Christmas Day with them and a wonderful (albeit crazy) time!

"Home" (in South Florida)

Home is where our kids are. Where we are a family together. And we are all now in South Florida. My parents picked us up from the airport. We didn't know if the kids would be with them, but they were! What a sweet surprise it was to hug all those little faces this afternoon. My Dad took a video of the kids catching sight of us!

P.S. Temperature in Minnesota: 12 degrees

P.S.S. Temperature in South Florida: 72 degrees

My heart . . .

. . . misses this face so much:

 

 

I miss the boys of course. But they understand that we are gone. When we try to talk to them on the phone, they are too busy. They spent the first three days with Grampa and Grama K. Then they spent three days with Joni and Roy. Now they are back at my parents, preparing for our return! When we called them throughout the trip, we were lucky to get a "love you" or "bye!"; they were usually too busy with whatever they were playing with to talk to us.

 

But Abigail doesn't understand that we are gone. She definitely bonded with each of her grandparents while we were gone (apparently my dad might be her favorite). She stayed with my parents and Joni and Grama K. came to the house to help with her. We knew it would be doubly hard to be away from her brothers, but we didn't want to overdo anyone with all three kiddos at the same time. But I don't even want to talk to her on the phone because she won't understand why she can hear our voice but not see us.

 

I cannot wait to hug and kiss her little cheeks! We're headed home Abigail (and her big brothers!) See you soon!

Keep remembering

 

This holiday season, let's remember those families celebrating away from their loved ones. In particular, would you join me in praying for my dear friend Angelica? She and her three kids (Noah, Rowan, and Reese) have four months to go before their Daddy comes home. Please pray for this family and all the families who are counting the days to their loved one comes home.

Cousins (before we left)

Right before we left for Minnesota, we spent the entire day with my brother and his wife (Keith and Adrienne) and their little girls: Charleigh and Baylee. Baylee is a little too you young to truly "play" with the boys, but Charleigh, who is just two months younger than Sidge, is totally at their level. She is totally the mother hen with my boys, and they just let her lead them wherever she wants them to go. Here are some fun pics of the cousins.

 

Moments after we arrived, Charleigh started playing dress up. Their only boy costume was a fireman suit -- so that's what Charleigh put Sidge in.

 

This just cracked me up.

 

 This picture is so cute to me. Isaac has never let anyone paint his face. Anywhere. The fact that Charleigh talked him into sitting in a chair so that she could put chalk on his face, flabbergasted me! (You can't see Sidge in this picture but his entire body is covered courtesy of himself and Charleigh.)

 

Here are the kids coloring anything they could. They had a ball decorating Charleigh's basketball hoop and playhouse.

Cousins painting faces

Thanks

Thank you to my husband and to my aunt and to my close friends and to my family who have "put up with me" during the last month -- as I have been dealing with the drugs associated with this IVF. I'm sure we can all pass this quote along to someone who has stood by us when we didn't deserve it.

Man do I miss these faces

Two shooting stars

Two shooting stars. That's what the radiology tech said as they dropped two little babies into my womb this morning. Now we wait a week and a half or so to see if they are sticking around. It appears the other five embryos have failed to thrive although they will give them a few more days to make sure they are no longer alive. Many emotions today that I can more clearly share when the Valium is out of my system!

Friday Funnies (Grama K. style)

The boys stayed with JB's Dad and Mom the first four nights we were gone. She sent me (via email) a few funnies to share. These were all written by my mother-in-law:

"The park we went to has a small-open pirate ship and the boys saw it right away and started playing in it. There are a lot of high walkway/boardwalks all around (accessible by stairs) above it so pretty soon they took off and ran up there, saying now they had two ships! All of a sudden everyone in the park could hear Sidge yell out 'Captain Isaac!' Isaac turned around and said 'Here I am' and Sidge yelled out, 'I'm the First Mate.'

*****

"At bedtime last night, I was sitting with Isaac and bent over to give him an extra hug and kiss and realized I had an onion on my turkey burger. So, I told him I was going to go brush my teeth so he wouldn't think I had stinky breath :) When I came back he reached up and pulled my face close (to smell:) and said, with the cutest smile ever, 'You smell like ice cream!' How sweet is that? I would love for him to think of me like that. You are so right about how cuddly and cute he is when he's falling asleep."

*****

"We're heading to your folks in just a bit to meet up with Joan and see Abigail. The boys both are looking forward to seeing their sister now. Earlier this morning while we were playing trains, Sidge said 'Sometimes Abigail messes things up.'"

*****

"Isaac was just playing with the toy dishes and held up one of the glasses (stemmed) and said to Ray: 'This is what my Daddy uses for beer!'"

Transfer update

Our transfer has been moved to Friday morning. I report bright and early tomorrow. The embryologist says we have lost 4 embryos. This means we should have 1, 2, or 3 by tomorrow. I will have more to report after the transfer tomorrow. The plan is to transfer 2. Not sure if they'll consider 3 if that's all we have. Game time decision I guess.

Kids are doing great back in Florida. We miss them like CRAZY but know that because we are gone they are getting to spend amazing time with people who love them as much as we do.

Isaiah 40:9-11

This will be my new verse of encouragement during this upcoming cycle. Thank you Beth for sharing this with me (even if, due to Minnesota snow, it couldn't be in person.)

 

He tends his flock like a shepherd:
He gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart;
he gently leads those that have young.

To Trust

Help me Oh Lord to remember how many times you have taken care of me before. How can I fail to trust you now, after you have seen me through so much? When will I finally turn my life completely over to you and give you full control instead of attempting to control on my own?

Woah Snowa!

Despite Minnesota being a very, very cold place to live, the amount of snow we got in Rochester when we lived here (2003-2007) was not extreme. I can only remember about a half dozen times that ALL the schools in the local area closed. (At most, you'd get a late start -- enough time for the plows to clear the way.) When I was a teacher our first year here, I think we only had one snow day the entire year I worked there. It's not the norm. (The picture at left is of Lesley and her son Caleb shoveling the driveway this morning.)

But Rochester has gotten a bunch of snow and the kids across the street are celebrating with sledding and romping in the newly fallen snow. While the local amount is estimated to be under a half foot, the areas right around us are forecasted to see up to twenty inches! Woah!

It's a little disappointing as I was supposed to meet with (a) my coworkers from the RLS Foundation this a.m. and (b) an old friend, Beth Bailey, this afternoon. But the weather has forced us to cancel all plans. Beth was going to have to make a drive from Minneapolis and the weather is just too rough. So instead, today will be a lot more "lay low" then I was planning on.

While that part is disappointing, beautiful snow is always a wonderful sight. If it is going to be cold, it might as well snow. I'm going to sit and enjoy the snow. I'm also going to sit and miss my kiddos a bunch. They are doing fantastically with Grampa and Grama K.; Papa and Grama Di; and their Roy and Joni to entertain them as well as their four cousins. But man I miss those little buggers something fierce. I know they are having a great time being spoiled immensely which brings me comfort. But I can't wait to hug them again this weekend.

Transfer is scheduled for Saturday morning. I'll keep everyone posted if anything changes. We won't know how the embryos are doing until we go in that morning.

Jake & Rana

Our friends Jake and Rana made the two hour drive from Mora, Minnesota to see us. Rana is Turkish. Jake is American. They met and fell in love and lived in Turkey for many years. That is where we met them. When we moved to the Azores, they moved to America. How wonderful to see a dear friend. Maybe the world isn't as big as it feels to me sometimes afterall.

 

Me and Rana

 

My only sort-of successful picture of the kids: Mia (almost 3) and Aksel (almost 5)

 

 

Jake and Rana spent the night in Rochester. We had Indian food with them on Friday night and then on Saturday, gave them a tour of the Mayo buildings and then let the kids play at the mall.