Episode #112: The Power of Compassion and Curiosity Toward Ourselves

 These posts were written beginning in December of 2024. However, I am posting them years back so that they are not at the top of my Blog, and if you want to read them, you need to go "find them!" :)

In this episode, Adam talks to Aundi Kolber, author of the book: Try Softer.  

I could relate, so early on, to what Aundi says about white-knuckling. For such a long portion of my life, I was able to white-knuckle my way through nearly everything. However, when she had children, she realized, I can't just force my way through things. This is why I believe my breakdown happened when it did. Being a parent brings everything to the surface. 

There is a great cost to survive our past. Can we honor that? Can we honor the person who did so much just to still exist? That is sacred. This means talking to ourselves in a kind way. You aren't a burden, Wendi. You are worth healing.

"I didn't know how to listen to my own needs or the rhythms of my body, consequently, when stressful times arose, I dealt with them the only way I knew how, by just trying to push through them, shaming myself in the process."

Ohhhh, does this statement resonate with me on so many levels. I have said this often on my Blog, but I had no idea how to even acknowledge what I was feeling. I had no idea how to put words to what was inside me. And, in fact, I don't think I was even aware that there was something inside of me that needed to be looked at. 

My exhaustion right now in life is so incredibly present. Just a little bit of socializing, and I feel knocked on my butt. Where is extroverted Wendi? Is she gone forever? 

Maybe. 

But more likely, this new Wendi is just learning that she has limits. She needs rest. She can't just push through her limits at all costs, all the time.

We deal with stress by trying harder. 

Pressing on.

Pushing through. 

Power up when the going gets tough. 

Especially when we are anxious or disregulated or fearful. This book, will offer an alternative way of responding to our bodies when we are stressed. 

Try Softer is a framework, and one of the primary goals is to learn how to pay compassionate attention to our experiences. Can you actually witness yourself? Can you think about thinking? Can you observe that you have an emotion? When someone says something to me, I notice something in my stomach. Instead of pushing it away, can we notice it? Can we think about that? 

In order to try softer, we have to attune to what is happening in our own body? We have to have awareness. 

Wendi's initial response was always to push. And this often resulted in, eventually, exhaustion, depression, and anxiety. 

The question we should as ourselves is: "What do I need?"

Our culture, in general, does not teach us how to do this. Your internal experience matters. How I am with myself matters. How I am with myself in pain matters. The information your body is giving you, matters. Your body is giving you a MAP! Why won't we look at the map? 

WINDOW OF TOLERANCE

I have been learning so much about the window of tolerance. This is operating within our limits. If we exceed that limit, we will go into flight, flight, or fawn. And going off-line, means we can't pay compassionate attention to ourselves anymore. Aundi discusses how this understanding changed her life. This is what I want to echo! This has majorly changed my life! I am now so aware of what is happening in my body. I can feel that I am not doing well. And I can see that I need to pay attention and get myself back online. My pre-frontal cortex has gone off-line. I need to get back online!

"When stressful times arose, I dealt wit them the only way I knew how, by just trying to push through them, shaming myself in the process."

The shame is the internal conflict that says something like this: You got to push through this. Keep working. Keep going. People are depending on you. They need you. You need them to need you.  

And somewhere, there is a voice inside you that is saying: I am tired. I need a break. Can we not?

And the shaming part will kick-in hard again. It doesn't want to allow you that freedom. Do you think people will be there for you if you don't do this thing? 

There is a part of us that is protesting the pushing. And now, for me, a new part of Wendi has emerging. And she is turning in on the shame voice. 

Wendi, as a very little girl, got very strong. And she did all the things. And she was known for that, just like Aundi in the podcast. She was known for powering through. She was always there for people. She didn't drop the ball. She could handle anything and everything.

Until suddenly, my body forced me to admit it was no longer working. 

Aundi points out, when referring to the study of the stories of our lives that:

1. Your personal story (in your family of origin) is not just a concept. It is written in the neurobiology of your brain.

2. Your personal story refers events, emotions, ideas, sensations, and relationships that you've experienced. 

3. Those events, relationships, experiences, are inscribed in your body and they affect how we seen the world.

All of those things are actually affecting our physical bodies! And this has proven in neroscience. Our experiences changes our brains and that creates a filter for how we see the world. 

If you grew up in a home that you did not feel safe in any way, your brain must prioritize danger and threat, there are significant alterations to our brain. We, as humans, have a natural tendency to scan for danger. But if you have grown up in a home where there was danger or a threat, turn that volume up. If that hasn't been repaired, that is what we are carrying with us. What we pay attention to, shapes our brain. So if you are continually on that look-out of: who doesn't like me? who doesn't love me? then you are missing the sunsets and the look on your children's faces. 

We live in our world where we do not name or recognize our grief. There is a cost to not being able to see the goodness of the world. And it is worthy of grief. The willingness to look this in the face, will allow you to have a new tenderness and compassion and kindness ... for yourself. 

"Learning how to be with our stories, in our bodies, without becoming overwhelmed by or numbing our past experiences, is the way we will learn how to actually handle and move through the grief and anxiety that come up."

What does it mean to be with our stories? 

If you are in a survival brain, you can't see with any noticing or space. There is only reaction. 

If you stay in your WINDOW OF TOLERANCE, then you have the capacity to notice. You have the capacity to be with your story because you are healthy enough to do that. 

Does vulnerability feel like a "threat" to your body? It shouldn't! To ask for help should not feel like weakness! This can be because, for me, for someone to see I was weak, presented a threat to me. 

We are building, little-by-little, the safety to say "I'm vulnerable." It can start small. With your spouse. With one friend. It may not have been safe for the child to have needs. But you are no longer a child. However, your body is wise. It's been down this road. It is trying to protect you. Your nervous system is working properly by distrusting. 

I must show myself that I am safe. That my friends are safe. That my husband is safe. God is with me. Your body must begin to believe that it is possible. And that will help your system not be so locked up. Your system can start seeing the truth. 

You may feel that there is no one there to be with you. It may be just one person. You may have to take a small risk. 

"In order to try softer, I have to be aware of what I am feeling in my body."  

Before Wendi could respond to her anxiety, I had to figure out how to get my pre-frontal-cortex online. This part of our brain will shut down to protect us. What do you do when you pre-frontal-cortex shuts down and goes off-line. The further we are outside of our window of tolerance, the least likely we are to have any reflection or capacity. Or even to notice.

My cousin Cara was the first one to teach me about this. I'd be on the phone with her, sobbing. I couldn't see the truth! Where was it!? Why could I see it yesterday, but now, I can't believe the truth. Where is the truth? Come back to me!

Cara would say, "You can't see it when you are in it. That's okay. I'll speak the truth for you. You just hang on until you can see it again."

I didn't understand at that point that what she was doing was being a surrogate cortex for me until mine started working properly again. 

Sometimes you can get so far out of your window and you are so far gone. GROUNDING is a great way to try to get back into the present moment. Pay attention to something you can actually feel. Take your shoes off. Feel the grass. Hold a rock. Notice the weight. Try to bring yourself back to reality. When our bodies are really disregulated, it is a way of almost leaving ourselves. 

Each time you do this, you are making your muscles stronger. And each time, your body will believe you a little more. We are teaching our bodies to tell the difference between past and present. That was in the past. We are now in the present moment. This moment is actually safe. Do you see the grass? Do you see the sun? Do you see the threat? And our body says, "Ohhhh, it IS in the past."

How to be WHOLE

Be vulnerable. 

Be real. 

Be open.

Be honest. 

I love Jesus. I will always be a Christian. But ohhhhh how I have learned what a screwed up message the Christian church has given us over the years. 

I am not sure where this bad message originated from. I do know that the incorrect messages seem to be widespread amongst adults. It does feel (and I have no scientific evidence to back this up) that these messages are improving. That many of the Christians (I speak mostly of those in America) appear to be giving their own children a different message. 

I truly pray that is the case. I pray that we begin to teach our children the truth about Jesus. These truths include the following: 

1. You do not have to DO anything for Jesus to love you. 

2. And, on the flip side do not have to PROVE your love for God. 

3. Sin separates; but forgiveness is close at hand. 

4. You are not alone. You are not the only one. Satan attempts to isolate us and make us feel that we are the only one struggling. We are all struggling in life. Everyone! Some people have found better ways of coping, but in the end, we live in a sinful world.  

5. God is intentional. He is so, so real and so, so sovereign.

These are just a few of the things I have been feeling and of course, this is only what I am observing from my very narrow perspective. 

I do know that the following is true from most of the Christians I am currently encountering: 

1. Counseling is no longer seen as "only for the really crazy." 

2. Being real and honest and vulnerable is more accepted. 

3. Understanding the gravity of "trauma" is shifting to the forefront of people's minds.

4. Grading sin "levels" is seen as less and less appropriate. 

5. Grace is making a comeback. 

Of course, again, I really have nothing to back that up. Only a "feeling" I have through encounters I am experiencing with other Christians both online and in person.

As I have made myself more vulnerable and shared some of the intensity of my past, I have found that the flood gates appear to be flying open. So many women are reaching out to me, asking me, sharing with me. Could they benefit from therapy? Is what they are feeling the same as what I went through? How do I know? What do they do next? What is EMDR? What is story work?

It truly feels like there is a revival occurring. Suddenly, all these mental breakdowns or "mid-life crises" we have heard about in people in their 40's and 50's actually make sense to me. Her body has had enough. Her body has decided it will no longer allow itself to be abused. It is time to stop the madness.How does she stop the madness? Is she the only one experiencing this madness? Please, let the madness stop.

I refused to look at the madness. I truly didn't see it. I couldn't see it. Until my body threw up its' hands and said, "We refuse to move forward. We cannot move forward. You have run us in to the ground. And in order to save your life, we are going to collapse on the floor and refuse to work. We will stop eating. We will barely function. And you ... will ... 

LOOK

AT

YOUR

PAIN!

I, now can say, without hesitation and in a vehement fashion, that I refuse to live as I have lived. 

I will never go back to the prison of my past. 

And, even bigger than my own pain, I refuse to allow my children to inherit the living that I was doing. 

(It's why, I believe, children are so integral to our future in society. It is only truly in loving someone else completely selflessly that we can see the depth of our pain and what this generational sin is doing to upcoming generations.) 

I am also determined to provide my children with "The Big 6" in their lives. This means that I will strive, with every fiber of my being to be: 

1. Attuned to my kids. 

2. Responsive to my kids. 

3. Engaged with my kids.

4. Helpful in teaching and encouraging them to regulate their arousal. 

5. Strong enough to handle the emotions of my children. 

6. Willing to repair after any mistakes I may make (either real or perceived).

Our children need this! They demand this! I don't care if you are 20 or 40 or 60 or 80. It is not too late to look this in the face. There is a reason why old people become incredibly crabby and disgruntled as they age. There is a reason why they scream and fret in their old age. 

The crap of the previous decades has gone somewhere. It is in their body. It will be in your body. Do you want to let it live there?

If you are dealing with any of the following things, there is a good chance what you are feeling is truly not physical. 

Don't get me wrong. The pain is real. The emotion is real. The struggle is real. 

But going after it from a physical side may not actually add up to much. 

Instead, going after it from a mental side, might make all the difference. 

If you are experiencing: 

1. Depression ...

2. Anxiety ...

3. Physical pain/body aches/sensations without a known or clear cause ...

Your body may be physically reacting to something that is actually mental in origin. That was the case with me. I actually think that my migraines and my anxiety and depression was all the same thing. It was all my body's way of attempting to alert me. It was attempting to deal with the stress I was putting on it. 

And I refused to listen. 

(Actually, I had no idea that I needed to listen.)

I am so excited about participating in Adam Young's year long conference. I am so excited to get this opportunity to heal in community. We have a group of eight local women that are going to do this together. If you are interested in this conference, please do not hesitate to reach out to me at flakymn@hotmail.com. Adam's Podcast has played such a massive part of this journey.

Episode #150: Trauma Heals by Connecting With Others

 These posts were written beginning in December of 2024. However, I am posting them years back so that they are not at the top of my Blog, and if you want to read them, you need to go "find them!" :)

To be HUMAN is to need other people. This was true when you were three. It was true when you were thirteen. And it is still true today. God made you to need other people. In Episode #150, Adam Young discusses why it is so vital to engage your story with other people.

"Connection with other human beings is a biological imperative." If you don't have sufficient connection with other human beings, you literally become a little less human everyday. You need emotional connection with other people. 

"Skin is significantly overrated as a barrier." It is more accurate to say that you and I exist within each other rather than apart from each other. When two people are in physical proximity to each other, their respective nervous systems are deeply intertwined. "There is no me apart from us."

Relationships are crucial for life and especially in healing. We are not separate from each other. We have genetically embedded need for connection. And doesn't this feel like an unfortunate truth? (Especially if you lack close relationships.) But if you can align with it, it can guide you into healing.

You cannot engage your story alone. A journal, and A Bible and a good view out the window is not sufficient to heal your wounds. Adding God to the mix is also insufficient. (This sounds sacreligious, but holy cow is it true! This is by God's design. It's his fault! It is the natural bi-product of being created in the image of The Relationship. In the beginning was The Relationship ... the triune God. We need more than just God. He made our brains and nervous systems to need one another. 

Let's talk Paul. "Where is this resurrected Christ you preach about?" people asked him. Paul would not have pointed to the heavens! He would have pointed at other Christians. For Paul, the resurrected Christ was visibly present in other believers ... in the body of Christ. He is alive on planet Earth. He is living in and through other human beings!

When your nervous system is sufficiently supported by another, settled, wise, nervous system (another human being offering witness and presence), than your nervous system will heal naturally. He made our physical body to heal naturally. AND he made our emotional and mental self to heal naturally well. 

An integrated brain is a healed brain. 

Your wounds will heal naturally when the environment is right. There are people who can help you explore your story. They will really listen to you. 

Your life will only make sense after it has been witnessed by another. 

My job as a friend may be to just bear witness to someone else's story. The opposite of trauma is not "No Trauma." Trauma's opposite is connection. Bad events only turn into embedded traumas when there is no witness to offer connection and care and presence. It doesn't matter how awful the experience is. If you have comfort and support, then the awful experience you just had will not become an embedded trauma that we carry in our body. 

We are very resilient when we have access to sufficient care and support. If you faced abuse, you need people to engage your story with you so that you can heal. You cannot engage your story yourself. You have to experience it with other people

WHY DO WE HAVE TO SHARE OUR STORY?

1. In order to heal, you need to experience LIMBIC RESIDENCE. Your brain needs to experience someone empathizing and attuning to your big emotions. You need to FEEL FELT. You cannot feel felt by yourself. In that moment, an interpersonal joining happens. And this creates the environment for the brain and body to heal. You must be understood and validated. The more deeply you feel a particular emotion, the greater the need to feel felt during that moment. It is very vulnerable to risk sharing big feelings in the presence of another. If you don't get the proper response, you will feel high levels of shame. It's the opposite of what you needs.

2. In order to heal, you need to feel your unfelt feelings from the past and you can't do that by yourself. Big feelings from the past are inherently disregulating. The interpersonal "connection" between a counselor and a client, allows the client to feel safe enough to feel her own feelings. And this can occur between safe friends as well. The brain heals as unfelt feelings are integrated! "Addressing trauma requires a focus on the resolution of unresolved emotions of painful, past experiences." We must focus on disregulated and/or unintegrated emotions. The client has warded off these emotions. But this is where counseling started for me! The emotions need to be fully experienced! You must feel your unfelt feelings in the presence of another person.

3.  Healing requires the accurate co-construction of your narrative. This means your story needs to make sense. It needs to be coherent. The process of making your story coherent is vital and it requires another human being to help with this. All the characters in the story need to be named well. This includes you yourself! Each characters dignity and depravity must be clearly articulated. The temptation is to sugarcoat the story. But you can't fully access your unfelt feelings unless these characters are clearly stated. Trauma means that often, the story can't be told. It's too hard or uncomfortable to tell. You and your "person" that is helping you (a therapist or a friend) must be able to help you see your truth truthfully. When you finally arrive at a truthful telling, then your brain is final able to connect neural networks that were previously disconnected. In editing our narratives, we reorganize our brains!

BENEFITS OF SHARING YOUR STORY

So what are the benefits of engaging your story with another person?

1. The process of reflecting your story!

2. Sharing your story with another person!

3. Hearing that person's reaction to your story!

The process of sharing connects neural networks that were previously separated. And it does this by: (a) The left and right hemispheres becoming more connected. (b) The prefrontal cortex becoming more connected with the limbic portion of your brain. 

Connection is what leads to healing!

Most of us modern people are waiting for the village to appear. We want to find the people we need and know that they ...

1. ... care deeply about me

2. ... are more mature than me and stronger than me

3. ... are eager to respond to me by providing comfort, care, and guidance. (They are "for" me). 

4. ... are willing to make themselves available to me when I need them? 

Can you imagine if you had 2-3 people in your life that fit that description? I did! I had that! And now I am able to be that for other people by starting this local group here with SEVEN OTHER AMAZING WOMEN! 

I am incredibly excited to be a part of this group. This is going to be eight of us coming together to work on healing from things that have gone in our lives ... together!

For many of us, the village was not there for us when we were growing up. So we begin to isolate to figure things out on our own. It can be very difficult to feel a sense of true belonging. This is because true belonging knows that this is knowing in the depth of our building that the village is there for us. 

I am so blessed to have a village now. But even if you do NOT have a village, you can get a village. This conference is something you can do too! I will be on every call with you. This can be your community. You are not alone. NO ONE IS ALONE!

Most modern cultures lack elders. An elder is someone who knows how to handle their power. Elders are warrior kings and queens that know (a) that they have power (b) that their power is intended to be used on behalf of the community and particularly on behalf of the wounded. 

Most of us are waiting for the village to appear so that we can fully acknowledge our sorrows. We are ready to risk speaking candidly about our struggles and fears so that we can heal. 

"Imagine the feeling of relief that would flood our whole being if we knew that when we were in the grip of sorrow, our village would respond to our need." The village will show up immediately and help you through the hard! What if you didn't have to figure out healing all by yourself?!

The village can be very hard to find. What matters the most is that you persist in the looking. 

Find and develop a small community of like-minded warriors to help engage your story. Grit and persistence will take you further than you might imagine. It is important to avoid: (a) telling no one (b) telling everyone. 

The person you choose to engage must have earned the right to share in your story with you. 

It is very important to be judicious about who you give editorial permission over your life. Which voices do you respect enough to give their words weight? That list should be short. 

In the course of my journey, I had a great group of support. My two aunts (Connie and Janet) were part of that. So was my cousin Cara. In addition, I obviously had my counselor/therapist Kim as well as a few other friends that I would reach out to occasionally like Stebbs, Meredith or Erin. 

FINDING A GOOD "HELPER"

Sadly, most licensed therapists won't take you deeper into your story. This is because most therapists have not engaged their own story. Most therapists didn't go into this field for altruistic purposes. They want to look at other people's hearts and relationships. That allows escape of their own problems. Coaches or story consultants might actually be more helpful than an actual licensed therapist. Credentials tell you nothing about a particular counselor's skill level. Good job! You made it through graduate school. But we need more than that. 

So how do you find someone to help you? Firstly, use WORD OF MOUTH. If your friend is growing and maturing, find out who your friend is working with and contact their therapist and interview them. Make sure you ask at least these four questions:  

1. What have you done to engage your own story in the last three years? 

2. Do you receive regular video consultation and from whom? (Who do you have accountability under?)

3. How will your understanding of trauma inform your work with me?

And ...

Remember you can always switch to someone different!

Share any of your thoughts on comments on this post! I hope Adam can minister to you all as much as he is ministering to me. 

What I have learned so far ....

 These posts were written beginning in the fall of 2024. However, I am posting them years back so that they are not at the top of my Blog, and if you want to read them, you need to go "find them!" :)

This year has meant so much learning and growth for me. So, so much. More than words could ever adequately explain. I had to come to the very bottom of the barrel in order to need God so incredibly deeply and fully. I had to come to the end of myself so that I could rely completely on Him. 

It was HELL. 

I am not completely through it. But I'm through the horrendous depression and anxiety that completely devastated my body and spirit and soul for about eight months. Now, there is still learning that is occurring, but I understand this and don't need to be brought to my knees in order to see what it is He needs to show me. 

 

There are eight of us, locally, who are going to be spending the next year working with Adam Young on additional healing and growth. I am so excited to get this opportunity to heal in community. Adam's Podcast has played such a massive part of this journey. I am incredibly excited about this opportunity in my life. 

In the meantime, I decided to compile of list of some of the things I learned included: 

1. You are enough. 

2. Your pain is relevant. 

3. You don't have to prove anything for God to love you.

4. You don't have to DO anything for God to love you. 

5. We all have messages trapped inside of our brain. 

6. Our brain attempts to rewire itself to save time and save our lives. 

7. Our brain's wiring is often faulty. 

8. We must have safe people/community in the healing process. 

9. Boundaries are crucial to survival. 

10. Expressing your emotions is integral to a healthy life. 

11. You can name pain without blaming. 

12. You may have to get angry at sin and the hard things in your life. 

13. If intentional, you will not stay angry. 

14. We do not have unlimited capacity in our life. 

15. The greatest thing we can do for our children is to heal ourselves. 

16. Children require SIX KEY THINGS from their parents. I must strive everyday to give these to my children. 

17. The message I tell myself is often one that is not very kind. 

18. I need to speak to myself with compassion and caring. 

19. God is incredibly intentional. 

20. God will make what I need to do very clear. 

21. God is working behind the scenes always. 

22. I do not need to earn God's love OR man's love. 

23. I am a caring person! Celebrate that!

24. I am not too much. (Too loud, too dramatic, too big, etc.)

25. I am who God made me to be. 

26. People-pleasing is a choice. However, I may need to do work to give myself the strength/ability/stability to know how to navigate the past trauma that is causing this. 

27. I can be happy in Jesus even if others are disappointed in me. 

28. Just because someone comes to mean with emotion, doesn't mean it's my job to fix it. 

29. My own energy should be one of my top priorities. 

30. LISTEN TO MY BODY!

31. Even the Grand Canyon gets bad reviews. 

32. Even if I make a mistake, I still deserve boundaries. 

33. No one else lives in my body. 

34. Grief is allowed to come out. 

35. Sadness is welcome. 

36. Sickness doesn't mean I did anything wrong. (It is what it is.)

37. Emotions are important. 

38. My job as a parent is to teach my children to be able to handle their emotions. 

39. I must be strong enough to handle my kiddos emotions. 

40. My kids rely on me to help them regulate their emotions. 

41. I don't have to get it right with my kids every time. A majority of the time is good enough. 

42. Am I willing to repair with my children? This is one of the biggest jobs I have.

43. What would I say to myself if I was my own best friend? 

44. If I am losing my cool with my kids, it's because my parenting is flawed.

45. Losing your cool (or facing another "trigger") is a result of a wound I have being rubbed up against. 

46. Medication will not stop my anxiety/depression. It will only mask it. Sometimes this is necessary. But I must get to the root of it. 

47. You must go through the pain to heal from the pain. Jesus didn't get raised from the dead until he went through from Good Friday to Sunday. 

48. I am a pretty cool person. I have a lot of good qualities. 

49. My "window of tolerance" is a huge part of keeping my mental health "healthy."

50. I am a #badass.

The Words in My Brain

 These posts were written beginning in the fall of 2024. However, I am posting them years back so that they are not at the top of my Blog, and if you want to read them, you need to go "find them!" :)
 

It's hard to believe that I lived my entire life with the mantra in my head that I am now so cognizant exists. 

It is incredibly exhausting. 

The moment that I am (1) tired (2) overwhelmed (3) confronted by a spouse or child or friend about some tiny mistake I made, I find myself spiraling. 

I call it spiraling. I also call it pinging. I just pop around from thing to thing in my brain. From negative message to negative message. And I just want it to end. 

I don't want to hear: 

You are a failure.

You are a terrible mom. 

You are a terrible wife. 

Your kids will need therapy. 

You can't keep up. 

You will never get it all done. 

It will be like this forever. 

I just want the noise to stop. 

I think part of what is so challenging, now, post having a wake-up in therapy is that, instead of the thoughts just flying in and circling and hanging over me, I am aware that they are there. 

I used to not be aware. They used to just be there. I used to walk around with the negative words just hanging over me: 

You are too much.  

You are too dramatic. 

You are too loud. 

You are too BIG. 

You are annoying. 

Everyone hates you.

No one likes you.

I am not sure what it is worth. The message being "in there" but not realizing it's there OR the message being "in there" and being very aware that it is there. 

Of course, actually, I know the answer to this. My awareness of this is how I begin to heal. Looking the sickness in the face is the beginning of sending it on its way. 

But seeing it is SO SO painful. 

I sometimes wish I could put it all back in the box, all the bad wiring that I didn't even know I had, so I can live like I used to. And yet, I know what I used to do was live in a prison. 

I once heard a story about a research study. A group of dogs were in individual kennels. They would face random shocks throughout each day. Just a few times a day.

A week after it began, they added new dogs to the kennels. And those dogs, the first time they were shocked, went running out of those kennels so fast. But even with the door open and the freedom to leave, the shocked dogs chose to stay in their prison. 

At least it was a prison they knew. 

That's how it is, isn't it? 

We choose to stay in prison instead of face the fear of something so unknown to us. 

I am so tired of pinging. 

I am so tired of spiraling. 

I am so tired of being exhausted and overwhelmed and feeling like a failure. 

I am so proud of how far I have come. But some days I realize: Man, Wendi, you have a long way to go.

And some days I come face-to-face with the fact that I can't be on the floor with as many people as I'd like supporting them because I am still on the floor myself some days.  

Oh to long for the day all of this passes away and we can be with Jesus where there is no pain and no hurt and no sadness. 

I cannot wait for that day. 

But in the meantime, I must heal for the sake of my friend. For the sake of my family. For the sake of my children. For the sake of the future. 

The Lord is truly doing something BIG amongst the women in my life. So many of them are reaching the same place I am at the same time. We are all looking our trauma in the face ... together. I must continue to believe that the intentionality of out Heavenly Father will continue to prove itself faithful to me. 

Always.

Episode #17: What it looks like to actually grieve your wounds

 These posts were written beginning in the fall of 2024. However, I am posting them years back so that they are not at the top of my Blog, and if you want to read them, you need to go "find them"

 

Jessica Smit Mattingly painting*

Andrew Bauman released a film and a book called A Brave Lament. You can watch the movie on YouTube if you click here. Both the book and the movie chronicles the time of losing their son. You can listen to the entire podcast here: The Place We Find Ourselves: What It Looks Like To Actually Grieve Your Wounds. Bauman also has a book that just came out called Stumbling Toward Wholeness.

"Grief always exposes who we are." Andrew Bauman

I used to be terrified of losing JB. He was (and is) so much of ME. I've been with him since I was a teenager. How can I live without him? 

And then, in February of this year, I fell into a deep, deep pit. It was a pit SO deep, I truly thought it might kill me or might send me to the hospital in an attempt to save my life. 

And, somehow, in the. midst of healing FROM that intense depression and the wounds that had caused that depression, I actually found myself understanding that if I lose JB, I will know how to grieve. If I lose a child or a dear person in my life, I don't have to fear it. I will have to grieve it. 

Grief will expose where you are on your healing journey and how prepared you are for that grief. 

Grief is one of the most natural inclinations of the human heart, and yet, in our culture, especially our Christian culture, it's avoided at all costs. People do not want to grieve. Pastors want us to celebrate their life. But we aren't crying because they are in heaven. We are crying because we are going to miss them.

"The wailing of broken hearts is the doorway to God." Rumi

Please don't misunderstand me as I type this piece. I love Jesus. I love my Christian community. I think Church is incredibly important. And I understand that it isn't perfect. But I learned some incredibly damaging thinking accidentally through the church. I say accidentally because I really don't know that anyone meant to teach it to me. I want to believe it wasn't intentional, as I can't come up with any reason people would want to give that thinking over to me. 

But I learned, in general, that my body was bad. That I could not trust my gut. If I was sad, I shouldn't be. God didn't want me sad. He wanted me happy. He wanted only good. He wanted me to only confess good. He didn't want me to be negative. This was coupled with my elite athletics which taught me that my body needed to hurt. That I needed to remember, "No pain, no gain." And so, I avoided pain or I willingly sat in it. I saw crying or sadness as BAD. I thought it meant that I was weak.

And, as I was able to hear in this podcast, this therapist and his wife, when they lost their first child, knew that they could not run from it. And this episode chronicles their attempt at living through their grief. The Bible is full of scriptures that encourage us to grieve. And in fact, we watched Jesus grieve when Lazarus died even though he knew his friend would be coming back to life.

"Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted"

In fact, in Isaiah we find out that Jesus knew there would be broken-hearted here because he has come to bind up their wounds! He knew there would be people who would be broken.

In this movie, there is a scene where the author is on the ground, wailing, and his hand is reaching up for his son's coffin. He didn't want his son to be alone. He wanted to be able to hold him. And he needed to grieve in this way. This film is encouraging others to grieve your losses. To do it bodily, intentionally, persistently, and to allow for rituals for that loss. Small things matter. You are allowed to create a ritual to say "this matters" and "this is important."

We have permission to feel our pain, grieve it, and to grieve it publicly. They don't mean you have to grieve with the general public, but with your community. It is almost a counter-cultural experience to be allowed to grieve with people. They had people who chose to bear with them in their agony. They admit that the community they had around them wasn't usual, but that it should be. We need to lay our masks down and start showing our humanity and blessing our humanity. We have to let our wounds show. Church is not a social club. 

Sometimes, given the severity of our anguish, we are given no choice but to grieve in this matter. I know that that was sort of true for me in the depths of my depression. You get to a point where you don't care how uncomfortable you make people in your grief. We need to have integrity toward what we lost. Someone told Andrew in the course of his grief, "You are going to have another son." That isn't what he wants to hear! Sure, he might have another son, but saying that is saying we don't want to grieve. We want to fix their sadness. We want to get them through it as fast as we can. Grief in super uncomfortable.

A poem from Andrew's book:

Just touch me. 

Will you hold my hand? 

Though its cold and bony

Will you embrace me tightly?

Can you wail as I wail?

Curse as I curse?

Pray as I pray? 

I don't want to be fixed.

I want to be known. 

Once you are in that "suffering club" you have no choice but to be "in the club" and help people suffer. We don't know how to suffer well. And people don't know how to suffer well or they just don't know what it is like. What we actually need in these situations is to be with people where they are. Emmanuel, God with Us. You aren't asking for a lot in that you just need someone to sit with you. But what you are actually asking someone to do is to die with you.

I want your presence kneeling by my bed

Feeling useless

Powerless

Helpless

For then you will understand 

A small part of me

That few have had the courage to know.

I recognize this will cost you greatly. 

But deep down, I will learn my worth

From the measure of your sacrifice.

Do you hear the ripple of the gospel in this? Do you hear Jesus ask his disciples to DIE to themselves and follow him? You must DIE to fix others. You must DIE to fix other people. We must DIE to ourselves so we can suffer alongside someone who is suffering. We have to allow our bodies to be present next to someone who is in that level of anguish. And that is overwhelming. And yet, there is no possibility of resurrection  apart from that. 

Not everyone gets this, but everyone deserves the privilege of having people to grieve alongside them. And, even if you have to go back to work and can't take time off to grieve, will you create space to create a ritual to enter into the pain even if it is only in your bed at night? If you do not give yourself permission to grieve, it will come out sideways.

This is where this discussion crosses over into my personal journey through immense depression and anxiety. I had friends and family members who called me on the phone and listened to me sob. Do you know how uncomfortable that is? Do you know how horrific that is? My Aunt Connie once said to me after I had gotten through a particularly challenging time that she remembered me texting her I was "barely surviving" that day. And she, in turn, had thought about trying to tell me to go outside. But she didn't. She just sent me a virtual hug. And what a gift that is. There was no fixing the depths of my sadness at that point. 

What I needed was to be FELT. I needed to cry. I needed to be heard. I needed to be unavailable sometimes. I needed to grieve. I needed to be encouraged TO grieve. My cousin Cara was probably the most valuable resource I had during the six months of HELL that I endured. I am not a phone talker, and I don't think I had ever had a conversation with my cousin on the phone. But during a particularly hard day she told me she was willing to listen if I needed to call.

I remember immediately thinking, "Well I will never call her. How could I do that?" The thought of calling someone who I was only a little bit close to and simply sobbing while on the phone felt utterly impossible and ridiculous.

And then Cara called me! I remember seeing her name on my phone screen and thinking, "Oh my gosh! She is willing to sit here in this with me? She is willing to listen to my grief in heart-wrenching sobs." And I picked up the phone, and I cried. I cried so hard. I laid on my closet floor and simply allowed my body to convulse with sadness. 

And she just listened. Sometimes she'd offer an encouraging word that, since she had been where I was before, she felt she could offer. But sometimes she didn't say anything. And if she hadn't experienced the level of my sadness, she may not have felt qualified to offer words. 

But the gift she gave me in that time was simply beyond words. 

My Aunt Jan would occasionally pop by my house. I always knew that if I couldn't see her or couldn't talk or could only lay in my bed and cry, she would allow that. Jan was grieving the loss of my presence. We are dear friends and she was fairly new to Tennessee, and yet she willingly allowed me to sit in my sadness and she sat there with me. During the worst, I couldn't eat. So she brought a dessert one time and gave me a spoon and just encouraged me to take one bite. And I did. (I lost 45 pounds in the course of this beast of grief -- but don't despair -- good ol' Wendi gladly put it right back on when the journey got better!) (That sentence implies some humor and sarcasm.)

I had another friend, "Stebbs" that would just get on Marco Polo and encourage me. Some others sent cards. Another waited until I felt the need to call her to be reminded of truth. Some friends would patiently not hear from me for weeks or months but then, willingly, allow me to simply sob on the other end of the line. I remember my friend MaryKay and her husband Richard just praying for me and weeping with me and calling a relative who had battled depression for some advice in how to encourage me. 

"Sadness doesn't sink a person. It is the energy a person spends trying to avoid sadness that does that." Barbara Brown Taylor

Oh man ... does that not resonate with me? I had  to not hide my sadness. Nothing was harder than going to church and pretending I was okay. Sometimes I would drag myself to church and just go collapse in the cry room and rest during the entire sermon. Sometimes I couldn't go at all. Faking it was simply too unbearable. 

It can feel like, if you go into the pain, you'll never come back. If you start crying, it'll never stop. A terrifying monster comes to our door. If we block the door and hide in the corner, the monster hasn't gone anywhere. It still controls us. What would happen if instead, when grief comes to our door, we have a seat with it on our couch, talk to it for fifteen minutes, and then say good bye to it for the day. What if we said to grief, "Why are you here? How can I help you?" 

The monster does not need to rule you. Can we become intimate with our shame? Our grief? Our self-hatred? Without the judgment? Without the part of us where shame rules us? 

It's the welcome of Jesus. Can you embody the Father in yourself and towards your own self? You need to let the parts of you that you have "shusshed" for so long, speak some words. 

This is another part of my journey that has been incredibly challenging. I had not idea the amount of shame and guilt and hard stuff that I had shoved down within myself. And, because I had refused to look at it, it was bursting out of me. It was coming out sideways. 

That's what I've learned here. The stuff you don't look at, will force itself to be looked at. If you don't allow it to be seen, you will find a way to cope. You drink. You sleep around. You eat. You battle depression. You yell. You lose your cool. You stress. You control. 

That's how it comes out sideways. 

If you want to heal completely, you MUST look at your past. If you refuse to do it, it will not ever fully grieve. You may find ways to cope, and I understand the choice to not look at trauma in the face. But every single person in the world HAS trauma. And by trauma I mean, things that have hurt you and messed with your perceptions of the present. You must look it in the face. You must grieve it. Some people will be able to do that without many issues whatsoever. But some people, like me, will be forced to do this in a really challenging season of sadness and anxiety because I refused to let it come out of me otherwise. 

You may have longing for something in your past. We hate that we long for a relationship that we know we won't ever have. It's still god  in you that you do long for it. So avoiding the longing won't make the longing go away.  Contempt can block your desire. But do not hold your longing in. Contempt may cover up shame. But it will keep desire at arm's length. 

Sometimes we feel, if we can make the need go away, we won't feel so much agony. But as an adult, you need to reclaim the idea that desire is good. 

"If we can give ourselves permission to grieve, then daring, devoted friends will show up. If those people do not show up in your time of need, ask yourself if you are allowing your brokenness to be seen or if you are just breaking in isolation." Andrew Bauman

Sometimes we feel, if we can make the need go away, we won't feel so much agony. But as an adult, you need to reclaim the idea that desire is good. 

And if those friends, can't be there, you might have to kindly let them go. And that's okay. And there may be people that allow their brokenness to be seen, but they don't engage with those trying to help very well at all. But for many of us with trauma, the temptation is to hold the pain close and not let others see it. Can you hold it back from some people and have boundaries AND open yourself up to the right people and risk and be vulnerable as well. Your trauma is a pearl. Do you cast them before swine? 

How do we come to terms with the deep loss and tragedy that marks all of our lives? What do we do with that loss? How do we engage it honestly? How do we engage it in a way that allows for the movement of the spirit of God in the human heart so that we can get back into the stream of life? 

*This is a painting I purchased and is hanging in my bedroom. In this painting, a woman finds the resilience to persevere and overcome the wall creating a barrier between herself and a forgotten place of living and being. In Renaissance art, the peacock was a symbol of immortality, and in this painting, it is a guide to a forgotten garden. I discovered this painting done by a dear friend of my cousin Cara about 2/3 into my depression journey, and it became a symbol for the beauty I would find again.