The other day, JB forgot to give me my lupron shot before he left for work. He had to talk me through it via Facebook. I sat there giving myself a shot in the thigh with Abigail attempting to steal my alcohol swab at my side.
Way different than when I did this a half decade ago.
The first four times I did IVF, I was childless. As a result, I just assumed that the range of emotions I was fighting during each attempt were due to not being a mother. I figured I was just sad that I didn't have children. But this cycle, I am fighting some incredible emotions. And I have three children.
It wasn't until I found myself sitting on my living room sofa this past week, crying, for no reason at all, that everything came into focus.
I have it now.
There was a reason that the difficult emotions surrounding infertility were worse when I was in the midst of a cycle. There was a reason that it got better when I went off medications in between cycles. There was a reason I cried all the time and was exhausted and couldn't sleep.
Not only do I have perspective now, but JB does too. He's not just a medical student this time. He's a doctor who counsels patients regularly who are dealing with hormones or depression. He is able to talk me through this with amazing clarity. He's able to remind me why I am feeling this way and what I can do about it.
So what can I do?
- I can exercise. Exercise helps me to feel better nearly instantly, however, the results are short-lived. (Within two hours after completion, I find myself a bit down again.)
- I can get good rest. Good sleep at night and a good nap is tremendously helpful.
- I can remind myself that this is a temporary emotion. That this will end. That I have to do this without the aid of anti-depressants because of the pregnancy aspect connected with it. And that at the conclusion of this process, I will return to the Wendi I know and love. I must trust (and know) that she will be back.
- I can share. I continue to find it important to let the people around me know that I am a bit down. I don't need to worry about assuring friends and family that "this has nothing to do with you."
- I can educate. I continue to feel a responsibility, especially through my blog, to educate. I don't want to portray an inaccurate picture of myself on the blog or in person. I want people to see infertility and motherhood and adoption in the proper light. In the proper, perspective, if you will.
And I'm okay with that. I can be honest about that. I can share about that. And I hope it will allow others to share and be honest and open as well.