(Part 1 of ___). I have no idea how
Today, I am PINK.
- RED is bad.
- YELLOW is okay. (I still feel pretty lousy at yellow).
- GREEN is good. (But I'm still not "Wendi").
- PINK is "WENDI IS HERE."
Today, Wendi is HERE.
To be honest, I have had very little, if any PINK in eight months. Limited. To feel that today feels absolutely amazing. It is an encouragement to me that I am inside of me! Sometimes I start t fear I'll never feel me again.
The problem is, it is so so hard to remember these things when I am RED or even YELLOW.
More and more, John and I are realizing that very few people discuss this nervous system recovery stuff. They discuss anxiety. They discuss depression. They discuss panic attacks. But this state that I am in is rarely if ever discussed.
I've been feeling like I need to try to explain it more. To put it into words. But as I attempt to do so, it becomes quite apparent why no one talks about this. It's HARD to explain.
Basically, I am in a season of "recovery." Our systems carry the weight of everything we've experienced over time -- not just the obvious busy days, but the patterns and habits we've built over the years. For me, this pattern was a way of numbing and coping. I numbed pain (although I had NO idea) by staying very busy, keeping people happy, doing things for others, and never slowing down. Like, ever.
Why did I do this? Because feeling emotions wasn't safe for me. People do this for various reasons, but in my case, feeling became too painful. So I figured out ways to not feel. It's crazy to think I did this. But I did. And we can do it for a long time. But sometime (usually in your 40's) the attempt becomes too much.
It's at this point that people turn to unhealthy behaviors. They scream at their kids. They lash out. They drink earlier and earlier in the day. They do drugs. They numb with social media. They eat. They sleep too much. In my case, I didn't do these things (much) so mine started coming out in migraines. It also came out in depression during my pregnancies.
Now, I am attempting to recalibrate. I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE THAT WAY ANYMORE. I am not allowing myself to do some of the things I did previously to "numb" my hard emotions. For me this means not scrolling, not over-eating, not checking in with people to make sure everyone is okay, not "doing" for people just to make myself feel better. No dopamine hits. Of course, I'm not perfect at this, but it's what I'm attempting to do.
Some immediate improvements:
- I've lost 60 pounds.
- I have no more headaches. Like barely any. Ever.
- I rarely yell.
- I am much more open to my husband or kids correcting my behavior and pointing out, "Hey Mom, you are kind of starting to do the thing." I am way less defensive.
- I don't think anyone is "trying to make me feel stupid" or "telling me what to do" or "judging me." Those were defensive measures that my body was remembering. They weren't true.
- I am limiting scrolling.
- I am narrowing my circle.
- I am trying to be okay with people deciding they don't like me or like what I have to say and accept that I am not everyone's cup of tea.
Here was my previous life strategy. Again, this was not a conscious decision, but it was what was happening.
1. Be the nicest person I possibly could.
2. Do lots of things for people so that if I did mess up, they would pay attention to the deposits I had previously made.
3. Never tell people what I really thought unless it was "safe" to do so. Just keep giving. Let them keep taking. Don't confront. EVER!
4. Allow people to take advantage of me, not respect my boundaries, and treat me poorly (To be honest, very few people in my life did this. It was a very small handful of people, but I let that handful take up way too much of my priority.)
5. Check in with all my people regularly to make sure we were "okay."
6. If, by any chance, despite doing #1-5, someone got upset at me, I would apologize profusely. I would take full blame. I would self-depricate and blame myself (yes, this would include lying and manipulation) in order to assure that they forgave me.
7. Beg for forgiveness.
Please note that these behaviors I was "doing" were incredibly: selfish, manipulative, and dishonest. I am not proud of them, but I felt they were necessary to keep me alive and safe.
Okay, so now, I'm not "allowed" to do this anymore. This means that if I have to be who I am. I have to speak truthfully (even if the person gets upset). I can, of course, choose to not engage with someone. And I am learning how to do that. But in general, , I have to not FAWN all over people.
I'll give you example.
This past week, I had a very minor thing happen. Someone called me and asked a question. I had to tell them we were not participating in their activity.
Afterwards, I was incredibly tempted to follow that up with an additional text where I praised them and said I was sorry and made all kinds of excuses for why we were not participating. Much of this would be "sort of truthful." But a lot of it was painting things to make sure "we were okay."
Instead, I sent NO texts.
This means I have to sit there in my discomfort and feel. I have to remember past events in my life and hard stories and uncomfortable feelings that mimicked this. (I don't try to, but my brain just brings them up.) I have to talk to my truth tellers and ask them to remind me I am doing the right thing.
For people who are not people-pleasers (like my husband!) this seems ridiculous. Seriously? All of that work? Isn't that exhausting?!
YES
YES
YES!!!!
And because my body is in such a flux right now, it takes a lot out of me.
Okay, if I am being honest, writing this post has taken a lot out of me. So, in sticking with me learning what I need, I am going to stop it now. I'll return when I have more space to share more.
Oh and this process I am in? It won't last forever. But it lasts ... for now. I hope to have more and more and more pink until the point where it is the dominant color. However, I still have to accept that I am a human who WILL have bad days. I never accepted those before. I thought they meant I had done something wrong if I was struggling.
And you may notice this post doesn't discuss GOD or my faith at all. That is a whole 'nother level. ALL OF THIS INCLUDES JESUS. But I'll save that to discuss at a later date.
No. I am a human.
Whew. More learning. Always learning.
Here is a good video to help understand this.
No comments:
Post a Comment