BIG

Every now and then, it all just starts to feel like too much ... again.

I repeat this cycle often. I love my life. I want this life. 

But it’s ... BIG. 

It’s a BIG life. 

BIG dreams.

A BIG farm. 

A BIG family. 

Mostly I feel this way when John is gone ... so much. He’s working .... so much. I just want time with him. I want him home. I want him around more. 

The number of shifts he’s doing feels ... BIG.

He doesn’t want to be doing this much work. But the choice has been taken from him. It’s hard to understand because technically he’s a contract worker, and he is only supposed to have to do the number of shifts he’s contracted for. But they are a team. And he’s a team player. There are only five full-time docs for the ER. If someone is out, someone else has to cover. And cover. And cover. 

But then when he’s working, it’s not easy work. It’s too much busy. Too much. He comes home with his eyes so heavy and so tired. 

And I’m tired too. 

But how do you complain about being mommied-out when he’s saving lives in an Emergency Room.

Of course we are both facing a different type of hard, but ... 

But it’s hard.

SO many blessings.

SO many BIG blessings.

He has work. Good work.

But we miss him.

And if he does have time, I give that time to the kids to spend with him because I feel they need it even more than I do. He and I will be fine. We’ve been a team for a really long time. 

But I miss him.