What I Want the World to Know About ...

... the ministry of foster care!

This is is post #4 in a series of guest blogger posts entitled, "What I want the World to Know About ____." Want to include a post of your own? Click here to find out how.

By: Marie

Marie is a working mama whose passionate about orphan care. She is friends with my online friend Andi. When she was going through infertility, I reached out to her and invited her to my blog. Six years ago, she and her husband J. uprooted from the Los Angeles area and found their new beloved home in Dallas, TX. Since then, they've given birth to their son Logan (4) and found out how miraculous all that was 2 years later when they were diagnosed with severe Male Factor Infertility caused from an injury at birth. Now they have found a calling as adoption-motivated foster parents and have had 8 foster children in the past year. Currently, life is crazy with 2 toddlers and 2 preschoolers, but they wouldn't change a thing.

I Want the World to Know that Foster Care Can Be a Ministry to Biological Parents Too!

Most people (but not everyone!) can appreciate the role good foster parents play in ministering to (or caring for) foster children. Countless times we've been told we're "angels" or "saints" (or crazy!) for what we do for the kids. We're not -- not anymore than a good parent is to their own biological child. Foster parenting is work, but if you love children, want to be parents, and have a heart to do some good in this world it can be such an exciting, joyful experience.

One of the questions I get most freqently as a foster parent is some version of "Do the Biological Parents Know Who You Are?" (I answered that question directly here for those of you who are interested.) What I've learned in talking to people about foster care is that this question typically stems from fear and disgust for biological parents, which if we're all honest with ourselves, most people can understand. Afterall, assuming the state typically does the right thing by removing children from their biological parents in order to protect them, we don't like these people who didn't parent good enough. They abused. They neglected. They made really poor choices. These poor children deserve so much better.

I thought that too. Believe me, as a foster parent who also has a biological child, I have a really hard time with how some of the biological parents out there can make the choices they make. I've seen a parent miss their child's first birthday while on a cocaine binge. I've seen a parent subject their infant to countless invasive and intrusive tests so they can have a warm place to stay (ER) and snacks. I've seen a parent give their child a pill bottle - with pills in it - as a play toy. I've seen a child test positive for post-utero (after birth) hard-core drug exposure. These things break my heart and are unfathomable.

I have had the opportunity to meet the parents involved in all of our cases, both at visits and at courts. What I've also seen is (with only one exception) parents who demonstrate love to their children. I've seen them play and hug and tell their kids how much they love them. I've seen them write multiple page letters to the foster parents on the child's daily schedule, down to the specific details of the nighttime routine including "give everyone a kiss goodnight" and "play tickle monster (like this...)". I've seen them insist the child doesn't have juice and check their teeth on every visit to make sure good dental hygiene is happening. I've seen them cry tears of genuine devastation when their kids call me mommy in front of them and when the court tells them each time that they face the risk of losing their children forever if they screw up. If I didn't know the other stuff, if I ran into them at the park or the grocery store, I would probably think these are loving parents just like you and me. Don't get me wrong, their actions are inexusable and reprehensible, but there is no doubt that they love their children deeply.

I started out fearful of meeting parents. I wanted to keep our family safe. I didn't want them to see me, or my car, for fear that they'd be some sort of monster and track my license plate down to our home and find me there and break down the door. The first time I met a parent, I saw a dad -- of the shaved head variety, lots of tatoos, without a shower, missing several teeth, and smoking a cigarette outside -- I was scared. He was someone I would have avoided on the street (and for good reason it turned out with his criminal record). But within 10 minutes my heart was changed. Quickly I was able to answer his questions about his children -- how they were eating, sleeping, playing, cared for, etc. -- and I could instantly see the relief in his eyes. He may not have been able to make good decisions for his kids, but I could see that he was relieved that they were safe. That day he asked the caseworker to stop looking into relative placements because he wanted the kids to stay with me. He said he liked me.

I've gone on to build quality relationships with most of the biological parents we've come in contact with. Though I'm still very careful to not share any personal information or jeopardize the safety of my family in anyway, I've reached out to them as human beings who are hurting and need to be loved on. I try my hardest not to show my feelings about their actions (like when one parent told me their child had an allergic reaction to strawberries when they gave one to her at 3 months old, or when one parent told her daughter to bang a gatorade bottle on my chair to bug me on the way home from a visit). I've had the opportunity to be a coach, a mentor, and a friend to some of these people who appear to desperately need someone to come along side them and cheer them on toward victory. I've setup anonymous email accounts and websites and with caseworker permission allowed the parents to contact me when they have questions or provide them with pictures from special events. I've made them mother's day presents. I've seen how much it means to them and their journey to have someone who believes in them.

I'll be honest with you. I can't say I've had a single "successful" case where the parents became perfect, got better, and were a perfect family. All of my cases so far have ended in termination of parental rights. I don't have control over the parents' decisions and actions and I don't have a false belief that I can "love them" to get better. What I know is, without a doubt, the best chance they have is if they have someone who partners with them during this time to show them how parenting can be done well, and who best than the people taking care of their children. Maybe we can be an example. Maybe we can be someone they trust and that enables them to take the time they need to genuinely "get better". Maybe they can see that they can see a good example of parenting and decide that an alternative home is really best for their kids. Maybe, just maybe the things we do can have an eternal impact on these parents.

These people, are people Christ died for just as much as He died for me. If He can love them, I need to try too, whether it makes me comfortable or not. That is, after all, what ministry is all about.