Sunday church day in photos

Okay so today is Sunday. And today, JB had to work. Big surprise. Sorry, don't mean to sound frustrated, but we have been frustrated with the amount of Sundays he has been working. (We are very hopeful this is going to get better soon!)

So here I go to church and getting four kids ready and out the door. I opted for second service simply because I had to pick up a prescription from the Walmart Pharmacy that wouldn't be ready until well after first service would conclude. I always try to time my "town runs" to get multiple things done. I try to NEVER come to town two times in one day.

So we are doing well and ready to load the van at 9:50am. This is with the hope that we will actually pull out at 10:00am. (I am compulsively on time). This will land us at church at 10:30am for a 10:45am start.

At 9:50am, I learn the following things:

• Abigail has gotten on a wet swing and totally soaked her backside mere seconds before it is time to go. 
• (I opt to not care and hope it dries by the time we get to church.)
• Sidge decided to climb over a makeshift kennel I had made for Arabelle at the bottom of our stairs to use an unoccupied toilet.  
• (She is due to have puppies any day and this is a "safe" area I have created until we build a whelping box.)
• Isaac is in his seat in the van but has forgotten his water bottle. 
• (I send him back into the house as water bottles are a mandatory requirement for travel in my world. There is always a child complaining of unbearable thirst while we are out, and I refuse to buy water!)
• Hannah was actually completely ready and dressed appropriately and in the van.
• (It's a miracle!)

I had a big white bleach spot on my jeans but just could not find my other pair of jeans. White spot is shown in picture below:



I decided not to care about the bleach spot and wear a t-shirt and just be okay with my casual look at church. However, once at church, I decided to put my kids-ministry-pick-up-sticker right on top of the bleach spot! (I always stick this sticker on my pants to prevent losing it by the time we pick up the kids.)

Perfection and problem solved! Check it out below:



I sat down in service simply so happy to be in a soft, comfy chair with children all in their classrooms. It was a great service, and I was just so happy to have an hour to myself with God! I was sitting next to and behind fellow mothers-of-four whose children are now considerably older than mine. They totally felt my relief.

After church, I headed to Walmart to pick up my prescription. It was not ready :( Since Walmart is usually not my happy place, I decided to make the best of it. First up: we were going to find CHEAP water bottles. I found these:



I used to buy "top notch" water bottles that would stand the test of time. The problem is, the kids lose these like they are going out of style. I have instead decided to switch my strategy and go with cheap bottles that may break but will probably be lost before they are broken.

One of the "problems" I have encountered with four little kids of opposite genders is that they all want to look at toys. But with two boys and two girls, they want to be on two different aisles. Here I am taking pictures of them on opposite aisles as I stand at the end poking my head back and forth between the two aisles:





FYI: I do not buy my kids ANY TOYS. Unless it is for a special occasion (birthday or Christmas or reward), toys MUST be purchased with your own money. This really solves the "Can you buy this?" problem!

(Although Hannah doesn't seem to remember this rule very well and picks out incredibly expensive items she needs regularly.)

Okay so the end to my day was a good one. While standing in the check-out line, my good friend Erin pulls up in the lane next to me. She has two daughters who my girls just LOVE. (Ironically they pair up with the opposite ages that are closest to them based on personality.) Erin says, and her words came out as if in slow motion:

WOULD
YOUR
GIRLS
LIKE
TO
COME
OVER
AND
PLAY?

and then in equally slow motion she said:

AND
I
CAN
BRING
THEM
HOME?

Sweet Jesus! Miracles do happen!!

The weather is cruddy, and I knew I had to get back to the farm and have the boys help me move sheep so not having the girls to occupy (or "help") was like music to me ears.

FYI, my no sugar thing hasn't been going so well. So Sidge asked me, with the girls not with us, if he could try this new snack as we were checking out. He loves Hershey's so I let him try them, and I decided to "try" them with him.

The verdict: we were NOT fans. Hard to believe I wouldn't be a fan of these but they were just TOO RICH for both of us. (And that is hard to do with Sidge, my fellow chocolate lover, and myself.) Not for me. Won't ever get them again.

Not that I should anyway. I'm supposed to be not eating sugar. :(

Renovation of the upstairs girls toilet/shower area

BEFORE!

DURING!

AFTER!

We Bought a Farm: THE Swingset

I have spoken on my Blog in the past about why we have chosen, at least for at time, to stop doing birthday parties with our kiddos. (You can read that post here.)

We have instead started allowing our kids to pick (with guidance from us) an "experience." We've done Dollywood and a fossil museum and the aquarium and things like that.

Last July, Abigail turned six. The little lass loves to swing. She taught herself last May as I showed in this video. And then when her birthday came up in July she asked for swings instead of an outing. We agreed that this was proper use of the non-birthday party idea. 

So we got right on it. I was pretty adamant that I didn't want a little kiddie swing set. Our boys were already nine. I wanted something kids could be on for years. And I wanted something grown-ups could get on too. But buying one of those kinds of swing sets is expensive. So we enlisted, after much looking, a local welder.

Who never did the job.

This welder sat on it for months and months, and after my father-in-law went in repeatedly to see where we were in line, he finally said, "I don't know if I'll ever get to it." Unbelievable! 

We found another welder who was too busy. All the while, Abigail's birthday is getting farther and farther in the past. John finally gave up trying to find someone local to make the swing set and got online and bought one. It was more money than we wanted to pay, but we decided it was worth it for the years of fun and exercise it would bring to us here. 

It's a monstrosity! (I mean it came with paperwork to do monthly "maintenance checks" for crying out loud.) But it's awesome, and the kids will be able to swing on it for years to come. 

JB and Grampa and the kids did all the set-up a few days ago which included letting the concrete dry. Today, while JB was at work, Grama helped them get the final pieces together. And then, when Daddy got home from work at 7:30pm, Abigail jumped on for her first swing!!!

Needless to say, our hearts were soaring right along with her!!

Daddy and Gramps were discussing whether they were a little crooked. They want to do a little tweaking, but for now, we are good to go!

Friday Funnies with Hannah

Today Hannah told us that she has named her toe. "My big toe is named Big Tony. And my littlest toe is Doesn't taste so good."

Speaking of Hannah, here is what she put on today to go move the sheep.

Baby doll, boots, sundress, and knee-high princess socks.

A close-up of the socks!

Took the baby doll with her too. :)

Reno: Upstairs ALMOST done

We have a girls shower!!! Ain't it pretty. Funny story. Abigail, Hannah, and JB went upstairs to look around. Abigail said: "Daddy, who is THAT shower for?" JB smiled and said, "That's for the girls." Abigail blushed as if she couldn't believe her good fortune to get the NICE shower. Hannah's response was "Of COURSE it is."

We have carpet!!! Here's a photo of the boys' room. Unfortunately we couldn't move in today as there is some clean up that needs to occur at the start of next week. But we are right at the finish line!

A peek into the girls' room. There is a strip of wood in their room where we will be putting a built-in!

We Bought a Farm: Campfire

I love the opportunity just to get outside with no advanced planning at all! We decided to have an impromptu bonfire last night. We already had wood stacked up, and we found some marshmallows in the cabinet and just went outside for some family time. Farming isn't easy but I can't imagine ANY OTHER LIFE!!!

 

Before I show bonfire pictures, check out this beautiful lush area on our farm where we have run chickens, sheep, and pigs. You can tell how beautifully the land is healing, especially in comparison to the brown areas behind it.

Sidge is full of inventions!

If there is one thing Elijah loves ... well, two things ... it is Star Wars and anything with light sabres. (Is that how you spell that?) If there is one thing that Ritter loves it is belly rubs for ANYONE who will give them. Sidge decided to combine the two into his own invention. So fun!

How a city girl, gone country grieves (and raises cows): A Decade Ago

 How a city girl, gone country grieves 

(and raises cows)

I met Kimberly through farming. She, like me, has been dropped into this life and is learning to love it just like me. She is a Christian, however, our pasts are nothing alike. I've asked her to share her story on my Blog over the next weeks or months or however long it takes. It is filled with much grief and loss but will hopefully make you laugh and smile and grow and grieve along with her.

Until you have written your child’s obituary… 

Try writing two.

In my experience, neither time is any harder or easier than the other and the divide between myself and even my closest relatives became starkly clear in the end.

This week marks a ten year milestone for my oldest son’s death. He took his own life by hanging, was revived and in a coma for three days then died on the fourth day. I learned a lot about life, death, suicide, grief, connection, disconnection and myself during those three days. I knew when I saw him lying hooked up to life support that he wasn’t coming home with me. At least not the way I’d hoped.

The abridged version is that when he was 19, he decided he was moving to Kaua’I, Hawai’I to learn how to be a tattoo artist. There is a lot of history behind his decision to move that far and I remember telling him, I can’t help you over there! That’s 5,000 miles away! He assured me he had the situation under control. What do we do as parents? We let them go. We are either a sail or an anchor and I opted to be a sail. 

A few months after he’d moved, I had an opportunity with some family members to visit him in Kaua’i. It was a very short visit and he seemed happy with his new life, which included a whole family. He showed me the sights and we spent very little time alone together (I think only about 45 minutes actually) and when he took me to the airport to catch my flight, I couldn’t bear to have him wait with me. I kissed him, hugged him and sent him on his way. I sobbed so deep and hard when my flight took off, as if I suspected then I might never see him again. I really hate it when I'm right.

On three different occasions later that year he had called to come home. All three times, he bailed on catching his flight. The last time, it was us trying to get him home to rally together for a family issue and he flat refused. He had ugly words with his father, which will forever be the last thing he ever spoke to him.

Later that same week, I got a late night call from one of his friends. I let it go to voicemail. He called again and I knew something was up. I answered and this friend (who had also been like a surrogate son) tells me that my son had tried to hang himself and he was in a coma. 

Has your blood ever run cold? Do you know what the hot flushing in the face feels like? Do you know what it feels like to have your stomach hit the floor, your knees give out, your voice thin and wispy? That was the first 90 seconds of my response. I made him repeat it. I couldn’t believe it. Even now I remember exactly where I was standing, exactly what it felt like. Some memories cannot be erased, no matter how much time passes. It’s a haunting, horrible memory.

I made arrangements to fly out as soon as possible. In the meantime, his father was a day ahead of me getting to him. I spoke with nurses, doctors, anyone who could give me some hope. They were all very kind and supportive and loving. And every one of them told me the truth; it did not look promising but yes, miracles do happen. 

On my million hour flight there, I delved deep into the Word. God spoke to me throughout that entire trip, giving me some peace in my extraordinary pain. The fear of not knowing. The fear of knowing. It was the longest ride of my life. 

When I arrived to the ICU room where he was, I saw my firstborn baby boy hooked up to every imaginable machine. What’s worse, his father actually looked in worse shape than he did! I set my bible at the foot of our son’s bed and looked his father directly in the eye and said ‘I have enough faith for both of us. We’ll get through this.’

It was abundantly evident at that time that our son was NOT going to make a recovery. His body went over 30 minutes without oxygen. It was actually a miracle they revived him enough to hook him up. Some decisions had to be made. The ‘how would you like to finish killing your child’ choices. He had ‘Organ Donor on his ID, which prompted a whole new list of options. I think of it now and it’s maddening how quickly it all happened. We did opt for ‘passive’ donation, and our son was able to help folks through his death. The torment was watching him go.

After I had been there 24 hours, we checked into a hotel that the social worker had set up for us. We had been divorced over 10 years, so my only thought on the way to the hotel is 'separate beds, please'. It must have been the shock, because we got along like siblings. Like this was a perfectly natural visit to islands with someone I’d know over 20 years. We ate and fell asleep, then hospital called at 3:15 in the morning to tell us he had taken a turn for the worse. 

Morbid humor alert: Do you know how hard it is to find a taxi at 3:15 a.m. on one of the most remote of Hawaiian islands? We finally reached the social worker, who came for us and we were at our son’s bedside by 5 a.m. 

At this time, our son’s vitals were all over the place. One eye had dilated and fixed, no response to pain, and though he was on a ventilator, he had been breathing on his own about every 3^rd breath.  His fever had spiked and they increased the morphine so he wouldn’t feel any pain. During this entire experience, he never opened his eyes or spoke. He never moved. 

We kept watch that morning, filled out appropriate paperwork and went to get a bite to eat. We needed fresh air and time to prepare ourselves for the remainder of the day. At this point, we opted to extubate him and let him go. 

When we returned, it was about 20 minutes after we’d left, and his nurse was there. His name was Ray and he had been with our son since his arrival. I think Ray may have even known our son, he seemed particularly fond of him and spoke well of him like he did know him. Or at least knew the family he’d stayed with. Nonetheless, Ray looked at us and said, ‘Are you ready?’ Those words held in the air for so long. No, I’m not ready. But I have to be.

God is merciful. I saw that firsthand that day. Our son actually had stopped breathing entirely on his own before he was extubated. That means he died on his own. Immediately after his tube was out, I put my head on his chest and could hear his final heartbeats. I wrapped his arm around my neck and listened until there was nothing to hear. And I completely let go and sobbed uncontrollably. As I do now. As I will forever on these days in April.

The days and weeks that followed were, as you can imagine, surreal. The support that poured out of nowhere, the admonishment and blame that came from everywhere. It was a tumultuous time. Probably the very hardest part of it all was his funeral. It had been nearly a year since my children had seen their brother, and to watch them grieve in disbelief and shock and pain to this day is the most difficult thing a mother can endure. The friends that showed up and the family that stepped out, it was a defining moment in my adult life. One that's left scars of its own in multiple facets. 

It has been ten years this year. I shudder to call it an anniversary; that implies good feelings and celebration. Some years have been more tolerable than others, this year is particularly difficult. Between farm life frenzy, family life drama and my Meno-Me personality conflict, it's hitting harder than most. I'll survive it. Getting through the next several days by staying busy and productive will ease the weight of emptiness. That hole that was punched in my  life will never heal, but with time new life grows around it and makes it less noticeable. 

My prayer is that my sharing this with you will help you understand. The taboo of suicide keeps many survivors quiet. My prayer is that just knowing there are some of us out here exploiting our pain is intended to bring comfort in those dark and lonely corners. 

I'll explain more about the first time I ever wrote my child's obituary another day. Until then, may God in His infinite wisdom hold and keep you.  

Damon Michael 5/25/1988 - 4/16/2008

Kimberly

We Bought a Farm: Ouch!

Check out little Abigail's finger -- done two days before her piano recital. She fell off a ramp gramps was using to service the lawnmower and just bruised her finger something awful. She also chipped a tooth in the process. Ugh!

Tribe Life Tuesday: The Manner of Mindfulness

We Bought a Farm: A Fourth Chicken Catcher

While out with Ms. Anni the yesterday, Hannah showed off her chicken catching skills! This is a new thing for her. In the past, her big siblings would catch the chickens and hand then to her but all of a sudden, she has jumped in with them! I absolutely LOVE the second picture. The chicken looks as big as her and she is just showing NO FEAR.

Sometimes farm life is hard. I had a hard last week on the farm. And sometimes I wonder if it is worth it. And then I see my kids living outside and loving nature and learning from that nature, and I am just reminded that I am exactly where God wants me to be!

We Bought a Farm: Rotational Grazing!

 

Isn't this amazing to see what was a VERY rocky paddock looking THIS lush and green?! Here is what we have done for it:

• This paddock is not the result of only rotational grazing with sheep. Here is what we did for this paddock:
  • First our sheep grazed it.
  • Then our mobile chicken coop was parked here.
  • Then our pigs tore it all up.
  • Then I reseeded it with a mix of pasture seeds and clover.
  • Then our mobile chicken coop was parked here again.
• This area was an almost dead, rocky mess. Now it is one of the most lush areas on the farm.
• I call this Rotational Grazing Plus. 🙂

To read more about how we rotationally graze our animals, click here!

We Bought a Farm: Some More Joni Pictures

Wednesday of last week was a cold one on the farm. We keep thinking winter has passed, and then it surprises us and sticks around some more. Isaac was feeling a little under-the-weather so Joni went on a farm walk with the youngest three children and took some really fun pics!

 Not sure who talked Joni into climbing INTO the dog kennel area. There is a gate you know Joni!

We made a nice ladder to the clubhouse, but the kids have come up with their own separate entrances.

Inside the clubhouse with one of my Turkish pashminas to keep her warm.

We have named a little shortcut on the farm that passes Scrubs' grave after him.

Our best dog ever.

Lest you think you are the only one with crazy ...

Over the last week, I've hit my "living in a construction zone" wall. The house is so coming together, but oh I am so ready to have it completely back to itself. The kids being squished together in close spaces on days like today when it is raining the entire day make it even worse.

Actually, right now? They are all in the van waiting to leave for Bible Study with me. I told them to go in the van so I could have five minutes of "safe time" to write this Blog and just BREATHE .... deep BREATHING.

Honestly, I hesitated to even post this video because it literally was so insane. I mean goodness knows I could not plan to have a pick axe (is that even what it is?!) pop up onto the screen or to find the dog snuggled up with Hannah on her toddler bed in the middle of the living room.

Lest anyone ever think there house is the only one filled with crazy, I present to you BAUERNHOF KITSTEINER in the middle of complete housing renovations.

We Bought a Farm: A great Farm Dog

We have two wonderful dogs living with us on our farm.

Ritter, our boy dog, is a loyal "yard dog." He simply loves love and is perfectly happy staying close to the house and next to anyone who will pet him. (Although he really shows a little bit of preferential treatment for my housekeeper Robin. I think that may have to do with the fact that she feeds him Triscuits.) Ritter never barks at anyone (unless Arabelle is leading him to.) He would go home with anyone who gave him good pets. He is everyone's dog. He currently can't go too far from the house because he has not proven reliable around other animals on the farm. 

Arabelle is nothing like Ritter. She is the one who barks at newcomers and keeps an eye on the farm. She is also, without a doubt, my dog. I didn't intend for this to happen at all of course. She chose me. She doesn't want to stay at the house. She wants to go everywhere with me when I do chores. She will sit in the rain and wait for me to finish. She will lay down on the side of a pasture for hours while I do work. She truly considers it her job to accompany me in whatever I do. She walks among the chickens and "helps" me move the sheep without causing any issue.

(As a side note, I do NOT bring the dogs out together on the farm. Because Ritter is so unreliable, he can actually lead Arabelle astray. But when he isn't with her, she is totally great.)

She also doesn't always like to go all the way out with me to my chores. I think this has to do with the electric fence and the fact that she has sometimes gotten shocked. Sometimes she will come, but often, she simply chooses a place to wait for me to do my chore and come back.

I managed to capture a video of Arabelle "doing her job." This dog is one of those crazy dogs you've heard about but didn't believe existed. Every time I call her, she comes. If I tell her to stay, she stays. If I tell her to leave, she leaves. She simply wants to please me with every command. 

Oh, and did I tell you .... SHE is GONNA be a MAMA!!!!! We are expecting Puppies. (And yes, Ritter is the dad -- they are not siblings.)