Due next month

As of today, I am due next month. Never thought I'd write those words on this blog. Due next month.

Seriously, is that even possible? First of all, is it even possible that I am actually pregnant? Is it possible that I have made it through nearly an entire pregnancy? And is it possible that we will actually have two babies next month?

Was it only a little over one year ago that I wrote this post: Infertile Moment? Hard to believe that that was in August of last year. In November of 2006, I wrote this post: Comfort for the Barren. In October of 2005, I penned these words: Let my Heart Sit Down. These are just quick examples of the words that were welling in my heart during each of these years . . . of the emotion that was swirling around me as everything I thought for my life was looking like it might not come true.

The questions were endless.

What would I be when I grew up if not a Mom? What would I do everyday for the rest of my life if not a Mom? What would happen to me if something happened to JB? Would I just be alone? How could I possibly hug and love my nieces and nephews born to siblings decades younger than me? How could I celebrate life with friends and family when my own life would never be able to celebrate? How would I ever go to a baby shower, an Easter Egg Hunt, a t-ball game, Disney World, without wondering why I never got a turn to cheer on and hug one of those children? How could I get the pain to go away?

And now, here we are. 2008. December of 2008. December of 2008 and after ten and a half years of marriage and five long years of infertility treatments, we are expecting our second son next month. Elijah is due next month.

So many people told me they knew it would eventually happen for us. In the beginning, I thought that was true. But after no amount of money or years or invasive treatments had proved successful, I started realizing that for me, this may not be something that would ever come true. Could I be okay if I were never a Mom? And if we did adopt, would it be enough to fill that longing in my heart?

I don't even need to answer the second question on this blog. If you've been following our story you know that Isaac is quite enough. JB and I often say that if it were just the three of us -- if we never had another child, Isaac would be enough. Next to JB and my salvation, he's the greatest blessing I could ever ask for. The kid is just awesome. Bundles of laughter and smiles and chubby cheeks everyday.

As for the first question, I don't know. I'm not sure I would have ever quite felt complete not being a Mom, but I like to believe that God would have given me the peace I needed to be okay with that. I also know that if motherhood would have only come through adoption, that form of motherhood would have quenched the longing in my heart. I know that now. Of course, I couldn't know it then.

Over dinner tonight, JB and I spoke about infertility as we reflected on various friends in various phases of their own wait to be parents. We spoke about how painful all those negative attempts were and how we longed to see those we cared about spared from those painful results.

I reflected back on my last major breakdown as an "infertile" woman. I put that in quotes because my evening of uncontrollable sobs came five weeks after Isaac was born -- when I was actually pregnant unaware. It was an emotional day -- spurred on by a program on The Discovery Health Channel I never should have watched. They followed the story of three couples going through IVF treatments, and I watched, helpless, as three couples sat huddled over the phone, waiting for it to ring, praying for good news, and only one of them getting the call they so desperately wanted. I pictured us doing that again in the future, with the seven embryos we had waiting, and it was almost more than I could bear. How could I do that again? I just wanted to be at peace and never go through that again! No more shots and catheters and sleepless nights and mock transfers and waiting for the phone to ring only to hear the words that meant it was all in vain.

Of course, the embryos are still there, but much has changed since that breakdown. For one thing, both Isaac and I have spent the last seven months getting chubbier together. That wasn't what I thought would be happening.

I also didn't think our neighbor across the street, the one with twin daughters, would stop by my house today to see if I needed some "second" baby items. Did I want a second swing? A second high chair? A second bouncy seat? A second high chair? Holy cow! High chair? I never thought of that. JB came home and I asked him if we needed two high chairs. Probably. We probably do. How did everything change so very quickly?

Somehow, I am due next month. And somehow we need two high chairs.

God really does have a great sense of humor, and God really does work in "mysterious ways" we cannot possibly understand, foresee, or fathom. If only we could see where things would lead before we had to make that journey. But we can't. We can only trust. And wait.

Isaac was worth the wait. And I know Elijah will be too. And so will our China daughter. Life is quite an adventure. Who knows where we are headed next!