In this episode, Adam talks to Aundi Kolber, author of the book: Try Softer.
I could relate, so early on, to what Aundi says about white-knuckling. For such a long portion of my life, I was able to white-knuckle my way through nearly everything. However, when she had children, she realized, I can't just force my way through things. This is why I believe my breakdown happened when it did. Being a parent brings everything to the surface.
There is a great cost to survive our past. Can we honor that? Can we honor the person who did so much just to still exist? That is sacred. This means talking to ourselves in a kind way. You aren't a burden, Wendi. You are worth healing.
"I didn't know how to listen to my own needs or the rhythms of my body, consequently, when stressful times arose, I dealt with them the only way I knew how, by just trying to push through them, shaming myself in the process."
Ohhhh, does this statement resonate with me on so many levels. I have said this often on my Blog, but I had no idea how to even acknowledge what I was feeling. I had no idea how to put words to what was inside me. And, in fact, I don't think I was even aware that there was something inside of me that needed to be looked at.
My exhaustion right now in life is so incredibly present. Just a little bit of socializing, and I feel knocked on my butt. Where is extroverted Wendi? Is she gone forever?
Maybe.
But more likely, this new Wendi is just learning that she has limits. She needs rest. She can't just push through her limits at all costs, all the time.
We deal with stress by trying harder.
Pressing on.
Pushing through.
Power up when the going gets tough.
Especially when we are anxious or disregulated or fearful. This book, will offer an alternative way of responding to our bodies when we are stressed.
Try Softer is a framework, and one of the primary goals is to learn how to pay compassionate attention to our experiences. Can you actually witness yourself? Can you think about thinking? Can you observe that you have an emotion? When someone says something to me, I notice something in my stomach. Instead of pushing it away, can we notice it? Can we think about that?
In order to try softer, we have to attune to what is happening in our own body? We have to have awareness.
Wendi's initial response was always to push. And this often resulted in, eventually, exhaustion, depression, and anxiety.
The question we should as ourselves is: "What do I need?"
Our culture, in general, does not teach us how to do this. Your internal experience matters. How I am with myself matters. How I am with myself in pain matters. The information your body is giving you, matters. Your body is giving you a MAP! Why won't we look at the map?
WINDOW OF TOLERANCE
I have been learning so much about the window of tolerance. This is operating within our limits. If we exceed that limit, we will go into flight, flight, or fawn. And going off-line, means we can't pay compassionate attention to ourselves anymore. Aundi discusses how this understanding changed her life. This is what I want to echo! This has majorly changed my life! I am now so aware of what is happening in my body. I can feel that I am not doing well. And I can see that I need to pay attention and get myself back online. My pre-frontal cortex has gone off-line. I need to get back online!
"When stressful times arose, I dealt wit them the only way I knew how, by just trying to push through them, shaming myself in the process."
The shame is the internal conflict that says something like this: You got to push through this. Keep working. Keep going. People are depending on you. They need you. You need them to need you.
And somewhere, there is a voice inside you that is saying: I am tired. I need a break. Can we not?
And the shaming part will kick-in hard again. It doesn't want to allow you that freedom. Do you think people will be there for you if you don't do this thing?
There is a part of us that is protesting the pushing. And now, for me, a new part of Wendi has emerging. And she is turning in on the shame voice.
Wendi, as a very little girl, got very strong. And she did all the things. And she was known for that, just like Aundi in the podcast. She was known for powering through. She was always there for people. She didn't drop the ball. She could handle anything and everything.
Until suddenly, my body forced me to admit it was no longer working.
Aundi points out, when referring to the study of the stories of our lives that:
1. Your personal story (in your family of origin) is not just a concept. It is written in the neurobiology of your brain.
2. Your personal story refers events, emotions, ideas, sensations, and relationships that you've experienced.
3. Those events, relationships, experiences, are inscribed in your body and they affect how we seen the world.
All of those things are actually affecting our physical bodies! And this has proven in neroscience. Our experiences changes our brains and that creates a filter for how we see the world.
If you grew up in a home that you did not feel safe in any way, your brain must prioritize danger and threat, there are significant alterations to our brain. We, as humans, have a natural tendency to scan for danger. But if you have grown up in a home where there was danger or a threat, turn that volume up. If that hasn't been repaired, that is what we are carrying with us. What we pay attention to, shapes our brain. So if you are continually on that look-out of: who doesn't like me? who doesn't love me? then you are missing the sunsets and the look on your children's faces.
We live in our world where we do not name or recognize our grief. There is a cost to not being able to see the goodness of the world. And it is worthy of grief. The willingness to look this in the face, will allow you to have a new tenderness and compassion and kindness ... for yourself.
"Learning how to be with our stories, in our bodies, without becoming overwhelmed by or numbing our past experiences, is the way we will learn how to actually handle and move through the grief and anxiety that come up."
What does it mean to be with our stories?
If you are in a survival brain, you can't see with any noticing or space. There is only reaction.
If you stay in your WINDOW OF TOLERANCE, then you have the capacity to notice. You have the capacity to be with your story because you are healthy enough to do that.
Does vulnerability feel like a "threat" to your body? It shouldn't! To ask for help should not feel like weakness! This can be because, for me, for someone to see I was weak, presented a threat to me.
We are building, little-by-little, the safety to say "I'm vulnerable." It can start small. With your spouse. With one friend. It may not have been safe for the child to have needs. But you are no longer a child. However, your body is wise. It's been down this road. It is trying to protect you. Your nervous system is working properly by distrusting.
I must show myself that I am safe. That my friends are safe. That my husband is safe. God is with me. Your body must begin to believe that it is possible. And that will help your system not be so locked up. Your system can start seeing the truth.
You may feel that there is no one there to be with you. It may be just one person. You may have to take a small risk.
"In order to try softer, I have to be aware of what I am feeling in my body."
Before Wendi could respond to her anxiety, I had to figure out how to get my pre-frontal-cortex online. This part of our brain will shut down to protect us. What do you do when you pre-frontal-cortex shuts down and goes off-line. The further we are outside of our window of tolerance, the least likely we are to have any reflection or capacity. Or even to notice.
My cousin Cara was the first one to teach me about this. I'd be on the phone with her, sobbing. I couldn't see the truth! Where was it!? Why could I see it yesterday, but now, I can't believe the truth. Where is the truth? Come back to me!
Cara would say, "You can't see it when you are in it. That's okay. I'll speak the truth for you. You just hang on until you can see it again."
I didn't understand at that point that what she was doing was being a surrogate cortex for me until mine started working properly again.
Sometimes you can get so far out of your window and you are so far gone. GROUNDING is a great way to try to get back into the present moment. Pay attention to something you can actually feel. Take your shoes off. Feel the grass. Hold a rock. Notice the weight. Try to bring yourself back to reality. When our bodies are really disregulated, it is a way of almost leaving ourselves.
Each time you do this, you are making your muscles stronger. And each time, your body will believe you a little more. We are teaching our bodies to tell the difference between past and present. That was in the past. We are now in the present moment. This moment is actually safe. Do you see the grass? Do you see the sun? Do you see the threat? And our body says, "Ohhhh, it IS in the past."
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