As I have mentioned previously, writing has been difficult for me recently. I don't know if it is writing as much as it is, properly processing my thoughts, and sharing, without worry of judgment from others or maybe, even more so, judgment from myself.
I know that when I look back, this period in my life will be but a blip on my radar. And I don't want to make it more than a blip. I don't necessarily want to look back and read how difficult this process was.
I think I don't want to remember. I just want to remember the joy of this baby. I want to remember the good stuff. The fun memories with my children. So many people have written me or told me that I won't remember all this so vividly. I have to believe that is true. They have encouraged me to go easy on myself. That it is okay if I am on the couch more than I would like to be. That it is okay if I am not able to "do" all the things with them I would be liking to do.
But I just miss Wendi. Both physically and emotionally. I move slow. I think slow. I feel bad. My patience is not what it usually is. I feel that I am "selling my current children" short if that makes sense.
Emotionally, I feel like I am doing better. The anxiety has been tons better. The depressive feelings, just coming when or right before I get really sick. I have some good days, but I am still fighting daily with feeling really yucky. I have to take Ambien to sleep and am just, generally, struggling.
I am frustrated by that. I don't get it. I want God to save me. I want him to rescue me from this. I have three other children that I want to enjoy and take care of. I don't want to wish these months away. I don't want to have to rely on my husband so heavily. I want to be able to do it myself.
Myself.
Without God?
In a sense, when we don't need Him, do we really, truly lean on Him?
I received a link to this blog: When the Pressure Crushes You.
In the post above, Glynnis Whitwer wrote: "My self-sufficiency was slipping, being replaced by God-dependency. Peace snuck in where I didn't expect it. Circumstances didn't change, but my understanding did. God never needed to depend on me ... rather I was to depend on Him."
This is currently all I know. All I know is that each morning when I wake up, I have to completely rely on God.
That's it.
HE must be my only source of strength.
Whether you are feeling good, bad, or indifferent today, may you remember that too. That truly Jesus is all we need.
4 comments:
This reminds me of a conversation me and my almost 8 year old had the other day. We were watching a show and the lady said she felt guilty about something. Will asked me if I felt guilty. I said yes, sometimes because I can't give him the one-on-one time that he used to get before his brother was born. He said no Mommy, don't feel that way. Its a win-win situation. Noah has me to play with and I have him. I forget that sometimes. Made my heart glow! They really don't remember the bad. I promise.
Love you Wendi! Even though you haven't been writing as much lately, you are still very articulate and deep when you do post. And it is still very much a blessing to those of us who read. Thanks for being so honest and vulnerable.
I have prayed faithfully and I will continue to pray that God will take this from you. But, what we will have to remember is that though God hasn't given the grace of "taking it all away", he HAS given the grace of "getting through".
I couldn't agree with Joy more. Thank you for your honesty I too am praying for you and love reading your blog. You encourage so many people just by being who you are. It is refreshing to me that you are so real and the Wendi that writes is the same Wendi in real life. I'm praying that you have hope for the day and each new day as it comes. We serve an amazing God who orders each of our steps and His plan for us is always best. I can't help but think ahead years from now and see you ministering to many other women and giving them hope for their own futures because of what The Lord has done in your life. Love you!
I had an extremely similarly situation with my 4th pregnancy. After all the fertility struggles and with my other 3 kids depending on me I felt so guilty about how I was struggling. I wasn't supermom anymore, I was barely mom then. My older kids were 10, 6 and 2 then. Everyday of that 8 months was a struggle, physically and much more than that emotionally. The day she was born I was so relieved to be through it. I thought "now I can be me again!"
Truthfully, I was never "me again". I mourned bring that person for a long time. But now almost 7 years since she was born, I see that I was reborn then too. I am much more forgiving of myself and others than I was before. I have perspective for the hidden trials others face and I am better for it. I can love with parts of myself I never knew existed because I walked through the darkness.
You will not feel the way you do now forever, I can promise it. But when you look back, whether you wrote it all down or you just it keep it for you, you will remember that this time was painful and raw...just like beginnings always are, but the scars left are not horrid, they are beautiful reminders of a life worth living.
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