Celebrating Life

[Disclaimer: at the end of this post I have included some photos of pregnancy/kids. I have provided some extra space after my text so my infertility-pals can read the blog and then leave if the photos are too difficult. Thanks!]

It is 12:25 AM. :) I shouldn't be up. And I shouldn't be blogging. But after nearly an hour and a half of tossing and turning, I wandered out of my bed and into the office. I am so bloated and uncomfortable it is nearly impossible to lie down nonetheless sleep. However, after the frustration wears away, I will try to sleep on Kelsey's futon -- where I can prop my legs up to the side and attempt to get comfortable. But for now, a tour of my heart.

I've been blog-hopping a bit. The little story of dear little Eliot continues to bless me. As the first child of this dear couple whom I have never met, I feel their hearts. The strong desire to be a parent is so real in so many people's lives. You should stop in again on Eliot's blog. 99 days of life. 99 balloons released to celebrate each and every day. What a blessing! What heartache. All rolled into one.

As for me, my heart is truly at peace. I am amazed that I can honestly say that I have found peace. I pray each day that that peace continues to hold me and comfort me. For those of you who have followed my journey from the beginning, I'm sure you know how difficult those words are. For those of you who are intimately involved, who have sat on the other side of a couch or a telephone and cried with me, sobbed with me, you understand even more how painful this journey has been and how amazing it is for me to tell you I have found peace.

I cannot promise that there will not be moments of sadness or frustration or doubt in the future. But what I can say is that I know this place I have found, is a place I can come back to time and time again.

What changed? The only way I can explain it is to tell you that when JB was on his camping trip, I gave my womb to the Lord. I truly told Him that the pain was too great to bear. I could no longer feel this way. If I was going to continue to feel this way, I needed to go home to heaven because the pain was that great. I wasn't suicidal, but as I told JB later, if a big truck would have hit me, I'd feel blessed to no longer feel so sad.

I'm sure some of you can relate. Friends who are longing for a dream that feels so unreachable. You know who you are. Friends who are waiting with aching hearts for unanswered prayers to come true. That pain is very real.

During this time I had great compassion for people who are mentally ill. For people who suffer with depression. For people who attempt suicide. Their hearts must hurt so badly! And if their heart hurt any worse than mine, I can see why they thought ending it was better.

But what I realized during those dark days was that the Lord was with me. I pictured it like a little girl walking with her father. As they hike along a trail, the little girl falls. She cries. She is hurt. The father did not want her to fall. He was there with her when she fell, but nonetheless, she fell. So what does he do? He picks her up. He gives her advice for how to prevent that fall in the future. He may even carry her if the pain is too much He did not want her to fall, and he may have tried to prevent her fall, but the fall happened nonetheless. But that doesn't mean the father turned his back.

During those five dark days as I tossed and turned in my bed by myself each night, struggled to get out of bed, struggled to eat, struggled to go on, I realized that I could not go on like this, and I told the Lord exactly that. I told Him I needed a purpose. I told Him I needed His strength. I gave Him my womb. He could have it. He could use me as he saw fit. I'd answer His call on my life. But He just had to bring me comfort. I couldn't survive another day like this nonetheless another month, another year, or another three years!

And in an instant, He gave that to me. I realized that there were things I would find peace with. I pictured myself doing mission work, side-by-side with JB. Mothering children who had no mothers. Hugging women who had no husbands. Crying with women who lost their children. Could I be content there? Could I be content there with no children?

I could.

And then, wonder of all wonders, JB came home. I was anxious to share my new insights with him, but I didn't know where to start. How did I explain that my entire perspective had changed? That the bitterness was crumbling. That I was okay. That I would be okay. Even if something were to happen to JB and it was just me (a huge fear of mine), I realized that God defined me. Children and a husband and "things" did not define me. What an unbelievable weight to have lifted off of me. For the first time since I was first diagnosed in 2003, I had peace.

To my amazement, as I began to talk to JB, I realized that while he was camping, the Lord had been showing him the same things in different ways. JB already knew that children might add to our joy, but they would not define our joy. However, he had been showing JB that He had a bigger purpose than just medicine. What an unbelievable blessing from the Lord. God was there. What a better way to show me that than to have my husband and I on the same page, though a state and a dense thickness of woods away.

I share all this to just share my heart. I have not hidden my heart. Life is full of blessings and heartache, but through it all, I know the Lord is walking beside me. I feel Him walking beside me. And I know that no matter how this next cycle works, He will carry me.

I also realized that I can find happiness in the happiness of others. Below are some pictures of my goddaughter Logan and her mom, Kristi. Kristi may be mad that I include a pregnant picture of her on my blog, but I really don't care. Kristi called me days and weeks into this pregnancy sure she was having a miscarriage. Everyone thought that this baby would never make it. But now, this little Raylee is only a month and a half from entering the world! What a miracle! What a miracle Logan and Raylee are. I am so blessed to be Logan's godmother and to share in this family. And I am so blessed to know that I can be okay as a godmother and friend and wife and find definition in the Lord, not the children I long to have. I can find definition with Him alone.

Blessings friends! Enjoy the photos. I go in for blood work and an ultrasound early tomorrow morning. Errr. early THIS morning. (I must get some sleep.) Tune back in for updates. I'll put them on the blog as soon as they become available. (P.S. Logan's band aid on her forehead is from a dive she took off the deck! She is definitely her mother's daughter -- fearless. It's one of the things I have always admired about Kristi and what made her kick my butt in basketball.)

[Disclaimer: at the end of this post I have included some photos of pregnancy/kids. I have provided some extra space so my infertility-pals can read the blog and then leave if they don't want to see the photos. Thanks!]