A few weeks after we finished the January conference, Adam took to the time to do a Q&A with us. Seven of our group of eleven were there for this conference. Here are some of the notes I took from that time including the question I asked which was:
In a previous lecture, Adam, you mentioned that those of us with an anxious attachment (of which I am one) are the lion in the lion/gazelle relationship. Why is it that people who are anxiously attached are the lion? Why do they go on the attack?
We become the lion to quell the panic. To quell the franticness. How do I go about doing that? I need connection with my spouse. We need our spouse see us and understand us and hear us. Our anxiously attached brain strategically go about that? We amp up our volume, intensity, anger, our lion-ness. It is a desperation to be taken seriously and a desperation for connection. However, the very strategies that I am employing necessarily push our spouse away. Because who wants to talk to a lion? But the lion-neess of me needs to be understood by both people. Because it makes sense neurobiologically. It is the way our brain/body has been configured. It is not going away. But it can be understood, honored, and at some level grieved by both parties. Because it is hard for both of you. You don't want to be a lion but we are desperate to know that they care about us. We are lion-like in tone and facial expression.
When someone is unwilling to repair in a relationship, what is the impact on our neurobiology?
Rupture and repair is part of human life and it is a very healing "thing" for the brain. Repair means that you feel heard and seen. The other person feels heard and seen. And both of you can talk candidly about the experience of the rupture.
This is what people with trauma as children needed. We needed our primary caregivers to do this with us. It isn't just the words, "I'm sorry." You needed to know that your primary caregiver's heart was hurting because it hurt you.
Let's say you are now an adult and your mother is unwilling to repair. This will result in immense grief. The grief that your body will feel will be two-fold:
(1) the present situation; I said "ouch" to my mom and she didn't seem to care
(2) all of the previous experiences as a child of saying something hurt and having no repair from the parent.
When the other person invalidates pain, the only way forward for your body is GRIEF and ANGER. You will feel a bit gas-lit because the are saying, "There is nothing here to talk about sweetheart." You are saying there was pain, and they are saying they don't see that. This will require you to grieve. And this will be very complicated grief because at some level you will feel crazy.
Does our trauma from our family of origin affect our style of learning?
Adam has no idea! But his opinion is that there is no way it doesn't because trauma profoundly affects your body's ability to self-regulate. And when you are dysregulated (Podcast Episode #20), then the portion of your brain that learns is off-line.
Why in Christianity is there so much emphasis on "my sin" instead of addressing the sins that were done TO us?
This isn't just a question. This is a lament. How is it that the church that I am a part of either now or in the past seem only interested in me engaging my sin and seem uninterested in the broken-heartededness of being wounded by others. This is a cry of "this is not right!" Abuse makes me feel like they need to own what happened as my sin.
Shame Inventory -- can I do it myself?
Did you know that most people with a high-level of shame aren't even aware they have it? Anything you try yourself is okay if you can stay regulated. If you start to experience dysregulation, pause and do it with a counselor.
Why do I feel a knot in my stomach around certain people?
Who among us hasn't felt the knot in their stomach with certain relationships?
1. The knot should be welcomed, befriended, listened to, and responded to. Show compassion for The knot.
2. Think about: What is my posture toward The Knot? Don't tell yourself you shouldn't be feeling this way!
3. Ask The knot, "What do you need me to know?"
4. The knot is telling you something. It is saying, "This is a familiar feeling to you, Wendi."
5. The knot in the present very often will connect you to harm from the past. And that introduces to younger parts of you. And that can be very healing and helpful if you can make some time to tend to The Knot.
6. Show kindness to The Knot. Don't say, "Go away!" This is a younger part of you that is hurting and wanting some attention and some care.
7. Making movements toward it instead of away from it, is crucial.
How do you recall more of your childhood?
Who among us hasn't felt the knot in their stomach with certain relationships?
2. Is it that you don't remember anything or is that you are dismissing it as no big deal?
3. The things you do remember is incredibly valuable even if you think it is very minor.
4. Remember that what you experienced while you were growing up was normal for you. For that reason, we often don't think of what happened in our homes as trauma because it was normal for you.
5. Honor what you do remember and explore it with someone else.
6. Get a hold of as many photo albums as you can and look at those photos. Imagery activates the right brain which connects you to the limbic system which connects you to memories.
7. Movies can also help inspire you. Music too!
Can we discuss anger?
Christianity basically teaches us that we aren't supposed to be angry. So what does anger look like? Especially with so much anger suppression.God knows we are angry! What if our anger is able to welcomed and listened to. Before you even express it, what is your posture towards your anger? Many Christians have been told that their anger is bad.
So what about the Psalmists? What about Job? What about the writer of Lamentations?
Your anger simply is. And God knows that. We shoved it down. Because it was not honored or welcomed in our home!
And now, it isn't that you have anger about the present circumstance. You have all that felt and stuffed anger in your body. So when you experience something in the present that should be a "3" anger, why do you feel a "10"? Because it is so tied into all of the past!
Can you honor your anger? Welcome it with a posture of I am here to listen to you. I am here to listen to what you are so irate about? And if you can welcome it, can you call it good? Can you bless it? Anger, more often than not is invoked by some measure of injustice and wrong. And the God of the Bible is enraged by injustice.
What do you do with painful memories?
Let's say a spouse has wronged you in the past. And when you think of abusive things from your spouse, it causes you pain even though you feel like you've forgiven the person. When there is a violation of trust and it is not sufficiently repaired, the memories will continue to resurface in that person's presence.
Most likely, these memories haven't been engaged if they keep coming up. Most likely it is that the spouse has not mended and repaired those ruptures, yet. Have you felt heard, seen, understood, validated? You need to say on the person's face: "Oh my gosh. How I have wounded you? And I am so, so sorry."
What about if you are the perpetrator? What if you aren't the victim?
Who among us has not acted out from our wounds and wounded others? Make sure it isn't lopsided as you heal. You most likely have spent more time on the wounds you've inflicted than the wounds you received. You need to be able to connect the harm with what you've done with the harm that you received as a child.
Can you discuss anxious/ambivalent attachment.
Anxious or ambivalent attachment occurs from inconsistent care-giving and/or intrusiveness.
1. Inconsistent Care-giving: Our neurons keep asking "Are you there for me?" Because we just don't know if the person will be there for us every time we need it.
2. Intrusiveness: Oftentimes they only showed care when they got something out of it.
The heartache in the soul is one of panic. Franticness when there is relational rupture. I get dysregulated when there is rupture. And it is very hard for anxiously attached people to self-regulate because the way you develop the structures to self-regulate is by having your affect interactively regulated by your primary caretakers. We are compromised neurobiologically in our ability to self-regulate. This makes relationship fraught and hard.
When do you know if/when you are ready to repair rupture?
1. When you have done enough work in your own story that you understand how you have hurt the other person. You must be solid enough to hear what it was like for them when you hurt them.
2. It is up to the other person if they want to have that conversation. You cannot force repair. You may end the conversation if you get dysregulated. You may come back to the discussion when you are regulated. We can return to it when have become regulated again.
In any interaction there is a "gap" between the harm that I've done and the way my husband has experienced that harm. I may do harm "3" but she feels it as "9" because she has a story. You can't close that gap. But you can notice it and honor it.
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