The secret is out

I took the test in the Minneapolis airport.

I suppose that is the first thing I should tell you. I, honestly, did not think that it was any big deal that I did such until I started repeating the story and surprisingly received replies like, "Are you kidding?" "That's so funny!" or "Really?!"

But yes, I found out that I was pregnant in the Minneapolis airport. Leave it to the Polar North to store itself in my blood quite permanently.

I had just come from lunch with my coworkers at the Mayo Clinic and had received some gift certificates for Target to celebrate Isaac's arrival. Lesley and I stopped at Target to pick up some formula for Isaac, and I thought, "What the heck. It's not my money. I'll buy a stupid test."

I had long ago promised myself that not another little red cent of my money would be spent on any stupid home pregnancy test. If it weren't for that promise, I would have bought a test at the Commissary before we left for Minneapolis. I had been feeling sick for weeks and just couldn't shake the nausea that seemed to accompany me everyday. I convinced myself that it was fatigue from having a six week old in our home, but day after day it seemed to get worse and just wouldn't go away. I had even mentioned my upset stomach on the blog a few times. In the Commissary that day, I walked up to the tests, put my hand on one, and then immediately slapped myself back into remembering my promise! No more money on those stupid tests Wendi! Quit it! Walk away from the pregnancy tests! And I did. Had I not, I would have known before I left for Minnesota.

But here I was in Target with a gift certificate. This wasn't my money technically. So I scooped it up and slid it into the bag with the formula. I didn't tell anyone what I had done. I didn't tell Lesley who was my ride to the airport nor did I have the opportunity to tell JB.

I don't know if I planned on taking the test in the airport restroom, but after feeding Isaac, we still had an hour before take-off. What to do with this extra time? I know, I'll change Isaac and maybe take that stupid test and rule out pregnancy as the reason for this never-ending nausea. Honestly, that's all it was. A rule-out procedure.

So into the restroom I went. I put Isaac on the changing table and went and took the test. I walked back over to change Isaac and out of the corner of my eye stole a peek.

WHAT THE HECK?!

I was sure the test was upside down. Or sideways. Or, something. What the heck was going on?! How could there be two lines?! These were not the kind of lines you had to hold up to the light. These were obvious. Glaring. I walked over to Isaac. I whispered, "You are six weeks old!" I went back to the test and whispered, "And you are positive!"

Isaac was honestly the main thing on my mind at that moment. I know I speak for JB when I tell you that we are head over heels for this little boy. I do not even think about the fact that he is not biologically related to me. He is our boy! We love him so much! My first thought when I saw those two lines was that there had to be some mistake. My second thought was that I never wanted him to feel like he wasn't part of our plan. How could I ever love another child as much as I loved Isaac? And how could I take care of another child while still taking care of Isaac? I know some of these thoughts are thoughts that parents of two biological children face and some were because he was adopted. Either way, the thoughts were all surrounding our little Isaac.

It was during that cacophony of thoughts that I decided to call JB.

I asked him if he was sitting down, and he said, "Oh my gosh!" He knew instantly. I didn't have to say it. For weeks my nausea and other nagging symptoms had been like the white elephant in the room -- we knew they were there, but we never dared breathed the fact that all these symptoms were starting to stack up on top of each other. As far as we knew, there was no way that I could be pregnant. I had done infertility treatments for five years! How could I be pregnant without anything at all?

A miracle. God. That is truly the only explanation.

I can just picture God in heaven for these last five years looking down, telling me to hold on, quit whining, just wait. And I can just picture him when the moment finally came when all the years would come to a point of culmination in a restroom in the Minneapolis airport.

Once out of the airport, JB took me straight to the hospital where he had already set up for an ultrasound. Isaac was crying, hungry, so I laid on the table and bounced him on my chest. It was completely and utterly surreal. JB prepared me for what we might see, and quite honestly, I was ready for it. He told me that this could be ectopic or a deceased child, or any number of other variables. I was okay. I had Isaac. I could handle this. We had handled so much. We could handle this. I know we could.

But two seconds into the ultrasound, JB looked up, swallowed, and looked at me, searching for words. What is it? I asked him back without saying a word. And that when he said, "Wendi, that's a heartbeat."

Wendi, just kept bouncing Isaac. She watched the screen where a tiny little baby came into view. A tiny baby. Inside her womb.

The only other time I had seen this in person was when I sat next to Bri so many months ago.

JB started measuring. Without a regular cycle, I had no idea how pregnant I was. From all I could estimate, I could be as much as four months pregnant. JB eased my fears slightly. 7 weeks and 3 days from the measurements. Not official but as close as we know for right now. As of today, I am 8 weeks pregnant. As of today, I am due February 1st. I went in for blood work the next day. Other than being a bit anemic, I am doing great.

Do we know how this happened? Well, technically. But honestly, this is nothing more than a miracle. I also know that this had to happen in this order. Isaac is supposed to be in our family, and Bri picked us because of our struggles to have a family. Had we had a child, would she have even thought of us? Would Joan have thought of us? Would Isaac be living somewhere else? I can't imagine that. Isaac is our pride and joy. He is our first born. He will always be our amazingly awesome and special son. No biological child could ever change that. I love him so much I cannot express it adequately in words.

I so appreciate those of you who have posted, both here, and on Hannah's Prayer (my infertility support board) that this post has brought you encouragement. I need to hear that so much. I have so often been on the receiving end of this news. Sometimes I could find encouragement in it, but sometimes, it hurt me. Will it ever be my turn?

We were at peace with the fact that it may never be our turn, and we were going to trust God and His plan no matter what. If that meant never being pregnant -- so be it. Isaac's arrival made that especially okay. If it was just Isaac, forever, we were okay. But now, we'll be okay, with a sibling for Isaac that will be less than 9 months younger than him. For all we can figure out, this child was conceived before Isaac was born -- within a few days or a week -- but before Isaac joined us in the world.

So I'll stop here, lest I overwhelm you with adjectives like: ELATED, SHOCKED, TERRIFIED, ECSTATIC, DUMBFOUNDED, SCARED, HAPPY, EXUBERANT, OVERWHELMED, CONFUSED . . . our house has been a flurry of these adjectives for quite a few days now. The list to describe my heart and JB's heart is endless.

I told JB we needed a new stroller. "No, Wendi," he said. "We need more than a stroller. We need a new car (Or minivan? Oh my!)" Oh, right. Two backward facing car seats and a double stroller will not fit in our tiny Saturn. But geesh. If we can trust God for a baby (or even not trust Him for a baby) we can surely trust Him to take care of the details.

Tomorrow, maybe I'll try to let you into my heart and try to express the emotions swirling. Emotions for Isaac and the gift he is. And emotions for this tiny life that, somehow, is growing inside of me.

But for today, that's enough. I'm pregnant. I think I am going to write a book.

P.S. Here is a reply PowerPoint from my parents, brother, and AD after the news.