Next appointment: June 14

When we got news that our first attempt at IVF failed, I was dissapointed to hear that we may not be able to meet with the doctor again until late July or possibly August. August was especially disheartening because JB would be gone, and I would have to go to the appointment myself and then fax him a release form (to release our embryos) that he could sign and return. I have never met with my RE doctor without John there. Not only is it helpful because JB can get a lot of his own questions answered, but he can explain a lot of things to me later that I don't understand. Sometimes the doctor and John start talking a mile a minute back and forth and will then remember that there is a novice among them!

As a quick recap, when I was referred to the RE (reproductive endocrinology) department at Mayo back in August of 2003, there was only one Dr. left. The RE department had had some "issues" (no need to get into them, and I don't know them all anyway) and as a result, the doctors were leaving one by one. By August of 2004, the one doctor that was left that had managed our seven attempts at clomid and IUIs was also gone, and they had to shut down the entire office for a year. They could manage questions and my medications to handle the annovulation, but that was it.

Fast forward to earlier this year when Dr. C was hired. (I love him and apparentlly I told him as much when the valium took over!) But, he was still just one doctor. Not only does this limit the number of patients that can be seen, but the number of residents and fellows that can work are limited therefore as well. This was the reason I had to wait soooo long for our fresh embryo retrieval and transfer. With only one doctor and the chance that these procedures could fall any day of the week, and the numbers had to be limited.

However, there are now two doctors and a third promised in the future. This has created double the number of appointments and women who can be seen each month which means that I got a call last week saying that there is a June 14th opening for us to go in and lay out our game plan! I am very happy about this. We will be able to get a lot of our questions answered and also figure out when in early September we can do our first FET (frozen embryo transfer.)

JB and I sat down at dinner the other night and discussed our thoughts -- thoughts we need to assimilate prior to meeting with Dr. C on June 14. As much as we would like to use all three of our remaining embryos at once, mainly for the increased odds of it working and also to eliminate an extra transfer, we do not feel peace about doing that. The odds say that we would not have triplets. However, the chance of having triplets is real enough to lead us to say that to use three would be an impulsive and unwise decision. Having triplets is not the concern. Having three healthy triplets is the concern. As JB mentioned in another post, the risk of infant mortality and illness is very real. To rush and have one or more children born with a disability -- a disability that would not have been present had we gone slower, is a real concern.

All these stories on the news about women having four, five, six, or seven babies has caused people to not understand the risks. First of all, when doing IVF, doctors that put this many embryos into a woman are careless and often more concerned about their pregnancy rates than the safety of the woman and her children.

Secondly, many of these women get pregnant with this many babies because they break the rules during IUI's. For instance, the doctor cancells a cycle due to having too many eggs and couples choose to try on their own. JB and I did this one time (Ssssh don't tell). We had five eggs and were told that they would not do the artificial insemination, however, we had the shot to release the eggs and try on our own. After careful discussion with the doctor and our good friends the Jones', we decided that this was a reasonable risk. In fact, while the doctor could not tell us to do this, he was basically doing just that as he and JB talked on the phone, drawing charts and graphs of the size of the follicles and our odds ratios. However, I did not get pregnant (obviously) during this attempt. Another time, they cancelled my cycle because I had 18 eggs. (I told JB I had 50 million, and he gently reminded me this was an exaggeration.) This time, we did not take the shot at home as we felt the risk was too high. However, women who do this anyway, can end up with these high numbers.

Another fact about high numbers is that if you get pregnant with more than three, you are often encouraged to do "selective reduction" or "abortion". Many women do this. However, many women do not. For all the women who make it to delivering seven babies, there are hundreds of women who did selective reduction from seven down to two or who miscarried all seven. In addition, if you look closely at these high order multiple children, you realize that many of them are far from healthy -- they are dealing with severe disibilities that they will have for life.

So, I just wanted to clear this up. Many people do not know this. JB and I know it because we are reminded every cycle of how dangerous it is too have more than two babies. We do not want to have to even consider selective reduction or to have to choose between my health and the lives of children we have wanted so badly.

I digressed a bit there and hope I didn't bore too many of you. Although, I suppose no one is making you read this. (Unless you are JB; I require him to read every entry by twisting his arm behind his back very hard.) However, I am very excited to go in on June 14th. We will get a plan, I will take another two and a half months off, and then we will try again.

How am I doing ... that is the question of the day. I am, quite honestly, dealing with grief. While our sticky babies were tiny embryos, they were alive, and we were able to see them dropped into my womb. To know they are no longer there is very difficult to wrap my mind around. To imagine doing this procedure again, taking the drugs, doing the shots, waiting two weeks, and taking that phone call again, is quite overwhelming. However, the possibility of a positive result greatly outweighs the fear of trying again.

I am still not really able to talk about this verbally unless the conversation is very much on the surface. I appreciate those of you who have sent cards or emails. It is currently the only way I feel comfortable communicating and this really hasn't changed. Writing is easy for me. I can digest my thoughts, choose my words, and take my time. Writing is such a healing activity for me and has been since I was a child. At church on Sunday someone asked me how it turned out, I had to confess that it didn't work, and I was left crying all the way through worship. If I could have written to them, I would have been fine!

As I said to JB today, if we found out today that one of our loved ones had passed away, we would be dealing with grief. I feel that this is what I am dealing with right now. It is a sadness for something we lost and a jealousy for people who have not had to travel this road. While I don't want any woman to feel the way I do, when I hear of one who gets pregnant right away or on her first attempt, there is a part of me that is so jealous for that ease. Some days I don't cry at all. Some days I cry a lot. And at the same time, I have a faith that carries me through and will never leave me.

I also have begun to have a peace that as dissapointed as I would be if I was never a mom (biolgoically or even through adoption), Jb and I are enough. I can honestly say that in the last 3 years our marriage went from very good prior to this diagnosis, to not very good during the early treatments, to absolutely fantastic now. The Lord has brought us to complete unison in this walk and that is an amazing feeling. JB and I will celebrate our eighth (gulp) wedding anniversary on June 20th, and I feel more in love with him right now than I ever have.

I wanted to share a song with you that Wes King wrote about infertility. It most perfectly captures what I am dealing with and can maybe help you understand how we are currently feeling.

Thought You'd Be Here

We thought you'd be here by now

your Mother and I

We're praying through our tears that somehow

We might hear your sweet cry

Have we waited too long

It's getting harder to be strong

Is there something we've done wrong

But if you like dancing

I'll make it rain rhythm and rhyme

and melodies, child

And if you like dreaming

Your Mother will make your imagination run wild

Somehow, we thought you'd be here by now

We have a room just for you, upstairs

It's right down the hall

So we'll be close should you ever get scared

We'll come when you call

It's a room full of stories

Waiting to be told

Longing to behold

And if you like laughing

I'll paint you a circus of smiles

and ferris wheels, dear

And if you like living

Your Mother will fly you to

worlds both far and near

Somehow....

I never knew the silence

could make me so deaf

I never knew that I could miss

someone I never met

Miss someone I haven't met yet
We'll be waiting

Words and music by Wes king