As I have mentioned previously, writing has been difficult for me recently. I don't know if it is writing as much as it is, properly processing my thoughts, and sharing, without worry of judgment from others or maybe, even more so, judgment from myself.
I know that when I look back, this period in my life will be but a blip on my radar. And I don't want to make it more than a blip. I don't necessarily want to look back and read how difficult this process was.
I think I don't want to remember. I just want to remember the joy of this baby. I want to remember the good stuff. The fun memories with my children. So many people have written me or told me that I won't remember all this so vividly. I have to believe that is true. They have encouraged me to go easy on myself. That it is okay if I am on the couch more than I would like to be. That it is okay if I am not able to "do" all the things with them I would be liking to do.
But I just miss Wendi. Both physically and emotionally. I move slow. I think slow. I feel bad. My patience is not what it usually is. I feel that I am "selling my current children" short if that makes sense.
Emotionally, I feel like I am doing better. The anxiety has been tons better. The depressive feelings, just coming when or right before I get really sick. I have some good days, but I am still fighting daily with feeling really yucky. I have to take Ambien to sleep and am just, generally, struggling.
I am frustrated by that. I don't get it. I want God to save me. I want him to rescue me from this. I have three other children that I want to enjoy and take care of. I don't want to wish these months away. I don't want to have to rely on my husband so heavily. I want to be able to do it myself.
In a sense, when we don't need Him, do we really, truly lean on Him?
I received a link to this blog: When the Pressure Crushes You.
In the post above, Glynnis Whitwer wrote: "My self-sufficiency was slipping, being replaced by God-dependency. Peace snuck in where I didn't expect it. Circumstances didn't change, but my understanding did. God never needed to depend on me ... rather I was to depend on Him."
This is currently all I know. All I know is that each morning when I wake up, I have to completely rely on God.
HE must be my only source of strength.
Whether you are feeling good, bad, or indifferent today, may you remember that too. That truly Jesus is all we need.