Sleep deprivation

JB has just gotten over strep throat. Abigail is in the midst of of an ear infection. She is quite sick. So sick, in fact, that last night, she was awake most of the night. For a baby who has slept through the night since nearly the beginning, this is quite a shocker to her dad and mom. This is her first real illness. Her first time ever taking antibiotics -- although her body is not responding to them so it may be viral or we may need a different one prescribed.

JB and I are big on the fact that someone should be sleeping. There is no point in both of us being awake. So I tried to soothe my little girl during the first part of the evening/morning. The only thing that would comfort her was lying on my chest. The moment I moved her, she started crying again. Poor little lass was burning up and wouldn't drink anything.

By 4:30am, I woke JB up, and told him I just couldn't do it anymore. I was too tired. So he took over and let me sleep until 10am! Then I got up and he went down for a nap until nearly 2. Praise the Lord this bad night fell on a weekend.

But during those sleep-deprived hours last night, my mind was filled with flashbacks. You'd think that sleep deprivation would make you think of babies. But it didn't.

The truth is, my kids have been good sleepers. I truly did not have terrible sleep deprivation with any of our children.

Instead, I flashed back to the years of infertility. Progesterone, one of the infertility medications I had to use frequently during my IUI and IVF procedures, caused terrible insomnia (as you can read about on this past post from 2007.) It was horrible. I would go weeks managing only a few hours of sleep a night.

Being sleep-deprived is one thing. But being tired and not being able to sleep is a whole 'nother monster. Even if I took time for a nap, I wouldn't sleep. It was incredibly difficult. Finally, when I admitted to JB that I was feeling passively suicidal, he made me an anappointment to see my family doctor who decided to prescribe Ambien on a daily basis. That improved things drastically.

Those flashbacks last night brought me back to a dark place. Infertility and the side-effects that came along with all of the medications and procedures was such a huge part of my life for five years. I cannot even fathom doing that again.

I often walk alongside other women going through infertility treatments. I consider it an incredible honor to help support them during those difficult times.

One friend just celebrated the birth of her son through IVF after two failed IVF's, a miscarriage, and losing her son's twin.

This past week, another friend came within two days of an IVF harvest when the shot she took to force ovulation worked incorrectly, and she ovulated too early. The whole cycle had to be cancelled, and she has to start over.

I am unable to fathom the idea of going back for our seven embryos and going through all of that again. I know it will be different the next time. My emotional state will obviously be different. However, last night I realized that I will face flashbacks when we do our next transfers. I will remember. I will hurt again.

Many people have been asking me about our plan for IVF transfers. We are currently in discussions about this right now. I plan to blog about this in the future as the Lord gives us more direction in when to proceed in going back for those seven little lives.

But for now, I will comfort my little girl, and count my blessings ... that my sleep deprivation is baby-induced. What a miracle.