What is happening, repeatedly, about fifty times a day (really!), is that I attempt to contain the young lady. The reason is that she is bothering her brothers. She is hurting herself. She is escaping. Disappearing.
But here is the issue, when I contain her, a temper tantrum ensues. It is so loud and echoes so badly, that the boys will put their hands over their ears. My blood pressure will rise. Scrubby will hide.
Here is what I have tried:
- Distraction -- Things like food or drink or play sometimes work for a matter of moments but then she returns to the scene of the crime.
- Play with Mommy time -- will sometimes work. I will sit on the floor and start playing with something and she will join in. The problem is that this takes me away from the boys and doesn't allow me to have any time with them. In addition, as soon as I get up, she returns to crime scene immediately and begins tantrum again.
- Not containing her -- Ultimately, she gets hurt or I lose track of her ... nearly every time. She also gets into their stuff. They have a lot of patience for her but I still want to give them time to play by themselves. Every time I think, forget it, I'll just let her "have her way" she gets hurt.
- Letting her scream it out -- This is probably the best advice I imagine. (I will also hold her and let her cry on my shoulder so I am not abandoning her.) But folks, she screams SOOOOO loud. It causes all of us to get crabby, blood pressure to rise. It's miserable. And she doesn't give up. It can go on for many, many minutes.
- Remove her from the scene -- She is too young for time-out in the real sense. (People may disagree but I personally feel time-outs before 18 months are wasted effort.) I will often just sit her in another place as a mini time-out, but it does NOTHING. She returns to the scene, absolutely devastated. In fact, she just gets madder.
- This will pass.
- She will grow out of it.
- I am definitely NOT playing to her every demand. Trust me on this one. She is the youngest of three young children. She is not a sibling who is not used to sharing me. I let her cry. I don't kowtow to her every whim.
- I absolutely LOVE my daughter. Adore her. Think she is the greatest thing since Sidge and Isaac. I am not angry at her or mad or in danger of doing anything bad to her. I just want there to be more peace on a given day at the home.
- Currently, while Abigail is awake, I am not able to do ANYTHING with the boys.
- The screaming is quite overwhelming. The boys don't like it, Scrubs doesn't like it, and I don't like it.
- I would really like, when Abigail is awake, to just have a few minutes to sit and eat, go to the bathroom, anything. And I'd love to have some time to be with the boys while she plays on her own. I have tried to give her crayons (she eats them) or some other toy to keep her occupied. She has NO interest in doing anything but whatever we are doing. And if I hold her on my lap, she destroys whatever I am trying to do with the boys.
28 comments:
Hmmm. Tough situation. For one I would keep doing what you're doing. Is there a safe spot in the house where you know you can put her so you can't hear the screaming as much? You could put her there when she starts in on the tantrum.
Is there a spot that you can gate off that she can't climb out of? There'd have to be zero big toys in that gated area. Otherwise she'd be stacking and standing on them to get out of jail.
As I was reading your blog one day and you were telling of yet another escape artist move from Abigail I thought, "she needs to get a leash for that girl." So that's another option. That way when you're in one room and want her to stay with you she won't be able to run away. That would give the boys the ability to play without being disturbed. Will she throw a fit - absolutely. Try listening to music with ear buds or get ear plugs to help with the ear piercing screaming.
Consistency and patience. At this stage you may not get a lot of time with the boys alone when she's awake.
When I did daycare I had a little girl (whom I love and adore to this day) that was a handful and started throwing tantrums before she was a year old. She hated being behind a gate. She shook one that was attached to the wall until she broke it - stripped the screws right out of the wall. She was similar to Abigail. I had to just ignore her. Every time she started to tantrum I would walk away. Me and the other kids couldn't go far so we had to listen to the screams. Eventually they decreased. She also got older. Of course she would turn on the terror when her mom would walk in the door (her mom let her get away with them and would cave every single time). She was a tough baby/infant/toddler/preschooler. Pray for her teachers. LOL. I guess the moral of the story is that no matter how you choose to deal with this consistency is the key.
You're a great mom. Keep up the great work.
Bethany
That is tough. At least she is not violently throwing things and slamming things around. It could be worse.
I'm sorry I don't have much good advice for you, but I agree with the previous comment that you might just have to go for a while without much non-Abigail time with the boys. Not forever, she just needs more attention than they do right now. Are they ok with playing on their own or do they want to play with you without Abigail? (In other words is your #1 bother that you listed bothering you, or the boys?)
Some kids just do not like to play alone. I don't think that merits a timeout, whatever the age. You just have to think creatively to get her busy doing something by herself. Does she need some new toys that will engage her more? Or maybe put all the toys away (if you tend to leave them all out all the time) and only have one or two out at a time? That might hold her attention better.
Finally, do you there is something else going on - like teething, transitioning from 2 to 1 nap a day, growth spurt, etc.? Just throwing some ideas out there. Hope you figure something out to ease the pain! I agree, screaming is awful to listen to!
I'm sorry, I have no advice for you! But I just wanted to give you kudos for how calm and even-tempered you sound about it on the video! My blood pressure was going up just listening to the video, and I don't know how you manage to stay so calm. I can offer you my prayers!
If you do a Google Scholar search, you can probably find the article, but there was a recent study that showed there was no intervention parents could do that would shorten or alleviate tantrums in toddlers.
With my daughter, we just ignore it or say something like, "I can't understand you. You have to use words." (but that only works for a verbal kid).
Sometimes, when it is prolonged, I will say to her, "Mommy is going to snuggle you until you calm down." And I'll sit with her and snuggle. A lot of times that stops things cold. But our first approach is ignoring because we don't want to reward the tantrum with affection/attention.
Have you read Happiest Toddler on the Block? It's by the same pediatrician that did Happiest Baby on the Block. I didn't read it, but it has techniques and approaches for dealing with toddlers keeping in mind their developmental stage.
If you want the book and can't find it over there, let me know and I'll be happy to send you my copy- I got it second hand (or possibly third or fourth hand) from a tag sale.
Momma, if you aren't going to use the book anymore, I would LOVE a copy. Otherwise I can get it sent via AMazon. You are about the fiftieth person who has recommended it so I think I need to read it. I didn't read the Baby or Toddler ...
Debbie, my calmness was probably helped by the fact that I was video taping! Ha! But yes, I try to stay calm but this was early this morning ... the later in the day, the harder it is. But thanks for the encouragement. I rEALLY needed it today.
Bethany, I agree with you -- consistency is the key. THat has always been my parenting motto: patience and consistency.
And to Marie, yes, we actually do think something is going on. She only took one nap today, didn't go down when we initially put her down. I think she is undertheweather or something else... it's always like this but lately it's been worse!
I understand what your are going through as I have a daughter exactly like Abigail (only mine is now 3 years old). I am lucky as she is my only child, but that is also the reason I don't have any more children yet - because she is so exhausting.
I absolutely hate labels, especially when it comes to kids but you might feel a little better and learn some tips if you read information online about "spirited kids". Spirited children are kids who go at the world full speed and do everything with a gusto and intensity that exhausts their parents. With spirited children their tantrums are often due to the fact that they get over stimulated/over tired, but aren't at an age yet where they realize that they need to go find a quiet space/down time before they blow up.
I have learned a lot of techniques after reading books, websites and blogs on spirited children. I have also learned why she is the way she is and better understand how to deal with her.
With that said, I really don't have anything to help you with the screaming, but we have found that the best way to deal with my daughters tantrums/neediness is to put her in a room by herself. When she was younger we completely baby proofed her room and put a gate up. When she had tantrums we would put her in there and leave her until she calmed down (I would check on her occasionally). This happened many times a day. Now that she is three we have one of those knobs on her door so she can't open it from the inside. Now when she has tantrums we put her in there and won't let her out until she calms down. She still at three, will scream and kick the door but when she calms down and I let her out she now can verbally tell me "she feels better now." We have found that the thing she loves most is being right next to us so the best way to provide consequences for her behavior is to take her away from us. She absolutely hates it.
I will say it does get better as they get older. It is always a battle but it helps now that she is verbal. Turning off lights or a quiet cartoon always helps as well for calming her down.
Best of Luck - J
Bethany, I have thought about setting up a pack-n-play in another room. The only thing is, I really think she is too young to comprehend why she is there.
Marie, yes, they can definitely play on thir own but it is my guilt that wants to be with both of them!
I also forgot to add that Preschool and enrolling her in gymnastics have done wonders - definitely recommend it when Abigail gets older if it is available where ever you are.
I should also say that my own daughter is a quirky, funny and incredibly smart little girl and I wouldn't change anything about her even though she makes me want to pull my hair out on a regular basis! I keep telling myself her determination and stubbornness will serve her well later in life!
Thanks again - J
Anonymous, I totally agree with you about the "person" she is. I LOVE the person Abigail is. She's determined and focused and VERY fun. She makes us smile and just lights up our life so much.
That said, I like your idea about setting her in a safe place. However, do you think that at 14 months, she is actually able to understand WHY she is there. I would say at 2 she could understand why she is there (we do this with the boys when they, very rarely, lose their minds.) However, at 14 months, I kind of feel she would just KEEP crying, not understanding why she was there. What do you think? From experience.
Wendi - I saw your post on facebook and tried not to laugh too much. We have some similar issues with Eve, though not nearly as exciting. The thing that I thought of immediately, was to try an Ergo baby carrier. This migh not be up your alley, but I have heard of alot of moms using them when they homeschool, etc. That way she can be in there with you, but not into everything. Who knows, maybe she would hate that. My other thought was the high chair. Whenever I am making dinner, Eve goes on a rampage, but if I put her in her high chair, it often helps. If I can, I try to give her something to what the older girls are doing, such as a wooden puzzle, if they are working on a puzzle or large crayons if they are coloring. Just some ideas.
I agree about being consistent, like everyone else has said. I always wonder how it can be so hard to be consistent, yet it is. Good luck!
What about playing with all three kids together - maybe rolling a ball back and forth or something so you can play with all three and the boys learn how to play with Abigail and you get to be with all three. Maybe even tell the boys "the plan" and tell them you need their help and so does their sister. At least once or twice per day - not necessarily all the time. Or doing something at the table and Abigail can be in her high chair.
Maddie went through a phase like this and I started drinking a glass or two of wine a night and got really depressed. It's so stressful! Especially when you feel pulled in a million other directions, too. :(
My advice: Love & Logic parenting method. I cannot say enough about this stuff.
Their Early Childhood book will be in every baby shower gift I give from now on. When you read it you think, "Duh... that's so easy and... logical. Why didn't I think of that?!" And it works. I've tried it on my 3-year-old, 1-year-old, ADHD 14-year-old suicidal nephew, 13-year-old niece, husband... and it always works!
Abigail is obviously smart enough to know what she's doing - she knows what she wants and she knows you're saying "no" so the only control she has left is to throw a fit and scream. I also think she probably is smart enough to understand a time out. Every child is different but since you said she really likes being around people, I think that would make a time out that much more powerful for her.
Bonus to doing a time out in another room: If the reason she's misbehaving is that she's tired, she's likely to fall asleep and hopefully wake up in a better mood.
The L&L website has tons of free resources, but I really suggest you get the book. http://www.loveandlogic.com/articles.html#six). You can also search YouTube for videos from the creators.
I'm going to e-mail you a step-by-step guide to their Uh-Oh song because my comment got incredibly long. :)
One of the main principles of Love & Logic is choices. Start giving her choices in everything you possibly can: this shirt or this one? pink cup or blue cup? milk or juice? applesauce or a banana? This will help her feel like she has some control in her life instead of always being told what she gets and what she has to do. This is very powerful - even though she's only 1.
Love & Logic also has the "Uh-Oh" song. It's not really a song... it's just saying "uh-oh" in an upbeat, sing-song voice whenever she does something she isn't supposed to be doing. I started doing this with Kasen (who's now 3) when he was about 2 and now all I have to do is say "uh oh" and he immediately responds, knowing he had better do what I've asked him to do or stop doing what he's not supposed to be doing in the first place.
So, here's what you do the next time she starts throwing a fit (and you know she's not doing it because she's hungry/sleepy.)
1. Take a deep breath - for your nerves!
2. Look a little shocked (like you really can't believe that just happened!), throw out a gasp! and calmly, in a sing-song voice, say "uh-oh!!!"
3. Scoop her up, put her somewhere safe but out of sight of everyone (bedroom, pack and play, etc.) while simply explaining, "Uh-oh! We don't -insert whatever she was doing wrong. How sad."
-We don't scream - that hurts Mommy's ears. How sad.
-We don't hit - that hurts Scrubby. How sad.
-We don't climb - that's dangerous. How sad.
-We don't put snails in our mouth - that makes Mommy vomit. How sad. ;)
4. Give her a kiss and tell her you love her and then walk away. Because she's so little, just leave her wherever you put her for a minute or so. She will probably completely freak out the first time you try this so be prepared to just let her cry for a bit.
-If she's still freaking out after a minute or so and you start feeling horrible, go ahead and go in and pick her up to see if that calms her but don't let her go play until she's stopped crying and calmed down.
-If you pick her up and she continues to kick and scream at you, pull out the song again: "Uh-oh! We don't hit. That hurts Mommy. How sad." and put her back in the crib and walk away. Repeat this as many times as you need to.
5. As soon as she calms down, go in, pick her up, give her a hug and say, "That was so sad! I love you!" and send her off to play.
6. Rinse and repeat until "uh oh" is so powerful, it stops her in her tracks. She will probably immediately do what it was she got in trouble for in the first place, so it's highly likely you'll be doing this back to back at least a few times right away. She will quickly learn though that Uh-Oh means she's not getting what she wants and she's soon going to be lonely, which really is so sad!
What's really great about the uh-oh song is that your boys will be able to use it too. If you hear them saying "Uh oh!" you know she is doing something that they know is dangerous or not nice. It gives them some power to deal with her, helps her with boundaries and helps you know it's time to step in.
Good luck!
Robert was and is my tantrum baby but I did put him in his room even that young because of the screaming. I just kept telling him that when he was finished screaming he could be with the family. After he was 2 we did time out and it does get better. But removing her from the room and telling when she's calm that she had to go to time out because nobody likes it when she screams, she understands you but can't effectively communicate back the problem. Hugs and kisses to all of you and get some earplugs.
-- Emily Rary
Usually I have the "we do not negotiate with terrorists" parenting mindset, but I think this case is different because a) I'd guess she's just jealous and sad that she's excluded SO b) I would find a super awesome way to distract her that she never gets to do except when the boys are having boy time. Can you put a baby pool in your kitchen that you can give her pitchers of water to pour and stir or plastic dishes to "wash"? Or do you have a sturdy step stool she could stand on and play with a sink full of sudsy water and plastic dishes? Another idea is nontoxic finger paint or aerosol whipped cream with a few drops of food coloring to play with in a plastic pool. If she's just in a diaper she can paint herself. After she paints herself, you could pour warm water in the tub and let her take a "bath". LOL Or, if water is too messy, a tub of uncooked rice to pour, stir, etc. contained by a small plastic pool is fun, too. As far as using the bathroom alone, I think you just have to wait that one out....(0:
Katherine Bean
You got lot of good advice today but I thought I would add a little bit more. My oldest son was like your sweet girl and it turned out he had sensory issues. He simply got overstimulated and that happened when he was tired, over stressed, ill, frustrated or was trying to process new things. So in other words, often. We took him to a therapist who helped us learn how to help him self sooth and one of the best things she taught us was to wrap him in his blanket and hold him gently in our arms while he was out of control just simply rocking him back and forth comforting him until he regained control of himself. He was very young at the time and nonverbal, so unable to express himself. We would then say things like ' you were very angry because you ... '
I know, we were those parents! But you know what ? He was finally able to say I am so mad and not throw things and that was huge for him and he is now a responsible adult about to married.
Another thing you may want to look into are food allergies as I have noticed that Abigal has dark circles under her eyes in some of her pictures. My son's food allergies were manifested by behavior issues at a very very young age. Even younger than the doctors said were possible. He was allergic to wheat, corn, soy, chocolate and dairy. He never broke out into a rash when he consumed the foods, but testing was positive and his behavior was unbearable after eating those foods. Within 4 weeks of eliminating those foods from his diet he was a different child. Still with issues but much happier.
I love my Beth but she can throw a whopper of a fit too. One time she was so mad she tiped her all wood toddler bed over on it's side.
I have always believed that our motherly instinctes tell us when our children what our children are ready for.
With our girls we started timeouts when they were about 9 months old. If they touched something after being told no (we didn't put much out of reach) they had to sit on our laps facing away with no interaction from us for about 30 sec, it seemed to work for them.
If you can get a safe place to put her, it just might work. I think almost every time it was harder on me to hear them scream then it was for them to actually be screaming.
I also don't believe they are damaged because of the mistakes that I continually make and learn from....hahaa It might take trying a few different methods to figure it out.
Lark
My sons thankfully have never thrown temper tantrums to that degree. I know it's easy for me to say from this distance, but I think you should just ignore her. Of course keep her safe, but just walk away or ignore her. Similiar to letting a child cry himself to sleep where the crying decreases in time each night (hopefully!), I think her screaming will gradually decrease. It will probably take awhile, but that is what I would do. I wouldn't even engage her in conversation because she probably doesn't have the words to describe how upset she is, which is why she screams. Good luck with it, however you choose to handle it!
Wendi,
I have absolutely NO experience with an 18mth old of my own, but I do have some with a roomful of 2 yr old high-strung, active girls. ;)
I know that this might be a stretch for you, but are you able to enroll her in any dance/gymnastics/romp&roll Mommy&me classes over there on base?
I think she definitely needs something to call "her own" (and I don't mean material stuff...). The boys are at an age where they can make up games, set up their stuff and do their own thing... maybe she needs a 'girl' activity. (I know you'll hate me for suggesting it... lol!)
I think she is still too young to be in any kind of organized sport, but doing something like that at home might be also something she'll be interested...while the boys play, roll a ball around with her and get her tired, so she will nap maybe?
OR, play some kid-dance videos on the computer to see if she is interested and follows them? (I know they have "kid zumba" on youtube...)
After she has her "girl time", she can "rest" while you play with the boys or do something else... ?
At least, when it's time to "nap", if she's contained in her crib she KNOWS why she's there...
Just a thought...
Love and miss you!
-Patty
The tantrums have to be ignored. Tough to do but you don't want to reward them. She will outgrow them when she becomes more verbal. What she will probably NOT outgrow is her desire to do whatever her big brothers are doing. She will be a precocious kid because of that. Not a bad thing. For your sake, you may need to put her in her crib (or can she escape?) so you can get some distance from the noise. This is not a time out or punishment--it's just noise management.
No advice here...but Thor is at the same developmental stage. Too bad we don't live closer, we could set up some sort of 'tantrum room' and deal with it together :).
All I can say is I'm sincerely praying for you. I don't have the answer and I think it's great that you logically understand that this, too, shall pass...all kids will be difficult at some stage or age, and it varies so by child and circumstance. Thank you for again sharing honestly because you help others when you are real. Lara
Lara, thank you for the prayers. I think we all have to be willing to present it like it is or we will all feel inadequate!
Rachel, so glad Thor is doing the same thing. I mean, not really, but you know what I mean. How many months is he now?
And to anonymous, I agree with ignoring. I actually did put her in her bed yesterday, went into my room (after putting a movie on for the boys) and just closed my eyes. I had to!
Patty, I really like your idea and I think you are on to something. If she can get some "me" time, maybe then I can put her in her high chair with something fun to do and have some time with the boys. Well done ballet-lady!
Lark, I agree with you but I wish I could convince my mind that if we are doing the best we can, they are going to be okay! And it's always nice to know my kids aren't the only ones going to town on a temper tantrum. The truth is, my boys NEVER threw them. Barely EVER!
Melissa, I've not noticed major dark circles, but if she has them, most likely it is genetic or possibly a dust mite allergy (like her dad.) In addition, however, we did realize, the day after this video, that she was really sick. She's been sick ever since. So while I need a strategy, obviously she is not herself right now.
I agree with the developmental psychologists who say that such behaviours are simply manifestations of an issue the child is having that cannot be verbalised. While leaving her alone or disciplining her in some other way may address and even eventually curb the behaviour, it will not address the core reason which could leave you with a sad little girl.
First, during tantrums, I would hug and hold her until it passes.
Convenient or not, Abigail likely needs more of you, even though you are giving a lot already.Maybe if you schedule times to play one on one with Abigail, like you have already done but then follow them by time scheduled for the boys which allows you to carry Abby in a hiker's backpack for kids. These allow the baby to sit high and see everything that is going on but not to run away or demand too much attention. You could for example, go on a walk with the boys playing a game such as spot as many blue things as possible or see how many interesting rocks you can find, etc. Then you can occasionally talk to Abigail as you go.
During your scheduled time with Abigail, such as one hour in the morning and one in the afternoon, tell the boys that it is fun "big boy" hour and have a surprise activity for them, such as a game, a low maintenance craft, simplified scavenger hunt, etc. You can find ideas on VBS and pre-school websites. They will look forward to the surprises and not feel left out.
Regardless, I would check into the hiker's backpack - great around the house or on the go.
Perhaps the individual time will eventually allow you to leave her alone for a a couple of minutes to go the bathroom, etc.
Hang in there, you are doing a great job.
Jean
Thanks Jean. We have a backpack. Unfortunately she isn't a huge fan of being in it -- only for a few minutes at a time IF I am moving ...
I believe your comment is right-on ... it's just that, if I am truthful, I am not sure I have much more of me that I can give. I am hopeful that with my aunt's arrival, I will be given the extra time I feel so much in need of.
Thanks for your help!
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