1. This will hurt me more than it hurts you is true. Really true. Two nights ago, I promised the boys a popsicle if they ate a good dinner and behaved during dinner. Isaac was being so disobedient during the entire meal. I gave him even more chances than I should have and finally laid down the law. If he threw his fork across the table again, he would get no popsicle. I warned. He threw. And I stuck to my guns. Oh man did that hurt my feelings. Especially when Elijah wanted his popsicle and Isaac had to just sit there watching him eat a purple popsicle. I felt lousy and much worse than Isaac did I am sure. But I did the right thing as the next night, when I offered the same promise, Isaac said to me, "If I do not obey, I will not get my popsicle. Right Mommy?" He was perfectly behaved last night and got his popsicle without incident. So even though it does hurt me more, following through is valuable.
2. Losing my cool is getting easier to do. Yesterday, I ventured off-Base by myself to an indoor playland I had been told about. The boys had a wonderful time. (And don't worry -- I had a plan in place to take a taxi to the hospital and have Veronica meet me there if anything were to occur labor-wise.) However, my directions were completely reliant on my car's navigation system. That woman telling me where to turn was integral to us getting back to Base once playtime was over. The only thing was, Elijah decided that he wanted to cry. Sob. Yell. Louder than the woman talking. I could not hear what she was saying and could not tell by looking at the screen where she was telling me to turn. I got so frustrated. I made two wrong turns attempting to hear her over Elijah's screams. I really do not yell at the boys much. I have a loud voice, but I don't yell. But I finally just gave up and yelled, "IF YOU DON'T STOP SCREAMING, I CANNOT HEAR THE WOMAN AND WE WILL NEVER GET HOME!" This worked like, not at all, and I felt even worse when thirty seconds later Isaac repeated what I said, in the same tone I had just screamed in, word for word. Lesson learned. Yelling doesn't do any good. And your kids are watching.
3. Fighting is frustrating (especially in the car). While I can pray and hope and beg and plead, I must get it through my thick skull that my Irish twins will be fighting for the rest of childhood. They love to antagonize each other. They love to push and pick and pull and pester. And they REALLY like to do it in the car all of a sudden. While driving, my options are limited. What do I do? I can't punish them. They aren't really old enough to understand future consequences. And I can't give them a time-out. I can't even spank them. There's nothing. Their fights are so impossible to even referee. Take this one for example. Any ideas on how you possibly end this from the front seat of the car?
Isaac: "My name is Ewijah."
Elijah: "No! I'm Ewijah Woop. (Elijah Luke)."
Isaac: "No. I'm Ewijah."
Elijah: "Mom!!" (He's crying hard now.) "I'm Ewijah."
Mom: "Yes, Elijah, you are Elijah. Isaac is just playing with you."
Elijah: "Don't do vat I-Z (Don't do that Isaac)." (Takes his toy lizard with a very stretchy tail and clocks Isaac in the head with the lizard.)
Isaac: (He's crying hard now.) "Mommy! Ewijah just hit me!"
Mom: "Elijah, did you hit Isaac?"
Elijah: "Yes."
Mom: "Say you are sorry to your brother."
Elijah: "Sorry I-Z."
Isaac: "I'm not Isaac. I'm Ewijah."
Elijah: "No!! I'm Ewijah Woop." (Starts crying again and hurls his lizard at Isaac.)
Anyways, those are just a few of the lessons I am learning as a single mom. As always, advice is welcome!
P.S. A very happy birthday to my dear friend from Eglin, Joia. And a happy birthday to my sister-in-law Elizabeth (JB's older sister.) Sorry I am one and two days late for both of you!
5 comments:
Number 1-Ugh. I feel your pain. Now that my kids are older, if they refuse to listen and disobey, they loose out on something important to them in that moment. A treat, going out for ice cream, playing outside an extra hour instead of going to bed. My oldest looses things like going to birthday parties, or bigger items. Its tough, really tough. I feel bad for having them loose out, and of course I get things like "oh, just let them go" but I have realized sticking to my guns is worth it in the end. They learn that if you choose to make bad choices, then you choose to loose out on things that are important to you. Tough lesson for them. Even harder lesson for us to follow through.
The last one I love too. With 5 in the car we ALWAYS have issues. They have to each sit next to each other. We travel A LOT. So the car is our second home. I always hear the "he is touching me" "he hit me" "mommy, owen said, or emma said or olivia said" but I have found distraction works in so many ways.
Since we are on the highway or back roads I will make up little things for them to look at. I will say things like "Guys, did you see that purple hippo with green spots walk across the street?" Or, "Emma, look at the dragon, he is flying right at us" Anything to get them off track of what is going on. I also do this when they are about to fall asleep in the car and we are almost home. At first they looked at me rather oddly. But a few times of making funny things come out of no where. They caught on pretty quickly. Its now our favorite game to play in the car.
I hope this helps. With Irish twins myself. I am already finding myself being the ref between issues I didn't have with the others. Fun times.
Kiley
Consequences are my weakness. I have such a hard time following through. I give chance, after chance, after chance so that I don't have to follow through. I should know better. I have years of experience in behavioral therapy and I know all I'm doing is teaching the boys that if they cry or whine long enough they'll get their way. It's also the hardest type of behavior to extinguish. Now they're 7 and I'm realizing my mistakes. However I was able to quickly potty train my boys by using the same "popsicle" method only I used ring pop suckers. It worked. Mitchell never had another accident and Peter only had a handful after that.
I used to never lose my cool with the boys. Now it seems to happen all the time. Man, they are great imitators. I'm trying really hard to change.
If the boys start fighting in the car (yes, you were right when you said they'll be fighting for a long time) then if I'm somewhere where I can pull over I do. I give them the "we're not moving until you stop fighting" speech. If they're fighting over a toy I take it away. We have a dvd player in the van, so sometimes I'll turn that off. Other times I tell them that I'm not listening and they have to work it out themselves. We use the distraction technique too.
Being a mom isn't an easy job, but I sure do love it.
Bethany
I love these stories! Brings back so many memories of how I thought I was doing pretty well-never raised my voice-that was before 4 kids...then I thought we had it under control in the car-until there was nowhere to separate them-etc. I think this must be around the time when we would pull up to church (after re-hashing "if you'd put your shoes where they belong at night, we wouldn't have this problem and wouldn't be late again")that I would say with tight lips-"Now, we're going into church-so SMILE!"
In retropsect, two things come to mind-one, you're the Mom, kids are kids, period. That's what they do. It's up to us to try and think ahead, plan ahead, etc. And when all that fails, and it will most of the time-because-see #1,then LAUGH!It will totally throw them off base and clear the air (of course they might not like that you are laughing either:)Any kind of distraction is better than losing it-helps keep things as sane as possible.And,after the fact, it usually IS pretty funny:)
But Wendi, you are still doing an amazing job!!
The times when you "lose it" are few and far between and your kids will grow to understand that Mom might not be perfect but she is the perfect one for them:)
love you,
mom k
Oh my, I have a feeling my life is only going to get harder. Grrr, I was hoping THIS was the hard part, because I am barely surviving it now!
I have found that when my boys were really little, I was exhausted. I was on "just stay alive" mode all the time. It was physically tiring. Three babies, three bottles, three diapers, rinse and repeat. I ached physically in my joints from carrying car seats, from bending down and up again many times a day.
Then it was about 2 1/2 or ish it all changed. The exhaustion shifted from physically to mentally. The poking, the questions, the fighting, the taking of toys, the boundaries.
It just changes. A new challenge will come up and you will be surprised, then frustrated working through it, then semi conquer it, then have about 1-2 weeks where you feel good. Then a new challenge comes. Sometimes even old ones come up. It seems never ending.
Now that my boys are 5 I can tell you two sides to this. It is still challenging and frustrating and I have new things all the time I am mentally dealing with them. However, I feel like I have conquered a lot. I am able to look back and use those experiences to encourage myself or help moms with younger kids. It is wonderful to talk to a respected mom of older kids and hear from her how it is only for a season. So good can come out of it!
Or sometimes I give them a drink and snack, put on a show, walk into my room, lock the door and scream into my pillow.
Depends on the day. Or hour :)
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