I'm so happy I have you

On the 28th we flew from Fort Lauderdale to Baltimore. We got a hotel. I got to see my friend Stebbs and her little guy William. We called the military flight to assure our 7:30am arrival time was still "a go." It was. We went to bed very early (6pm) and got up very early (5am) on the 29th to be at the airport. Only to get there and be told that our flight to the Azores had been delayed for a half day.

In other words, it would be leaving at midnight that night!

I had done a very good job of staying well rested during our three weeks in Fort Lauderdale. The depression and anxiety seemed to be getting better. (I had had three good days in a row.) But now, we were going to have to do an overnight flight with three tiny tykes. 

The reason was that the pilots needed rest time. I get that. It's important. But how does the military not know that before we go to the airport with our eight suitcases and three children? So frustrating.

The good news was that because we were flying on orders (not space available seats but assigned seats), they would give us a hotel room and some food vouchers to get us through that day. That was helpful. All the kids managed to nap a bit. But we still had to be back at the airport at 10pm that night for a midnight departure. Less than ideal.

Isaac slept the entire flight, curled up next to Daddy. Sidge managed an hour but was then wide awake. Abigail did not do well at all. She'd fall asleep for twenty minutes, scream for twenty minutes, fall asleep again, and repeat. There are only 30 seats on the plane so her crying was definitely not ideal for any of the tired passengers.

Thank the Lord for Auntie Connie who chilled with Isaac while Abigail and Sidge took naps when we got home She also started helping us unpack, do laundry etc. Oh praise the Lord for her presence! Daddy and Mommy tried to nap too. John successfully took a 4+ hour nap, but I was unable to sleep at all. By midday, I was an emotional basket case from the extreme fatigue and inability to sleep. At 5pm, I finally took an Ambien and went to bed (waking up at 9am the next morning.) The kids went to bed shortly after I did and successfully slept until 10am the next morning! 

During all of the anxiety and depression, one can start to feel a bit useless. A bit not needed. A bit down. I know that my kids need me and I am important, but when you are stuck in a fog, it is difficult to find your purpose. The last two days have been so rough for me, and that is why I find it no accident, that as I was hugging Sidge last night he said to me, "Mommy, I'm so happy I have you."

He's happy he has me! He needs me! Despite my weary and pathetic state, I am important. For God to give Sidge words I've never heard him say at that moment, was like a wake-up call. To push onward. To keep putting one foot in front of the other.

I will feel better.

And my children are happy to have me. Just as I am.