Well we are no longer doing the January 18th transfer. I just got off the phone with the nurse and officially took my name off that date. We actually aren't doing a transfer in February, March, or April either.
We have decided ... to take a break.
Yesterday I met with a psychiatrist here at Mayo to discuss some of the feelings and emotions I have been struggling with. I hesitated to put on this blog that I saw a psychiatrist as sometimes there is a stigma associated with that, but you know, I haven't been well, and I'm not embarrassed by that. I don't think anyone should be embarrassed by that.
As I have mentioned, I have been dealing with some anxiety issues. In addition I have not been sleeping well and have been very overwhelmed by normal daily activities that I usually do with ease. I have, honestly, not been myself. I haven't wanted to attend social events and have avoided unnecessary conversations. Some of you may find that surprising as you have seen me and probably thought I seemed fine. But inside and at home, I haven't been fine.
The final straw occurred when I told JB that I didn't even want to go to Florida. Packing and preparing for the trip as well as figuring out what we are doing while we were there just seemed overwhelming to me, and I think we both realized that maybe we should have a professional make sure that everything was okay.
The good news? I am well. I am fine. My doctor was a fantastic Christian who believes that what I am experiencing and feeling is completely normal and understandable. However, he told me that if you keep getting hit by a Mac Truck, and then keep standing up and saying "hit me again", eventually, you won't be able to stand up and say "hit me again." He told me that I have to listen to my body because when your body is telling you something, it's for a reason.
My body is telling me, I need to stop being "infertile" for awhile.
Now obviously, I am still, currently, not fertile. But I have to take a break from being reminded of that on a daily basis. I need to take some time to vacation with my husband without trying to pack refrigerated medications and time where we are going to be so I can take my shot. JB and I can do some traveling and I can discuss going to Nigeria.
I also realized that I have to be very careful that I don't let infertility become my identity. There is more to Wendi than infertility, and I want to make sure I remember what those things are. Things I love to do like traveling, exercising, dining, socializing, writing. I don't want to lose those things because we feel the need to "press on" when my body is saying, "please stop."
So I wanted to let everyone know, that we are taking some time off. We may try to do a transfer in May or we may wait until after JB starts his residency either June 1st (military) or July 1st (civilian.) If we aren't at Mayo this will cost 2x as much because we won't have Mayo insurance, but I cannot continue to worry about that now. I just have to do, currently, what is best for myself and my husband. We will finish using each of our sticky babies, but just not right now.
So don't be surprised if my blog doesn't appear very "related-to-infertility" for awhile. I just want to take a break and try to remember some of the things I enjoy doing and love doing. You have to be careful, as with any major life event that comes across your path, that you keep things in focus. And I intend to do just that: refocus.
You may find that my blog entries are very jagged in the emotions you are observing. That is because grief and sadness doesn't move in a straight line. There are up times and down times, and as long as we are striving to trust the Lord, that is okay. I have decided that I will be honest on this blog. So I've allowed you to follow some of the workings on my mind and thoughts. This is just another sharp curve through those emotions.
I know many of you reading this blog are struggling with infertility yourself or are watching someone you love go through this. It will be difficult to tell them to "take a break" or even to convince yourself to "take a break". People suggested it to me, but I really didn't want anything of that. It is only when you are completely ready or your loved-one is completely ready that walking the path of no-treatment will seem like "the most brilliant thing to do". You'll know when it is time. They'll know when it is time.
There is a fear that while I am taking a break, people will be "catching up to me" or even "lapping me" as JB joked last night. That may be the case. You all can go on having your first or subsequent children. I have decided that it is okay if I fall "farther behind" or get "lapped". It isn't a race that I am even going to run right now. If you are dealing with infertility, you are probably already dealing with that fear and reality. You are frustrated watching everyone else receive the gift you wait for everyday. But time off won't change those feelings. What is an additional few months to that reality really mean in the long run?
For now we are focusing on finding out about residency and our trip to Florida. That's it. And that feels really good.
3 comments:
I'm glad you're at peace with this decision. We have taken several breaks throughout our battle with infertility...it is absolutely necessary sometimes. I hope during this time you can find joy in the things you once loved and you can sort things out emotionally and spiritually. I also hope the "Oh, NOW is when you'll get pregant!" comments are few and far between. ;) Blessings to you.
i cried reading your blog...how gifted in writing and sharing your heart you are...i am sure there are many like me who are not going thru infertility who have been thru something where we struggled to refocus on other things, the beautiful things, as our focus on "this one thing" seemed/was so important and what if we stopped? you writing so clearly helps us see ourselves as well and gives us freedom as well... I thought of the piece that was sung from the Messiah in our concert, as I read your blog, "He shall lead His flock like a Shepherd"...how I thank Him for leading you and John, and helping/letting you be gentle with yourself, as He is too! He will carry you in His arms...
I love you so much
Tante Jan
Wendi,
I am in tears here. Mostly because so much of what you said is my heart. My DH and I are on a break too. I don't think I realized how much energy was expended on TTC when what I really needed was to expend energy on my relationship with my Father and to just GRIEVE. So many don't understand the emotional pain that comes with infertility/miscarriage. Although there was a relief to not taking temps, drugs, and "timing" the most personal part of your life, there was an unexpected thing: the actual grieving process. Without all that "stuff" to keep me busy, I had more time/energy to just BE and I don't think I expected that.
I'm proud of you for making the decision, because it is VERY hard. You will be surprised with how relieving it is, but prepare yourself for some "work". The work of becoming closer to our Lord. It is a hard earned and yet rich, rich blessing!
I will pray that your little vacation go well and that He continue to give you mental rest and emotional peace. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
In Him,
Andi
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