12x12: February #7: "Internal Family Systems"

 

This is part seven of a Saturday-long Conference I attended with Adam Young and a guest speaker. This was held on February 4, 2025. The Conference was entitled: "On Fear and Failure: From "My life is an Endless Struggle" -- to -- My Life is a Compelling Story." In this lecture, Adam discusses "Internal Family Systems"

The foundation of IFS (Internal Family Systems) is the idea that no part of us is bad. There are no bad parts. They might be doing a bad job at part of it. 

The 6 F's

1. Find the Part: take a breath, direct your attention inward. Is there any specific section of your body that you are feeling more than the others? As you direct your attention inward, is there an emotion or a thought that comes forward and seems to want your attention. If you just pause and breathe for a moment and direct your attention inward. Why? Because there is always energy flowing inside of us. It might be a knot in your stomach or a lump in your throat. You might notice an emotion like anger or sorrow. But you will notice that there is energy there. Notice what is presence inside. Identify one of those things that you notice. The first step is just to notice it.

2. Focus on the Part: Give it some attention. Suppose you found a part of you that is angry or sad or feeling ashamed, whatever it is. Turn your attention inside and spend some time with that part of you. Can you allow whatever is emerging to just be there? Spend some time recognizing that there is a part of you that wants some attention right now. Focus on it for just a moment. And if you aren't aware of anything right now, that's okay. You may be moving too fast and need a little more time.

3. Flesh it Out: Get to know more about it. It might have a shape, size, or color. Or maybe it doesn't have any of that. Maybe it is a younger, scared part of you. (This was weird for me before I started counseling, but I've begun to lean into this.) There is a part of Wendi that is a six-year-old girl that is in her childhood. What is that part of you? 

Example: Adam's son has a thirteen-year-old son that watches screens more than Adam would like. And any time Adam sees him on screens, three different parts are activated: (a) part of Adam is ashamed that he lets him watch this much youtube (b) part of Adam is angry at his son for watching screens so much (c) part of Adam is helpless in his fathering of his son. He feels powerlessness. Right there in this simple example, Adam is aware of three different parts of him that are being activated. Remember, all of these parts are good. They are doing a job within the self-system that is intended to help his son grow into the man he will become. So, spend some time noticing each of these parts and flesh it out a little bit at a time.

4. Feel: Ask yourself, how do I feel toward this part of me? Let's say you identify a part that is afraid. Whatever your part is that you've identified, ask yourself, "How do I feel toward this fearful part of me?" This is a real big deal. Why? You will become aware that there is a you that is not a part. There is a you that is your essence, SELF. Ask yourself, "How do I feel toward this angry/shameful/fearful part." There is a you that is observing this part of you. And that is your SELF or your ESSENCE. 

When you ask yourself how you feel, chances are, the answer is not very kind. You are mad at yourself. You can see a bit of a war occurring inside of you. You need to bring curiosity and compassion to whatever part you've identified. "Can I be curious and can I be compassionate toward the fact that I am angry at my son? Because I am."

5. beFRIEND it: Ask the part of you that is troubled, "What do you need me to know?" Listen. Let that part of you speak. Take the part that feels helpless about his son's screen time. When Adam says to his helpless part, "What do you need me to know?" What it says immediately is, "I want my son to grow up in a healthy way, and I'm not sure I'm powerful enough to guarantee that." Parts speak! Wow! That's where this behavior is actually coming from. You are getting to know the part's positive intention. I worry that I am failing as a parent. This part's positive intention is, "I want you to be a good father. You love this boy." You want to him to be successful. 

Speak to that part. Be friendly. Say, "I get it! I get why you feel helpless. You love this boy. You want him to be successful." And then ask the part, "What else do you need me to know. These parts will give you precious data and information. Maybe you got in a fight with a partner. And you felt like a 15-year-old in that fight. Lean in. BeFriend that part. Ask it what it needs you to know. Be kind to that part. There's a part of you that is being activated. And you want to get to know it. But you need to bring curiosity and compassion to the part.

6. Fear: What is this part afraid will happen if it stops doing it's job. Take the part of Adam that feels ashamed of Eli being on screens so much. What is the ashamed part afraid would happen if it stops making Adam feel shame. "I am afraid that he'd be on screens all day, every day and turn into a zombie." The part will give you precious information.

12x12: February #6: "How Else Would I know?"

 

This is part six of a Saturday-long Conference I attended with Adam Young and a guest speaker. This was held on February 4, 2025. The Conference was entitled: "On Fear and Failure: From "My life is an Endless Struggle" -- to -- My Life is a Compelling Story." In this lecture, Rob discusses, "How Else Would I Know?"

When that haunting sense of failure creeps in, here are some mantras you can use:

How else would I know? Is there some other way to know how it works to be a human being than to actually BE a human being? 

How else would it work?

How would you set up a universe? 

Or you could just say, Well, now I know. 

What did I learn? 

What was the lesson? Don't go to Toledo in the winter. Don't date that woman again. 

How much is the wisdom I gained in that decision, going to save me money during the rest of my life? 

Anything around failure and what was I thinking? change the mantra around to say, Here is what I was thinking. Or you could also say, What was I afraid of? 

When that haunting sense of failure creep in, sit with it. 

For example. After a bad relationship. What were you thinking: Well, I had hope. Oh I gave my heart away because I wanted to love and be loved. Now, you are bumping up against something that feels very human.

Why did I pressure my kid like that? Well, I wanted my kid to do well in the world ... and that doesn't sound like a monster. That sounds like a pretty standard parenting position.

As you get closer to naming what you were thinking, it softens the shame.

And, what if you just said: I am learning. 

With your kids, try this: You know what, I am learning to be patient. And I have all kinds of funky messages in my brain that are trying to figure this out. 

I have done this with people. I've just been incredibly authentic and vulnerable and to tell people I am learning and messing up. 

Wendi Kitsteiner is a first-time event. 

Learning begins with a posture of How in the world would I expect myself to get this right on the first try? 

If someone points out a failure, try replying this way: It has been an abundance of attempts? When people encounter someone who owns every square inch of their story, they will react so differently. When someone smiles and tells you they know they've failed, the authenticity is contagious. 

I am very good at trying. 

We should be saying Good job to people for so many things. Having a wonderful evening taking your children out for pizza after growing up in abuse? 

Go you!

 

12x12: February #5: "Kindness"

This is part five of a Saturday-long Conference I attended with Adam Young and a guest speaker. This was held on February 4, 2025. The Conference was entitled: "On Fear and Failure: From "My life is an Endless Struggle" -- to -- My Life is a Compelling Story." In this lecture, Adam Young discusses having kindness to yourself.

A year of kindness to yourself will take your farther than weekly sessions with your dream therapist. The harm we do to ourselves through self-contempt is often greater than the actual trauma itself. How do you respond to yourself? 

When you think back to yourself as a ten-year-old, what is your posture toward that child? What about at fourteen? At what about today, when you have an argument with your spouse?

Self-contempt blocks the healing process more than any other single factor. The anecdote to self-contempt is kindness. Romans 2 says, "The Kindness of God leads to repentance." Then, why does a part of you feel like the best way to change and grow is to be harsh with yourself? What comes up for you when you even think of being kind to yourself? Or in receiving kindness from other people? 

Is it easy to ask for someone else for care or support? For many of us, when we aren't doing well, we tend to get angry at ourselves about the fact that we are not doing well. In the moments when we are most in need of care and soothing, we are usually the most harsh with ourselves. What do you tend to say to yourself when you are anxious or afraid?

"This is because I don't trust God enough."

"If I had faith like so and so I would do better."

When your body floods with cortisol, I chastise myself for not being more mature than I am. How is it that my dysregulation becomes an occasion for me to accuse myself for not having grown enough or matured enough? 

Self-contempt blocks the body's natural healing mechanisms. What if you began to explore your story with kindness? 

"That I feed the hungry, that I forgive an insult, that I love my enemy in the name of Christ -- all these are undoubtedly great virtues. What I do unto the least of my brethren, that I do unto Christ. But what if I should discover that the least among them all, the poorest of all the beggars, the most impudent of all the offenders, the very enemy himself -- that these are within me, and that I myself stand in need of the alms of my own kindness -- that I myself am the enemy who must be loved -- what then? As a rule, the Christian's attitude is then reversed; there is no longer any question of love or long-suffering; we say to the brother within us “You fool,” and condemn and rage against ourselves." C.G. Jung

For some reason, Christians feel selfish if they care or think about themselves? We think that thinking about ourselves is a bad thing. It's not! It's a human thing! He made our brain with a default-mode-network that needs to think about heart, mind, body, etc. 

1. We have a relationship with ourselves.

2. How would you describe your relationship with yourself? 

If I asked you how you felt about your best friend, you could tell me. But what characterizes your relationship with you? Is it warm? Affectionate? Or is it harsh, conflicted. You've got a relationship with you. 

We are called as Christians to the hurting one? But what if the hurting one is you! I can be kind to others in pain. Why can't we be kind to ourselves? We are resistant to receiving kindness. One of the bi-products with trauma is a war with kindness. 

Your past is present. Your past story is playing out in your present story. Have you ever considered why it is so hard to bring kindness to your own heart and body? What if it has to do with a time in your past when you had a need of kindness and care and when you were, were you shamed for that? Were you abandoned in your moment of need? When you were hopeless? Overwhelmed? Upset? Were you shamed for having a need?

Are you willing to bring caring kindness to yourself when you are dysregulated? Why does this situation continue to bother me? Why is this person still affecting me so much? 

It is very common for people with a history of trauma to be at war with our emotionally activated body. People with a history of trauma, they get emotionally dysregulated more often. One of the harder things in life is actually allowing yourself to receive care and kindness from others. 

Comfort comes from with and strong. Comfort is being with someone to strengthen them. To be with. Withness is so important. To be with someone out of a desire to strengthen them. And anytime someone is truly with you, you are strengthened. To be emotionally present with someone, you are inevitably strengthened. They may not understand you completely. But they have the courage to enter your hurt with a desire to hear you and understand you. 

As you explore your story, it is very important to grow in kindness to yourself. And bringing comfort to yourself is something that can be learned. 

Remember, every child needs THE BIG SIX from their parents.

Would you consider giving yourself the Big Six.

1. Are you attuned to yourself? Are you aware when you are in pain? 

2. Responsiveness. Are you emotionally responsive to yourself when you are struggling? 

3. Engagement. Do you engage your own heart? 

4. Ability to regulate your arousal. Can you handle when you get dysregulated?

5. Strong enough to handle your negative emotions.

6. Willingness to Repair.

You don't have to respond to your story by joining in violence toward yourself. You can have kindness to your frailty ... the way God would!

God says, "A bruised reed I will not break." God doesn't hate that we are bruised reeds. Why do we hate that we are? 

Do you just strive harder and turn against yourself when you are struggling? You don't have to respond to your brokenness with all matter of self-accusation? What is keeping you from responding to yourself with kindness instead of grinding it out. 

Have you made a list of those things that bring your body a sense of calm, soothing, comfort? What music calms you? Have you made a playlist? And if you, will you be kind enough to your body when it is struggling next time and listen to that soothing music. Engaging in your story is about tending to your dysregulated body AND writing out your stories and looking at your past. We need to do both. 

When we treat ourselves with kindness, it begins to awaken unmet longings that weren't met in other parts of our life. So we don't want to be kind to ourselves. Because then we will feel the angst of unmet need.

For some of us, the desire for comfort and care, actually brings us a sense of humiliation because we realize we have needs. And being needy is a shameful thing. 

But, child, you have been designed to need. That is part of what it means to be human. We need care. 

Are you at war with the way you have been designed?

Here's a side-note: For many people with a history of trauma, the person who offered you kindness, care, and comfort, also then abused you. That is the nature of the grooming process. Therefore, receiving another's comfort will feel way too close for ways you were abused and groomed. Your brain has therefore paired kindness, care and comfort with something bad is going to happen. Therefore, when someone is kind to you now, your gut thinks, "There's got to be a catch. What does this person want from me? What will be asked or required from me?" This is a huge dilemma for some people with trauma. 

When do you tend to turn against your heart? It is often when you are hurting and there is a possibility of comfort. 

In the end, it is not truth that changes people. It is kindness. 

Truth is necessary. But we need kindness even more. From others and from others. This is why a year of kindness to your own heart will take you farther than anything else on this journey of healing. The more we are kind, the more are brain heals. 

The more we are open to receiving comfort from others and from ourselves, the more our brain seems to change.

Will I open myself to receiving good care, now, especially when I am struggling? There are people who have come into my life that offer withness and we sometimes become suspicious and push them away. You have neurons that have paired kindness with something bad is about to happen. 

But ponder this: What is your posture toward yourself? And what would it look like to bring some kindness into your relationship from you to you.

EMDR

If I could go back in time ... 

I would have done EMDR when I was 12. Or even twenty-one. Sometime. Way earlier. I would have met my depression and anxiety head-on immediately and gotten to the root of it then!

I am telling you right now. If you have a child who is suffering from anxiety or depression:

DO

IT

NOW!

Find a faith-based EMDR therapist and stop the madness before it begins. It is not crazy. It is not Kooky. Trust me. My husband doesn't put up with things he can't understand. This isn't like that at all. It is not hypnosis. This is backed up by pounds of research.

We did EMDR with our daughter Abigail recently. I believe she only did three (maybe four?) sessions. She had been battling sleep anxiety for many years. We had no idea what to do about it. And as she got older, it was keeping her from feeling free to be able to spend the night at a girlfriend's house (although we aren't big "slumber party" people.) 

This past weekend, she spent the night with her youth group's small group. (At First Christian, the kids are in groups based on their age and sex.) This was a monumental event and honestly, truly, life-altering and transformative. 

And if you are an adult who battles anxiety or depression, please DO NOT hesitate. And don't let money stop you. There are many places where you can obtain counseling through insurance or even through free opportunities.

Don't suffer needlessly. I will tell you that without the intervention of my counselor, I am not sure I would be alive. I mean that. And I am not sure that my marriage or relationship with my children wouldn't deteriorate beyond recognition at some point. 

12x12: February #3: "What Fear is and How Fear Works"

This is the third of a Saturday-long Conference I attended with Adam Young and a guest speaker. This was held on February 4, 2025. The Conference was entitled: "On Fear and Failure: From "My life is an Endless Struggle" -- to -- My Life is a Compelling Story." In this lecture, Rob talks about fear and our relationship with it.

This time we will think about a shrub. And the possibility of a lion hiding behind the shrub. Is there a lion that will jump out at me?

Or not.

Threat assessment is GOOD. It keeps us alive. We are supposed to be wondering if there is a lion in the shrub! Our system is always scanning the unknown for the threat of danger. 

We have no problem with this threat assessment software. We come by it honestly. It has kept us alive as a species!

Now, let's shift from the Savannah to just a regular kitchen. It has a hot stove! It has sharp knives! Why aren't we afraid?

If someone were to come in and grab a knife and started waving it around, we would have our threat assessment turn up a notch. But otherwise, we have integrated this threat assessment system for a kitchen so well, we can walk in and out with no problem.

No Fear = stupid! Fear is very important!

We are going to face the unknown in our futures. We will honestly and endlessly find us in moments when the fears kick in. And we will say, "What's wrong with me?" But we want this to be there! 

We are pack animals. We survive by being a part of the herd. We need to belong to the tribe. This is why relational rupture affects our bodies the way it does. The next thing your amygdalia is always scanning for is exclusion. The first is fire coming over the mountain. And the second one is always social exclusion. If you have fears about, "Maybe they won't like me if I do X," please remember that is normal. That fear is reasonable. And, there is a way to integrate that fear. Okay, "maybe that will happen. Noted. It could go that way." That one alpaca that got separated, died. Belongingness goes to the core of who we are as human beings.

At a deep level, belonging is crucial to survival. That is both true and false in our lives. Sometimes something new comes along, and this new thing is often disruptive. New creation is disruptive. You have a current creation: the job and life you currently have. And then all of a sudden, something new comes along, and it becomes clear you are going to be moving in that direction instead. It generally has a disruptive element in it as you move into a new territory. And it may set off those primal impulses to keep you safe! You may be laying there in the middle of the night thinking, "Wow! I'd love to try that" coupled with, "Oh my gosh! I can't do that. What if I fail?"

Let's normalize all of that.

Also, don't try to defend, explain, justify something unless someone is genuinely interested. How are you going to explain that? You barely understand it yourself. You are not required to make others understand.

If you have a habit of beating yourself up over your fears please remember our goal: we are not trying to overcome fears, we are trying to integrate them. We are not trying to eliminate them. We don't want to eliminate them.

So, when your fear arises, let's do the following. Try saying ...

• "Thank you."
• "Fear is my friend." 
• "Well done."
• "Good job alerting me."
• "Excellent."
• "Maybe."
• "Noted."
•  "I know." (Say it with a smile as it tells you everything that can go wrong.)
  
• Use satire. "Thank you for conjuring up all the ways I can embarrass myself at this party."

This was especially true if you grew up in a culture that was trying to inoculate you from realty. The moment you had despair, abyss, or fear ... it gave you lists of verses and saying to protect you from possibilities. That is so true. This was very true of my childhood in the church. Fear was not welcome. Fear meant something was wrong. Oh how I needed to know fear was part of my existence and designed to keep me safe. Oh how I plan to teach my children this.

Your kid may actually make the decisions you were most afraid that would make. I know, but I'll have what I need, and it'll be okay. When we do that, fear loses its power over us. 

Remember, with RISK, there are always two sides: 

1. Risky TO do it.

2. Risky NOT to do it. 

Everything is fundamentally risky.

Fear is a wonderful servant. It is a terrible master. 

We want to move fear from being a master to being a servant. We want to say, "Oh, there's the fear. What data and information is it bringing me? Ahhhh, interesting."

12x12: February #4: "Q&A"

This is the fourth lecture of a Saturday-long Conference I attended with Adam Young and a guest speaker. This was held on February 4, 2025. The Conference was entitled: "On Fear and Failure: From "My life is an Endless Struggle" -- to -- My Life is a Compelling Story." In this lecture, Adam Young and guest speaker Rob answer questions at the halfway mark of the conference.

Rob, how did you get here on this journey?

Part of the curriculum of my life is that it is okay to be sad! I achieved all of the things the world said would make me happy, and I wasn't happy. It's okay to be sad and disappointed. They are an important dementia of life. "I became a master at protecting you from the depths of the human experience." And then needing to realize, sometimes you have to be sad.

How do we handle changing direction in our faith journey?

So many of us were taught that our self was bad and it was fundamentally flawed. I was baptized in self-contempt. If you didn't feel crummy about yourself, you were missing out on something. Of course you wrestle with that. The same people who put a roof of our head and food on the table, received a message from those parents. Four-year-olds can't parse that out. Twelve-year-olds probably still can't. So of course you learned self-contempt from them. What were you thinking? You were thinking: This is what I was taught from birth. They took care of me. I wanted to be loved. I was lonely. 

What do you do when you are dealing with incredibly intense fear?

Use your truth tellers!! Go to your people to help you go through your mantra! You have survived every single stress in your life. So what we know with 100% certainty is that you made it through it in the past, otherwise you wouldn't be here talking about this one. This one, at some point, will be another one from your past. When you say that question out loud, the question loses its power. Asking our truth teller, "Tell me it's going to be okay?" is allowing ourselves to receive comfort. It's one thing to have the fear. It's another thing to be alone in the fear. 

THE REACH can be one of the hardest things to do. 

How do I help my children with their fears?

Other than enjoying your child, you are helping your child listen to their own deep knowing. You are helping them learn to be you. As you are with them (withness) in the pressure they are feeling, it will start to morph into something else. 

If you have mostly been excluded ...

You need to grieve that. That is a loss.

 

12x12: February #2: "How Creation Works and a Bit about Time"

This is the second of a Saturday-long Conference I attended with Adam Young and a guest speaker. This was held on February 4, 2025. The Conference was entitled: "On Fear and Failure: From "My life is an Endless Struggle" -- to -- My Life is a Compelling Story." In this lecture, Rob talks about how creation actually works and how we don't hold ourselves to the same standard we hold nature.

Draw a tree. Draw seeds falling from that tree and landing on the ground. Did you know that a birch tree drops 2 million seeds in its lifetime. And, listen to this, roughly two of those seeds will actually become fully grown birch trees.

Let's switch this to people. When two people create a child, the man's contribution is around 250 million sperm. Only ONE actually swims far enough upstream to be the winner. For you to be here, is a pretty big deal! It's even harder than a birch tree. You won at least one time to be here!

(Unless you are an IVF baby like my Pomegranate. Than it isn't really a matter of winning. Ha!)

Two questions: 

1. Are those extra sperm and those extra seeds ... waste? 

2. Is that failure that the other 1,999,998 seeds didn't create a tree? 

When leaves fall from the trees in Autumn, do you think: what a waste? 

Of course not! 

You think, "How beautiful!" 

You celebrate the death of the leaves because it would be beautiful. It's how nature works!

Creation does not share our obsession with production and efficiency.   

Creation doesn't need to nail it on the first try. Nothing in nature nails it on the first try! And yet we try something once and think, "I can't do it. I tried and I failed." 

What if you instead called it an abundance of attempts. What if we gave ourselves the same freedom we give to the birds of the air and the trees on the mountains.

Pre-Industrial Revolution, they had SIXTY feast days a year. They would run their lives around the seasons. Around what was growing. Around what time the grapes needed to be harvested. And then, suddenly, we are in the Industrial Revolution and we have a work-week that isn't contingent upon the seasons whatsoever. 

No longer is it "how much is the harvest producing?" Instead it has become: "I do this many hours and I get this much pay for an hour and I know how much money will buy me that much stuff." Time then became understood for what you could get out of it. An hour of time gets me this much pay which gets me this much stuff. Time used to be arranged around the seasons. And in the winter, we'd rest for the harvest season. But we don't do that anymore.

In the Industrial Revolution, time became what it produces. We've drifted away from seasons. 

You are now extracting things from time which then taps into scarcity. We only have so many hours. Perhaps you came from a world when you grew up that "if I am to care for myself, I am selfish." If you were to actually rest, the word you would use is lazy. I can't just take care of myself and book the trip I want to book. I have to go to Hawaii on cheap tickets and then I deserve it. I can't just decide I can take a trip to Hawaii and not cut corners. I am not worthy of that. 

Just notice how deep this wiring goes. Notice the images about time:

Steal some minutes

Carve out time

Squeeze in some time with someone

Waste time

This is the stuff that matters, and you have to steal it? These words are about violence or thievery. As if your time belongs to someone else. 

We must heal our relationship with:

1. Time

2. Production

3. Efficiency

You are "wasting time" if you aren't doing something. Instead, we should be resting for what is coming next. With the coming of the Industrial Revolution, time becomes units. Instead of "how much is the harvest producing and how do we receive it and bless it?" to this new way of thinking. Time became understood in the human psyche for what you can get out of time!

What if, before we go to check fifteen emails, we instead go for a lovely walk and have our brain sorted before we check the emails. Would we possibly be more efficient? If we take care of ourselves, we are able to handle the fifteen minutes of time wasted at that meeting discussing third quarter numbers, and maybe even get right to the point. Being more tuned-in will actually help you be more efficient.

I should be farther along by now (compared to when?)

That is the mind placing a template on your life that is 100% artificial and judging it by that template and then creating our own suffering. 

I shouldn't be this tired (said during the Pandemic -- compared to when? Another Pandemic?)

This is taking too long.

I should be more patient by now.

By now I was supposed to be ... 

What does the word suppose do at the physiological level? This creates an illusion of an ideal you that fails to exist in reality and then it wonders why it is suffering? We can only live in reality. Reality always wins. 

So ... we are aligning ourselves with how all of creation actually works

I got stuff that I need to get done. 

Yeah, so does the mountain. The river needs to flow! 

Quit shouldin' all over yourself. 

How about: less fight ... more flow. 

How about: less fit it in ... more finding our way. 

How about: not worrying that we missed our chance. The invitations will keep coming! 

Let's stop saying: It was supposed to be and instead move with what is.  

Why does that anger you like it does?

Why do you feel injustice?

What is tugging on your sleeve? 

Should you take a class on that? 

Should you book that trip? 

Lean in. Be curious. Notice that. So much of my healing has been to see the world differently. I am not running from emotions. I am looking at them and observing them. 

Can you align your thinking with creation? Extra seeds is not waste. Are the three years you spent in theology school if you end up not being a pastor a waste? Were those seasons a waste? And was it a failure? Looking at creation is holding up a mirror and seeing 2 million seeds, and 2 trees. 

Is ...

that ...

waste?

It's a different way of looking at the story that has been my life -- the circuitous path that has been my life. Was it really failure? I've thought that to myself during this last year. Why did God wait until 2024 to reveal himself to me? Why not sooner? Why force me to traverse and live with such debilitating anxiety for so long? Why couldn't he have taken me on this route earlier.

Are the curves in the river of your life actually failure.

It may have taken that long to see it clearly, but you know what, that's how long it took. 

Take a pen and paper each day and say: 

Dear Wendi, what would you have me know today? 

And then start writing and see what your pen says. Often, the pen might tell you: You can just rest. Creation is not obsessed with performance-driven productivity. You don't need to be either.

If I rest, I feel like I am doing something wrong. Part of that is our family-of-origin story. 

What did your family tell you about your permission to rest?

The message you received comes from your nature and also from your nurture. Many of us received the message: I must always be ON. But that is not the way creation works!

Where is your body in alignment with creation? And where is there a demand for efficiency? And is the fact that you are the 1 in 250 million worth anything to you? Each of us have made lots of attempts at different things in our life. And what is your posture toward the fact that you might be willing good at trying.

Are you judging the birch tree?! Are you saying, "Man you are a failure!?" 

Of course not! So what is keeping you from living in more alignment with the way it is happening, according to the way the Lord made the world?

12x12: February #1: "Rivers"

This is the first of a Saturday-long Conference I attended with Adam Young and guest speaker Rob Bell. This was held on February 4, 2025. The Conference was entitled: "On Fear and Failure: From "My life is an Endless Struggle" -- to -- My Life is a Compelling Story." In this lecture, Rob talks about creation and our similarities to creation.

Here we are! February Conferences. We are going to witness ourselves today. One aim of today is to see the story of our lives with more compassion and honesty. 

Draw a river.

Now draw a mountain.

How does the river come down the mountain? It winds. It twists. It doubles back. It meanders. It flows. That river takes its time. 

Even a rushing river isn't straight. 

A river is energy moving through space and time. 

About 100 years ago there was a revolution in human thinking and awareness that everything is made of atoms which are made of particles. We've been able to split atoms and identify sub-particles. Everything that feels solid and firm is actually relationships of energy. Solidity is actually an illusion. 

You are a relationship of energy interacting with other relationships of energy. 

My view as I listened to this lecture! I actually thought the thing about "the horizon" when he said this in his talk!

What you can't find in nature are any straight lines. Yeah, but what about a horizon? Well, that's the curvature of a round planet! 

When we are learning how to be human, we are learning by looking around us at how everything else made of the same stuff works. 

Your shift is from separation ---- to ----> connection. And many worldviews are all based on getting you separated from the world around you. Economic models do the same thing. But what if you are connected to everything around you? 

(This feels a little hokey, but I'm trusting he's going to bring this altogether :)

Think about the environment. We aren't a tree. But we are still a part of the environment. 

Take another moment and draw a timeline. Put your date of birth and then put today: 2025. Pick just a few moments to put on the timeline. What things would you put on the timeline? 

Now try it again and draw with your eyes closed. Draw the line up and down and around with how it feels to be you. Maybe it looks like this:

 

 

I am angry. Collapse. And then we experience/feel the anger. And here comes the unworthy thoughts. We may feel the anger. But let's start feeling it. And witnessing it. And noticing it. 

 

I wonder how this episode ends? 

What if we just turned to our spouse in some moments and say, "I wonder how this episode ends?" You move from being completely caught-up in the thing, and while still in the show, you are noticing it and witnessing to it. You've turned the thing that was, "When is this going to be over ..." into presenting an element of curiosity.

 

Lean into the cringe

Anything that is embarrassing/cringy/uncomfortable needs to be a part of our life. We own them. This is the way it went. We don't dodge the discomfort. I'm owning every square inch of my life.  

 

The details of people's lives that they are the most quick to skim over are often the most interesting.

 

The shift comes from surviving to surprise. We aren't just trying to get through it. We are creating a space where out life can surprise us.Who knows what's around the corner? 

When you were growing up, the home that you grew up, what message did you live with? Did you get the message that: Life is an adventure that you get to go on! Or was the message: Life is a slog to be endured! These voices on your shoulder go deep! You were brined and marinated in this sauce. What was the message in your home? Not just what was said directly. What was said indirectly? What was the message? 

What if Hollywood's best doesn't hold a candle to the story that is YOUR precious life.

Let's go back to the river. When does it get where it's going? When does it get there? 

When

it

does.

 

And when does it get where? You wanna arrive, where? There's nowhere to arrive.  Do you want to just build canals? That's pretty boring! Rivers are much more fun.

Much of our agony comes from a distorted relationship with time. 

Let's just being with: 

We're here. It takes as long as it takes. 

 

Let's turn it from "What's wrong with me" to "What an interesting curriculum!" 

 

Wendi-ness is awesome!

(Put your own name in the blank!)

Let's start by saying, Wendi is awesome. She's a wonder. She's a mystery. Let's just spend some time appreciating her Wendi-ness. Let's look at the twists and turns and explore it and find it less something to be endured and more to be witnessed and enjoyed. Less something to be survived.

In the disappointments, the trajectory of our life is set. But we have to go from weathering to witnessing. There might be a lot of bouncing and hardship on the surface, but look under the water and see the Wendi. Don't bypass the terror or the shame. 

Witness it.

And find another human being to witness it with you. 

We are relationships of energy having a human experience. And then someone else's energy witnesses our story, they bear witness, and they speak into it what they notice about me. In the exchange, there is healing to our soul and heart. 

It takes as long as it takes.

12x12: January #7 "Q&A"

A few weeks after we finished the January conference, Adam took to the time to do a Q&A with us. Seven of our group of eleven were there for this conference. Here are some of the notes I took from that time including the question I asked which was:

In a previous lecture, Adam, you mentioned that those of us with an anxious attachment (of which I am one) are the lion in the lion/gazelle relationship. Why is it that people who are anxiously attached are the lion? Why do they go on the attack?   

We become the lion to quell the panic. To quell the franticness. How do I go about doing that? I need connection with my spouse. We need our spouse see us and understand us and hear us. Our anxiously attached brain strategically go about that? We amp up our volume, intensity, anger, our lion-ness. It is a desperation to be taken seriously and a desperation for connection. However, the very strategies that I am employing necessarily push our spouse away. Because who wants to talk to a lion? But the lion-neess of me needs to be understood by both people. Because it makes sense neurobiologically. It is the way our brain/body has been configured. It is not going away. But it can be understood, honored, and at some level grieved by both parties. Because it is hard for both of you. You don't want to be a lion but we are desperate to know that they care about us. We are lion-like in tone and facial expression.

When someone is unwilling to repair in a relationship, what is the impact on our neurobiology? 

Rupture and repair is part of human life and it is a very healing "thing" for the brain. Repair means that you feel heard and seen. The other person feels heard and seen. And both of you can talk candidly about the experience of the rupture. 

This is what people with trauma as children needed. We needed our primary caregivers to do this with us. It isn't just the words, "I'm sorry." You needed to know that your primary caregiver's heart was hurting because it hurt you. 

Let's say you are now an adult and your mother is unwilling to repair. This will result in immense grief.  The grief that your body will feel will be two-fold: 

(1) the present situation; I said "ouch" to my mom and she didn't seem to care 

(2) all of the previous experiences as a child of saying something hurt and having no repair from the parent. 

When the other person invalidates pain, the only way forward for your body is GRIEF and ANGER. You will feel a bit gas-lit because the are saying, "There is nothing here to talk about sweetheart." You are saying there was pain, and they are saying they don't see that. This will require you to grieve. And this will be very complicated grief because at some level you will feel crazy. 

Does our trauma from our family of origin affect our style of learning?

Adam has no idea! But his opinion is that there is no way it doesn't because trauma profoundly affects your body's ability to self-regulate. And when you are dysregulated (Podcast Episode #20), then the portion of your brain that learns is off-line.

Why in Christianity is there so much emphasis on "my sin" instead of addressing the sins that were done TO us?

This isn't just a question. This is a lament. How is it that the church that I am a part of either now or in the past seem only interested in me engaging my sin and seem uninterested in the broken-heartededness of being wounded by others. This is a cry of "this is not right!" Abuse makes me feel like they need to own what happened as my sin. 

Shame Inventory -- can I do it myself?

Did you know that most people with a high-level of shame aren't even aware they have it? Anything you try yourself is okay if you can stay regulated. If you start to experience dysregulation, pause and do it with a counselor.

Why do I feel a knot in my stomach around certain people?

Who among us hasn't felt the knot in their stomach with certain relationships? 

1. The knot should be welcomed, befriended, listened to, and responded to. Show compassion for The knot. 

2. Think about: What is my posture toward The Knot? Don't tell yourself you shouldn't be feeling this way!

3. Ask The knot, "What do you need me to know?"

4. The knot is telling you something. It is saying, "This is a familiar feeling to you, Wendi." 

5. The knot in the present very often will connect you to harm from the past. And that introduces to younger parts of you. And that can be very healing and helpful if you can make some time to tend to The Knot.

6. Show kindness to The Knot. Don't say, "Go away!" This is a younger part of you that is hurting and wanting some attention and some care. 

7. Making movements toward it instead of away from it, is crucial. 

How do you recall more of your childhood?

Who among us hasn't felt the knot in their stomach with certain relationships? 

1. Check out Episode #71.

2. Is it that you don't remember anything or is that you are dismissing it as no big deal?

3. The things you do remember is incredibly valuable even if you think it is very minor. 

4. Remember that what you experienced while you were growing up was normal for you. For that reason, we often don't think of what happened in our homes as trauma because it was normal for you. 

5. Honor what you do remember and explore it with someone else. 

6. Get a hold of as many photo albums as you can and look at those photos. Imagery activates the right brain which connects you to the limbic system which connects you to memories. 

7. Movies can also help inspire you. Music too!

Can we discuss anger?

Christianity basically teaches us that we aren't supposed to be angry. So what does anger look like? Especially with so much anger suppression.God knows we are angry! What if our anger is able to welcomed and listened to. Before you even express it, what is your posture towards your anger? Many Christians have been told that their anger is bad.

So what about the Psalmists? What about Job? What about the writer of Lamentations? 

Your anger simply is. And God knows that. We shoved it down. Because it was not honored or welcomed in our home!

And now, it isn't that you have anger about the present circumstance. You have all that felt and stuffed anger in your body. So when you experience something in the present that should be a "3" anger, why do you feel a "10"? Because it is so tied into all of the past!

Can you honor your anger? Welcome it with a posture of I am here to listen to you. I am here to listen to what you are so irate about? And if you can welcome it, can you call it good? Can you bless it? Anger, more often than not is invoked by some measure of injustice and wrong. And the God of the Bible is enraged by injustice.

What do you do with painful memories?

Let's say a spouse has wronged you in the past. And when you think of abusive things from your spouse, it causes you pain even though you feel like you've forgiven the person. When there is a violation of trust and it is not sufficiently repaired, the memories will continue to resurface in that person's presence. 

Most likely, these memories haven't been engaged if they keep coming up. Most likely it is that the spouse has not mended and repaired those ruptures, yet. Have you felt heard, seen, understood, validated? You need to say on the person's face: "Oh my gosh. How I have wounded you? And I am so, so sorry."

What about if you are the perpetrator? What if you aren't the victim?

Who among us has not acted out from our wounds and wounded others? Make sure it isn't lopsided as you heal. You most likely have spent more time on the wounds you've inflicted than the wounds you received. You need to be able to connect the harm with what you've done with the harm that you received as a child. 

Can you discuss anxious/ambivalent attachment.

Anxious or ambivalent attachment occurs from inconsistent care-giving and/or intrusiveness.

1. Inconsistent Care-giving: Our neurons keep asking "Are you there for me?" Because we just don't know if the person will be there for us every time we need it.  

2. Intrusiveness: Oftentimes they only showed care when they got something out of it. 

The heartache in the soul is one of panic. Franticness when there is relational rupture. I get dysregulated when there is rupture. And it is very hard for anxiously attached people to self-regulate because the way you develop the structures to self-regulate is by having your affect interactively regulated by your primary caretakers. We are compromised neurobiologically in our ability to self-regulate. This makes relationship fraught and hard. 

When do you know if/when you are ready to repair rupture?

1. When you have done enough work in your own story that you understand how you have hurt the other person. You must be solid enough to hear what it was like for them when you hurt them. 

2. It is up to the other person if they want to have that conversation. You cannot force repair. You may end the conversation if you get dysregulated. You may come back to the discussion when you are regulated. We can return to it when have become regulated again. 

In any interaction there is a "gap" between the harm that I've done and the way my husband has experienced that harm. I may do harm "3" but she feels it as "9" because she has a story. You can't close that gap. But you can notice it and honor it.

 

 

Episode #123 The Place We Find Ourselves: Is Hope Reasonable?

 These posts were written beginning in the fall of 2024. However, I am posting them years back so that they are not at the top of my Blog, and if you want to read them, you need to go "find them" :)

Information from this article is taken from the amazing podcast entitled "The place we Find Ourselves." This episode is called: Is Hope Reasonable?

Will you risk hoping that God might do something genuinely new in the desperate and barren places of your life. It is a completely reasonable thing to hope for.

Can we expect God to do anything new in our lives?

Many people on a healing journey, find themselves stuck. This podcast episode resonated with me because lately I have felt a little "stuck." I feel like I'm in a place where I've dug out as far as I can and maybe this is where I am going to have to stay. It's as if my past issues inflicted a wound on my brain that feels incurable.

I felt for so long like my momentum was so strong. So great. So BIG. And now, it feels like I am inching along. And maybe I am even moving backwards. 

Do you feel like you might have a wound that cannot be cured? 

This is where God's people find themselves in Jeremiah 30:12. God says, "Your wound is incurable; your injury beyond healing." 

Do you sometimes feel like your wound is incurable? Your injury beyond healing? As you have engaged your story in more depth and as you have come to see how your present-day brokenness is linked to your past experiences in life, sometimes, this can make you feel like you are so deeply wounded that there is nothing that can be done.

Lately, I have felt like I am too broken to be fixed!

And then, here we go God, I stumble upon this podcast episode.

And you know what? This is precisely what Israel was feeling during the exile! The same as me! Seriously?

In Jeremiah, the Babylonians had captured the Israelites and shipped them off. These people believed that they were covenanted with and would not be conquered! We find out that Jerusalem was taken over because they had totally broken God's rules in the Torah. 

Israel had an incurable wound.

I feel like I have an incurable wound. 

It totally feels, especially recently, like nothing can be done to fix what's broken. I've done all the things. And it still torments me. It's gotten so much better. But it still is here. 

My particular wound mostly surrounds my desire to please people. To have people like me. To not feel abandoned. To not fawn over people. To not worry if someone thinks I am too much. Or if someone doesn't need me. The election can make it all worse for me because I desire peace to such a degree that I will sacrifice myself or my children for it. 

Please note: this incurable wound is not necessarily YOUR fault like it was for the Jews. However, the place I find myself is similar to how the Jews felt. 

I find myself in a place of barrenness. Barrenness is a metaphor for hopelessness.

But in verse 17, "I will restore you to health and heal your wounds," declares the Lord "because you are called an outcast, Zion for who no one cares."

This text says that you have an incurable wound AND that your wound can be healed. How is that possible? The text acknowledges how severe the wound is but it also offers you the possibility of healing! God is saying what can't be healed CAN be healed!

In Jeremiah 30-33, it says God is free to create newness in the midst of despair. It also says He is committed to create newness!

We are presented with the category of P-R-O-M-I-S-E!

We are children of the Enlightenment. And when that period in our history happened, we lost the belief in God's power. Our imaginations stopped being able to conceive of God intervening in a hopeless situation. The Enlightenment shrunk the human imagination to only consider those things that we human beings could make or create on our own.

If you have a history of past trauma, your hippocampus is 15-20% smaller than people without the trauma. The Enlightenment said, "Well, that's all you have to work with. The hippocampus doesn't have the power to grow." 

However, with God we believe what is possible is NOT limited to what humans can do by themselves! But the people of the Enlightenment taught us that category of PROMISE is excluded for all rational, thoughtful people. 

But Jeremiah 30-33 presents a contradiction to this. This section proclaims that God is relentlessly committed to creating a newness precisely in the moment when human beings cannot get themselves out of their dire straits.

What if your understanding of what is POSSIBLE for you in this life is too small and too limited?!

"Jeremiah urges the people not to trust in what the world calls possible for that way leads to despair and anxiety rather this people is urged to trust instead in the impossibilities which exist first on God's lips." -- Walter Brueggemann

The kingdom of evil is committed to shrinking your imagination down so that the best you can imagine is a rearrangement of the existing pieces of your life. We have lost an imagination for the genuinely NEW!

The prophets repeatedly call on Israel to:

1. Break through their denial by naming the reality of their wounds. To acknowledge that their wound is incurable. 

2. Grieve these wounds. 

3. Risk imagining a newness that is underived from their present circumstances and their present life. In other words: to imagine that the Creator is free to do another act of creating something new in their life.

And these three things are what we have to do!

1. I have to name the reality of my wounds. I have to break through the denial of "it wasn't that bad."

2. I have to grieve my wounds. Tears are a form of confession! They bear witness to what actually happened.

3. I have to risk believing that the Creator can still create!

You may feel that right now what you currently feel is the FINAL ORDERING OF YOUR LIFE. This is it. I can't be better.

Can you feel your imagination open up to the possibility? Can you feel hope rise in your heart? Can you feel that thing inside of you that slams the door on the hope?

1. CREATION: Remember, creation is the way this whole thing started. God spoke newness and the World was made!

2. CONCEPTION: God spoke to barren Sarah and a new family came into existence! The birth of Isaac broke free from what was possible. They were too old. But he was born!

3. FREEDOM: God spoke to oppressed Egyptian slaves, and in His freedom to speak, a new community of people came into existence. Slavery was what the order was at the time. But now there would be a new nation.

"Hope is not a late tacked on hypothesis to serve a crisis, but rather hope is the primal dimension of every member of this community." -- Walter Brueggemann

In other words: it is reasonable to hope!

"To imagine a new gift given from the outside, violates our reason. We know full well, the makings of genuine newness are not included among these present pieces and short of genuineness, life becomes a dissatisfied coping, a grudging trust, and a managing that dares never ask too much." -- Bruegemann

Hope is reasonable because God is inclined to compassion and free to act, free to making something new against all the data of your life. 

Hope is reasonable because of the resurrection. 

The resurrection cannot be explained on the basis of the previous existing reality. It is genuinely a new act of creation performed by the God who is always free to make something new in the midst of desperation and despair. 

Will you risk hoping that God might do something genuinely new in the desperate and barren places of your life? It is a completely reasonable thing to hope for!

We can never ask too much.