The illusion of control

There's a new layer coming off of me. 

I thought the layers were done. 

They are not. 

(And that sucks.)

(I mean, it doesn't suck, because it's good I'm growing. But it does suck because that growth hurts A LOT.) 

This one is people-pleasing. 

And it isn't just people-pleasing, but the idea that somehow, I am capable of controlling people. 

If I hustle hard enough, they'll like me. 

If I repair hard enough, they'll forgive me. 

If I keep my mouth shut and never speak truth, then I can't say anything wrong. 

If I don't tell them what I really think, we will be okay. 

I've lived my life this way. With an intimate few I've dove in. I've given them access to my truth thoughts and spoke without edits. 

But if you aren't in that intimate circle? 

If you are one step removed? 

Then I've lived in PANIC. 

And honestly, I've done a pretty good job keeping everyone liking me. 

There are a few people I've lost. A few relationships I couldn't salvage. But our military/moving lifestyle allowed me to remove myself from it. And I medicated the feelings away with an anti-depressant. 

And that worked. 

Until it didn't. 

I canNOT keep everyone happy.

Someone will, no matter what I do, get mad at me. 

The control I thought I had is fake. It doesn't exist. 

I must, instead, find my worth in Jesus alone. He must be enough. Sure, I can also entrust my heart to some very close humans that I don't think will hurt me. But even those humans are ... human. And pain could ensue. 

That reality has smacked me upside the face. God is FORCING me to look this in the face and finally, after 48-years, put it behind me. 

He's asking me: "Wendi, will you continue to fear man to such a degree that you don't speak words of truth? Or will you speak the words and trust the outcome to me? Trust that I am God."

He's saying: "Wendi, you are a human. You will make mistakes. It is inevitable. Someone will not like you. Are you okay letting that someone's opinion just float away and instead live for me?"

The answer is: I am not. 

I currently am willing ... but my body can't follow suit. 

And so, I'm tearing it apart. Layer by layer. 

In 2024 I spent six months battling my past and my hurts and I survived. I, naively, thought that all of that was behind me. I did it! I'm victorious! I'll never feel that way again. 

Ummm ....

Here I am. 

I am not as low. But I am low. It was something Kim told me would happen. It's how healing worked. I thought the rings of healing were what I was traveling through in the eight months of depression I faced in 2024. But, alas, that was ONE RING of the journey. I'm now on ring two. 

Egads ...

I want Wendi back. I miss the Wendi of the end of 2024 and first half of 2025 that was healing but getting it and sort of frolicking in her freedom. 

She'll be back. 

But the only way through is through. 

THROUGH ... is so, so hard.