Winter Jam 2026

Abigail and Isaac are at Winter Jam in Knoxville this evening. Abigail went with her dear friend Reagan and her mom Staci. Isaac went with his buddy Charlie. 

Understanding Nervous System Recovery

(Part 1 of ___). I have no idea how  

Today, I am PINK. 

• RED is bad.
• YELLOW is okay. (I still feel pretty lousy at yellow).
• GREEN is good. (But I'm still not "Wendi").
• PINK is "WENDI IS HERE."

Today, Wendi is HERE. 

To be honest, I have had very little, if any PINK in eight months. Limited. To feel that today feels absolutely amazing. It is an encouragement to me that I am inside of me! Sometimes I start t fear I'll never feel me again.

The problem is, it is so so hard to remember these things when I am RED or even YELLOW. 

More and more, John and I are realizing that very few people discuss this nervous system recovery stuff. They discuss anxiety. They discuss depression. They discuss panic attacks. But this state that I am in is rarely if ever discussed. 

I've been feeling like I need to try to explain it more. To put it into words. But as I attempt to do so, it becomes quite apparent why no one talks about this. It's HARD to explain.  

Basically, I am in a season of "recovery." Our systems carry the weight of everything we've experienced over time -- not just the obvious busy days, but the patterns and habits we've built over the years. For me, this pattern was a way of numbing and coping. I numbed pain (although I had NO idea) by staying very busy, keeping people happy, doing things for others, and never slowing down. Like, ever. 

Why did I do this? Because feeling emotions wasn't safe for me. People do this for various reasons, but in my case, feeling became too painful. So I figured out ways to not feel. It's crazy to think I did this. But I did. And we can do it for a long time. But sometime (usually in your 40's) the attempt becomes too much. 

It's at this point that people turn to unhealthy behaviors. They scream at their kids. They lash out. They drink earlier and earlier in the day. They do drugs. They numb with social media. They eat. They sleep too much. In my case, I didn't do these things (much) so mine started coming out in migraines. It also came out in depression during my pregnancies. 

Now, I am attempting to recalibrate. I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE THAT WAY ANYMORE. I am not allowing myself to do some of the things I did previously to "numb" my hard emotions. For me this means not scrolling, not over-eating, not checking in with people to make sure everyone is okay, not "doing" for people just to make myself feel better. No dopamine hits. Of course, I'm not perfect at this, but it's what I'm attempting to do. 

Some immediate improvements: 

• I've lost 60 pounds. 
• I have no more headaches. Like barely any. Ever. 
• I rarely yell. 
• I am much more open to my husband or kids correcting my behavior and pointing out, "Hey Mom, you are kind of starting to do the thing." I am way less defensive. 
• I don't think anyone is "trying to make me feel stupid" or "telling me what to do" or "judging me." Those were defensive measures that my body was remembering. They weren't true.  
• I am limiting scrolling.
• I am narrowing my circle. 
• I am trying to be okay with people deciding they don't like me or like what I have to say and accept that I am not everyone's cup of tea.  

However, doing these things takes a LOT of work. And that takes a LOT of energy. It also means I have to limit potential "triggers." I really hate the word "trigger" but I can't afford to sit and watch a movie that reminds me of all kinds of hard things in my life. It will take too much from me emotionally to do that.  

Here was my previous life strategy. Again, this was not a conscious decision, but it was what was happening. 

1. Be the nicest person I possibly could. 

2. Do lots of things for people so that if I did mess up, they would pay attention to the deposits I had previously made.  

3. Never tell people what I really thought unless it was "safe" to do so. Just keep giving. Let them keep taking. Don't confront. EVER!

4. Allow people to take advantage of me, not respect my boundaries, and treat me poorly (To be honest, very few people in my life did this. It was a very small handful of people, but I let that handful take up way too much of my priority.)

5. Check in with all my people regularly to make sure we were "okay."

6. If, by any chance, despite doing #1-5, someone got upset at me, I would apologize profusely. I would take full blame. I would self-depricate and blame myself (yes, this would include lying and manipulation) in order to assure that they forgave me. 

7. Beg for forgiveness. 

Please note that these behaviors I was "doing" were incredibly: selfish, manipulative, and dishonest. I am not proud of them, but I felt they were necessary to keep me alive and safe.   

Okay, so now, I'm not "allowed" to do this anymore. This means that if I have to be who I am. I have to speak truthfully (even if the person gets upset). I can, of course, choose to not engage with someone. And I am learning how to do that. But in general, , I have to not FAWN all over people.

I'll give you example. 

This past week, I had a very minor thing happen. Someone called me and asked a question. I had to tell them we were not participating in their activity. 

Afterwards, I was incredibly tempted to follow that up with an additional text where I praised them and said I was sorry and made all kinds of excuses for why we were not participating. Much of this would be "sort of truthful." But a lot of it was painting things to make sure "we were okay."

Instead, I sent NO texts.

This means I have to sit there in my discomfort and feel. I have to remember past events in my life and hard stories and uncomfortable feelings that mimicked this. (I don't try to, but my brain just brings them up.) I have to talk to my truth tellers and ask them to remind me I am doing the right thing. 

For people who are not people-pleasers (like my husband!) this seems ridiculous. Seriously? All of that work? Isn't that exhausting?!

YES
YES
YES!!!!

And because my body is in such a flux right now, it takes a lot out of me. 

Okay, if I am being honest, writing this post has taken a lot out of me. So, in sticking with me learning what I need, I am going to stop it now. I'll return when I have more space to share more. 

Oh and this process I am in? It won't last forever. But it lasts ... for now. I hope to have more and more and more pink until the point where it is the dominant color. However, I still have to accept that I am a human who WILL have bad days. I never accepted those before. I thought they meant I had done something wrong if I was struggling. 

And you may notice this post doesn't discuss GOD or my faith at all. That is a whole 'nother level. ALL OF THIS INCLUDES JESUS. But I'll save that to discuss at a later date.  

No. I am a human.

Whew. More learning. Always learning. 

Here is a good video to help understand this. 

Here is another. 

And one more. 

 

 

 

Thursday Truth

Life update

We are STILL getting clobbered by weather. Overnight there was rain, then a drop in temps, and then more snow. John made it into work today, but the boys college classes were closed until 11am. It just keeps coming. I'm really ready for January to be over. 

I'm really ready for this "process" that I've been in to be over too. Healing your nervous system is so incredibly, unbelievably, terribly slow. Two steps forward, one and a half steps backward. Over and over and over again. 

All of this began for me in January of 2024. I had a ten month window that I felt really good, but now I've been on this struggle bus since the summer of 2025. Eight months! How long Jesus? How long? 

The thing is, I am learning how to suffer with Jesus. I never knew how to do that. I always saw emotion: sadness, disappointment, grief, etc. as bad and so I pushed it away and didn't sit in. I'm learning to sit in it. But it is SOOOO uncomfortable. 

I am so limited in what I can do. I can't spend the time with friends that I would like to. I have to be so deliberate in what I do and in making sure that I am taking care of myself first. And then my family. 

I want SO badly to be through this. Oh if there was a magic pill, I would take it. It actually makes me understand why people: do drugs, drink, overeat, scroll, sleep too much, etc. All of those are coping mechanisms to not feel this YUCK. Feeling it is nearly unbearable, and if I could take a shortcut, I would be SOooooo tempted to do so. 

One day at a time Sweet Jesus, but I long to be on the other side of this. 

And on the other side of January too. 

Big snow

Biggest snow in 30 years!! And today it was -4!! Brutal cold. Been at home since Friday. Co-op cancelled for second week in a row. 

Raven in the snow

Here are few fun videos of Raven in the snow yesterday. We had eight inches!

Raven #1 

Raven #2 

Raven #3 

Snow storm!

We were supposed to have a snowstorm last weekend, and while we did get some ice, we got barely any snow. That is not the case one weekend later. We need to go out and measure, but I would guess we've had close to 8 inches of snow? Here's what it looked like this morning after snowing for about 12 hours:

 

And here is a video of our sheep. We rarely do hay, but the snow forced our hand on this one. 

My Abigail

This was my Abigail. I remember being so confused by how clingy she was, but I am so glad I got a hold of a good book (The Highly Sensitive Child) and John helped me to see how important it was to just let her be who she is! She is barely a remnant of that shy little girl! Oh how I miss her clinging to my leg. 

My best friend turns 50!

 

My husband is truly the greatest man I know. I am so incredibly blessed that he chose me. That he fought for me (when I wasn't sure I wanted to marry him!) and that he loves me without end. 

We have been in a hard place off-an-on during the last two years as I have been healing and retraining my brain. It has been harder than infertility, our home renovation, living overseas, four children ... you name it. Hardest thing we've ever done. 

But he's been a HUGE part of my healing. I have learned about coregulation (needing another person to help settle your system) with my husband and have been teaching my children the same thing! So much good is coming out of this journey. 

And today, my husband turns 5-0! FIFTY? How is that even possible?! 

I love you I love you I love you I love you John Mark. Happy birthday! 

Helping your child through hard times (with Kim Anderson)

I attended an online conference with my counselor, Kim Anderson. I wanted to share the notes here.  

When your child experiences rejection or is upset, they are pushed outside their WINDOW OF TOLERANCE.  It is the place where we are regulated. Where we can operate in the FRUIT OF THE SPIRIT. When your kids are calm, they are in their WOT. We can receive feedback objectively, and we don't flip out. 

But, life happens. They freak out. This is HYPERAROUSAL. (Anxiety lives here.) Move with them. 

When they blog their window, they are in HYPOAROUSAL. (Depression lives here.) Sit with them. 

What do they need when their thinking brain is offline? We want to fix the problem. But that's not what they need FIRST. They first need us to coregulate and help them regulate their systems. If we are out of our WOT, then they are out of their's.  

They key is that we stay calm. 

1. REGULATING -- Imagine your child failed a test. Instead of solutions, say, "I can see you are really upset." Just be present with them. We don't have to solve it in that moment. Our presence and our calm is what helps them. Be present with them.

2. CONNECTING -- we all come into the world looking for someone looking for us. This is attunement. They need us to be present with them. If we jump into fix-it-mode, we are sending them a message that we don't think they can handle it. We are trying to send a message that we can handle their big emotions. 

Here are things we can say:

• "I can see tears. Something really hurt today, didn't it?"
• "Your eyes are so sad right now. Come here."
• "You  don't have to tell me. Just know I see you."
• "Something happened that feels big. I'm right here with you." 

Try a thirty-second-pause

Just be with them. Get on a physical level with them (sit on the floor if they are on the floor.) Match their energy NOT their panic. Be present without words. And sit in silence. And don't let your own WHAT IF'S start kicking in. Listen more than you talk. 

When they say, "This person was mean to me," don't say, "Yeah, she wasn't a good friend anyways." Instead try, "I can hear what you are saying. That would really hurt." 

3. STRENGTHENING -- build resilience without dismissing their pain. Once they're calm and connected, help them see their own capacity. Validate that it's hard AND remind them they've handled hard things before. This isn't about toughening them up or rescuing them -- it's about reflecting back their strength while honoring their struggle. Validate the hurt and help them reflect on their own capacity. This doesn't usually happen in the same conversation. It takes about 20 minutes to get back into regulation. We often try to fix things whenever everyone is dysregulated. We can't do that then because their thinking brain is offline, and they are not using logic. 

Strengthening is about: 

• reflecting on their past success.
• helping them identify what they CAN control.
• Normalizing struggle as a part of growth. 

Resilience is not the absence of pain. It's the capacity to move through pain and learn from it. And it's knowing we aren't in that pain alone. We're helping our kids build resilience. We build this by being present through the hard moments, not by preventing them or minimizing them. And by reflecting back their capacity once they're ready to see it. 

 

Listening

 

Will I ever be DONE?

The bravest, hardest version of healing —is the kind where you feel instead of flee.

More of Jesus

This was me

 

This was me. I had been with my husband for two dozen years and suddenly I had anger coming out of me -- toward my husband and toward my children. I had NEVER been an angry person. Where in the world was it coming from? I honestly was blaming him and probably would have continued to do so -- until the Lord knocked my legs out from under me. I was also living with daily and debilitating migraines that no doctor or medication had been able to touch. 

 

I had had friends try to point out some of the behaviors they were witnessing, but I could NOT see these behaviors as a problem. Do all the things and keep everyone happy and be super nice to everyone and never say 'no.' Why were those bad things? 

 

It is so hard to see your own dysfunction because the behaviors seem SO normal to you. When someone doesn't hear your well-meaning words, remind yourself that God is bigger. God got a hold of me despite me not listening to the people who tried to help, and I am healing in AMAZING ways! I couldn't hear it from my friends or even my husband but that didn't stop God!

 

Today I rarely feel anger toward the people I love. And the migraines I lived with for nearly all of my adulthood are COMPLETELY gone! (Like, seriously, I NEVER get headaches anymore. Kind of crazy.)

You MUST heal if you want to really live. I'm still healing, and it is the hardest thing I have ever done. But I can't imagine ever returning to that Wendi we saw peeking her head out in 2022. Never again.

 

P.S. And part of my journey includes KNOWING that the Lord is calling me to share truth with people and that they won't like it. That is TERRIFYING for a people-pleaser so God and I are still working on that one. It'll take some time.

Trust (I’m trying!)

Exodus

We just finished the Exodus ballet. I need to upload some photos of the show. It was my favorite show in the tennish years we have been doing shows!

The Finale!

This was one of the greatest scenes!

Hannah as an Egyptian servant

 

Here he is with Walker (who also worked backstage this year)

 

Sidge did the backstage work again

Lotsa friends from ballet

And there is Johnna Beth too!

Abigail's good friends Ella and Reagan helped backstage.

With Tristan

With cousin Eoin

With Ms. Leslie (our piano teacher)

With Ms. Leslie (our piano teacher)

Tijmen’s Wedding

I plan to snag a few more but got this professional picture back!!

Triplets (with a loss)

Okay… this is crazy!

This is Florence… I was going to process her because she had FR (pink 71)… who died. So tiny.

Turns out, she was PREMATURE!

We thought Florence looked like she may have had twins, but she never had another one.

She didn’t have twins… she had triplets!

But she delivered one 10 days early on 31 December.

Then this morning… she had twins this morning!

What breaking people-pleasing really is ...

The two videos below will be discussed further in my post so read-on to see what the heck they have to do with people-pleasing! 

 I can't share all the stories on this journey. I don't want to hurt people or share other's people "stuff." 

But here is a story I can share. 

I manage my friends, Shane and Linda's AirB&B. They live in Germany. And I try to handle everything here for them. In exchange, I can use their place a few weeks a year for free. It's super helpful since we don't have a very big house and really don't have a good place to put guests. 

We currently have 73 (seventy-three!) 5-star reviews! We haven't had a single review under 5-stars in the three years they have been hosting. 

Pretty good track record I would say. 

Today we had a guest check-out, and when she left her message to us, she seemed fairly disgruntled. Her complaints seemed overboard and a bit picky. She also said she didn't want to tell me during her week-long stay because she didn't want to be bothered by me coming in to fix things. So she doesn't say anything is wrong while she is here. And then when she checks out, she tells me all the things she didn't like. 

(Mind you, we had another guest who checked out right before her who didn't mention any of the things that she is mentioning.)

I can instantly feel, inside my body, dysregulation. Now this is a word I didn't even really understand prior to February of 2024 when my body shut down on me and I didn't know why and an amazing counselor helped me uncover the chronic anxiety I was living with. Two decades of migraines were gone in a matter of weeks as I stopped trying to "hold it together" and instead started "letting it all fall apart."

This means, that prior to February of 2024, when events like this occurred, I rarely even felt dysregulation. 

How is that possible? How did I not feel something that is now devouring my body? 

Three reasons:

1. I numbed the sensations with anti-depressants because I could not function without them. (And please note, this is not a slam on anyone who is using medicine. I used it for a very long time and do not think I could have functioned without it at the time.)

2. When dysregulation would start to come in, I had massive strategies of coping in place to get through the sensations quickly. These included: frantically apologize, profusely groveling, do everything I could to fix the situation, etc. I also would stay very busy. Be the nicest person I could be. Don't stop and sit and think. Keep moving. Keep doing.  

3. I had no idea how to get rid of the emotions so I shoved them all down and stored them in my body! 

All right so now I have removed those things from my life. I am not using medications. And I am not allowing myself to behave the way I have in the past. And, I am not storing sensations in my body. I am allowing the sensations to GET OUT. 

(This has been a two-year process of learning. It sounds really simple. But it is super hard to learn and actually implement. It's been harder than anything I have ever done in my life.) 

Now, pay attention here. I knew that Shane and Linda would not judge me for this lady's disgruntled review. They have repeatedly made that clear. They are expecting, at some point, to get a review that isn't stellar. (We can't see this lady's review yet, but I am guessing it won't be 5-stars.) I also knew that we have had 73 good reviews! There is no way to maintain perfection forever. I know that as well. 

So what are these feelings in my body? Adrenaline running through my arms and legs and neck and face. I'm getting hot. My heart is beating faster. My body is saying very clearly, "WE ARE NOT SAFE! PLEASE SAVE OUR LIFE!"

I am the impala in the opening video. I am being chased. I am being killed. I am being eaten.  

Only, I am safe. Even if Shane and Linda were mad, that would not kill me. A terrible review would not kill me. And yet my body is reacting as if there is a bear about to eat my child. 

Why am I responding this way? 

Because at some point in my past, I created this strategy to keep the dysregulation at bay, and this was the way I learned to live. 

And now? Now?  And what must I do in response NOW that I now better? 

Here's where this healing journey gets SO SO HARD. 

I MUST DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. 

Oh I sent a very short and sweet response to the guest. And I let Shane and Linda know where things stood because they own the home and deserve that. But I cannot grovel. I cannot apologize for something I did not do wrong. I must simply allow the discomfort to be there, and I must sit in the discomfort. 

Arggggghhhhhh!!!! 

This concept was completely foreign to me. Most likely, sometime in my very young childhood years, I begin to put into place the practice that kept me alive for four decades. I read the room. I watched people's faces very carefully. I needed everyone to be happy and everyone to get along and no one to be mad at me. 

Why? 

Well, because I did not know what to do with my own emotion. I had no idea what to do if I felt scared or lonely or sad or sick and so I needed to not feel any of those things. And if I could avoid feeling these emotions, then I could be okay. 

The impala and the polar bear in the opening videos knew better than me. Once that crap (adrenaline) gets into your body, get it out! Shake it out! Don't let it stay there. You can't just get up and pretend it didn't happen. YOU HAVE TO TAKE THE TIME TO RECOVER! 

This evening, my youngest child got very dysregulated when we got home from helping load up trucks for the ballet company. She was exhausted, and she couldn't figure out how to get all of her things in the house in one trip. (I suggested two trips, but at this point, she was already quite upset and nothing was going to be welcome as a suggestion.)

I encouraged her to go up to her room and calm down a little bit, and while she was in her room, I heard her scream at the top of her lungs. 

And you know what I did?

I went into her room calmly and peacefully and told her I was PROUD OF HER. "That's great that you figured out a way to get the icky stuff that you feel inside to come out on the outside without hurting someone else or yourself," I told her. 

"Well," she said, "I think I should try to find another way because now I have a sore throat."

We laughed together. But this is something that I didn't understand before this journey occurred. These emotions we feel, from the time we are young, are SUPER important. It is our body's way (God's way!) of helping us clear out the sad and uncomfortable and distressing emotions that are stuck inside of us.  

This means that your child NEEDS TO CRY WHEN THEY ARE SAD. 

This means that you as the adults NEEDS TO CRY WHEN YOU ARE SAD.

You need to yell when you are angry (not at someone else, but safely and in private.) Or if you don't feel like yelling, you need to figure out another way to get that anger out. If you don't dear parent, it will come out at your child. 

Side note: A child should NEVER be yelled at by their parent. EVER! I didn't yell at my kids a lot (but I still definitely did) until about a year before my breakdown. Suddenly I was yelling all the time. At them. At John. At the dogs. The anger inside of me was ridiculous! Where was all this anger coming from?

It was coming from FORTY-SIX YEARS of being shoved down inside of myself instead of coming out!

GET IT OUT!

Be an impala.

Be a polar bear. 

Learn to FEEL your emotions. Sadness? Grief? Anger? Frustration? You are allowed to feel it. 

Here is the truth: If you are dealing with anxiety right now, it is because you have emotion shoved down inside of you. You have not listened to your body. You have repressed your emotion. And it has to find a way out somewhere. Somehow. 

If you are battling anxiety, you only have three choices: 

1. Take medication to cover it up.

2. Numb it/ignore with social media, food, busyness, etc.   

3. Limp your way through it -- battling it on a daily or weekly basis. 

4. Go back and FEEL THE EMOTIONS that lead to the anxiety in the first place. 

In my opinion, #4 is the only way to do this properly. And it will be the hardest thing you ever have to do.

Because basically what I am doing is going back and feeling the grief and the fear and the sadness and the anger that I never let myself feel before. I'm feeling it now. It's in your body right now folks. 

I'm two years into feeling it. And it's getting better. I'm crying less. I'm grieving less. I'm getting angry (in my close by myself) less. The emotions have been coming out. 

Be an impala. 

Be a polar bear. 

AND PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE teach your children how to do these things! I had no idea, and I'm teaching them now. I thought if they cried or were emotional or angry or frustrated they needed to "stop it!"

No, they need to EXPRESS IT!!!!!! (Properly. Not rudely. Not at other people. But their emotions ARE WELCOME ALL THE TIME!)

Okay, that's all I got right now. This post is not my best writing. It's a little all over the place. But it's a lot of things I can't wait to help teach other people. I can't wait to let me good friend sit across from me and scream their lungs out about something from their past that was really hard for them. I can't wait to let them cry in my arms. I can't wait to hear it all. 

God designed us as emotional beings. He designed us for community with others. And he designed us to share these feelings with others. 

Stop pushing it down! Get it out!  

 

The hardness of farming

I don’t know if sheep have a soul, but they do grieve.

This mama delivered a stillborn today.

I didn’t find it until this afternoon.

The mama had perfectly cleaned the baby lamb. 

She stayed with it until I found her. 

Obviously, I couldn’t leave the stillborn in the field, so I scooped it up.

The mama followed me for a moment but then started running around the field looking for her baby, baa-ing constantly. 

She checked all the other lambs. Sniffing. Baa-ing. Move on to the next.

After she made it back and forth a number of times, she stopped searching, but she kept baa-ing. Alone. No lamb returned her call. 

Farming has so many rewards, but sometimes it can be hard. 

Real hard.

(Written by John)