We want our kids' nervous system to down-regulate in our presence.
I have so much more I want to discuss about this. I want to break this down in so many ways.
This journey through the recesses of my mental health demands that I look things in the face. And as I look it in the face, I see what I much do for my children.
2017: Charleston, SC Went to Shane and Linda's house for the holiday.
2018: On the farm! Grace, Nate, and Ray (along with Jacob) were here for the holiday with the grandparents and our family of six.
2019: On the farm! Ray and kiddos along with Anni, Jacob, and the grandparents here on the farm.
I have written previously about my cousin Josh and his pastoral series. He is over in Brentwood, TN at New Hope Community Church. I love this series. There is so much I want to write about with his series, and I just haven't had time to take notes on them as much as I have wanted to. So I am setting up a "master" post, so as I have time, I can go ahead and take notes on each sermon in this series.
#1 GOD WANTS OUR HONESTY: More to come
#2 ANXIETY TO PEACE: More to come
#3 DEPRESSION TO JOY: More to come
Comfort happens in the midst of grief. Can you just SIT with someone in their grief? Romans 12: 9-21 is where Paul writes about the marks of a true Christian, and he encourages us to "let love be genuine." Romans 12:15 tells us to "rejoice with those that rejoice and weep with those that weep." You notice it doesn't say "fix the situation." LEAN INTO THAT. I lvoe that statement. Grief doesn't go according to plan. It is all over the map.
Grief doesn't have to be the loss of a loved one. It can be the loss of a dream. It can be the loss of time. There is grief in that. It can be the loss of a friendship.
Psalm 147:3 " He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." But remember. If your wound needed a bandage, it probably has a scar.
Remember when Jesus goes to the tomb of Lazarus? If the Messiah who came into this world is able to weep with us? And show us how it is done? Then there are just times that we need to weep with those who weep and mourn with those who mourn. Let them get it out.
John 14: 1 "Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God. Believe also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you .... that where I am, you may be also."
1. Don't be afraid to cry; don't apologize for your grief
2. Share your grief; tell people about it! Tell them about your dreams don't come true. Don't bury it. Share it!
3. If it is still in your heart and it is in your mind, it needs to come out!
Rejection hurts. And the negative thoughts swim in our minds. People may reassure us by offering these words. However, rejection is your worst fear becoming reality. All the things that were swimming in your head, are real at least in that moment. Scientists have discovered that the pain we feel physically is from the same region of our brain that processes emotional pain.
And in that rejection, you look to the future and predict future pain. Your brain is protecting you. It doesn't want you to feel that again. It's the same as touching a stove. You know the pain and you won't go near it again. Your body knows the pain of rejection, and it wants to protect you from that ever happening again. Our mind is confirming what we "knew" all along: I am not good enough.
This is the lie that the Devil is throwing at us. You are inadequate.
Rejection is a rite of passage in life. When you feel rejection, however, you are in the greatest Biblical company you can imagine. Jesus knew what it would be like to be rejected. He knows what the burning stove feels like so he would be able to know what you would feel like.
When you feel rejected, try thinking: "Jesus has never been closer." He knows what it feels like. When you open your heart to Jesus and step out of the bondage of thinking no one knows, you step into a relationship with Jesus where he says, "Let me just hold you because I know what this feels like."
YOU MATTER TO JESUS!
Abigail has gotten very into photography, editing photos, video work, etc. And I think she's really good at it. Some people just have an eye for these images. She is only 13, and she doesn't have a "real phone." She is just taking these on an old family phone that child #3 gets to use until she turns 15.
I truly love seeing the passion of my children's emerge. Isaac loves all things music. Be it writing, listening, playing, performing, attending ... he is IN. He also loves theatre and performance and thinks going to NYC with me to see a Broadway play would be loads of fun. He also has a propensity for collecting/organizing and truly enjoys collecting Hot Wheels cars. It's a treasure hunt for him and he thoroughly enjoys the hunt.
Elijah "Sidge" loves everything outdoors. He is particularly fascinated with hunting and hunting things of all kinds. John and him are planning a 2026 hunting trip (for a safari they won last year) and he is constantly reading books and hunting on the farm. I will often wake up to find him already gone, gun in hand, out for the latest animal. Sidge has no desire to work a "desk job" and I think the requirement to do so would make him miserable. He wants to be involved outdoors and specifically with nature. I love to see this side of him.
I'm really seeing a bent with Abigail toward the arts. She is a talented writer and also loves dance and photography and videography. I see her doing something with these skills as she gets older. She has an eye for decor and colors.
The Pomegranate is truly the best baker in our home. She can whip up a batch of cookies in no time. All things craft. Crochet. Knit. Sew. She does it. She has, since she was little, genuinely seen the world differently. Where someone may just see a pole, she sees a piece of art that can be approached with a totally different outlook. She's constantly taking a simple piece of "junk" and figuring out how it has a new life. I love it.
I can't wait to see who each of them become, and I'm truly encouraging them to find their passion. They don't need money. Money can happen. What brings you JOY. God will take the joy and use it for you in your life. Find what you are passionate about.
"Suffering begins with pain but becomes suffering because of our isolation and powerlessness in its presence." Curt Thompson
This is part one of a fantastic episode on The Place We Find Ourselves podcast. Adam Young is talking to Curt Thompson, author of The Deepest Place, in an episode entitled: Healing From Trauma: The Power of "Being With" (Part 1).
Basically this episode is about the need for community while we are in our pain.
Adam begins the episode by explaining that for trauma to become embedded in our body, we must have (1) powerlessness and (2) abandonment by potential caregivers.
Okay. So let's say that has happened. Trauma (pain) has embedded in your body. Maybe this occurred through childhood trauma. But maybe it occurred during an especially challenging time in your marriage. Or maybe you fought in a war. Or maybe you witnessed a violent crime. No matter what it is, that pain is now in your body. And you need community to help deal with that embedded pain.
We know if we cut our finger, we can't solve the problem right then. But we know within ten days, we will feel better. But we can't see that when we have marriage issues. Cancer. Trauma. So there is FEAR. We fear that this will last forever. Oh will we ever be done with this pain? We want it over. But the only way it is over is if we go through the pain. We don't want to go through the pain. We want the pain to be over.
As humans, we hope reflect on the past with gratitude and look to the future with hope. But our brokenness and trauma take us out of that realm and we look into the past with regret and toward our future with anxiety.
And that's where suffering lodges itself deep in our soul.
Oh we want to be thankful for the pain we have traveled through. And we want to be hopeful for the future that we might have. However, the depth of our pain means all we can do is look backward with anger and regret for what we had to travel through. And this means that the thought of our future is filled with anxiety.
Will I ever feel normal? Will I ever be able to enjoy my days? Will I ever be able to laugh again? To smile? Will thoughts of this anxiety consume me?
WE NEED COMMUNITY!
What about the traumas we have that leave scars? These scars can mean that we need to talk about these things for a long long time. We begin to fear that those we lean on will get tired of our "complaining" and that they will leave us. And then we will suffer more due to the isolation. What if Job's friends could have just sat with him willingly and just sat with him for as long as it took?
In his book, Thompson tells us that while we may not suffer less after taking in what we learn in this book, we can instead learn to suffer differently. Community will allow us to do that.
I so agree with this statement. My suffering during the last year was horrific. It was H-E-L-L. But having people to suffer it with me made all the difference.
In the Bible, Paul and Jesus and Peter all write about suffering and talk about it matter-of-factly. They don't talk about it as if it is to be avoided. They talk about it as if it is to be expected. They are to join in Christ's suffering. This is what is bringing us connection to Him and to others which will lead to hope and joy. This is counter-intuitive to any other story the world offers. Seriously! Think of another story told by our world where we are to join in the protagonist's suffering?!
If you are willing to bring your suffering into a community that is the perfect example of the body of Jesus Christ. We can suffer without feeling we have to fix it. Instead, if someone is with us in the suffering, at some point, you begin to pay as much attention to the person sitting alongside you as you pay attention to your pain in the moment you are xperiencing it.
Suffering, if we can name it and allow it to be, will deepen our sense of connection, our sense of being loved and cared for, at the very point when the suffering is the worst thing we can imagine.
Vulnerable. Can you be vulnerable? Can you sit with someone else in their pain? Can you allow someone else to sit with YOU in YOUR pain? I have been doing this. This means that I have to go back into my pain and look at it so that the person I am standing along side of can FEEL FELT.
I just did this. During the depths of my suffering, I had to allow people to stand alongside me. I didn't want to. But I HAD TO HAVE THEM. And it was not easy. I had to allow my cousin Cara to listen to me sob. Over and over and over again. How was she not tired of me? How could she call me again? How could she continue to reach out to me so patiently? Wasn't she sick of me?
And now, mostly on "the other side", I am doing the same thing for others. And they are texting me and apologizing for bugging me. Bugging me? This is my gift to our world! To our friendship. To our community. To growth and healing.
When we sit with people in our pain, this doesn't mean that our pain stops. Instead this allows the person in pain to FEEL FELT. (I love that expression and use it a lot. We all need to FEEL FELT!) I am being seen. And if I will begin to talk about that experience, it creates curiosity in other people who will then talk about it with me. God will take when is meant for evil and will instead allow that pain to deepen our sense of being loved and cared for. Our very perception of suffering begins to transform because we start to see it as a vehicle to being loved!
It is a real thing.
How will you respond to it?
And how will the story of the gospel help you understand this suffering?
We can only give love to someone else if we have it to give. We want people to love us! Until they actually try to. We are less capable of receiving love then we are of loving others. All of our music talks about how much we want to love. The parts that bring a person into the doctor's office, are the parts that are actually very afraid when it gets closer. You reach out to a friend in desperation. But then, when they are willingly there, our instinct is to pull away. It's too scary to be that real. To be that vulnerable. To be that open. To be that ... RAW.
Have you ever seen someone who gets overwhelmed by people loving them? Maybe at a funeral or after a surgery or tragedy? They will stop wanting to make eye-contact. It is hard to receive love. These are the things that a newborn has NO defenses against. A newborn is looking to absorb being loved. But our traumas teach us that allowing us to be loved is a life-threatening proposition. What happened to being a baby and willingly allowing people to love us? What breaks us so that we have to question that love? Why can't we willingly receive it?
Confessional Communities are groups of people that sit alongside you and listen to you as you are learning, grieving, working through your grief. This work is SLOW. But it is DURABLE. In these communities, you don't leave stones unturned because of shame. Your shame is welcomed. And isn't shameful at all. You get the opportunity to feel soothed, seen, safe, and secure. In these communities, your vulnerability becomes transformational for other people. And part of this healing becomes your very witness to how your vulnerability is a process of healing for others.
"My simple desire is to remind us that the way forward is through suffering, not around it, but all within relationships," writes Curt in his book. "Reintroducing ourselves to the nature of relationships in the context of suffering can transform not only our relationships, but our experience of suffering as well."
There is a way in which the human heart and mind and right limbic brain operate. This part of the brain heals via relational interactions. The presence, comfort, the transforming power of the Holy Spirit is key for healing. It is mediated through the body of Christ which means other human beings. After the second page of the Bible, everything is human-mediated. It is no longer just God-mediated.
WE NEED PEOPLE!
We are exceptional at surviving ourselves. If a child is suffering from brutality in their young life, they will develop coping mechanisms. Some people are not so good at this and they end up in drugs or alcohol or develop other terrible coping mechanisms. We are capable of paying attention to certain things and blocking other things. We can build walls to turn off ourselves to things that are painful and turn it on to things that we need to cope in the world. It's a crap-shoot to say why some people cope in "more healthy" ways. One person is on drugs. The other person's brain and body are keeping track. And at some point, the brain-body matrix will come together and say "I'm done." If I ignore a sprained ankle, it will eventually say, "You can't avoid paying attention this anymore." Because it's too painful. We don't do this because we are stupid. We do this to survive.
Newborns survive through co-regulation. Basically: they borrow the brain of the parent. So when they are in distress, they are not alone in their distress. The parents, by their very presence, help the child see that they are not alone. A newborn is suffering. But their parent is with them in co-regulation. But, if we don't have that experience as a child, there is no way out from it. What if you are nauseous all the time but never throw up? That would be awful You'd have to just ignore it.
That's how it is with pain. We figure out ways to ignore it. We can't possibly feel that pain all the time. So we find fantastic coping mechanisms.
And those mechanisms work for us ... until they don't work for us anymore.
Suddenly you can longer ignore the symptoms eeking out of your body. In my case it was depression and anxiety. Right now, as I write this, I have friends whose anxiety is coming out through:
1. Fear of death
2. Fear of parasites/bugs
3. Fear of people being upset with them
4. Fear of failure
5. Fear that something will happen to their children
6. Fear that their significant other won't love them anymore
7. Fear of conflict
The curiosity of your counselor is going to start bringing the stuff out of their body. If someone is with you, that changes anything.
This is just part 1. I will be writing more about part 2 very soon!
I understand not everyone is a fan of hunting. And I totally respect that. But for my nearly fifteen-year-old son, it is truly his PASSION.
We have a few rules surrounding hunting. We won't hunt just for sport. If we hunt anything, it is because it is a predator or it is because it is going to be eaten.
In the case of coyotes, they are "allowed" to be hunted at anytime and anywhere because they are so prolific in this area. John told Sidge he would allow him ONE coyote. He won't hunt another unless our farm needs them hunted because of predation issues. (We do not eat coyotes. Generally, you do not eat carnivores.)
Sidge actually went out for deer and got a coyote. It was the first time he had seen a coyote outside of a casual encounter wandering out of the woods.
We were so excited for Sidge. This is so fun for him. He is getting so big and so strong and so buff and he moves in the woods with such incredible dexterity and quietness.
I love that he has found something so much. I love that we have him on a farm where he can do this. I am not interested in hunting. And I know people often are not. But it is a great activity here on the farm -- and most of it results in food!
We are constantly ending up with clothing items here on our farm, and I can't figure out who they belong to! Here's another shirt that showed up, randomly. And I have no idea whose it is!? I have contacted everyone I know. Ugh!
I often laugh that I worried about being lonely on this farm. I'm never lonely. We live way out of town. And yet people show up here all the time. Rarely does a day go by that someone isn't here to visit.
It's wonderful.
I just wish they wouldn't leave clothes behind.
Sometimes you get a very surprising little hug. Yesterday I had two letters in my mailbox. One was from my mom's sister, Janet, who lives nearby. The other was from my mom's sister, Connie, who lives in Michigan. I know both of their handwriting intimately so I knew who they were from before I even opened up the letters.
I am very blessed to have many aunts and uncles on both sides of my parents' families that have poured into me over the year. My dad had four brothers and one sister. They were all married. Three of them have now gone on to Jesus. My mom has two brothers and two sisters, and her two sisters are both very valuable members of my life. They have also been a HUGE encouragement to me during the last year as I have recovered from an intense healing/mental health journey.
People.
Love them.
Sidge:
Isaac:
The boys recently did some testing with University Ready. I love seeing how different the two of them are. They are just born loving and doing different things, and it is SO FUN to see them develop who THEY are.
