12x12: February #7: "Internal Family Systems"

 

This is part seven of a Saturday-long Conference I attended with Adam Young and a guest speaker. This was held on February 4, 2025. The Conference was entitled: "On Fear and Failure: From "My life is an Endless Struggle" -- to -- My Life is a Compelling Story." In this lecture, Adam discusses "Internal Family Systems"

The foundation of IFS (Internal Family Systems) is the idea that no part of us is bad. There are no bad parts. They might be doing a bad job at part of it. 

The 6 F's

1. Find the Part: take a breath, direct your attention inward. Is there any specific section of your body that you are feeling more than the others? As you direct your attention inward, is there an emotion or a thought that comes forward and seems to want your attention. If you just pause and breathe for a moment and direct your attention inward. Why? Because there is always energy flowing inside of us. It might be a knot in your stomach or a lump in your throat. You might notice an emotion like anger or sorrow. But you will notice that there is energy there. Notice what is presence inside. Identify one of those things that you notice. The first step is just to notice it.

2. Focus on the Part: Give it some attention. Suppose you found a part of you that is angry or sad or feeling ashamed, whatever it is. Turn your attention inside and spend some time with that part of you. Can you allow whatever is emerging to just be there? Spend some time recognizing that there is a part of you that wants some attention right now. Focus on it for just a moment. And if you aren't aware of anything right now, that's okay. You may be moving too fast and need a little more time.

3. Flesh it Out: Get to know more about it. It might have a shape, size, or color. Or maybe it doesn't have any of that. Maybe it is a younger, scared part of you. (This was weird for me before I started counseling, but I've begun to lean into this.) There is a part of Wendi that is a six-year-old girl that is in her childhood. What is that part of you? 

Example: Adam's son has a thirteen-year-old son that watches screens more than Adam would like. And any time Adam sees him on screens, three different parts are activated: (a) part of Adam is ashamed that he lets him watch this much youtube (b) part of Adam is angry at his son for watching screens so much (c) part of Adam is helpless in his fathering of his son. He feels powerlessness. Right there in this simple example, Adam is aware of three different parts of him that are being activated. Remember, all of these parts are good. They are doing a job within the self-system that is intended to help his son grow into the man he will become. So, spend some time noticing each of these parts and flesh it out a little bit at a time.

4. Feel: Ask yourself, how do I feel toward this part of me? Let's say you identify a part that is afraid. Whatever your part is that you've identified, ask yourself, "How do I feel toward this fearful part of me?" This is a real big deal. Why? You will become aware that there is a you that is not a part. There is a you that is your essence, SELF. Ask yourself, "How do I feel toward this angry/shameful/fearful part." There is a you that is observing this part of you. And that is your SELF or your ESSENCE. 

When you ask yourself how you feel, chances are, the answer is not very kind. You are mad at yourself. You can see a bit of a war occurring inside of you. You need to bring curiosity and compassion to whatever part you've identified. "Can I be curious and can I be compassionate toward the fact that I am angry at my son? Because I am."

5. beFRIEND it: Ask the part of you that is troubled, "What do you need me to know?" Listen. Let that part of you speak. Take the part that feels helpless about his son's screen time. When Adam says to his helpless part, "What do you need me to know?" What it says immediately is, "I want my son to grow up in a healthy way, and I'm not sure I'm powerful enough to guarantee that." Parts speak! Wow! That's where this behavior is actually coming from. You are getting to know the part's positive intention. I worry that I am failing as a parent. This part's positive intention is, "I want you to be a good father. You love this boy." You want to him to be successful. 

Speak to that part. Be friendly. Say, "I get it! I get why you feel helpless. You love this boy. You want him to be successful." And then ask the part, "What else do you need me to know. These parts will give you precious data and information. Maybe you got in a fight with a partner. And you felt like a 15-year-old in that fight. Lean in. BeFriend that part. Ask it what it needs you to know. Be kind to that part. There's a part of you that is being activated. And you want to get to know it. But you need to bring curiosity and compassion to the part.

6. Fear: What is this part afraid will happen if it stops doing it's job. Take the part of Adam that feels ashamed of Eli being on screens so much. What is the ashamed part afraid would happen if it stops making Adam feel shame. "I am afraid that he'd be on screens all day, every day and turn into a zombie." The part will give you precious information.