What NOT to say (and what TO say)

When someone is in a hard place ... when they are dealing with grief of various kinds ... when they just got a terrible diagnosis, or disappointing results, or a phone call that tells them life will never be the same ... we want to say something. But what DO you say?

Often times we want to be STRONG. Strong is good but instead of saying:

• "God doesn't give you any more than you can handle." try "It sounds like this is really hard."
• "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." try "How are you dealing with all this?'
• "You need to be strong for your mother [the kids] etc." try "I'm here, if you want to talk."
• "Be strong, and you'll get through it." try "I can only imagine how you've coped."

Other times we want to be FAITHFUL. Faithful is good but instead of saying:

• "Keep the faith." try "I'm thinking of you every day."
• "This was part of God's plan." try "What has helped you get through the past few days?"
• "This was God's will." try "I hope things get easier for you soon."
• "God works in mysterious ways." try "I can offer my help if you like."
• "God tests our faith." try "It sounds hard getting through these days."
• "You need to pray more." try "I'll be praying for you."

You may want to make sure you are POSITIVE. That's good, but try it this way:

• "Something good will come out of this." try "It sounds like it's impossible to see what's ahead."
• "It happened for the best." try "I'm so sorry this happened."
• "You are lucky that your [father] died peacefully." try "I was sad to hear the news about your father."
• "Be grateful it wasn't worse." try "You've had to deal with a lot all at once."
• "You shouldn't be so angry." try "It isn't fair, is it?"
• "You're going to be just fine." try "I believe in you."
• "Keep a positive attitude -- it's better for your health." try "It's amazing to see you smile with all you are coping with."

Do you want to ASK WHY in the face of a seemingly preventable disaster? Instead of asking:

• "Why didn't you ..." try "Sounds like you were going through a terrible time." or "It can be so hard to quit old habits."
• "Why do you think your [sister didn't call you in time?" try "I'm sorry to hear no one called you in time."
• "Why do you think God is putting you through this?" try "What you just told me sounds outrageous."

Maybe you think that SOME HAVE IT HARDER! Of course they do but that doesn't mean this doesn't stink for them. instead of saying:

• "Just think of what the Hurricane Katrina survivors have been through." try "You already had enough on your plate."
• "You should feel lucky ... what you are you going through is nothing like ..." try "I'm so sorry you had to go through this."
• "Your problem is not as bad as what my son is going through with ..." try "I am so sorry this happened to you."

When you think their time is up and they should GET OVER THIS, edit your speech and instead of saying:

• "It's time to put this behind you." try "This might take time."
• "You need to keep busy, and get back to work." try "I believe you will know the right time to return to your regular activities."
• "You have your whole life ahead of you." try "Allow some time for this."
• "Just think how you'll be doing by this time next year." try "Take all the time you need for yourself."

Even if you think you do know how they feel, skip UNDERSTANDING and truly understand by not saying:

• "I understand how you feel." try "I can only imagine how hard this must be."
• "I know what that's like." try "Do you mind telling me what it's like."
• "I went through a tough time like that too." try "Tell me more. I'm listening."

***Adapted from December 2010 GOOD HOUSEKEEPING "Good Advice"