Episode #11: Implicit Memory: The thing that's running your life

"The brain is an anticipation machine that shapes ongoing perception by what is automatically expected based on prior experience."-- Daniel Siegel

Click here to listen to this podcast on the The Place We Find Ourselves Podcast. 

Your prior experiences prime the brain to anticipate something familiar ... 

Memory is the way in which a past experience affects how the mind will function in the future.

Memory is NOT a thing. Memories are the heartbeats of the nervous system. 

Explicit memories are memories of events. Explicit memory development begins around 18 months of age. But implicit memory is operational before you come out of the womb. 

1. Everything you learn in the first 18 months of life is recorded in implicit memories NOT explicit memories.

You have to be paying attention to record something in explicit memory. For example, a test. You must pay attention to study it and record it in your memory. Implicit memories are recorded whether you are paying attention or not.

In the book A General Theory of Love, a man named Mr. Underwood lost all of his explicit memory. He was then taught how to braid -- how to take three strands and braid them together. After he had mastered braiding, the people who were doing the experiment asked him "Do you know how to braid?" He of course, had to reply, "No," because he can't record explicit memories. He can't remember the event of learning to braid. However, when three strips of cloth were put into his hands, he braided them immediately.

2. When you recall an implicit memory, you do not have the sensation that you are remembering something. 

When you recall an implicit memory, there is no sensation of recall. You don't recall that you are retrieving a memory from the past, therefore it feels like the present. It feels like the memory is happening in the present.

Your implicit memory tells you how the world works and what you can expect from the world. 

Implicit memory is about the feel of things.

Your brain summarizes all the experiences of relating with your mother and father, and instead of thinking "This is what a relationship with my father is like," you instead think, "This is what all relationships are like." 

And so when we set out into the world, we carry with us a storehouse of implicit memories. 

And yes, this is an oversimplification. You are having experiences, of course, with people outside of your parents. And all of those experiences affect you. However, the relationship with your parents wields a disproportionate influence on your implicit memory. We continue to record implicit memories throughout our life. But experiences as adults have a much weaker influence on the brain. Childhood influences create the foundation of our brain. And later experiences merely make adjustments to that foundation. 

"What's crucial to understand about implicit memories is that implicit memories cause us to form expectations about the way the world works based on our previous experiences. Implicit memory creates something called priming in which the brain readies itself to respond in a certain way. The brain is an anticipation machine that shapes ongoing perception by what it automatically expects based on prior experience." --Siegel 

You never forget how to ride a bike for example. 

Do you ever experience intense emotion that seems larger than what the situation calls for? These reactions are directly proportional to how your brain takes the other person's words and interprets them through the grid of your implicit memory. Something through the other person's facial expression or choice of words, has brought to mind past memories. And you are remembering these experiences, but because these experiences are stored in implicit memory, you are not aware that you are remembering anything at all. 

When people say you are making a mountain out of a mole hill, that's wrong. In your brain, it IS a mountain. There is no way to experience it differently because that is how it is stored.The sensations in your body ALWAYS tell the truth. They never lie. 

The sure-fire way to begin to understand in your implicit memory is to pay attention to when you feel shifts in your body, shifts in your level of arousal. When all of a sudden your body suddenly experiences a shift in your affect ... that is telling you that implicit memory has just been activated. 

Situations that evoke strong emotional responses from us, make implicit memory known.  

Curiosity says, "Wow. I wonder what that is touching in me!?" Ask questions instead of making accusations.

Implicit memory is the reason you have had such a hard time telling yourself truths that don't seem to make their way into your "heart."

You can't get those cognitive truths from your head to your heart.You can't tell yourself, "It's okay, that Cocker Spaniel is okay," and have it change your bodily response to the fear. The reason is, it is very hard to use words or cognitive thinking or words to change what is inscribed in implicit memory.

So how do you change it then? 

I used EMDR. But Experiences is the way without therapy!

Please take a minute to watch THIS video. This will summarize what is happening with our brains with implicit memory.

 

You change these memories by healthy relationship experiences.

Episode #149: The Place We Find Ourselves (Part 2)

I have been listening to this Podcast for many months. There is so much there and it is SO deep, but I want to start breaking down parts of it when I have the bandwidth. 

The Place We Find Ourselves

Here are some initial notes from this episode (which is part 1 of 2).

When we become disregulated, we became either HYPER (amp up) or HYPO (shift down) aroused. 

The shift into various levels of disregulation throughout our day, allows your body to reveal your story to you. 

You can learn some important things about your story by noticing WHEN you become disregulated. Some thoughts: 

1. What are the kinds of things that disregulate you?

2. Are you HYPER (8, 9 or 10) or HYPO (1, 2, or 3) when this disregulation occurs? Or do you amp up to try and get a response and if it doesn’t work, you slam way down to a hopeless state. Pay close attention to the tendencies of your particular nervous system. 

3. Bring curiosity to your disregulated body to say “what may have caused me to get disregulate?”

Why does situation X trigger me?? Because you are remembering something. Your brain is calling something to mind from your past. But it is activating implicit memory. So you don’t have the sensation of recall. That is what a trigger is. Here are some thoughts that: 

1. Significant shifts in your affect (a person’s outward expression of emotion) tell you precious information about what is happening in the present or what has happened in the past or possibly both. 

2. What movements does your body want to make? These are impulses to movement. If you have a history of trauma, you often won’t listen to your body’s impulses. Let them teach you about the story in your past. 

Self-contempt can become a compass for your body.

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-place-we-find-ourselves/id1373926216?i=1000642429038

Episode #147: The place we find ourselves (Part 1)

1. Your body IS speaking to you. It is letting you know some things. 

2. The things that your body is telling you are incredibly important when it comes to healing/growing. They are more important than you realize. 

 

I used to think phrases like this was mumbo-jumbo wacky "back-to-the-earth" people. But it is NOT. This is what I have been missing my whole life. 

My body was experiencing lots of physical sensations, and I never understood that my body was trying to say to me.

If you see a snake and you are afraid of snakes -- you know this is FEAR. You understand that FEAR. Fear is a particular combination of bodily sensations. But every emotion is first a particular combination of body sensations. SADNESS hits you that way too. This can be tightening in the jaw, a lump in your throat, upset stomach etc. How people experience this varies from person to person as well.

I actually think my migraines may have been my body trying to talk to me as well. I am not sure yet, but I am paying attention.

 

Your body is a TRUTH-TELLER! This is a gift. Your body does not lie. And the book The Body Keeps the Score is a great one to read! (Feelings can lie, of course. But your physical sensations are telling you something about what you've experienced, even if that thing you experienced is negative or incorrect.)

Do you pay attention to the memos your body is sending you? Ummmm, I never did. Ever. I never knew this. No one ever told me this.

And, it is important to understand that your body will not always have it right. It might have a panic attack when it sees birds for example. But, it is telling you a story about your past story and your TRAUMA. There is something in your past that is causing you to have tension surrounding birds. 

 

Pay attention to what your body is telling you.

Honestly, some of what this Christian counselor on this podcast is saying will feel "silly." And maybe the way he is breaking down feels silly. But what is he is saying is correct. If you are feeling tension, your body is trying to speak to you. And if you aren't paying attention, it will continue to try and tell you until you listen.

I didn't listen. I refused. So my body said, "I am going to shut down completely. Because if I don't, you will eventually die from lack of paying attention to me."

NOTICE THAT.

Say that to yourself when you feel something.

NOTICE

THAT.

He uses these two words in the therapeutic process more than anything else. These two words are an invitation to listen to the story your body is trying to tell you. Your physical body. Not your brain. Not your counselor's brain. Your physical body is the one telling you the most honest story.

If that constricted feeling in your throat could talk, what might it say ....

1. What are you feeling in your body right now?

2. Notice that. Feel into it.

3. If that sensation in your _____ could talk, what would it say?

Your body knows things that your in-your-skull brain does not. 

What if you begin to listen more frequently to your knower? This would include the brain cells in your heart and gut. 

What is making you reluctant to listen to your knower?

 

Your body from the neck down knows things about your story that the brain in your head does not know.

 

Many modern western churches, have a DEEP suspicion to the human body. The body is the secondary to the soul. If you grew up in the church, you have likely received the message that your gut, heart, body is untrustworthy. It's the idea that you should not let your feelings guide you. If you want your life to go well, you need to put your faith in God and the facts of scripture rather than letting your feelings guide you. Don't let your feelings be the engine of your life. We were taught that your feelings are only valuable if they line up with the Bible. So we are taught that our feelings are dangerous. It is dangerous to rely on the wisdom of one's body. This is NOT to say that our feelings trump the Bible AT ALL. This is just to say that we need to pay attention to our body. If we have a headache, our body may be saying "You need rest." It isn't always that we need healing. (Although healing can come through rest.)

 

Various verses are used to teach you not to trust your intuition/gut

 

1. Proverbs 3:5 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your understanding." This came to mean that a real Christian doesn't trust themselves and should ignore what their intuition is if it conflicts with what the good experts say it conflicts with the Bible. (Pay attention to the fact that I am not talking bout what the Bible says but what other people SAY it says.) This teaching has profoundly shaped evangelicalism. You may understandably may have a deep suspicion of this entire podcast episode in your "knower." You may believe that external authority is more valuable than internal. But we were created in the image of God. We are able to discern what is true and not true. External authority refers to trusting the wisdom of others. 

2. Jeremiah 17:9 "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure." This ingrained in people that anything they wanted was actually bad and it taught them not to trust themselves. This can cause people to distrust their own thoughts/guts/feelings. But the primary point of the book of Jeremiah is to share that your heart is actually trustworthy. This is not saying that your feelings are truthful. They can be wrong. But in the New Testament, Jesus will live within you. Your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit.

 

3. It builds to Jeremiah 31 which says "'The time is coming,'" says the Lord 'Where I will make a new covenant with the house of Judah. I will put my law in their minds and write it on their hearts." That same heart that is supposed to be deceitful above all things! As a Christian, your heart is not deceitfully wicked -- albeit it may be wicked at times. However, it can also be a good place where Jesus dwells.

 

4. Jeremiah 12 is him talking to God, "'Why does the way of the wicked prosper. You are always on their lips but you are far from their hearts. But you know me O Lord. You see me and test my thoughts about you." Jeremiah's entire argument is that his heart is deceitful above all things. His heart is good. The hearts of the WICKED are deceitful.

5. Psalm 7 "Grant me justice Lord as befits my righteousness and as be fits my innocence."

6. Psalm 18 "The Lord has dealt with me according to my righteousness. According to the cleanness of my hands, he has rewarded me."

7. Psalm 26 "Vindicate me O Lord, for I have lead a blameless of life. I have trusted in the Lord without wavering."

8. Job The starting point of the book of Job and the foundation upon the entire narrative of Job is that God thinks Job's heart is righteous and good. "Have you paid heed to my servant Job? There is no one like him on Earth -- a blameless and upright man who fears God and shuns evil." God doesn't think Job's heart is deceitful above all things. 

These verses are not confessions of sin-less-ness or perfection. The heart can be good and trustworthy even though we are all sinners. None of the Biblical writers believed their heart was beyond cure. When a Bible verse is used to convince you not to trust yourself, you are in the realm of spiritual abuse. (Obviously there are levels to this and it cannot be said quite this clearly, but pay attention to this.)

Paul tells us that our body has become the dwelling place of God! 

9. I Cor 6 "Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit who is in you, who you have received from God." In ancient Israel, the temple was the ONE place where heaven and Earth intersected. Our bodies have become the dwelling place of God! Paul claims that the human body has become a temple. The glory of God which previously only took up residence in the Jerusalem temple, now resides in the human body because of Jesus and the Holy Spirit.

Part 1

Episode #48: You Need More Than God

These posts were written beginning in December of 2024. However, I am posting them years back so that they are not at the top of my Blog, and if you want to read them, you need to go "find them!" :)
 

This article will break down Episode #48 on The Place You Find Yourself podcast. This episode is entitled: Episode #48: You Need More Than God.

This episode really jumped out at me because, truly, it's part of my journey. My whole life I really believed that if I did things according to a formula, I would have success. And I honestly believed all I needed was God.

Don't get me wrong. This is not about not believing in God. This is not about thinking He isn't enough. But it is about realizing that God designed us to need people.

Please take a moment to jump over and read the following essay by Sam Jolman: "You Need More than God".

"It's a common struggle I think most of us feel at some point in relationship with God. That God just isn't enough. Somehow we have this sense that God should be enough for us. That if we loved him enough or prayed enough or spent enough time with him, somehow he'll be enough for our hearts needs. This is God we're taking about after all."

The thing is: God gave Adam a helper! God decided that He (GOD) was not enough!

That message hit me HARD.

All my life, I've been thinking "God is all I need." But it isn't true! God designed us for community.

In the midst of the worst of my breakdown, I started picturing myself just laying there with my head on Jesus' lap. I would just lay on my bed or in the grass in the front yard (when I could get there) and picture him doing this:

"I can't tell you how often I hear clients tell me they want God to hug them or hold them or talk to them. I have the same heartache. I've wept out of these same sentiments. In some of my greatest pain, what has popped out of my heart has been. 'I just want you to hold me.'"

This essay really spoke to me. It's okay to need more than God. That is OKAY! God gave us people. He designed us to need people? Do you have people? You don't need a lot of people. But you NEED people!

"Just to be clear, we need God too. We need God more than we need anything else. But we don't need only God. We need a whole lot of other things. Of course it all comes from God. It all points to God. But it's not all God. And that's by design."

Episode #100: No Cure For Being Human

These posts were written beginning in December of 2024. However, I am posting them years back so that they are not at the top of my Blog, and if you want to read them, you need to go "find them!" :)

When I choose an episode of Adam Young's podcast to listen to, it often takes me two solid listens to get the gist of what they are talking about and really digest it all. In the episode entitled:  "No Cure for Being Human", Kate Bowler discusses her most recent NYTimes Best Seller: Everything Happens for a Reason and Other Lies I've Loved. And her most recent book is entitled:

No Cure for Being Human.

I wasn't sure what to make about the titles of either of these books, but here is what I have learned over the last year: 

LIFE SOMETIMES SUCKS!

THERE IS NO MAGIC FORMULA FOR IT TO NOT SUCK!

YOU NEED PEOPLE TO STAND ALONGSIDE YOU IN THE SUCK!

THERE CAN BE BEAUTY AMIDST THE SUCK!

And this is exactly what Kate is getting at in her book. Diagnosed with colon cancer in her 30's, Kate realized as she left the hospital, not sure how long she had to live, that what she wanted was a blueprint for how to live. Kate had already written a book on the history of the prosperity gospel. She had written a book on this which had dominated much of her 20's entitled: Blessed: A History of the American Prosperity Gospel.

The irony of Kate now released from the hospital desiring a blueprint for life is that the one thing the prosperity gospel does offer is a supposed blueprint. We crave this as humans. We want to know how we can live well. The prosperity gospel doesn't exist outside of Western America, and it tells you that if you do things the way they are supposed to be done, you will get the result that you want. 

IT IS BULL CRAP. IT ISN'T TRUE. 

Please don't read what I am writing and think that my faith has been altered whatsoever. I, honestly, have a better relationship with Jesus Christ than I have ever had in my whole life. But in the midst of that I have come to realize that THIS LIFE INCLUDES SUFFERING. Period. Full stop. That's it. It sucks sometimes. For no reason whatsoever. 

When I dealt with infertility I searched for a reason. There had to be a reason. Because if there wasn't a reason, then I had done something wrong to cause this evil beast to latch itself to my body. I had to find PURPOSE IN THE PAIN. 

But the truth is, there may not be purpose. You may just be John the Baptist and your head is suddenly on a platter. This may be the truth of it all. 

And, that is OKAY! Because this Earth is not our home. Heaven is our home!

A blueprint, Kate explained in the podcast, prevents you from having to take your disappointments to God. Kate had been sold a vision of faith that looked and sounded a lot like certainty. People are full of cultural formulas for success in our faith. 

"God has a plan."

"Just trust God ..."

We are told that faith or positivity are this glue that will make everything bearable. But what do you replace it with when you realize it doesn't work? 

"Tumors budded and spread across my colon and liver without my consent and here I am. I feel a spark of horror, and each time I remember it, I come undone." NO CURE FOR BEING HUMAN

This is what happens to ALL of us. Someone dies. You lose your job. You are infertile. And suddenly the story we have told ourselves falls apart. But it is always something. Something happens and we come undone. Something will unravel us. 

What if suddenly you can't say there will be enough for you? What if your dreams can't come true? What if you can no longer cherish your ambitions?

Whatever it is that causes you to come undone, you cannot prevent that day from coming. And even if it doesn't happen to you, it will happen to someone you love. And everything you thought you believed comes collapsing in a heap on the floor. 

A pastor must go and talk to grieving parents of a child who has just died. And he finds himself saying to God: "Don't make me go out there and lie for you again." No math that we are aware of will make severe tragedy add up. The life of someone who has suffered greatly means that "their life is an invitation to you to engage reality in a deeper way."

Kate's cancer forced her to deal with some things inside of her heart that she needed to hold up to the light. What is the story here? Where is the wisdom? Put down the weights.

"Everybody pretends that you only die once, but that is not true. You can die to a thousand possible futures in the course of a stupid life."NO CURE FOR BEING HUMAN

Adam's podcast is about how trauma upends our stories. Trauma causes death. Multiple deaths. In the midst of that trauma we NEED people. Both Adam and Kate detail how important community is as we traverse the hard stuff. Physical touch is integral. When we are touched, we can suddenly feel human again.

When I was in the worst of my infertility treatments and preparing for IVF Transfer #4, I remember my doctor, Dr. Coddington, rubbing my arm. It made me feel like a human! It made me feel he cared! It was truly one of the tenderest gestures I have ever recalled feeling.

Bucket lists. Fantasy retirement stories. We only get ONE chance at life and it very well may be determined by things they weren't aren't choosing. How unfair is THAT?

This goes against the prosperity gospel. And it goes against the American/Western society version of life which tells us that You can do anything! I mean our culture says we just need to work hard. Hustle. Even telling women they are in charge of family planning and fertility. We are told that life is what we make of it. 

And then it isn't. 

We are one second away from the house of cards just simply crumbling down. 

Oh to be durable and not feel like life might end or be destroyed at anytime. 

But the reality is ... it might!

We end up feeling like failure when the story we are told, doesn't hold. We honestly feel like we should be able to conquer everything. Our inner world. Our outer world. EVERYTHING!

Why do you think so many people in America believe we need to conquer our own inner world? For people with trauma, this will be impossible. You will never arrive. 

Why do some people make it and some people don't? We want a reason for this! The truth is, we, religiously believe that our mind is a thought machine. That's how we figure out who winners are. Winners can exhibit all the emotional pieces. Our minds are solvable and they work backwards into our bodies. 

Choose Joy.

Get your attitude right.

Put your mind to it. 

When you get cancer, you learn the life lessons, and you become a more spiritual personal, and you have a can-do attitude, and then everyone can refer to you as the person who has done it. 

(That was facetious if you couldn't gather it.)

But Kate's books are saying this didn't happen that way for her. And instead of there being something wrong with her, there is something wrong with the cultural "norm" which is this is how is it supposed to be.

Why are there martyrs? 

Why did nearly everyone who followed Christ died for the cause?

They suffered!

And yet somehow OUR Christian church (and our Western society outside of the church as well) believes there should be NO SUFFERING and if there are sufferings, something is wrong with YOU!

What formula are you failing to follow?!

The world is not fair. Getting cancer isn't fair. And it isn't HER FAULT for getting cancer. She did nothing wrong. Nothing spiritually will change the fact that she has cancer. 

"We find it especially difficult to talk about anything chronic, meaning any kind of pain, emotional or physical that abides and lives with us constantly. The sustaining myth of the American Dream rests on a hardy "can do" spirit surmounting all obstacles, but not all problems can be overcome. So often we are defined by the troubles we live with rather than the things we conquer." NO CURE FOR BEING HUMAN

A crisis invites a lot of people in. There are a lot of people who have the ability to show up at that moment. It is because people love you that they are not able to understand the pain of what you are facing. It makes it very hard for people to live in that reality for a long period of time. They want your pain to end because it is painful for them to watch you in that pain. 

I can remember a few choice people who sat with me in person or on the phone in the depths of my 2024 refinement. They listened to me sob as the depression and anxiety threatened to destroy me. 

What a gift.

Kate said that she lost most people that were close to her as she transitioned from CRISIS to CHRONIC. No one wants to remain near someone who is dealing with the possibility of death all the time. It is hard to sit with people in their pain. 

But you can. You just need to not try to fix it. JUST BE PRESENT WITH THE PEOPLE IN THE SUCK!

There is also another attitude people have that says, "You are not supposed to be that needy." You have blown up your own life and you have blown up the lives of the people around you. How dare you?

"When I finished sifting through all the clinical trial data, I had nothing to do but survive the feeling that some pain is for no reason at all. It became clearer than ever that life is not a series of choices. So often the experiences that define us are the ones that we didn't pick: cancer, betrayal, miscarriage, job loss, mental illness. So often the experiences that affect our stories so deeply are ones we did not pick. Life is not merely a series of choices." NO CURE FOR BEING HUMAN

When we go into labor, something is coming at the end. 

But some of our pain might not really amount to anything. Pain may just be a waste. 

Powerlessness. 

Really? 

Could it all be just because we live in a sinful world!?

YES!

In the midst of this hardness, never forget

WE

NEED

OTHERS!

"For people with trauma, if only we can find someone who will walk faithfully and kindly with us in the healing process, healing is possible. What is so painful for many people is that they can't find someone who will be with them in the thick of their pain." Adam Young

Are you being held by smart, kind, choice-empowering people?  Are you yelling into the void knowing that someone is hearing you? 

Hope is so tricky. If it is not certainty, than what is it? 

Someday there won't be cancer and fear for our kids or parents who lose their memory or people who leave us. This is the wonderful and strange way that Christians get to live in time. We aren't living in a time where there is an invisible formula that we must have failed if we are suffering. We are living with heaven coming someday.

12 in 12 Begins

These posts were written beginning in December of 2024. However, I am posting them years back so that they are not at the top of my Blog, and if you want to read them, you need to go "find them!" :)

 

 

On Saturday, January 4, I began an amazing conference series. Throughout all of 2025, on the first Saturday of every month, I will meet with eight other women here in Greeneville for an online conference. 

It is honestly hard to put into words what these sessions will be about and what all this actually means. If you have not deal with "healing work" in your life after suffering "trauma," it may not make sense to you. (Honestly, those words I put in quotes are quite cringy to me. It really isn't nearly as cringy as that makes it sound). "Trigger" is another word that feels cringy. I think this is because society has warped what these really mean.

Here's how I would summarize what this conference is about. Through my counselor and through the PODCAST: The Place We Find Ourselves, I have gotten involved in something called "Story Work." 

What ... is .... story work?

Well in short, it surrounds this overarching theme:

We believe true healing and restoration occurs when we courageously step into our stories of pain and harm.

The idea is that you don't have to just live/accept/deal with with your past. And, in truth, saying to yourself "What's the point? It's in the past?" may work for some people, but for the majority, it does not. 

Adam Young's work dovetails off of the work of Dr. Dan Allender. You can visit his website here. 

Dr. Dan Allender is a pioneer of a unique and innovative approach to trauma and abuse therapy. For over 30 years, the Allender Theory has brought healing and transformation to hundreds of thousands of lives by bridging the story of the gospel and the stories of trauma and abuse that mark so many.

In other words: 

The Allender Center trains people to listen and work through narratives of harm–both their own stories and the stories of others–to foster truth, goodness, and beauty in all of their relationships.

If you are dealing with depression, anxiety, or obsessive thoughts, worry, relationship-breakdown, anger, etc., I want to tell you what I wish someone had told me the first time I saw depression when I was 17:

THERE

IS

A

REASON!!!!

If you ignore what is happening to you: decreasing patience as you age, vices that you can't get away from, frustrations that seem to be getting worse, etc., you will NOT GET BETTER.

I truly hate to say it that bluntly, but it's true. These behaviors are seeping out of you. Do you want to live this way your whole life? 

The point of engaging your past is so that you can live in the present!

Here are the common objections to engage your story:

1.LOOKING AT YOUR STORY IS SELFISH: The truth is that research has shown that people that engage their story, have increased levels of compassion and empathy. People with a high capacity for and practice of self-reflection (how they are in the world and how they have come to be in the world), have an increased ability to empathize with others. In other words, practicing reflecting on your story will give you increased compassion. 

2. I DON'T WANT TO BLAME MY PARENTS: (or whoever harmed you): There is a difference between BLAMING someone (posture of contempt) and NAMING (saying what happened.) Most people, as they go into therapy, work very hard to DEFEND their parents. Blame is about a posture of contempt toward another person. It's a posture of accusation. You know what it is like when someone is blaming you for something. Compare that to someone who is naming something (that may be hard to hear) but it is TRUE about you. If you want to LOVE YOUR PARENTS well, you must NAME what has been and is true of the nature of how you relate to your parents and how your parents relate to you. And that endeavor is in no way synonymous with blaming them. 

3. MY PARENTS DID THE BEST THEY COULD: Adam hears this most from Christian parents. From non-Christians it would make more sense. But, according to the Bible, NO ONE does the best they can. Everyone is a sinner. In other words, your parents have harmed you. That harm has been intentional. And it doesn't make them an awful person. It just makes them a sinner. We don't want to look at how deeply they hurt us. But if it is the truth that sets us free, then we gain nothing by closing our eyes to what has been true of our relationship to them. Have you put language to the primary ways that people who harmed you, harmed you? YOU NEED TO DO THIS IN ORDER TO HEAL!!!

WENDI WILL/HAS HARMED HER OWN CHILDREN, AND I WILL BE HERE WHEN THEY WORK THROUGH THE WOUNDS THAT HAVE COME ABOUT FROM THE ERRORS I COMMITTED.

The people we will sin against the most are our spouse and our children. We will harm them and we will intentionally do so. Naming, HOW you have been harmed is about 70% of the battle. When and where are you excusing your parents? We will ALL DO THIS!

4. WHAT IS THE POINT OF DWELLING ON THE PAST? "The past isn't dead. It isn't even past." William Faulkner. If you think your past is in the past, you don't understand how the brain is built and how the brain functions. Whenever you have an experience in the present, the very first thing your brain does, is it filters that experience through all of your past experiences. No one experiences reality as it truly is in the present. That notion is a fiction based on a misunderstanding of how the brain really works. YOU SEE MORE OF WHAT YOU'VE ALREADY SEEN!

GOD HEALS INCURABLE WOUNDS!

From Adam's Podcast website, I read the following:

It turns out that the practice of reflecting on the story of your life actually promotes healing in your brain. There are two reasons for this:

• Brain health is a function of the degree to which all parts of your brain are connected with one another.
•  The process of reflecting on your story, sharing your story with another, and hearing another’s reaction to your story connects neural networks that were previously separated.

In other words, the key to healing is connecting. Engaging the core stories of your life heals your brain by connecting regions that were previously not well connected.

When you experience harm, your thoughts about the experience become disconnected from the overwhelming emotions you had. Literally. The neurons holding your thoughts (stored in your left brain) become disconnected from the neurons holding your feelings (stored in the right brain).

Telling the story of the experience requires that your brain link your
thoughts about the story (left brain) with your feelings about the story (right brain). 

If you are able to tell your story while remaining connected to your emotions, then the neural networks in the left part of your brain will link up with the neural networks in the right part of your brain.
This is very healing. 

It leads to what neuroscientists call integration, and what the Bible calls SHALOM.

Telling your story not only leads to left-right integration, but it can lead to “top-down” integration. “Top” refers to the portion of your brain that is behind your forehead—your cortical brain. “Bottom” refers to the portion of your brain that is lower and deeper—your limbic brain. The limbic brain triggers your fight-flight response and your shutting down response.

When you begin to reflect on harmful parts of your story—stories that hold shame, fear, or rage—your limbic brain reacts and you enter a state of fight-flight or a state of shutting down.

Do I Really Have to Tell It To Another Person?

The short answer is Yes! Yes! Yes! If you are able to stay with the story in the presence of another person, two things happen (which are both very good for your brain).

• First, the other person’s limbic brain regulates yours—which is to say, their limbic brain soothes and calms yours.
•  Second, as a result of their attunement and soothing, your cortical brain (top) forms connections and linkages with your limbic brain (bottom).

In other words, the presence of an attuned listener leads to changes in your brain.

Your brain develops neural pathways that connect your cortical brain to your limbic brain. This is very healing because these pathways enable you to self-regulate when you become overwhelmed by fear, shame, or rage.