12x12: February #6: "How Else Would I know?"

 

This is part six of a Saturday-long Conference I attended with Adam Young and a guest speaker. This was held on February 4, 2025. The Conference was entitled: "On Fear and Failure: From "My life is an Endless Struggle" -- to -- My Life is a Compelling Story." In this lecture, Rob discusses, "How Else Would I Know?"

When that haunting sense of failure creeps in, here are some mantras you can use:

How else would I know? Is there some other way to know how it works to be a human being than to actually BE a human being? 

How else would it work?

How would you set up a universe? 

Or you could just say, Well, now I know. 

What did I learn? 

What was the lesson? Don't go to Toledo in the winter. Don't date that woman again. 

How much is the wisdom I gained in that decision, going to save me money during the rest of my life? 

Anything around failure and what was I thinking? change the mantra around to say, Here is what I was thinking. Or you could also say, What was I afraid of? 

When that haunting sense of failure creep in, sit with it. 

For example. After a bad relationship. What were you thinking: Well, I had hope. Oh I gave my heart away because I wanted to love and be loved. Now, you are bumping up against something that feels very human.

Why did I pressure my kid like that? Well, I wanted my kid to do well in the world ... and that doesn't sound like a monster. That sounds like a pretty standard parenting position.

As you get closer to naming what you were thinking, it softens the shame.

And, what if you just said: I am learning. 

With your kids, try this: You know what, I am learning to be patient. And I have all kinds of funky messages in my brain that are trying to figure this out. 

I have done this with people. I've just been incredibly authentic and vulnerable and to tell people I am learning and messing up. 

Wendi Kitsteiner is a first-time event. 

Learning begins with a posture of How in the world would I expect myself to get this right on the first try? 

If someone points out a failure, try replying this way: It has been an abundance of attempts? When people encounter someone who owns every square inch of their story, they will react so differently. When someone smiles and tells you they know they've failed, the authenticity is contagious. 

I am very good at trying. 

We should be saying Good job to people for so many things. Having a wonderful evening taking your children out for pizza after growing up in abuse? 

Go you!