How a city girl, gone country grieves
(and raises cows)
If we measure the character of our society by the way we treat our elderly, we are in serious trouble.
I’m not sure where to begin. I’m angry, appalled, frustrated, mortified,
and yes again angry. This is our last week in a nutshell. While it had
some redeeming qualities, it breaks my heart to tell this story.
My husband’s father now lives in TN with us. We moved him down from PA
last weekend. He had an opportunity to unload the farmhouse he’d lived
in for 27 years with his wife, my husband’s mother, until she left him
and filed divorce 8 years ago. Since that time, he had been alone. There
are three other siblings; one in the wind (sister), one about 30 min
from dad and one about an hour from dad. Not a single one checked in on
dad, his living conditions or his health. When the one brother did visit
it was to use the garage for his own needs and not stay long. This is
the tip of the proverbial iceberg of a tragically deep and wide boulder
of an issue.
When we arrived to pick up dad, he was in a state. It was hard for him
to leave the only home he’d known for nearly 75 years. It was hard for
him to let go of something he’d worked hard to keep, even if just
barely. The living conditions were, at best, poor. He had been eating
out of cans for over a year, his only hot meal was what the family that
bought the house from him delivered the day before. I think he may have
had hot meals when he visited his one son, but those occasions were so
rare he’s not sure he remembers eating. His wood stove had been sold out
of the house while he was still there as a vain and despicable attempt
by ‘family’ to force him to sell the place sooner and move out. This
last winter (we all know how long this winter has been!) he survived the
coldest nights sleeping in his vehicle with it running to stay warm. I
could continue, but the stories are so heart-breaking it would make you
sick.
Within 24 hours, we noticed dad seemed to come alive. He was a little
gray when we picked him up, and by the time we arrived in TN he was
getting rosy in his cheeks. We stopped and bought his first new clothes
in many years. He slept in a bed for the first time in decades. He has
his mind about him; he’s so terribly conditioned from many years of an
abusive relationship and neglectful children.
We were some of those children once.
Admittedly, it was always ‘the wrong time’ when he would call my
husband. After a few attempts, he’d call me. I rarely answered and just
passed him back to my husband. “Call your dad. He’s blowing up my phone
too.” After witnessing WHY he was so desperate to connect with us, I am
ashamed. I am angry with myself. The ‘we didn’t know’ excuse is so wimpy
and I take responsibility for my ignorance. While we really DIDN’T know
how bad things had gotten for dad, I have made it my mission to
console, guide and help him for the rest of his life with us. As long as
we are able, this gentle old soul will never see the inside of a rest
home, will have food, shelter, family and love.
Have we forgotten that we are COMMANDED by the Lord to see after one
another? Have we forgotten how we became the men and women we are today?
Are we so self-focused that we cannot see the real mission field begins
at home? I realize many folks do not have a choice; the mental and
physical conditions of their aging parent warrants a facility designed
to give them the best care and comfort. Yet for those of us with folks
like dad, who has his mind but maybe struggles with a little anxiety and
some physical impairments, he’s still able to shower and care for
himself; what say we of these?
We already share our home with my 89 year old mother. I am extremely
fortunate that to date she is still capable of managing her personal
care. She no longer drives and has lost sight in her left eye and can’t
hear worth a dime, but she is sharp in her mind and enjoys being a part
of a very active family. Adding dad, almost 75, who is quiet and quite
happy to return to a farming atmosphere is the icing on the extremely
complicated cake of many layers and flavors!
I am calling you out. I am not demonizing; I can totally relate to the
constant chatter, repeating myself a dozen times, the extra layer of
stress being sure she eats, drinks, where she is in the house, will she
be alone anytime during that day, what appointments does she have, etc. I
relate to frustration when we don’t see eye to eye and she doesn’t get
that she is incapable of doing certain things. It’s like a child but
worse; she has lived. Watching her deteriorate, even at a slow pace, is
heart-wrenching. New discoveries of what she can no longer do then the
revelation of what she can still do, and so much more than others
younger than her age. It’s literally a day to day carousel of emotion;
all on top of marriage, children, farm, businesses, faith-walk and now
dad.
I know one fact that most folks are terrified to admit; all families are
dysfunctional. Dealing with aging parents reveals the absolute worst in
some families. It reveals the selfishness of our younger generations,
like the businesses that turn over to the next generation just to watch
it railroad into the dust from which it came. Some of the most atrocious
acts of neglect today, while appalling, are not new. That’s the tragedy
of the whole thing. Some families literally IGNORE their family members
until they die, then rifle through the remains of their legacy for a
little cash value. I have seen this myself and I’m disgusted and mostly
saddened. Regardless the lives of these folks, their histories, these
are still people. Make peace with the past already, material things
don’t last and physical people don’t either. Which of these are really
more valuable? Dreadfully, I believe the former is true for more families than one can count.
What can we ‘look forward to’ then? I am no more sure of the future than
you. I just know that my conviction is to share our story, as each
chapter emerges, and pray someone will discover and help their family
members. Check in on them, even if they are crotchety old monsters. A
lot of the time, loneliness will create that defensiveness. One
of the most heart-breaking things dad has shared is those many hours he
spent just staring at the floor, wondering what he did to make his
children ignore him. If that doesn’t pull your heartstrings, well, you
must not have a pulse.
“Beloved, if God so loved us, we ought also to love one another.” 1 JN 4:11 KJV
Until next time,
Kimberly
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