Special Scriptures

As we get ready to do IVF, I am drawn back to how much I have grown throughout this infertility journey. Early on after my diagnosis, I wrote a poem in my journal:

I trust Him. Do I trust Him? Yes I trust Him. Or so I think.
His way. Not my way. Do I believe that? I think I do. And yet I don't.
Guide me. But Guide me my way. What is your way? Do I approve?
I am asking. And I am patient. But sooner should come real fast.

Please Lord. I beg you pleading. Your will be done. If I agree.

There was no doubt that back in 2003, I was angry with God. I was mad at Him. I remember talking to Kristi on the phone and her saying, "Wendi, this is the first time I have ever heard you question your faith." She was so right. I was so in doubt.

When we met with a psychiatrist before our IVF consult, I was a little taken aback when she stopped in the middle and told me that she believed I held a "Just-world hypothesis." I thought this was a pile of crap. However, as she explained, I realized that before finding out about our trouble conceiving, I really did, subconsciously, believe this.

Just-World thinkers are people who blame the victim: The world is tough but fair; if something happens to you, it is your own fault. The Just-world hypothesis is defined as: "The tendency to believe that the world is fair and that people get what they deserve."

I wouldn't have told you I believed that. I didn't think that I believe that. But suddenly, when we couldn't have children, I reverted to this line of thinking. I felt that I deserved a child. I felt that I did not deserve this pain. And even worse, I felt that if I was going through this, then I had done something wrong. This was a Just-World thought pattern. Other women might deserve this, but not me, and if this happened to me, what did I do to deserve it?

During this time, I found a Bible passage that really ministered to me. Whenever I would start to feel as if I had done something wrong to deserve this "mark" I would read this verse.

In John 9:3 the crowd asks Jesus why a man is sick. Jesus tells them that no one did anything to cause this. He says: "Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life."

This really hit me! I didn't do anything to deserve this. While God didn't cause my infertility, He was using it in our lives for his glory.

One of my favorite scriptures in regards to this was: Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

It was at this point that I realized that I needed to be content where I was in my life. I had to quit feeling guilty that I was the reason JB wasn't a father. I remember one day my cousin Josh (who doesn't get very "deep" very often) asked me if John would leave me if I was disfigured in an accident or paralyzed or anything of the like. Of course not. Josh then reminded me that this was really no different. John didn't want to go anywhere and he wasn't going to go anywhere just because it was my fault we couldn't have children.

So I found scriptures that talked about having joy no matter what the situation. Here was one of my favorites:

Habakuk 3:17-18
Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crops fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, Yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior.

Another scripture I really loved is:

Phillipians 4:6-13
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen me put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. Be content in whatever the circumstances are. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

I also found a little scriptures which talked about barren women and their gift from the Lord in a child:

Psalm 113:9
He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the LORD.

I Samuel 1:19-20
and the LORD remembered her. And it came to pass, when the time was come about, that Hannah conceived, and bore a son; and she called his name Samuel: 'because I have asked him of the LORD.'

Of course, there were tons of other passages that ministered to me.

When I would start to think it just couldn't happen: I am the Lord, the God of all mankind. Is anything too hard for me? Or Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. And one of the greatest scriptures when I really felt like my lack of faith would cause us to never have children: If we are faithless, He will remain faithful.

When I started to get afraid of procedures, medications, failures, I would remember that it wasn't me who was fighting this battle: Do not be afraid or discouraged ... for the battle is not your's but God's. Another powerful verse: For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, "Do not fear; I will help you." Or The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.

When I would begin to wonder why I had to go through this: Jesus replied, "You do not realize what I am doing, but later you will understand."Or another great passage: The secret things belong to the Lord our God.

When I would get discouraged because of another failed procedure or another day of not feeling well or jealousy at everyone else who could have children except me: Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.

In church yesterday morning, out pastor echoed these sentiments. He told a story about his son getting clobbered during a wrestling match. He wanted to run over and help him but instead he watched from afar, letting those around his son help him. He knew his son needed this moment to grow as a person and a man even though it was hard to watch him. I believe sometimes, the Lord is doing the same thing. He knows I am growing, and I know, some day, I am going to understand why this pain had to be a part of my life.

I know that only a few of my faithful blog readers have dealt with infertility, however, I am sure there is something else you are dealing with. Don't forget that you are growing, that God is real, and that it will all work toward our good.