The Words in My Brain

It's hard to believe that I lived my entire life with the mantra in my head that I am now so cognizant exists. 

It is incredibly exhausting. 

The moment that I am (1) tired (2) overwhelmed (3) confronted by a spouse or child or friend about some tiny mistake I made, I find myself spiraling. 

I call it spiraling. I also call it pinging. I just pop around from thing to thing in my brain. From negative message to negative message. And I just want it to end. 

I don't want to hear: 

You are a failure.

You are a terrible mom. 

You are a terrible wife. 

Your kids will need therapy. 

You can't keep up. 

You will never get it all done. 

It will be like this forever. 

I just want the noise to stop. 

I think part of what is so challenging, now, post having a wake-up in therapy is that, instead of the thoughts just flying in and circling and hanging over me, I am aware that they are there. 

I used to not be aware. They used to just be there. I used to walk around with the negative words just hanging over me: 

You are too much.  

You are too dramatic. 

You are too loud. 

You are too BIG. 

You are annoying. 

Everyone hates you.

No one likes you.

I am not sure what it is worth. The message being "in there" but not realizing it's there OR the message being "in there" and being very aware that it is there. 

Of course, actually, I know the answer to this. My awareness of this is how I begin to heal. Looking the sickness in the face is the beginning of sending it on its way. 

But seeing it is SO SO painful. 

I sometimes wish I could put it all back in the box, all the bad wiring that I didn't even know I had, so I can live like I used to. And yet, I know what I used to do was live in a prison. 

I once heard a story about a research study. A group of dogs were in individual kennels. They would face random shocks throughout each day. Just a few times a day.

A week after it began, they added new dogs to the kennels. And those dogs, the first time they were shocked, went running out of those kennels so fast. But even with the door open and the freedom to leave, the shocked dogs chose to stay in their prison. 

At least it was a prison they knew. 

That's how it is, isn't it? 

We choose to stay in prison instead of face the fear of something so unknown to us. 

I am so tired of pinging. 

I am so tired of spiraling. 

I am so tired of being exhausted and overwhelmed and feeling like a failure. 

I am so proud of how far I have come. But some days I realize: Man, Wendi, you have a long way to go.

And some days I come face-to-face with the fact that I can't be on the floor with as many people as I'd like supporting them because I am still on the floor myself some days.  

Oh to long for the day all of this passes away and we can be with Jesus where there is no pain and no hurt and no sadness. 

I cannot wait for that day. 

But in the meantime, I must heal for the sake of my friend. For the sake of my family. For the sake of my children. For the sake of the future. 

The Lord is truly doing something BIG amongst the women in my life. So many of them are reaching the same place I am at the same time. We are all looking our trauma in the face ... together. I must continue to believe that the intentionality of out Heavenly Father will continue to prove itself faithful to me. 

Always.