I went to the park.
It was Melissa Phillip's birthday and Christo wanted to take her out to dinner so I got to spend some time with Karuna. I truly enjoy these occasions. Karuna is precious and loves to come over to our house. She knows just where her toy drawer is and has me read every book she owns at least 50 times. Every time she comes over she has added tons of words to her vocabulary and this time she could now tell me where her clavicle is. (Do all you adults out there even know that?)
It was a nice day outside, and JB was at nerdfest as school. This is where medical students bring in their computers and "game" (play video games against each other.) They will usually do this for hours on end. JB usually just plays for a few hours and then has everyone give him a hard time when he "goes home to his wife."
So I decided to take Karuna to the park while JB was gaming. On my way there I realized that beside a quick visit with my niece Grace when she came to visit, I have been avoiding the park since our infertility journey began.
As Karuna and I walked among the dozens of children and their parents, I realized that I have truly come to a place of peace in my journey. I didn't cry, I didn't feel jealous, and I didn't size up the women who had children and whether they deserved them. In fact, I have realized, that all the places John and I had been avoiding over the last few years -- the mall, zoos, parks etc. are no longer taboo to me.
This felt like a big step.
I think all this avoidance started midway through our tries with artificial insemination. We were at the Mall of America when the phone rang. It was the nurse at the infertility clinic, and the moment she said my name, I knew it was again, disappointing results. "Wendi you have too many eggs again. Dr. Tummond feels that your chance of multiples is way too high. He's canceling your cycle."
$2,000 worth of drugs, appointments, and blood draws. 6 ultrasounds in the course of 8 days. 6 blood draws in the same time span. Twelve horrid shots with thick hormones and there would be no attempt at pregnancy. They'd give me drugs to stop everything, send me home, and maybe, if everything cleared up, in two months, we could start it all again.
We did start it again. We started it seven times and then decided our hearts couldn't take it anymore.
However, being at the mall when you get this call proved to be a rather poor choice. Did you know that malls are breeding grounds? Everywhere we turned there were babies, pregnant bellies, maternity stores, kids screaming, families walking. John and I had come with friends -- otherwise we would have left immediately. Instead we found a bench in a hallway, people-less, to sit and talk and cry. (Well, I cried. JB kept telling me to take a breath!)
From that point on I made the decision that it was okay to avoid painful events. Baby showers, church on dedication Sunday or Mother's Day, children's birthday parties, the mall, and yes, the park.
But yesterday, despite the fact that we still don't have a child in our house, I went to the park and had a wonderful time. I truly have found peace, and I am so blessed to be able to say that.
I can't promise that when the drugs start in a few days, my body will still feel so peaceful, but for now, my heart is at rest, and I know that only the Lord can give me that.
We returned home and were joined by our friends Tara, Ajit, and Sean for dinner and Walk the Line. It was a wonderful evening, and I went to bed so blessed that even while the Lord hasn't answered my prayers in the way that I hoped, he has brought me the peace I so desperately begged for.
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Days until I start Lupron: 8
Days until I go off birth control pills:12
Days until I start stims: 19
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