Post-partum

In attempting to open my own door of communication in regards to Post-partum depression, I thought I would start by just outlining how I have been feeling in a more general context. This is hard for me to talk about, but I have been encouraged by many of you and do feel that me sharing will allow other people to be aware of this condition.

One of the things I most struggle with is anyone perceiving how I am feeling to a lack of gratitude for the miracle of my daughter's birth (or my other children.) I know these things are not related but I don't want anyone to even contemplate them being intertwined.

I have learned a lot about post-partum sadness in the weeks since Abigail was born. I did fight some post-partum depression with Elijah but it was much further out (six months) and was much more on the anxiety end of the spectrum. This time, depression has been a much bigger factor and anxiety more of a secondary characteristic. 

I have learned that sadness in the immediate two weeks after baby is born is referred to as "Baby blues." This does not last long and passes as soon as it comes in. I had all of the symptoms (taken from Mayo Clinic's website) below:

• Mood swings
• Anxiety
• Sadness
• Irritability
• Crying
• Decreased concentration
• Trouble sleeping 

As I left Germany, I felt the baby blues departing, and I thought I was on the mend. However, while I did feel initially better, since the blues had passed, I felt myself slowly going down again as I settled into life here in Turkey. With the baby blues, my primary issue was just crying. But with the post-partum, the symptoms were greater and weren't going away. Some of the symptoms are listed below. (The ones that most effected me are in bold.)

• Loss of appetite
• Insomnia 
• Intense irritability and anger
• Overwhelming fatigue
• Lack of joy in life
• Feelings of shame, guilt or inadequacy
• Severe mood swing
• Difficulty bonding with the baby
• Withdrawal from family and friends
• Thoughts of harming yourself or the baby

You don't have to see a doctor for the baby blues. However, in my case, it became obvious that I had left one thing (blues) and entered another (depression). If these symptoms are occurring, you need to see your doctor. (The ones in bold effected me.)

• Don't fade after two weeks
• Are getting worse
• Make it hard for you to care for your baby
• Make it hard to complete everyday tasks
• Include thoughts of harming yourself or your baby

Personally, I was/am most dealing with:

• The inability to make decisions
• Worry that something would happen to my children
• Sadness that my children were growing up too fast
• Feeling overwhelmed by meaningless tasks
• Lack of pleasure in things that normally brought me joy
• Easily frustrated or irritated
• Guilt about time for each child
• Worry that people would misunderstand my feelings
• Feeling like life isn't worth living
• Feeling that life was too sad to bother with
• Discomfort with social situations

I plan to write more in the future but wanted to start with this overview. I am feeling better already after starting medication and am hopeful that this trend will continue.

A jog?

Abigail was six weeks old yesterday. I decided to celebrate six weeks of healing with a jog.

Okay, okay. So jog may not be the word for what I did. If your dog is just sort of walking next to you then maybe that means your jog doesn't qualify as actually running? Either way, I actually did something more than walking and that alone makes me proud.

I am not completely healed. I still have some discomfort when I move in certain directions and it is difficult to lay on either side in bed still. But I am progressing nicely. This was my fourth stomach surgery. Hernia surgery in high school. Two c-sections. And the appendectomy back in January. I'm ready to keep the knives out of my tummy for awhile.

But the jog will hopefully help me with the at least twenty more pounds that I want to lose. I'm not panicking about the weight yet. JB said to give myself at least three months before I start checking the scale. So I'm going to try that. But I do want to see some numbers dropping off big time in the not-so-distant future.

Oh and jogging isn't the only cool news in our lives. The boys moved into twin sized beds yesterday thanks to an ad I answered on the Incirlik Yard Sale's Facebook page. (Love that site!)

And, we had a block party last night. More details and pics to come soon. Way fun.

Winging it

Isn't that what you do with a new baby? You "wing it" don't you? There are no patterns, no routines, no normal. There is just a learning curve. Adjustments. And that's what we are doing.

Abigail is doing great. My milk is in, and she seems to be enjoying a being a full baby. She basically feeds throughout the day every 2.5-3 hours. When she isn't eating, she is usually snuggling with someone. And of course, sticking to my sleep rules, we make sure she takes at least a nap a day in her crib solo -- which she does very well.

Our hardest stretch is currently from about 7pm-2am. She wants to eat closer to every hour or hour and a half and is pretty wide awake. This matches the activity she produced while still in utero. Come my time for bed and she would think it was her time to be awake and play the drums to her heart's content. But now that she is on the outside, each night seems to get a little better and last night, after a tough start, she went to sleep in her crib by herself from 1:30 until 5:30. Hurray for a good stretch of sleep for Mom.

Speaking of Mom (aka "me"), me is doing well. I am definitely still recovering from stomach surgery but with the help of Motrin and Percocet, am managing quite well.

From the moment I got out of recovery, things went smoothly. While I did bleed enough to concern the doctor and cause them to start me on some medicine to help with that, there was no "panic" about the bleeding like there was with Elijah. I did get a little sick to my stomach post-surgery and actually threw up! This was very surprising since I haven't thrown up since I was fourteen-years-old! The bad part was, when I felt myself beginning to throw up, the nurses and JB had just left the room. I was feeding Abigail and was left on my own to try and hold a bucket and a baby at the same time. But I managed well and was even able to push the call button and get someone to my room.

Since then, everything has gone great. I did have some intense gas pain as well as some air from having my stomach exposed but otherwise, oh my, I am just thoroughly enjoying recovering at a normal rate and being able to enjoy our little girl (and my boys).

Please continue to pray for a quick passport turnaround. That is all we are waiting for to go back to Turkey!

Note from Wendi

Saturday morning was our scheduled c-section. I was supposed to make a quick phone call up to labor and deliveryto make sure that everything was still a go. Under staffed due to a few surprise deliveries, I was told it may not happen that day. Ugh! Needless to say, this made me a bit emotional.

But, everything ended up coming together and by 10:30am, I was changing my clothes and hooked up to an IV and giving blood and preparing to meet our daughter.

They day would go flawlessly. In fact the only glitch was inside my own mind. About thirty minutes before surgery and up until I was strapped down on the table, I really started struggling panic-wise. No one knew but JB, but I was whirling emotionally, answering questions and doing what was asked of me, but mentally spinning. I think, truly, it was fear of recovery. I didn't fear surgery. I feared the moments that followed. I started praying, and by the time the spinal was kicking in, my anxiety was beginng to drop. Praise the Lord.

At 12:44pm I heard the doctor say, "We have clear fluid!" the first sign that things this pregnancy would go entirely different than the last. The next thing I knew, they had pulled down the curtain and I was staring into the face of a screaming and pink and pudgy and little, yes, it was true, girl. Her apgars were 9 and 9! (Quite a bit different than Elijah's 1 and 2.)

JB stayed with Abigail while I went to recovery for about an hour. After that, we were in a room together, and I was feeding her, and she was great, and I felt great, and everything was great. There was a moment or two of concern in regards to my bleeding, but a quick check by my doctor assured the room that I was within the realm of normal and all was still going perfectly.

The forty-eight hours that have followed have been equally wonderful. I have had a few moments where my pain got pretty intense -- mainly the air that gets trapped inside you following a surgery of the abdomen. But overall, things have gone fantastically. Abigail is great. I'm great. JB is great. The boys are great. My parents are great. And we hope to be great together back at the hotel sometime after lunch.

I have had trouble putting pictures on the blog, but you can click here to see most of what we have taken during the last two days. And of course, as I get more rest and our life finds a new normal, I'll be writing tons more about our new addition. THANK YOU for all the mesages and loved from around the world. Blessings everyone!

More Abigail Details

This post is from Wendi. I am doing FANTASTIC. I cannot begin to put into words the difference between our first delivery (Elijah) and this delivery (Abigail.) Heck, this one even feels easier than having Isaac. (Bri may beg to differ.) Everything, including breastfeeding, is going wonderfully. Pain is well managed. Baby girl is quite content. Life is grand. More to come ... tomorrow. But here are a few quick details. She was 7 pounds 13 ounces. (Isaac was 7.5 and Elijah was 8.14). She was 21 3/4 inches (I think -- need to doublecheck this). My scarring looked "very good" which is good news for going back for our embryos. For more pictures pronto, visit: Link to Facebook Album.

Just a delay we pray

Still at home. Called at 7am and was told it may not be able to happen today. Cried a little. Called back at 8am. They still weren't sure. Labor and Delivery has had trouble finding the staff to do the section. They have the doctors but not the nurses. A call back at 8:30 indicates it is probably a go. As of right now, we are due in at 10:30 and have been told that while we may have to wait to get started due to other women delivering, it should happen today. Please pray that it does. Abigail may be a bit later, but we are still hoping and believing that it will be today. I know most of my world is asleep, but if you could please pray that we can do it today, I would greatly appreciate it.

As for now, I continue to fast food and water. So pray it isn't too long!

Saturday Prayers

I would like to start by praising the Lord that my husband is going to be at the delivery of his daughter. When I messed up our meeting point last night at the airport, JB's eyes were glossy and his face showing panic when we finally found each other nearly an hour later. In the car, he admitted to me that he thought I had gone into labor without him there. He admitted to me something he never said during the previous weeks apart. He admitted that he was so concerned about me going into labor without him being there.

"But you told me it would be okay if you missed it," I said.

And my wonderful husband admitted that he told me that because there was no point in me worrying about something we could not control. "If you did go into labor, I didn't want you feeling guilty," he explained. "So I pretended it didn't matter." But then he told me that it would have been a dissapointment greater than he was prepared to handle. He was so relieved when he found me at the airport. So relieved that this meant he would get to be there for Abigail's arrival.

And speaking of that arrival ..."

I went in for my pre-op appointment this morning. I am scheduled to return to the hospital early tomorrow/Saturday morning, with a scheduled arrival of baby before lunch.

What a difference going into this delivery with a scheduled c-section instead of an urgent/stat c-section after a day of labor and pushing for three hours produces in me and JB. We kept remarking how different and surreal this whole things feels

For one thing, I've received great encouragement from the doctors, anesthesiologists, and nurses, that all-around, things should go much better for us tomorrow than it did the first time around. I even got a Facebook message from some of the nurses who were by my side back in Eglin for Elijah's birth encouraging me not to fear. The Lord has really helped provide me with peace -- which is something that a month ago I was struggling to find.

In particular, would you pray the following things for me and Abigail tomorrow:

• Abigail's health


• My health


• A perfectly smooth arrival


• A very fast passport turnaround

We were so blessed when we stopped by the passport office today when the gal in charge volunteered to come in, on a Saturday, to make the sure we didn't lose any time on the paperwork. How wonderful!

The next time you hear from me, baby should be here!

And the new date is ...

... Saturday, July 16th.

They have bumped up my c-section. It is no longer on Monday, July 18th. It was due to myriad of reasons including a shortage of doctors and scheduling conflicts and me being a storknester and ready to drop this baby out for eight weeks now. I think, in the end, when Monday wasn't going to work, the doctor felt so bad for me that he pulled some strings to get this show on the road.

So we just changed JB's ticket. And we lost the money for the first ticket. And Veronica is scheduled to take a trip to Paris on Saturday. (It's a gift from us for her birthday.) But it will all work out.

Saturday it is!

P.S. My one big prayer request right now is to get a passport turnaround as fast as humany possible. They are taking (on average) 6-16 business days. Please pray that I get closer to 6 than 16.

L & D & Friends

Today was a long day. I didn't feel good for most of the day and after another slew of contractions and some fluid concerns, I ended up back in L & D. I did NOT want to go. But my husband decided that I NEEDED to go. Sure enough, I was having 30-40 second contractions 2-3 minutes apart. But I still am not in labor so back home I go. I was dialated a bit more than last time but not enough to keep me there. Oh well! Home to wait some more.

While I may not be feeling so wonderful, I do have some wonderful friends. Angelica "hired" Linda as the director of this video from some of my friends back on Base. By the end, when the song You've Got a Friend in Me comes in and Scrubby is dancing across the screen, I was in tears. Linda managed to load it to youtube so I could share it with you all.

***Please note that there are mentions of pregnancies (mine and others) in this video.

Today was the day ...

... it was all supposed to have begun.

We were going to take the rotator from Turkey to Germany today, June 15. We had a commercial flight for Veronica booked for tomorrow. (We cancelled that flight and thought it was very nice of the airline to return 38 euros to us for fuel costs! Better than nothing!)

Today was the day I was supposed to start my stay in Germany.

And instead, I am one month in. Four weeks! Hard to believe I have been here four weeks.

I still remember lying in the hospital bed at Achibadem Hospital in Adana one month ago, and JB saying to me, "You know what you just did don't you?"

"No," I replied.

"These contractions probably just bought you an early ticket to Germany."

I think I went even paler than I already was. "You are joking. Please tell me you are joking."

"Not joking. I think there is a very good chance they are going to send you out of here earlier. Very early. Maybe tomorrow."

I was speechless. Literally speechless. As a planner, the list I had of things to do before we left was miles long. I hadn't packed yet at all. There were so many things to do. So much to get ready for. And my friends were throwing me a baby shower in just a few days! I couldn't leave now.

"I can't go to Germany NOW!" I finally sputtered.

"I don't think you are going to have a choice," John had said.

"Can they wait until after the baby shower?"

He just laughed. I guess that was a no.

And that was that. Two days later I was on a plane, breathing through contractions, showing every desk clerk and attendant the letter from my doctor giving me permission to travel, and trying to make sure that our first daughter was born on German soil.

She will be. And I'll be a pro at Germany by the time this is all said and done.

I have learned a lot about the area and the Base. I can get myself around Base and off-Base with the help of the what-in-the-world-did-we-do-before-a-GPS Garmin. (GPS' aren't really useful in Turkey since so much of the country isn't available yet on the programs.)

I'm making the best of our time here. In fact, the boys started swimming lessons today.

And I am now on the countdown (30 days) until Abigail is here (at most.) I'm actually praying, after all this, that she doesn't wait until her "scheduled" date: July 18th. I am hoping she at least comes a few days earlier. If you could join me in that prayer, I'd greatly appreciate it as I would love to take the rotator back to Base with JB and the boys near the end of July, and we have to have her passport here in order to do that. If she waits until the 18th, it is unlikely that Abigail and I will be able to leave Base with the rest of the fam. We'll have to hang out here for a few extra days while we wait for her to be official.

And I'd like to fly back with them.

Not that I'm planning of course. I've learned better than to think that any of my life is within my control! God has it figured out, and I need to chill out.

When will I learn?

A bit of fear

***This is a pregnancy-intensive post with a look back at my delivery of Elijah. If this is too sensitive for anyone reading due to infertility or child loss, please just skip over and come back tomorrow for something different. I had some things I wanted to admit and get off my chest and so I did, but I wouldn't want to hurt anyone in the process.

*****

Reason #1252 for being married to my husband: he can successfully talk me down off of most any cliff.

I only wished he would have been there late at night when I decided to venture up that cliff. Would have saved me a lot of fret.

I'm not sure what set off aforementioned fret. A movie I guess. I was watching In America and it discussed the perils of grief: losing a child, a child born too early, a friend's death.

After the movie was over, and I had turned off one of the four flat-screen televisions that we have in our little condo (seriously!), I found myself flashing back. Suddenly I was back in the operating room awaiting Elijah's arrival. JB was by my side, but as you would expect, was watching the physicians performing the operation a bit more than a normal husband might have been.

I laid in bed in the dark and before I knew it, I was crying. I don't cry easily or often, and thus, the tears surprised me.

I have such vivid memories of January 31, 2009. I felt tugging. I heard muffled words between physicians. A nurse went running from the room. No crying. Something about meconium. Still no crying. John left my side. He came back. He left again. Still no typical baby sounds. Was that the word intubation? John came back again. I caught his eyes in my own. "Is he okay?" I mouthed.

And then I was yelling. "Tell me he is okay!" I could only see my husband's eyes behind the surgical mask, but in a moment I saw what he couldn't say. My rock. My husband. He was afraid. No. He was terrified. He was trying to formulate words of comfort, but I could tell that there weren't any. He couldn't say anything to me.

That was when things started to go a bit foggy. I began to pull at my arm restraints. I was yelling. Screaming maybe. I am not sure. I heard the anesthesiologist ask if she should give me something. She should someone said. I think it was John. I think she asked him what he wanted to give me. And I remember seeing him shake his head out of the corner of my eye. He needed to just be the husband. The father. Not the doctor. So she made the decision herself.

Something cold laced my IV. Things started spinning. I fought it. I wanted to stay awake. I wanted to know Elijah Luke was okay. Everyone in the room knew the journey to this child. Five years of infertility treatments. A miracle. Suddenly. If he died ... If he died, I would die. How, after all we had gone through, could God give us a miracle only to take him back again? I already felt anger toward God welling up inside me. Deep down inside, both John and I had admitted that we couldn't picture this baby every coming home. It seemd impossible to us that we would bear a child genetically related to the two of us.

It was in those moments that I thought of Isaac. Blonde. Blue eyed. Our eight month old adopted son at home with friends. I would survive for him. He would keep me from going to sleep and never waking up again. If this is how it was going to be -- if a day of labor would result in a c-section and a child that I would never hold alive, I would get out of bed tomorrow morning for no one other than Isaac.

I begged one of the doctors on the other side of the sheet for more information. I knew her. She was our friend. She gave me a clichéd response that I knew she and my husband had learned in medical school. "They are working on him. They are doing their best."

John kept moving back and forth. The drugs kept trying to work. I kept fighting them. The room would go black and I'd force my eyes open again. "Go to sleep," John would say. The doctor on the other side of the sheet would say. The anesthesiologist would say.

I would not. Not until ...

A cry. I heard a cry. Soft at first. Louder. Louder. Louder. Suddenly John was back by my side, the camera in his hands and a photo on the screen. I asked what it was. It was our son he said. He was okay. "Do you mean it?" I asked over and over and over again. He nodded. His eyes, still the only part emerging from behind the green surgical mask, shining with life. More crying. More smiles -- only with our eyes. Elijah was alive.

I slept.

Later my doctor, who had been doing resuscitation on Elijah, admitted to us that she too had been afraid. "I had a few moments that I thought this miracle child was going to die on my watch," she admitted.

How do I prevent that fear from rooting itself as I prepare to enter the operating room for the second time?

The fear extends behind the operating room. Time passed and I was wheeled into recovery. I was bleeding. More than I should. I was asked if I would approve of a blood transfusion. I would. How could I not? They needed to give me medicine to stop the bleeding. I agreed. But something was wrong. I was supposed to have an epidural in place. And yet I was feeling pain. And then doctor after doctor after doctor after doctor (yes, it was at least four times) had to climb up on top of me and push on my stomach to try and stop the bleeding in my uterus. The stomach they had just cut open. I was screaming. Crying. It is the first time in my life that I can say my pain on that little scale they always ask you about hit 10. It was twice as bad as the labor I had travelled through the day before. I was panicking. What if I had to go back into surgery? I had no idea where Elijah was. I was in a fog.

And then it was over. And then I was asleep. I woke up. I ate. And then my appetite dissapeared. A few hours later I would spike a fever. An infection of my uterus was the likely culprit. Endometritis. Then, from there, my bowels shut down. An illeus was observed via xray. When I was finally discharged from the hospital a week later, I had developed another infection: mastitis. I cried on the way back to the hospital, so desperate to not go back into that place so soon. This was followed up just a few weeks later with a diagnosis of: C-diff. Unfortunately, it did not respond to the first antiobiotic. A second antiobiotic was started, and finally, I could begin recovering without complication.

Last night, I told JB the entire story via skype from Germany to Turkey. Told it to him as if he hadn't heard it the first time. I admitted that I was scared. Scared of losing Abigail. Scared of feeling that sort of pain again. Scared of a recovery like last time.

And that's when he talked me down off the cliff. He reminded me that things were different this time. There would be no day of labor. There would be no drugs prior to the drugs used right before surgery. The complications I faced at Eglin were random. Unusual. There was no way everything that happened last time will happen again this time.

And I believe him.

I know I am not the first person to fear a repeat event in their life. I know the Lord has my life in the palm of His hand. It's just that ... when I see Elijah, I can't help but wonder what it would have been like to not see him now. When I see Isaac, I can't help but wonder What if Bri had not chosen us? What if we had not said yes? I know this is just fear. But I feel it.

I'm no longer on that cliff. I feel differently now. Talking to my husband does that for me. He gave me the facts. He encouraged me and reminded me and made me laugh and told me I'm irrational sometimes. He's right. And so I enter week 35 today ... the goal of week 34 now a memory with the knowledge that Abigail is healthy and safe and that she will be okay if she is born now. And she will be okay if she is born at 39 weeks. And I will be okay.

And God is in control.

K-town Zoo!

After the trip to L&D on Saturday evening, I found myself granting myself a little more freedom. If those contractions weren't causing labor, what would? During the nearly three weeks I have spent here in Germany, I have limited my walking/exercising in fear that labor might result. But now, at 33 weeks, I felt a bit of release. I was going to take the boys to the zoo with Veronica on Monday, but the weather indicated Monday would be a rainy day. So, I woke up on Sunday, and decided to head out solo with the boys as Veronica had slept very poorly and wasn't feeling up to adventure. (On a sidenote, I have been debating finding a church here to attend on Sunday mornings. I am not sure I want to introduce the boys to a new nursery during such a short time away.)

Our stroller fits into our "new" rental car which is why we had put off the zoo during the last few weeks. The only difficulty was the fact that our GPS is only speaking in German. I need to get back to the rental car place and talk to them as it says we need a CD to get it to English, but the said-CD (in the glove compartment) won't go into the CD player. Anyways. A tangent. But I say all that to say that I had to try to gather where I needed to go based on the line on the screen, not the voice talking to me.

A short fifteen minutes later though, I arrived, and the boys and I had a wonderful morning. It only cost $6.50 (Euroes) for me to get in. The boys were free. It was a very small zoo, but we still had a wonderful day -- just the three of us. Since I was by myself, I didn't take a lot of photos, but here are a few that I managed with my small, more compact camera. They aren't Veronica-level, but I was happy with my effort.

Can you believe I managed a photo of them together, holding hands (which I asked them to do) and both "sorta" looking at the camera. No small feat. I did try to get them onto the bridge behind them in this photo, but we finally compromised on the rock they are standing on here.

Elijah showing off his treasures. He walked around with that yellow flower during the second half of the day. He also got very attached to these pine cones on one branch as well.

I don't think they really know how to "put your arm around each other." This was the result. We'll have to work on that.

We fed the goats (and I got my foot majorly stepped on!), saw the zebras, chased the birds (and laughed as Elijah started crying and running in fear when the bird decided to turn around and chase him), ooohed at the peacocks, played on the playground, and enjoyed a snack of choice on the way out. (Isaac chose ice cream. Elijah chose a lollipop. Quite a usual selection.) (We also visited the restroom with Elijah about a half dozen times. Man that kid has to go a lot!

I had such a fantastic time with both of my boys that morning. But I was nagged by two separate emotions. The first was that I missed JB terribly. He would have loved to be there with us. So many times I said, "I don't know what that is called. Daddy would be able to tell us."

The second emotion was that this baby, while incredibly welcome to our family, will change us. We will not be who we are now anymore. There will be another child in the family. I won't be able to just say, "the boys" anymore. I'll have to say "the kids." I am excited for her to get here but really wanting to enjoy the last few weeks with just me and the boys.

Return Trip

Had to make a return trip to L&D tonight. Not my idea of a fun time. My contractions started coming on top of each other while I was lying down. (I was actually watching the French Open finals and I think missing the end of that match disappointed me more than anything!) Anyways, after a solid hour of 2-3 minute apart contractions that I couldn't talk through, JB (via SKYPE) told me that it was time to call L&D. I was hoping they'd say I could give it some more time at home, but I had to come in. Ugh. Three hours later I was back home -- the results of another fetal fibronectin being negative (leading us to believe we have at least another week with no labor -- good news!)

It was a good trial run for Veronica and myself. She drove me there, and so we could practice where it is, how to get a hold of each other, etc. Not sure what I would do without that girl here -- not only for the help she gives me but for the friendship and conversation with another adult she provides as well.

My new plan: not to go to L&D unless the baby is truly ON THE WAY. They told me tonight that I did the right thing and that if it happens again, I need to do it again. But honestly, I plan to wait a lot longer now that I have proved you can have intense contractions for one hour without any cervical change.

Good job Abigail. Hang tight.

Contractions galore

It's been a very tiring 24 hours. Even though it is the middle of the night in my "USA" world, if you happen to get this, add me to your prayer list. I have made a temporary goal that this little lass will stick around in utero until at least 34 weeks. That's one more week. Once I hit that, I will set a new goal of 36 weeks. But for now, 34 weeks would be great.

I have been having some doozies of contractions since about dinner time last night. I was able to get them to settle down during the Federer tennis match last night but was woken up numerous times throughout the night with them back in full force. Veronica helped me with dinner and bedtime big time, but a 1am wake-up by a trying-to-wear-underwear-to-bed-but-completely-soaked-Isaac and then a 5:30am wake-up by Elijah who despite wearing a diaper wanted to go in the potty didn't help with the rest. I am going to let Veronica sleep a little bit longer and then tag-out so I can go back for a nap.

And this morning, the contractions are still lingering. I do NOT want to have to go into L & D and get hooked up, checked, all to tell me there is no cervical change and go home. So I am waiting. Waiting until I see a significant change in intensity or frequency. Last night, between 7-8pm I had about 15 of them and they got to 2-3 minutes apart and frequent enough that Isaac noticed me closing my eyes tightly and said, "Mom, can you please stay your eyes open?" But then, with rest and relaxation and cold water, I got them to stop before I hit hour two.

A reminder that my L & D rule is no more than 6 an hour for more than 2 hours. Working to keep it that way. Pray please!

Little Good Byes

One of my dearest buds, Stebbs, couldn't have said it better (on her blog) than me. I know I already don't live by my real family. But my friends in Turkey are my surrogate family. And leaving them a month earlier than I was planning on is really hard for me. I mean, really, really hard.

I know I need to be here in Germany. I know this is how it had to play out. This is safest. This is best. This is where God put me. But the fact that I had to leave "my family" one month ahead of time is hard for me. I had it scheduled so I would spend as little time as possible away from home. And now I am going to be here for what feels like an eternity.

Our Base at Incirlik is like so few places on earth. We are just a few hundred people thrown together, forced to live on Base, and living and doing everything together. I miss that little Base. I miss my friends. I miss my doggie. I miss my support system.

Please don't misunderstand. I have everything here I could possibly ask for and more. I have a great place to stay. I have Veronica here to help me. I have both my boys with me. I have beautiful weather. I have transportation. I have great medical care. I have restaurants and a massive BX and Commissary and a library and pool (which opens next week.) Really, I am in want of nothing.

Except my home. My family. I don't want to be here. That's it. There. I said it. I want to go home. I want to be at my home with my "family." I need to get over this. I am here. And I am not leaving until July, maybe August. That is how it is. But if you could pray that my heart accepts what my head knows, I would appreciate it. I need it. I hesitate to write it in fear I sound ungrateful. But my gratefulness is not related to my discontent. If that makes sense?

I know this is probably compounded by the fact that both boys have a doozy of a cold and are under the weather both physically and in their amount of whine and cry and need. I know this is probably compounded by the fact that JB isn't here with us. But he won't be with us for most of our time here. I know I'll feel better when he is here and when my Joni and my Dad and Mom are here. But for now, I need an extra dose of strength. I need an extra dose of peace and comfort and acceptance and just the Lord. Amen.

Incidentals (your participation required!)

• Phone: Yes, we hope to have our magic jack set up here in Germany. I am waiting until JB gets back from England to help me with that. I'll keep you posted. I also do have Skype usable right now.


• Mail: I can receive mail here -- I think I can get my own temporary APO Box eventually. But I also have a friend here who has volunteered to let mail come to her. Just email me at: flakymn@hotmail.com if you want the address. We would love to get mail. Boredom will be our biggest challenge here. Magazines would be great or other little USED toys for boys (match box cars are always a hit or stickers etc.) are very welcome.


• Baby Updates: The last 36 hours, I have had considerably less contractions. As long as things are going pretty "normal", I am going to be putting more of my pregnancy updates back on my "Baby Updates" page. Hopefully this will continue for next 7 weeks or so. You can click on the link under the header on the main page of my blog or you can click here to read them. Anything very important will go on the main page, but small incidentals will be reserved for this page. I will say right now though that I am feeling TONS better than I was a week ago. A week ago I would have told you I felt I was going to deliver any moment. Today, I do not feel that way. Praise the Lord.


• Library Recommendations: I think I'll be reading a lot here. There doesn't seem to be a great selection of Christian fiction writers at the library however. Any recommendations on some other good books that I could check out at the library? Please let me know!


• Book Give-Away: With all the drama of the baby, my book-give-away got pushed to the back burner. Click here to find out the book currently on my give-away list and enter your name in the contest. You can also click on the link under the header.


• Other gifts: People have been asking about other things we "need" for the baby. We really do not need anything, however, I have registered at Target for a few basic things if you want to get an idea of the things we would like.


• Playhouse Disney: We have this station here! At home, TV is limited to an hour a day and we really only watch Sesame Street and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. Any other shows on Playhouse Disney anyone wants to "vouch for" as good for 2-3 year olds?


• Pashminas: Please remember I still have some of these for sale. Click on the link under the header or click here to buy a beautiful pashmina AND support Because of Isaac.


• Because of Isaac: Speaking of Because of Isaac, we are currently just over $10,000. We have set a goal to hit $15,000 by the end of June. This means we need just 50 people to donate $10. Would you consider a $10 donation? You can, of course, give more, but just 50 people is all we need to hit our next significant milestone. Click here to find out how you can donate.


• Follower? Please let me know by clicking on the "followers" on the right side of the page. We are nearing 200! So exciting.

Test is "passed" dude ...

Left house at 6:45am. So proud of myself. With the help of my handy-dandy new GPS best friend, I arrived at Landstuhl at 7:15am. At 7:30 they took my first blood draw. At 8am they told me I was approved to participate in the test. (So happy!) Then I drank a flat soda and at 9am, 10am, and 11am I got stuck again. I'll find out the results sometime today or tomorrow I think. I was worried about not eating for 16 hours, but I did fine. By 3pm this afternoon I had received a call. Not only was the test "passed" but I "passed." With "flying colors" by the way!!!

While I was waiting I watched Say Anything on our portable laptop DVD. So glad I brought that. It really helped the three and a half hours go by faster. This is a 1989 movie with John Cusack. Very sweet. I checked it out at the library. Along with a bunch of books and other videos for the boys. Love the library!

Speaking of movies, last night Veronica and I watched Best in Show after being told by many people I had to see it. Hmmmm .... not sure what the fuss was about. I didn't find it very interesting or even funny. Just dumb. Veronica agreed (and she has a more warped-JB-like sense of humor so between the two of us I think we represent the general public well.)

What did Veronica and her minions do while the Mom was away? Well, sing for one. This is Elijah's new favorite song, thanks to his Veronica.

More good & bad

JB left this morning for England -- especially glad to see that the results of my "Fetal Fibronectin Test" were negative. This test, if negative, assures, with nearly perfect accuracy, that I should not go into labor within a week's time. We were both happy to know that Abigail should be staying put for at least another week and that he go to his Meeting feeling as safe in that as he can.

I did however, fail my 1-hr. glucose screening test. I had done this test at Incirlik before I left but because Abigail is measuring so much larger than they think should, they wanted me to do it again. The fail means that I have to go back tomorrow morning for a 3-hr. glucose test. Ugh! I have to start fasting tonight at 8pm and the test starts at 7:30am which means quite a long time that this pregnant gal won't be eating anything.

I definitely have not been eating as well as I normally do being on the road and just in general in this pregnancy. I haven't been able to exercise consistently either because of (a) appendicits (b) foot injury (c) contractions. So I am a bit stressed right now, feeling that if I do have gestational diabetes it is my fault. I also cannot talk to JB about this which is causing me extra angst.

In addition, Isaac has a sore in his mouth that JB is very concerned about. We remember him hurting his mouth sometime a week ago, but while brushing his teeth last night, Isaac started screaming, and JB found a huge sore up by his gums that appears may be an infection or foreign body (like a piece of a stick or something.) I talked to our friend Deana (who did residency with JB and is stationed here in Germany.) There will be a lot of paperwork to figure out to get him seen here unless I just take him to the ER. So we are trying to work out the details of this.

However, I am really trying to stay positive. While it does seem like my life seems to be swirling amid drama at every turn, I am a blessed woman. I MUST NOT consider throwing myself a pity party.

I even made a list of all the things I am currently thankful for while JB was working on rental car details this morning and the boys were playing at the BX. They include:

• A rental car!!! We got one!!! How wonderful is that?


• My boys are here with a built-in playmate for the entire 2.5 months. So glad they have each other during time away from their home and friends.


• A beautiful park right outside our hotel.


• Access to computer lab (even if there still isn't technology in our building.)


• First-world medicine. I must remember, and never forget, visiting L & D facilities in Nigeria when I was there. I am in a great place with great care. How blessed am I for that?


• Our friend Deana who is helping us with a lot of details here on Base. So glad to know someone.


• Beautiful weather.


• Some contacts via the Ramstein MOPs Facebook page who I can email for questions or information.


• My husband. He is a rock. What a man. The poor guy hasn't stopped working on details and taking care of us since all this drama began just a week ago.


• Veronica. Oh Veronica, how I love thee. Can't even imagine how we would be working things out if she hadn't come into our life a few months ago.


• A comfortable bed in our hotel. I was worried about this. It's wonderful!


• A washer and dryer IN our hotel! Oh how I squealed when I opened that closet and saw those babies.


• Elijah making me smile by calling me "Mom" lately. Not sure when he stopped saying "Mommy" but it just makes me smile when he says, "I hungry Mom."


• A play area at the BX where the boys can play.


• Shane and Linda loving Scrubby while we are gone.


• Isaac and his growing sense of awareness of this world in which he lives. He has recently become obsessed with my growing belly and chest. Yesterday he asked me, "Mommy, is your shirt getting bigger?"


• A Base like Ramstein with a library and video store and restaurants and every single thing I could possibly need.


• Friends back on Base like Angelica and Stebbs who are going to help me today by mailing me things we need and checking the mail for us.

Praise the Lord for all the wonder of my life. Please pray for my fasting test tomorrow. Pray I pass with flying colors! My next regular doctor's appointment will be next Wednesday. Please also pray that Abigail rests in comfortably until then.

More Updates from Germany

I met with the Materal Fetal Medicine Specialist (Dr. M.) early this morning after a short four hours of sleep. We really, extremely, incredibly, liked her. She's a spunky, fun, down-to-earth gal.

Here's where we stand now:

I am going to be watched a little closely for the next few days, but most likely, these contractions, are not associated with labor. It appears I am just contracting, even fairly regularly, with no cervical change. This is what we suspected might be the case in Turkey, but I can't tell you the difference in the care and confidence exhibited by the OB docs and Dr. M. here and how much better we (especially JB) feel about the situation.

She wants me to come in tomrrow for a "Fetal Fibronectin" test. This test, if negative, will basically guarantee that I will not deliver in the next week. (They do not do this test in Turkey so it was not possible to find this out there.) She has also taken me off of my "anti-contraction" medication. It is a high blood pressure medicine and could possibly hurt me (by lowering my blood pressure which then lowers the blood to the planceta) more than help me. If I am not going into labor, but just contratcing, then I should not be on the medicine.

For now, I can resume my normal activities in a calm and normal manner. (Not in a whirlwind-Wendi way.) If I start to feel contractions, I need to lay down for 1-2 hours and attempt to get them to stop with relaxation and rest. As long as I can keep them under 6 an hour for 2 straight hours, I don't have to go into L & D. If they spin out of control, then I'd have to go in and get checked and make sure that labor still has not begun.

For now, we are all praying, planning, and hoping, for a scheduled c-section at 39 weeks. That was the original game-plan and Dr. M. is hoping it stays the game plan. We also go to talk to her about doing a VBAC (vaginal birth after c-section). While we had tentatively decided not to try for a VBAC, we wanted to hear from a specialist on this. She told me that a woman like me, who dilates to 10 and pushes for 3 hours and still can't get a baby out, has a less-than 13% chance of successfully delivering a baby the old-fashioned way a second time, and that, as we were already decided, doing a VBAC is not even slightly recommended. That solidified our decision in that.

She also had me repeat the 1-hr glucose test here as baby Abigail is measuring very large. (Her head is measuring at almost 34 weeks even though I am 31.)

All that said. How am I doing? How are we doing?

We are staying in a guest house off-Base for a total of two nights as Base was completely booked. Tomorrow we will move in a 3-bedroom unit on Ramstein where we will get to stay for the duration of the pregnancy. I have a lot of emotions right now. I really want to be back at my house, with my friends, with my kids in their beds. Receiving good news makes me feel that maybe we could have stayed longer.

But JB reminds me otherwise. We need to be here. This is the best care we can get. JB admitted to me, as soon as the plane landed in Germany, that he was under some major emotional stress while I was in Turkey. Just the thought that myself or Abigail might be brought into a situation where we weren't getting the best care, really bothered him. We needed to go. So we did. Case closed.

I'll talk more on an emotional level later, but for now, hopefully this provides some "update information" for all of you out there. I'll be in touch, of course.

In Germany

We are here. It was an incredibly long day, a very late night, and an extremely early morning so I'll keep this short and sweet and promise more later.

I went to Labor and Delivery last night and saw the physician on-call there. He is having me return today to see their specialist. He does not think I am in immediate danger of delivering, based on the lengtho f my cervix, but obviously no one can predict the future. I was having pretty steady (every 3-5 minute contractions) while they were monitoring me, but there still doesn't appear to be any major cervical change.

We will know even more sometime this morning. (It's nearing 7am here in Germany). I will update when I have more information.