Understanding Your Loops

One of the BIG things I have been working on is how to stop destructive thought loops that I get sucked into. Mine almost always have to do with someone being upset at me or with worry about my kids and their futures -- things I cannot control. Recently, I stumbled upon and old lecture in my online recovery group (Bye Bye Panic) that really resonated with me. It was presented by my mentor, Parag. I really wanted to write down the things he said because thought loops have been a huge thing for me. 

We don't have to continue to live in these loops. That was an incredible concept for me when I learned it. You mean I don't have to keep perseverating over the same thing over and over again? I thought the only way to stop doing that was to take an SSRI. 

Wrong. 

You can get out of them! You really can! 

Understanding Your Loops

The loops are the same for everyone but what catches us is the CONTENT or the BAIT. None of your experience is random. When you are inside of a loop, it is very hard to see it. You start to recognize and see that you are in a LOOP by using the ALARM method. 

Acknowledge: I acknowledge the thought. Oh there it is.

Label: Yep. Good ol' bait trying to catch me again.

Allow: Fine, you can be there. But I'm not going to engage with you.

Refocus: I am going to go back to what I was doing and not lay there thinking about this thought all day.

Move on: Time for something else please. I'm not messing with that. 

Right now it may feel like something new is happening to you. But that is what is tripping us up and keeping us stuck. It's actually the same loop repeating in different forms. When you start to see that, you stop reacting like it needs to be solved. 

It feels real. It feels like truth. This is because it has been rehearsed thousands of times (unknowingly and unintentionally). We've practiced this pattern so much, now it just fires automatically. 

 Sensation --> Urge --> Thought --> Reaction

It feels real because we've practiced it so many times. And so it feels like truth. This is the efficiency of how our minds are designed.

This isn't a thinking problem. This is a REFLEX. This is why engaging with the thought doesn't work. You outgrow it by not participating in it anymore.  What it feels like is that your brain has created a shortcut. Every time something similar happens, it runs the program automatically. Every time you react like it is a real fire, you actually reinforce the thought. 

We believe the thought is beyond noise. We believe it is real and factual. 

What is a loop?  

Something triggers you. Your mind spins some sort of story around it. Your body sends noise that matches the story (adrenaline).  And then we react. And it is that reaction that reinforces it. And that is the loop.

The bait is the specific thing your mind knows will hook you: a relationship, your job, your sanity, your health etc. It's never a random thing. It goes after something you care about like your character or your life or your children.  

Start taking the opportunity to gently reflect and not overthink this. This is not a test. You are just identifying the moment things started to shift in your state the last time you felt intense activation. You want to keep it simple and factual. We don't need to analyze it. We just need to identify the moment things started to shift.  

The content of the thought is the hook. It is the hook that pulls us into our loop. When that happens, a story shows up. This is the story that your mind adds. What if thoughts. Fear based thoughts. It is gearing you up to start to respond or solve or figure it out. 

Can you start noticing what story showed up? And then, look to your body. What did you feel in your body? Did you heart rate increase? Did you feel dizziness or nausea? This is your nervous system matching the energy of the thought and the story that is being spun by your mind from this sensitized state. And ... what did you do next? What is your reaction? 

You don't want to fix it or avoid it or by engaging with the thought. Your reaction teaches something to your system. "Yes, focus on this. Analyze this. Do something about this." Every reaction teaches your brain something. This is how the loop gets stronger and the system keeps firing the same loop again and again and again. 

This is where clarity starts to emerge. Try filling out this chart below: 

Trigger: 

Thought:

Sensation:

Reaction:

Reinforcement:   

Here is a sample of what I might fill it out with: 

Trigger: I am reminded of someone who doesn't like me. 

Thought: I need to fix this somehow. 

Sensation: Body gets "activated" and I feel that tingling all over my body.

Reaction: I really need to fix this. I must try to make this better. 

Reinforcement: Who can I text, call, write, to make this better?

This is how you start separating yourself from the loop. This is how you separate yourself from the story. This happens for all of us. 

The goal is not to STOP the loop. We want to see it CLEARLY for what it is. And then we consciously CHOOSE to not engage with it anymore. This is how we start rewiring -- weakening the loop and creating a new one. 

Any given moment you are either FEEDING the loop or you are STARVING the loop. You can even PAUSE when you are in the middle of an activation and ask yourself: "Am I feeding the loop or starving the loop?"

In the moment, recognize the loop. My nervous system is making NOISE. Allow the sensations to be there. Learning to coexist with the noise and consciously choosing to note engage with the thoughts and to continue with what we were doing in the present moment. 

It will feel uncomfortable. But UNCOMFORTABLE IS NOT UNSAFE! 

Watch, next time this happens, how fast your mind tries to pull you in. Once per day is probably enough. You don't need to perfect this or get frustrated with this. Just practice noticing when you have an experience, after it passes, take a few minutes and map out your lap. You are building AWARENESS. Once you start seeing the loop clearly, you start to see it clearer and clearer and more space is created and you are not automatically, reflexively engaging. You are therefore weakening the loop. Repetition by repetition.  

Don't over-analyze your loop. Don't judge what comes up. There is not a perfect way to do this. This is about seeing clearly. WE ARE JUST BUILDING AWARENESS. 

Disengaging from the loop is how we respond in real time. The next step is learning to RESPOND DIFFERENTLY WHEN IT HAPPENS. This is rewiring in real time. 

Are you feeding it or starving it?

You just gently return to what is in front of you. It will feel wrong because you are opting out of a pattern you practiced for SO LONG. It will feel like: "Is this working?" or "Am I doing this right?" 

In the past, we often practiced THE FIVE F's: Fight, Focus, Fear, Frustration & Fixing

I would want to focus on that thought. I would want to fear that thought. I would want to get frustrated by that thought. Or I want to try and fix it. 

But we don't want to REACT anymore. We want to ALLOW the thought. The observation of our own loops creates choice. When you see this is a loop, you create separation and now you have choice! 

Recognize this is a loop! It is the same loop! This recognition will create separate from the fear of your experience. 

Now let's bring it back to the truth.  

It's uncomfortable. It's unpleasant. But it's not dangerous. Let the heart race. Let the sensations be there. There is no real threat! 

Don't engage in the story. The mind is throwing more bait at you. You don't have to notice it. 

Let the thought pass like background noise. Bring your attention back to what you were doing.  

Step out of the loop.

Step into life.  

This teaches safety. Every time you respond this way, you teach your nervous system that THERE IS NO DANGER!

It will feel uncomfortable. That is expected. But uncomfortable is not unsafe. And that distinction is very important. 

If there is any part of you that is doing this to "feel better," you are still in the loop. "Is this working? Amy I doing this right?" That's just another loop. That's more noise and more bait. That's engagement. That's stepping back inside the loop. 

The goal is not to feel better. The goal is to opt out and reengage with what is in front of you. You don't need to be fearless. Just be willing to feel and not abandon yourself. Lead yourself gently through the noise. The more consistent you are, the system feels safer to follow your actions.  

Are you engaging in the loop or are you engaging in life? (Am I resisting or am I allowing?) 

You don't STOP THE LOOP ... you STARVE THE LOOP!

THIS IS HOW WE REWIRE! 

 

Nervous System Sensitization

 

My husband deals with a lot of people coming into the ER with anxiety-related issues. They think they are dying or having a heart attack, but he can instantly spot anxiety.

 

He would explain to me (and them) that you are either in FIGHT OR FLIGHT .... or you are in REST AND RELAX.

 

Until this "thing" happened to me. I basically got STUCK in the hypervigilant middle. I could NOT turn off the panic system. John watched it and realized ....

 

There is a third category.

 

No one seemed to understand what I was explaining to them. I couldn't turn my system off. I was in a constant state of alarm. I lost 65 pounds.

 

But I am now on my way back! Praise the Lord he provided me with the support and tools to get back into rest and relax.

 

If this is you, you do NOT NOT NOT have to live here. Yes, prayer and trusting God can help, but in my case, I needed some outside resources to heal my nervous system.

 

Please don't give up and think this is just who you are now. This is NOT a way to live.

https://www.facebook.com/byebyepanic

Understanding Nervous System Recovery

(Part 1 of ___). I have no idea how  

Today, I am PINK. 

• RED is bad.
• YELLOW is okay. (I still feel pretty lousy at yellow).
• GREEN is good. (But I'm still not "Wendi").
• PINK is "WENDI IS HERE."

Today, Wendi is HERE. 

To be honest, I have had very little, if any PINK in eight months. Limited. To feel that today feels absolutely amazing. It is an encouragement to me that I am inside of me! Sometimes I start t fear I'll never feel me again.

The problem is, it is so so hard to remember these things when I am RED or even YELLOW. 

More and more, John and I are realizing that very few people discuss this nervous system recovery stuff. They discuss anxiety. They discuss depression. They discuss panic attacks. But this state that I am in is rarely if ever discussed. 

I've been feeling like I need to try to explain it more. To put it into words. But as I attempt to do so, it becomes quite apparent why no one talks about this. It's HARD to explain.  

Basically, I am in a season of "recovery." Our systems carry the weight of everything we've experienced over time -- not just the obvious busy days, but the patterns and habits we've built over the years. For me, this pattern was a way of numbing and coping. I numbed pain (although I had NO idea) by staying very busy, keeping people happy, doing things for others, and never slowing down. Like, ever. 

Why did I do this? Because feeling emotions wasn't safe for me. People do this for various reasons, but in my case, feeling became too painful. So I figured out ways to not feel. It's crazy to think I did this. But I did. And we can do it for a long time. But sometime (usually in your 40's) the attempt becomes too much. 

It's at this point that people turn to unhealthy behaviors. They scream at their kids. They lash out. They drink earlier and earlier in the day. They do drugs. They numb with social media. They eat. They sleep too much. In my case, I didn't do these things (much) so mine started coming out in migraines. It also came out in depression during my pregnancies. 

Now, I am attempting to recalibrate. I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE THAT WAY ANYMORE. I am not allowing myself to do some of the things I did previously to "numb" my hard emotions. For me this means not scrolling, not over-eating, not checking in with people to make sure everyone is okay, not "doing" for people just to make myself feel better. No dopamine hits. Of course, I'm not perfect at this, but it's what I'm attempting to do. 

Some immediate improvements: 

• I've lost 60 pounds. 
• I have no more headaches. Like barely any. Ever. 
• I rarely yell. 
• I am much more open to my husband or kids correcting my behavior and pointing out, "Hey Mom, you are kind of starting to do the thing." I am way less defensive. 
• I don't think anyone is "trying to make me feel stupid" or "telling me what to do" or "judging me." Those were defensive measures that my body was remembering. They weren't true.  
• I am limiting scrolling.
• I am narrowing my circle. 
• I am trying to be okay with people deciding they don't like me or like what I have to say and accept that I am not everyone's cup of tea.  

However, doing these things takes a LOT of work. And that takes a LOT of energy. It also means I have to limit potential "triggers." I really hate the word "trigger" but I can't afford to sit and watch a movie that reminds me of all kinds of hard things in my life. It will take too much from me emotionally to do that.  

Here was my previous life strategy. Again, this was not a conscious decision, but it was what was happening. 

1. Be the nicest person I possibly could. 

2. Do lots of things for people so that if I did mess up, they would pay attention to the deposits I had previously made.  

3. Never tell people what I really thought unless it was "safe" to do so. Just keep giving. Let them keep taking. Don't confront. EVER!

4. Allow people to take advantage of me, not respect my boundaries, and treat me poorly (To be honest, very few people in my life did this. It was a very small handful of people, but I let that handful take up way too much of my priority.)

5. Check in with all my people regularly to make sure we were "okay."

6. If, by any chance, despite doing #1-5, someone got upset at me, I would apologize profusely. I would take full blame. I would self-depricate and blame myself (yes, this would include lying and manipulation) in order to assure that they forgave me. 

7. Beg for forgiveness. 

Please note that these behaviors I was "doing" were incredibly: selfish, manipulative, and dishonest. I am not proud of them, but I felt they were necessary to keep me alive and safe.   

Okay, so now, I'm not "allowed" to do this anymore. This means that if I have to be who I am. I have to speak truthfully (even if the person gets upset). I can, of course, choose to not engage with someone. And I am learning how to do that. But in general, , I have to not FAWN all over people.

I'll give you example. 

This past week, I had a very minor thing happen. Someone called me and asked a question. I had to tell them we were not participating in their activity. 

Afterwards, I was incredibly tempted to follow that up with an additional text where I praised them and said I was sorry and made all kinds of excuses for why we were not participating. Much of this would be "sort of truthful." But a lot of it was painting things to make sure "we were okay."

Instead, I sent NO texts.

This means I have to sit there in my discomfort and feel. I have to remember past events in my life and hard stories and uncomfortable feelings that mimicked this. (I don't try to, but my brain just brings them up.) I have to talk to my truth tellers and ask them to remind me I am doing the right thing. 

For people who are not people-pleasers (like my husband!) this seems ridiculous. Seriously? All of that work? Isn't that exhausting?!

YES
YES
YES!!!!

And because my body is in such a flux right now, it takes a lot out of me. 

Okay, if I am being honest, writing this post has taken a lot out of me. So, in sticking with me learning what I need, I am going to stop it now. I'll return when I have more space to share more. 

Oh and this process I am in? It won't last forever. But it lasts ... for now. I hope to have more and more and more pink until the point where it is the dominant color. However, I still have to accept that I am a human who WILL have bad days. I never accepted those before. I thought they meant I had done something wrong if I was struggling. 

And you may notice this post doesn't discuss GOD or my faith at all. That is a whole 'nother level. ALL OF THIS INCLUDES JESUS. But I'll save that to discuss at a later date.  

No. I am a human.

Whew. More learning. Always learning. 

Here is a good video to help understand this. 

Here is another. 

And one more.