Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Evolution

I can just picture my husband. He can't access my blog at work. But he does get an email generated copy of every blog I write. I can just see this email popping up on his screen with the word "Evolution" plastered across it. JB gets excited. Wendi is writing about science. Finally something with a little scientific substance coming from the defrosting Polar North.

Dream on oh hubby of mine!

Science! Forget that! It'll be a scary day when this blog ventures into talk of scientific-related matter. No, this evolution I am referring to is a blog evolution. The evolution of my blog.

What started as a blog about infertility morphed into a blog about international adoption and then domestic adoption and then pregnancy. 1,835 posts moving through our journey to parenthood in ways no one but God could have ever imagined.

Prior to Elijah's arrival, the evolution of my blog was easy for me. It was natural. Adoption went hand in hand with infertility, at least for us. Isaac's arrival, at least I hoped, was not painful for people to read about. Adoption is something we can choose to achieve, (in most cases), while pregnancy is something we cannot choose. If we could, there would be no infertility.

Pregnancy changes all that. Changes the blog I mean. Pregnancy does not always go hand-in-hand with infertility. It doesn't happen to everyone. I don't know why, but it doesn't.

I truly never thought, especially after our fourth failed IVF in 2007, that I would ever be that woman. Pregnancy happened after adoption. But it happened to other people. (People like Amy!) (That's a joke Amy. I know you were thinking the same thing I was when you found out as well.) When people said the usual, "Just watch. Now you'll get pregnant," when we told them of our adoption, I rolled my eyes when they couldn't see me. Sometimes it does. But they didn't know our story. They didn't know about how much money we had spent and how many treatments we had done and how most everyone, including our doctors, had given up hope for us.

When we agreed to adopt Isaac, I was in the process of moving through the hopes of biological children. I was getting very close. Certain things were still painful for me: pregnant bellies and birth shows on TV to top the list, but certain things were less painful: trips to the park and birthday parties for example. I would experience those things as Isaac's Mom and so I had begun looking forward to them instead of dreading them.

And then I got pregnant.

I spent the first half of my pregnancy going through an identity crisis of sorts. An identity crisis on the blog and an identity crisis in person. I didn't like people to talk about my pregnancy or mention that I was starting to show. I was, in a sense, embarrassed. I felt, in a sense, guilty. I hurt for those who were still waiting while I had one boy and another on the way. I was ecstatic. I was thrilled. But I felt horribly undeserving of these two blessings. I know that sounds dumb. But it is the truth.

Midway through the pregnancy, I somehow came to terms with things. I'm still not sure how. Prayer probably. Prayer from a lot of you especially those of you who were close to me and were aware of how I was so precariously straddling the world of the infertile with the world of the mother. Midway through I began to open up about my pregnancy on my blog and with other people. Midway through I began to accept that I was now no longer infertile. I was already a mom, but I now was a pregnant mom.

So anyways, evolution. The evolution of this blog. Lately, writing on this blog has left me straddling two worlds again. There is the world that I hold so dear to me. The world of the women who have supported, encouraged, and stood by me during some very dark days. Many of those ladies have gone on to get pregnant themselves or adopt. But many are still waiting. Many still read my blog. I fear hurting those women when I write of my boys and my adventures in parenting.

And yet, that is the evolution of my life and this blog and my very being. I am a mother now. I cannot change that. I know when I struggled regarding putting pictures of myself on the blog of me pregnant, many of you encouraged me. You told me that this blog had followed our story and it was only logical that it continued to follow our story. The back story was what made our story our story. People needed to hear "success" stories as much as those that were unsuccessful. Goodness knows our story had seen both sides.

I'm rambling. Sorry. I'm not really sure where this is going. I guess I am writing to apologize? Or maybe I am writing to explain? Or maybe just to ask the opinions of those reading this? Where does this blog go now? My life, right now, is that of a full-time mom. I can't possibly come up with blog entries that avoid talk of that. That is what my life is now. Just like my life was infertility treatments or a new puppy or the adoption of Isaac. Now my life is diapers and bottles and fevers of 101 (like today! -- poor Isaac!)

I'm trying to come to terms with that. I'm trying to figure out how to keep my heart and head in adoption and infertility, two things that are very dear to me, while also fully embracing this new world I am in. I am so sorry if my attempt to be in both places causes anyone pain as they watch our story which will include additional IVF transfers and possible adoptions, evolve. I am sorry if I ever sound ungrateful after a long, hard day. I am sorry for any pain that the evolution of my life and my blog emits. I am sorry if I ever forget and am insensitive to any of you -- and by "you" I am referring to those in both worlds that I am now living in between.

I am working to allow my blog and my life in general, to evolve, but please know that my heart is still very present in both worlds, at the same time. I am a mom, yes. But I am also a woman who has adopted. I am a woman who struggled to have children. I am a woman who hopes to never forget the pain of infertility, the fear and amazement of adoption, and the awe of conceiving Elijah.

I really hope that this made sense . . . I am hesitant to even re-read this in fear that I'll realize it's just a mumbo jumbo of words and fail to post it. So I am clicking "publish post" right now before the perfectionism of my writing stops me or before I ramble onto another topic . . . something scientific maybe?

Thanks for listening. This blog is my online journal, and I know I have to allow it to be an accurate representation of where I am now. If it continues on for years, decades, then it will eventually a blog of new life events ... an empty nests and settling into retirement. Woah.

P.S. Happy Birthday Cousin Josh H.!

9 comments:

Jess said...

I felt a lot of the same things....it happened so quickly that when people would argue that you get pg afte ryou adopt, I would roll my eyes (not where they coudln't see, you're better than me on that!) and say "Sure, sure, except we were pg before we were matched and it's probably not so much relaxing as the three embryos they stuck in my uterus, actually, thanks."

It's frustrating and it IS an identity crisis. Not only to be a mother and pg mother, but to even be pg at ALL after IF. I had been the barren chick, the young infertile, and now I LOOKED LIKE (I think that I'm still infertile, and having a baby didn't change that) the young person who didn't know where babies came from. That part was HARD. Because while I still knew who I was, really, most people assumed I was a whole other person.

Sometimes I still struggle with my child-centered blo, but my advice is this...it is what it is. I used to be struggling to have a family, and that's what I wrote about. Now I'm "on the other side" and that's what I write about (with IF crap thrown in here and there, as it comes up). I do feel hesitant to start ttc again and write about that, but it too will be what it is, you know? People who followed you will mostly likely stay because they care...and you'll get new people, too. You can't be someone you're not! :)

Good luck with your evolution!

Flakymn said...

Thanks Jess! I so appreciate you knowing what I mean even if I didn't see it clearly. If anyone can understand this, you can!

Monkey Momma said...

I SO get this post. I've always struggled with self-identity anyways. But IF, especially P/L, just tossed my applecart into oblivion!

I'm rambling. Sorry. I'm not really sure where this is going. I guess I am writing to apologize?

First off, I don't think an apology is needed. To me, other infertiles, or anyone else. THIS is God's LIFE, handpicked for YOU. So you want to apologize for God's will for your life? But I COMPLETELY understand the emotion!

Where does this blog go now? My life, right now, is that of a full-time mom. I can't possibly come up with blog entries that avoid talk of that. That is what my life is now. Just like my life was infertility treatments or a new puppy or the adoption of Isaac.

I think God works through every phase of our lives to minister to those watching, whether they are going through the same life experience or not. I've had several fellow infertiles encouraged through my blog, simply because they no longer felt alone. (The same feelings I got through reading yours!) I've had several very fertile girl friends that read my heart on my blog and learned so much over the years. Somehow God used my experience to teach them how to be compassionate and loving towards others they might encounter going through similar pain. I guess it boiled down to me having to seriously face the fact that, sometimes, it just wasn't about me. Which is a hard pill to swallow in the midst of the grief and chaos.

So don't apologize for where you're at or where you've come from. God is being and HAS BEEN glorified immensely from all of it!

Amy T. S. said...

Huh. I'm stumped. ;o)

Tara said...

You never need to apologize. Everyone who knows you knows that you are constantly thinking of those who are not yet parents, or who are struggling with personal battles of their own kinds. Your sensitivity is outstanding, my friend, no matter what your home and own situation! Love you!

Joy Z said...

I just want you to know how much I appreciate your blog. I have never dealt with infertility, nor have I adopted, nor do I have "Irish twins". Being able to get a glimpse into your life and thoughts is such a gift to me!

I can see where you are coming from though, hesitating to share all the joys that God has given you because you know others don't have that and want it. I have two things like that in my own life as well. I hesitate to share the wonderful gifts that God has given me because I know that it might cause pain to others.

So, Praise God for the gifts he has given you and know that what you have been through, and how God has seen you through (and still is!) is such a blessing to others!

Anonymous said...

Even though I am infertile and don't yet have any children, your story has encouraged me so much. Anyone who reads your blog much at all knows that you have a heart and sensitivity for the hurting infertiles. It is encouraging to see and read about someone who has allowed God to use them to minister to others through the twists and turns of infertility, adoption and then a surprise pregnancy.

-RJMB from HP

Blackman Blog said...

Oh Wendi...You are so sensitive to others. I love that about you.

NO APOLOGY needed. I have to agree that THIS IS GOD'S BEST for you...as infertility was in that season. We must praise HIM in all seasons and be WHO He has made us.

I love your blog. I cannont relate, AT ALL, to infertility nor adoption. But I still love praying for you and others. I am glad God has placed you in our lives that we can learn and grow in these areas.

BE YOU...GOD WILL USE YOU WHERE HE HAS YOU!
I love you :)

Stacy said...

Oh thank you, thank you for sharing this post with me. It says so much of what is on my heart that I haven't been able to put into words!

I too feel as though I am between two worlds....I am an adoptive mother who struggled with pregnancy loss and infertility. Now I am a mom and pregnant. How do I wrap my mind around that after so many years?

All in time...thank you once again for your honesty. It inspires me to do the same.