Never done

I keep believing I am done. I have healed enough. God, I got it. Let me be done. 

And then God says: "No, dear child, peel back another layer of the things you have pushed down inside of you for your whole life."

And so I peel back. And I cry. I weep. I meet with Kim. I talk to my cousin Cara. I break down the pain that has been tucked up inside of me for so long. 

The truth is: I will never be done. I will always be healing and growing. 

Yesterday I had an argument with one of my sons, and as we discussed the situation I realized: My body is calm. 

There was no dysregulation. Sure, in hindsight, I probably could have handled some things differently. But generally, I handled it well. I had no feeling inside that I might fly off the handle or lose my cool. 

That is regulation. 

That is having a LARGE window of tolerance.

While my children may choose to misbehave, I no longer feel any need (or compulsion) to use shame or force to get my point across.

I am calm. I am collected. I see their misbehavior as an opportunity for growth. And it is my job to help them grow. Calmly. Securely. Confidently. 

And yet ... despite all the awareness and all the things I see now that I didn't see before ... there is still pain tied up inside of me that hurts to look at. It is hard to look back and see evil and trauma and "yuck."

However, if I don't choose to see it, I will not heal from it. The trauma is tucked up inside you. It is there whether you think you have no memories or choose not to see the memories. And if you don't unpack it, it will continue to eat you alive. 

How can you tell you are being eaten alive? Here are some things to watch out for:

• Anxiety of any sort.
• Depression of any sort. 
• Losing your temper at any time. 
• Feeling "pushed to the edge" by other people. (They don't get that right because you are strong and can handle it!)
• Feeling that "others" have cause you to feel bad inside. (They don't get that right because you are strong and can handle it!) 
• Blaming anything or anyone for you not feeling right. 
  
• Eating for comfort. 
• Drinking alcohol for comfort. 
• Zoning out on your phone or with TV for comfort (regularly). 
• Sleeping too much. 

Obviously this list isn't exhaustive and you could possibly be doing one of these things and not living with stuff shoved deep down inside of you. But if you think this might be you, don't wait. Reach out. Don't wait until your legs are completely knocked out from under you.